It’s been awhile since I’ve been able to write. I’ve wanted to write... I knew exactly what I wanted to write about... but I just couldn’t get it out. Not sure what changed tonight that I decided I was able to get it out now, but I’ll take it because these days I’m still all over the place. Why? Because I’m still living with the aftermath of everything I’ve been through.
One of the hardest parts of going through breast cancer is actually the aftermath. The part that no one talks about because when it’s over and done, it’s over and done. You put it behind you and move on. For some, that’s doable and for most it’s what’s been done. For me, and there’s proven research to show, and for a majority of people my age who survived breast cancer, we can’t do that. We can’t brush it under a rug and say “well it’s over now so let’s get on with it” because every single day is a constant reminder of what went on just a few months ago. I’m learning little by little that during a traumatic event, even if the brain doesn’t recall something, the body does. Our bodies remember things more than we know. When our bodies remember, that sends signals to the brain and there’s a trigger. I have lots of triggers. Feelings, tastes, smells, seeing something, being in a place where something took place or something reminds me of my traumatic event. Writing. Writing became a trigger because from the very beginning of all of this I always wrote. Then comes the avoidance of these things that cause triggers. So goodbye writing.
Then your instincts are off, you are off, your whole body is off - from your head to your toes. Nothing is the same way it was before. And then you are told that this is the new you. This is your new life now. This is your new normal. But I don’t want this to be me. I’m 39 years old and I cannot live the rest of my life feeling like this. So off I went to more doctors and I’m so glad I did. I’m learning that it’s ok and it’s normal for me to feel this way and low and behold, it can be...temporary!!
So hello PTSD and hello therapy. Hello lymphadema and hello physical therapy. Both twice a week. Hello doctors that CAN help me. Hello medications that can try to help me feel better, for now until I can undergo more surgical procedures to help me in the long run. There IS a way out of this and this doesn’t have to entirely be my new normal.
From day 1 I’ve been my own advocate. I won’t stop fighting for what I feel is right when it comes to my own health and I won’t stop researching and learning. There’s no price tag on health. And as I sit here holding my almost 2 year old boy and before I snuggled with my more than halfway to 6 year old boy, I am just so grateful I am the way I am... that I fight and I don’t give up when I believe in something, especially when it comes to health.
So it may seem like I’m ok - I’m out doing things and having some fun. And I used to feel guilty about that. Until I came to terms with realizing that for the hell I’ve been through and the craziness that I’m continuing to go through now, I deserve it. I rest when I need to, I get up when I can and I try to live as normally as possible. But I have restrictions and things that I cannot do. My upper body strength is gone, I have limited mobility, and I’m still fighting through fatigue. I sure am done with treatments, I’ve survived the worst. But that’s not the case. Don’t get me wrong- the treatments I went through were indescribable, but you go through the motions and you don’t have time to actually think or process anything. Fight or flight. It’s survival mode. Then it’s all over and you have to pick up the pieces and put yourself back together. And that part takes time. Especially with the limited amount of mobility and the limited amount of energy you do have, that time is devoted to two little ones. There’s not much time left to put ourselves back together.
So I’m here....Still fighting...Still going strong, as I always did and will continue to do. But this part isn’t easy either because now it’s not only the physical pain I’m in all the time, it’s the mental struggle as well. I have found the right doctors to help me with this part though and I have made myself the time to get what I need done. I still have more doctors to see, more procedures to be done, and more important decisions to be made. But I have the help I need and the support I need and I’ll be ok. I haven’t reached that light at the end of the tunnel yet, but I’m pushing through and I’ll get there. It will just take some more time. And I’m ok with that. Whatever it takes for me to be whole body healthy.
Just figured I’d send out an update.
💗💪🏻🙏
