Sunday April 14, 2019
It’s Sunday late afternoon- almost 4pm. I haven’t written in a few weeks but I’m by myself sitting in my backyard. It’s so quiet and peaceful and I started thinking, so I decided to write.
I don’t write for attention, I don’t write to make anyone feel sad, or for sympathy. I write because it’s my outlet and sometimes I choose to share with you all because I don’t mind letting others in. Sometimes it’s my only way to really communicate with the world that’s outside of this little bubble I’m in. If you want to know what I go through sometimes, then by all means read away. And if you don’t want to know, that’s ok too. I also have new perspectives on things and maybe I can help someone else in the process of my sharing.
For one thing, I can’t believe it’s April already. Between all of the appointments I go to each week, chemo treatments and recovery, days just seem to blend together. Which is good I guess because time is going by pretty fast. Before I know it my chemo day comes and goes. It’s even harder to believe my biopsy was exactly 4 months ago today, December 14th. I’ve been plugging away at all of this for 4 months already. And this Wednesday’s treatment marks my half way point with my chemo treatment. Week #6 out of 12.
Living with cancer is definitely different. I’m doing ok. I’m hanging in there, fighting and staying strong and positive in the best way I know how, but these days things are getting really hard. I’m right in the middle of this all and everything I’m feeling, physically, is only going to get worse. My chemo is dose dense. To be honest, my anxiety is at an all time high, my emotions get the best of me on a daily basis, sometimes for reasons I don’t even know why, my body is all out of sorts, and I could go on and on. But I won’t and I never complain. Thank goodness for my team of doctors and the medications that help. With all that said, each day I get up. I’m up every single morning at 7am, sometimes with sleeping from maybe 11pm on and sometimes sleeping for a just short while, all with the help of sleeping meds, but I get up every morning at 7am and I get myself ready and dressed for the day. And then I help get my kids ready for the day. No matter how I’m feeling or what I’m dealing with, I get up every morning with them and see Matthew and Jason, and sometimes Ryan off every single day. Or I then spend the rest of the morning or day, depending on the day of the week, with Ryan. Or I go to a doctor appointment. Or on the weekends now Matthew has tball or karate. And even though I can barely function Saturday mornings, I still get up and I do the most and the best that I can.
Life with cancer is a challenge for sure. I’ve lost weight. 12 pounds to be exact. As that is a very good thing, it’s because most days I just don’t have an appetite. My oncologist is ok with my eating sparingly. Most important thing right now is to stay hydrated. And with 6 weeks more to go like this, and then surgery, I’m sure I’ll lose more. Which is good, but not good like this. Once I’m done with chemo we will fix the eating part. I got rid of sugar too. Cancer loves sugar, and not that I ate sweets all the time, but that was the one thing that definitely had to go. By all means, on occasion I’ll treat myself to a piece of cake or cookie if it’s part of a celebration, or if someone sends me something yummy 😋, but it’s funny my body can’t even tolerate it much anymore. A few bites in and I can’t even eat it. My body just doesn’t feel like my body anymore. Aside with a ton of other ailments that come along with chemo and all of the meds that I’m on, the fatigue is like no other. Some of you asked me what it feels like. Here’s the best way to describe it. You all know that I have 2 kids- one of those kids just turning 1 in only 2 weeks. Most of you out there reading my blogs have kids, young or grown, and know what tired is like from kids and sleepless nights and working after those sleepless nights or caring for those kids after sleepless nights or tiresome stay at home days. I’ve been there. This tired is not like that. It’s total body exhaustion. Like after the gym, for those that work out or have worked out and your muscles are aching and shaking but you want that one more rep. Or the flu hits and you Can. Not. Move. That’s my entire body almost daily. Almost every single muscle. It’s how much can I do with my arms, my legs, my back, before everything starts to give out. Mondays and Tuesdays I’m usually ok until the evenings, but I usually have Ryan with me those days or I’m running to appointments, so by the evenings I’m absolutely done. The sleepy, tired exhaustion happens Fridays and Saturdays. Sunday mornings sometimes, but usually if I get outside I can snap out of it. I get winded pretty easily now too, if I over exert myself. It’s all mentally, emotionally, and physically draining. This is all part of the fight. I’m doing it and I know I’ll be fine in the end, but every day is a struggle with something. And I look to that end in sight, but right now I have to take things day by day. What can I do today to just get through this day. Or these few hours. That’s what I say to myself, every morning.
My normalcy now is different. I don’t go to work. I don’t get out of my house much to socialize or do anything really for myself. When I do get out, I go to doctors. Weekly. And each week it seems like I’m adding a new doctor to my plate. Now it’s an eye doctor because some of the meds that I’m on are having an effect on my vision. All will go back to normal once I’m done with these meds, but for now it is what it is. Plastic surgeons, oncologist, dermatologist, eye doctors, acupuncture, support groups, just to name a few. I’m always running somewhere, but it’s for my cancer, or has to do with my cancer. I’m also starting to get neuropathy in my fingers. So my fingertips tingle a lot, especially after holding onto something for awhile. And with all the appointments I have to go to, or recovering from chemo comes juggling care for my kids. Who’s able to take Ryan today? Who’s getting Matthew? It’s a lot. I’ve never asked for much my entire life. And now, for these next few months I have to rely on help from others. My life is at the hands of doctors and caregivers. But somehow through all of this I’m able to look at the positives and see things differently. I have to. I have to love breathing in fresh air, seeing birds fly, appreciate the calmness of cloudy days, as I did today, see the good in whatever is around me. I sit back and watch my kids play and love the beauty of their bond, even more now if that’s possible, that’s been since Ryan was born. I cherish things now that once didn’t really matter as much to me. And some things that once mattered so much, don’t really seem like much anymore. Everything is different now.
So I take fun pictures, and I take myself to Target sometimes and I love, even if it’s for an hour or two, when I get to go out on occasion with Jason, even if it’s just to dinner. And I smile when I get to go to the park with my kids, or on a walk, or when I’m with my other family members. Or sometimes I have a beer and enjoy it, or meet a friend for lunch or a walk. Because for those few hours, or however long I’m doing whatever I’m doing, I’m normal for a bit and enjoying the pleasures of life. I’m just like everyone else. I’m not sitting in an doctors office, or in a chemo chair. I’m not lying in my bed or thinking about my awful headaches or muscle aches. I’m just like all of you again for a bit. But seeing real normalcy and experiencing normalcy can get emotional for me, because I’ve forgotten what it feels like to do those things and honestly when I do get to do something that feels normal I get so overjoyed. I now know and can appreciate more than I ever did before, how freeing driving by yourself is on a sunny day with windows open, or even on a cloudy day with my sunroof open, in absolute silence. Just with the noise of the breeze. There are times, to be honest, when I can get sad because either seeing someone doing something I used to be able to do normally gets to me or because I know the fun normalcy that I’m experiencing for that little bit will soon come to an end and I have to go back to my reality. But I’m dealing with it the best way I can. So if I’m with you and I need a breather, just know it’s me and I’ll be ok. Sometimes I just need a few minutes I’ll be ok. My anxiety meds help tremendously too.
And please do not get offended if I decline to hug or kiss you hello or goodbye. Even if you are healthy, I do have to be super careful. If I get sick, it may affect my treatment and my health. Just another FYI.
If you are reading this and you want to do something, do me a favor, do yourself a favor and take pleasures in the simple things in life. Look for the positives, instead of the negatives. Be grateful and appreciate what you do have instead of what you don’t have. Be kind and understanding to others and be accepting. And remember not everyone will always see things the same way as you, and that’s ok. Play with your kids and take them places. Have fun with them and love them up. If they are still small, snuggle them as much as they need it. Don’t take anything for granted. Life can change at any moment. I’m living proof. December 8, 2018 I was fine. December 9, 2018 our lives changed. My life changed forever. And I’m lucky. I caught it myself, early enough before anything else progressed, even though I’m already at stage 3. There’s not one day that goes by that I don’t thank whatever higher power there is out there that made me feel what I felt that night. My goodness, things happen- you just never know.
Just know I’m working hard over here, every day. 6 more weeks of chemo, but my journey doesn’t end there. I still have surgery, maybe surgeries, and possibly radiation headed my way. It’s been a long road, and I still have a ways to go. Sometimes it’s still a very surreal experience.
Again, I appreciate all of the kind words, messages, emails, texts, etc. It really helps. Definitely reach out if you’d like. I’d love to hear from anyone. Sitting here day after day in this Groundhog Day experience gets real old sometimes. If I’m sleeping, my phone is on do not disturb so I won’t hear it anyways.
If you’re someone who has joined in on the meal train, sent a gift card, or helped out in anyway with food, thank you, thank you, thank you a million times over. If you are someone interested in helping out, there are still some dates left and some more dates might be added on, as the plans for my surgery and there after unfolds. I can’t stand on my feet to cook and Jason has pretty much taken over attending to the kids at night, so the meals sent and help with meals is just so beyond amazing and more appreciated than you’ll ever know.
Thank you to those of you who keep me and my family in your thoughts and please keep those good thoughts and prayers for us coming!!
💗💪🏻🙏
#teammichele
Tuesday, April 16, 2019
Wednesday, April 3, 2019
April 3, 2019
This is a long one so bear with me-
My kids. My kids are my world, as everyone’s kids are their world, but mine are what keeps me going. Not the only things that keep me going, but they are high up there. As it should be.
For me, I always knew I wanted to be a mom. Earlier on, if my friends and I would get into conversations about what we wanted to when we grew up, I’d always say that I definitely knew I wanted to be a mom. That was my path, my calling. I’ve worked with children my entire life. From helping with my sister when she was little, to going to work at summer camps as a counselor, a life guard, swim instructor, division leader, a child care teacher in the 18-24 month old room, to working in every room in a child care center, to babysitting, to teaching- working with kids is all I’ve ever known. So from all my experience I can confidently say that I understand children and help them when they are sad. I know how to help make them happy and how to help them to feel proud. With my own kids I teach my babies sign language for better communication. I give opportunities for my kids to make choices, so that they are feeling some sense of control. Disciplining when it’s necessary comes easy to me. Because I’ve done it all for someone else’s child/children for years. I spent my whole life, up until Matthew was born, only caring for other people’s children. Making them my first priority. So with that being said for me, wanting to be a mom and taking care of my own kids was just always what I knew I wanted to do. And I knew I’d be good at it.
And by no means do I consider myself a perfect mom, I don’t know everything, and I do have my off moments, but I’m completely comfortable with the choices we make and how we are raising our kids. What they are allowed to do, not allowed to do, what they are allowed to watch, not allowed to watch, and what they can eat and when they can eat it when it comes to not so healthy snack choices, or how we put our kids to sleep with the dreaded bed time controversy that will never end.
When Matthew was born, June 6, 2014, I was in absolute love with him. And I was lucky, everything came pretty naturally to me. For me, holding him and being with him and playing with him was enough. We bonded and spent the best times together. I had a csection so I needed a lot of help at the beginning. Jason took off of work for 2 weeks after Matthew was born but after that I was pretty much on my own. I had complications with the incision from my csection so I couldn’t drive for weeks. It was the summer, so during the week when I could, we got out and went for walks but sometimes it was too hot, or my incision would hurt too much and we couldn’t go outside. Eventually I was able to drive and we started going places. But we did what we could together. The development we lived in at the time was small and I knew no one. We hadn’t lived there very long. And my mom was still working and most of my friends worked at summer camps. So for awhile it was just me and my Matthew every day. Some days were hard of course. Especially being with him all day. But I looked at the positives. I had a beautiful baby boy, a blessing in itself and even on the hard days I wouldn’t have changed anything for the world. Every stage would change, everything was temporary, and I got to spend so much time with him. Getting out of the house all in one piece became challenging, lol, but I ended up with a great system. I started taking him to the park a lot when I was cleared to drive again. Mercer County Park. I would set up a blanket by the lake, I’d bring toys, and we’d play there. Then Matthew would nap in the stroller or the car. We did everything together. He was my little sidekick.
Matthew was a snuggler. Still is to a point. So I soaked up those snuggles. I held him for naps, I squeezed him when I could, and I rocked him to sleep. I went back to work when Matthew was only 3 months old. That was hard, but we got through it. Those work days, by the time I came home, made dinner, I had an hour or 2 to spend with Matthew before it was his bedtime. So rocking him to sleep, for me, was more bonding for us. I didn’t get to see him during the day. Eventually we had to break the habit of rocking him, which was tough, but we got through it. I’m not one for sleep training, but we did a gentle version, in which one of us stayed in the room with him. And it worked. And now he’s almost 5 and one of us still lays with him to put him to sleep. And we are ok with that. Because one day he’s not going to want to lay with us. Or snuggle us. Actually some of the best conversations with him that I’ve had are when I’m putting him to sleep. He opens up to me then. It’s still our bonding time and again, I wouldn’t change a thing.
The summers home with Matthew were so fun too. He’s an early riser. Always was. My friends, you know who you are, would laugh because it would be 9am and Matthew and I were always out and about. Whether it was a park, Target, the mall, a play place, a stroll on the boardwalk, the pool club, a play date we were always out doing something and we started early. I never minded napping him in the car either. It was easy. We’d get out early, then he’d nap in the car, I’d get an iced coffee and find somewhere nice to park and with the car on and the air on, and I’d have some down time. He was always flexible and we could be on the go. It made our time together better and we didn’t have time constraints or restrictions. And we weren’t stuck in the house. Ever. It’s what worked best for us and our lifestyle. I loved being with Matthew. I still do. He’s the absolute best.
Ryan is our rainbow baby. It took us 3 years to get him here. After 2 miscarriages and I can’t even tell you how many, failed attempts, we finally April 30, 2018 had our 2nd baby in our arms. It was a miracle. We were finally a family of 4 and my heart was full. Again I was in love with our new baby. The beginning with him though was hard. I had a csection again and needed help and was lucky, my mom was now retired, Jason was able to stay home again, and my in-laws are close, so I had the help I needed. But Ryan turned out to be colic. So the first 3 months with him by myself was rough, but I spent a lot of time researching, talking to others, getting the help that I needed and we worked it out the best we could. I still bonded with Ryan and it was great, but by the time I was supposed to return to work in September, I knew I needed more time with him. The colic had just settled and we were finally getting the time together that we needed. So I extended my leave until November. Again, I held him for naps and squeezed him when I could, and played with him and we had so much fun together. And I rock him to sleep too. He’s not a good sleeper. And maybe that’s partly our fault because we don’t sleep train. But for me, when my kids cry they need something and they need us and I will go to them and comfort them as many times as I need to. And so will Jason. Because that’s what we feel is right for us. But that’s not to say anything we do is right or not right, it just is what works for us. Does Ryan sleep through the night yet? No lol. Will he eventually yes. So when he cries mama and I go in there and pick him up and I say mamas here it’s ok and he stops crying and puts his head on my shoulder and falls right back to sleep, I’m ok with that. Because one day he won’t do that anymore. I soak up my snuggles.
Especially these days.
I was supposed to go back to work in November. As that time came closer, something told me I needed more time home with Ryan. I don’t know if you believe I messages from higher powers, but I sure do. And once again something told me I needed more time. So again, I extended my leave until January 2nd. And boy I’m so glad that I did. Because the evening of December 9th came and our lives then changed forever.
Life with Ryan these days now is different than the life I had with Matthew when he was that age. With Matthew I was working. With Ryan I’m home, but I’m home for different reasons. I’m home because I’m literally fighting for my life. I have stage 3 breast cancer. I don’t get to spend time with him as much as I’d like anymore because I’m either going for a treatment, or recovering from a treatment. And he’s all over the place, either being taken from me by my mom, or my mom goes here or he’s taken from me by my in laws or sometimes they come here. His schedule is all over the place because he’s with different people everyday. And when I am home with Ryan, most times I’m just too tired to take care of him myself. My arms get tired fast, my body gets tired easily, which I was just told today will get worse as we go on, and there’s so much more going on with my with my body, which I won’t get into now. So for me, taking care of him by myself is hard, but I want to take care of him by myself. I want to spend that time with him. I spend Mondays and Tuesdays with Ryan. But sometimes I have appointments to get to, so it’s not even for the whole day. Some of you might think I’m lucky because I have help and I’m getting a break from parenting. I get to get out and someone comes to help me. But I want to spend that time with Ryan. He’s my child who I miss. And I’m not spending the time that I’m without him having any fun. I’m going to doctors, plastic surgeons, getting chemo treatments-it’s not like I’m doing anything enjoyable. Sometimes I get a free hour or 2 to meet someone for lunch or go browse a store. But that doesn’t happen often. So I’m so grateful for the help that do I have and I know if I were working it would be the same thing, I wouldn’t see Ryan all day anyways, but to me it’s just different and when Ryan leaves me for the day it’s still very hard for me. Wednesday’s I’m too tired when he comes home, Thursday’s I actually do feel ok so mostly I spend with him, Fridays and Saturdays I hardly see him. Sundays maybe by the afternoon. And even though I’m home with him, I still can’t always take care of him myself.
It’s hard. I know I’m doing the best I can, and Ryan is fine with whom ever he is with. But handing him off for the day or leaving him for an afternoon is still hard for me. It’s hard when Matthew is home too because he asks me where I’m going and I have to be careful to explain things in words that he can understand and tell him only minimal information. But Matthew is in school all day so it’s different with him. I spend time with him when he comes home doing the things he likes to do when I can. But it’s still hard because I need breaks. He comes home at the end of the day when I’m even more tired.
Parenting is not easy at times for anyone. Different stages are hard, figuring out what works best for your child is hard, and not being able to go out when you are home with them all day is hard. Its a long day and it’s all just hard. But I do know that I’m not the kind of mom who needs breaks from my kids so often. I never was. I love being with my kids and I’m so glad I’m with my kids so much. When I’m not with them, I miss them. They brighten my day and being a mom was something I was always meant to do.
I can’t wait until I’m better and we can take our next family vacation together. Seeing something through the eyes of your child, especially for the first time, and being together as a family somewhere is enough for me.
For a struggling mom out there, things get better. Things get easier and everything is always temporary because these little ones are always changing. Hug those babies. Play with those babies. Enjoy spending time with your babies. In one single moment your whole life can change. My cancer diagnosis has taught me a lot so far. To re-evaluate things and look at things with entirely new perspective. So I’m continuing to hold my baby, continuing to rock him to sleep and continuing to lay down with Matthew for as long as I can. You do what’s best for you and your family. I go through hell every week but this all could’ve been so much worse for me and for my family. So I soak up every moment I can with my family, my kids, and with Jason. Life changes in an instant and these are times that I’ll never get back.
Thanks for reading! 💗💪🏻🙏
This is a long one so bear with me-
My kids. My kids are my world, as everyone’s kids are their world, but mine are what keeps me going. Not the only things that keep me going, but they are high up there. As it should be.
For me, I always knew I wanted to be a mom. Earlier on, if my friends and I would get into conversations about what we wanted to when we grew up, I’d always say that I definitely knew I wanted to be a mom. That was my path, my calling. I’ve worked with children my entire life. From helping with my sister when she was little, to going to work at summer camps as a counselor, a life guard, swim instructor, division leader, a child care teacher in the 18-24 month old room, to working in every room in a child care center, to babysitting, to teaching- working with kids is all I’ve ever known. So from all my experience I can confidently say that I understand children and help them when they are sad. I know how to help make them happy and how to help them to feel proud. With my own kids I teach my babies sign language for better communication. I give opportunities for my kids to make choices, so that they are feeling some sense of control. Disciplining when it’s necessary comes easy to me. Because I’ve done it all for someone else’s child/children for years. I spent my whole life, up until Matthew was born, only caring for other people’s children. Making them my first priority. So with that being said for me, wanting to be a mom and taking care of my own kids was just always what I knew I wanted to do. And I knew I’d be good at it.
And by no means do I consider myself a perfect mom, I don’t know everything, and I do have my off moments, but I’m completely comfortable with the choices we make and how we are raising our kids. What they are allowed to do, not allowed to do, what they are allowed to watch, not allowed to watch, and what they can eat and when they can eat it when it comes to not so healthy snack choices, or how we put our kids to sleep with the dreaded bed time controversy that will never end.
When Matthew was born, June 6, 2014, I was in absolute love with him. And I was lucky, everything came pretty naturally to me. For me, holding him and being with him and playing with him was enough. We bonded and spent the best times together. I had a csection so I needed a lot of help at the beginning. Jason took off of work for 2 weeks after Matthew was born but after that I was pretty much on my own. I had complications with the incision from my csection so I couldn’t drive for weeks. It was the summer, so during the week when I could, we got out and went for walks but sometimes it was too hot, or my incision would hurt too much and we couldn’t go outside. Eventually I was able to drive and we started going places. But we did what we could together. The development we lived in at the time was small and I knew no one. We hadn’t lived there very long. And my mom was still working and most of my friends worked at summer camps. So for awhile it was just me and my Matthew every day. Some days were hard of course. Especially being with him all day. But I looked at the positives. I had a beautiful baby boy, a blessing in itself and even on the hard days I wouldn’t have changed anything for the world. Every stage would change, everything was temporary, and I got to spend so much time with him. Getting out of the house all in one piece became challenging, lol, but I ended up with a great system. I started taking him to the park a lot when I was cleared to drive again. Mercer County Park. I would set up a blanket by the lake, I’d bring toys, and we’d play there. Then Matthew would nap in the stroller or the car. We did everything together. He was my little sidekick.
Matthew was a snuggler. Still is to a point. So I soaked up those snuggles. I held him for naps, I squeezed him when I could, and I rocked him to sleep. I went back to work when Matthew was only 3 months old. That was hard, but we got through it. Those work days, by the time I came home, made dinner, I had an hour or 2 to spend with Matthew before it was his bedtime. So rocking him to sleep, for me, was more bonding for us. I didn’t get to see him during the day. Eventually we had to break the habit of rocking him, which was tough, but we got through it. I’m not one for sleep training, but we did a gentle version, in which one of us stayed in the room with him. And it worked. And now he’s almost 5 and one of us still lays with him to put him to sleep. And we are ok with that. Because one day he’s not going to want to lay with us. Or snuggle us. Actually some of the best conversations with him that I’ve had are when I’m putting him to sleep. He opens up to me then. It’s still our bonding time and again, I wouldn’t change a thing.
The summers home with Matthew were so fun too. He’s an early riser. Always was. My friends, you know who you are, would laugh because it would be 9am and Matthew and I were always out and about. Whether it was a park, Target, the mall, a play place, a stroll on the boardwalk, the pool club, a play date we were always out doing something and we started early. I never minded napping him in the car either. It was easy. We’d get out early, then he’d nap in the car, I’d get an iced coffee and find somewhere nice to park and with the car on and the air on, and I’d have some down time. He was always flexible and we could be on the go. It made our time together better and we didn’t have time constraints or restrictions. And we weren’t stuck in the house. Ever. It’s what worked best for us and our lifestyle. I loved being with Matthew. I still do. He’s the absolute best.
Ryan is our rainbow baby. It took us 3 years to get him here. After 2 miscarriages and I can’t even tell you how many, failed attempts, we finally April 30, 2018 had our 2nd baby in our arms. It was a miracle. We were finally a family of 4 and my heart was full. Again I was in love with our new baby. The beginning with him though was hard. I had a csection again and needed help and was lucky, my mom was now retired, Jason was able to stay home again, and my in-laws are close, so I had the help I needed. But Ryan turned out to be colic. So the first 3 months with him by myself was rough, but I spent a lot of time researching, talking to others, getting the help that I needed and we worked it out the best we could. I still bonded with Ryan and it was great, but by the time I was supposed to return to work in September, I knew I needed more time with him. The colic had just settled and we were finally getting the time together that we needed. So I extended my leave until November. Again, I held him for naps and squeezed him when I could, and played with him and we had so much fun together. And I rock him to sleep too. He’s not a good sleeper. And maybe that’s partly our fault because we don’t sleep train. But for me, when my kids cry they need something and they need us and I will go to them and comfort them as many times as I need to. And so will Jason. Because that’s what we feel is right for us. But that’s not to say anything we do is right or not right, it just is what works for us. Does Ryan sleep through the night yet? No lol. Will he eventually yes. So when he cries mama and I go in there and pick him up and I say mamas here it’s ok and he stops crying and puts his head on my shoulder and falls right back to sleep, I’m ok with that. Because one day he won’t do that anymore. I soak up my snuggles.
Especially these days.
I was supposed to go back to work in November. As that time came closer, something told me I needed more time home with Ryan. I don’t know if you believe I messages from higher powers, but I sure do. And once again something told me I needed more time. So again, I extended my leave until January 2nd. And boy I’m so glad that I did. Because the evening of December 9th came and our lives then changed forever.
Life with Ryan these days now is different than the life I had with Matthew when he was that age. With Matthew I was working. With Ryan I’m home, but I’m home for different reasons. I’m home because I’m literally fighting for my life. I have stage 3 breast cancer. I don’t get to spend time with him as much as I’d like anymore because I’m either going for a treatment, or recovering from a treatment. And he’s all over the place, either being taken from me by my mom, or my mom goes here or he’s taken from me by my in laws or sometimes they come here. His schedule is all over the place because he’s with different people everyday. And when I am home with Ryan, most times I’m just too tired to take care of him myself. My arms get tired fast, my body gets tired easily, which I was just told today will get worse as we go on, and there’s so much more going on with my with my body, which I won’t get into now. So for me, taking care of him by myself is hard, but I want to take care of him by myself. I want to spend that time with him. I spend Mondays and Tuesdays with Ryan. But sometimes I have appointments to get to, so it’s not even for the whole day. Some of you might think I’m lucky because I have help and I’m getting a break from parenting. I get to get out and someone comes to help me. But I want to spend that time with Ryan. He’s my child who I miss. And I’m not spending the time that I’m without him having any fun. I’m going to doctors, plastic surgeons, getting chemo treatments-it’s not like I’m doing anything enjoyable. Sometimes I get a free hour or 2 to meet someone for lunch or go browse a store. But that doesn’t happen often. So I’m so grateful for the help that do I have and I know if I were working it would be the same thing, I wouldn’t see Ryan all day anyways, but to me it’s just different and when Ryan leaves me for the day it’s still very hard for me. Wednesday’s I’m too tired when he comes home, Thursday’s I actually do feel ok so mostly I spend with him, Fridays and Saturdays I hardly see him. Sundays maybe by the afternoon. And even though I’m home with him, I still can’t always take care of him myself.
It’s hard. I know I’m doing the best I can, and Ryan is fine with whom ever he is with. But handing him off for the day or leaving him for an afternoon is still hard for me. It’s hard when Matthew is home too because he asks me where I’m going and I have to be careful to explain things in words that he can understand and tell him only minimal information. But Matthew is in school all day so it’s different with him. I spend time with him when he comes home doing the things he likes to do when I can. But it’s still hard because I need breaks. He comes home at the end of the day when I’m even more tired.
Parenting is not easy at times for anyone. Different stages are hard, figuring out what works best for your child is hard, and not being able to go out when you are home with them all day is hard. Its a long day and it’s all just hard. But I do know that I’m not the kind of mom who needs breaks from my kids so often. I never was. I love being with my kids and I’m so glad I’m with my kids so much. When I’m not with them, I miss them. They brighten my day and being a mom was something I was always meant to do.
I can’t wait until I’m better and we can take our next family vacation together. Seeing something through the eyes of your child, especially for the first time, and being together as a family somewhere is enough for me.
For a struggling mom out there, things get better. Things get easier and everything is always temporary because these little ones are always changing. Hug those babies. Play with those babies. Enjoy spending time with your babies. In one single moment your whole life can change. My cancer diagnosis has taught me a lot so far. To re-evaluate things and look at things with entirely new perspective. So I’m continuing to hold my baby, continuing to rock him to sleep and continuing to lay down with Matthew for as long as I can. You do what’s best for you and your family. I go through hell every week but this all could’ve been so much worse for me and for my family. So I soak up every moment I can with my family, my kids, and with Jason. Life changes in an instant and these are times that I’ll never get back.
Thanks for reading! 💗💪🏻🙏
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