Tuesday May 28 2019
The night before my last chemo treatment.

I’m laying here tonight and of course I’m so tired but I can’t fall asleep. I’ve never been so excited to sit in a chemo chair. Tomorrow is it. Day #134 and my last treatment. I’ve made it to taxol #12. I still have to get through the next few days after, as the bone pain, headaches, and other side effects are just unexplainable at this point, but I’ll get through it just like I have the 11 times before on this type of chemo and 4 other times on the first type of chemo I received.

Needless to say, I’m tired. Not exhausted tired but my body is just tired. Tired of feeling the way I do, tired of this routine I’ve been living for the past 4 months, but grateful that I get to see that light at the end of the tunnel, right now for the chemo part at least. I’ve come a long way since that night of December 9th when I found my lumps and I’ve come an even longer way since my first chemo session back on January 16th. It’s all been a learning process and I’m proud to say I’ve really learned some valuable lessons. I’ve stayed so positive throughout because that’s just me and who I am. It takes A LOT to push aside the pains and side effects that consume my daily life, but I do it. I do it for myself and for my kids. The more I keep busy, the less I think about how awful I really do feel.  If my kids want to play, I get on that floor as much as I can but I’ve learned to modify how I need to play. Sometimes I toss a ball with Matthew while my arms tingle and I maybe last for 5 throws and catches before I need a break, or sometimes in the backyard I play catch sitting down if my legs are too tired. This evening Matthew and I played hot potato with a ball and I just pushed through until I needed to take a break. I don’t let my ailments stop me from living. I may get winded easier, I might need frequent breaks, I may have to sleep on certain days for longer, but I figure out a way to do what I can. I’m extremely thankful, as most of who I’ve seen throughout this time say that I don’t look sick and that if I’m not feeling too well that I hide it well. I’ve just learned to manage and glad my hard times don’t show easily.  Today I spent the better part of the morning meeting with and helping another young girl who is a mother of 2 children, both around the same ages as my kids, who was just diagnosed similarly as me. I’m happy that I’m looked at as though I’m able to help others already, even when I’m not finished yet myself. I was asked to meet with her, to help ease her mind a bit and I take pride in myself now knowing that I can help others navigate this awful awful time.

I still have a lot to go though myself. Nothing like chemo but the next step is surgery. I go in Monday, July 1st for surgery, which will be  a double mastectomy and to sample lymph nodes. No reconstruction at that time. Then we wait for pathology reports to determine if I’ll need radiation or not. Right now it’s up in the air until we get that pathology report. If radiation is needed, I’ll start in August. Then I won’t be able to do reconstruction until about February. If no radiation, I go back in 6-8 weeks after my mastectomy for my reconstruction. So that’s the game plan as of now.

Thank you again for your continuous love and support and keep sending those good wishes and vibes my way! 💪🏻💗🙏

Friday May 24, 2019

Day after 11th chemo day. Man, I’m tired but I’m ok like most days the day after chemo. It won’t hit me until maybe late late tonight, definitely tomorrow morning. It’s so beautiful out and I haven’t had a normal Friday since December, maybe even November before all this stuff started, so I decided to get up and out early with Ryan. He slept a little later than usual so I knew I had some time this morning before his nap. 8:30am and we were in the car. Got an iced coffee, went to the rec center and let him run around for 20 min, had a snack, and then I drove to the Jackson Outlets and Ryan fell asleep along the way. Perfect! And I’m parked, air running, sipping my iced coffee and Ryan is still fast asleep. I’ve been craving weather like this. It just soothes my soul and to be able to be out and enjoying it is just so amazing. It reminds me of summer days I had off when Matthew was a baby. We’d do the exact same thing. He was an early riser, so we were always up and out early. I packed up the car for the day, lunches, snacks, water, whatever else we needed to stay out, and went wherever the day took us. I’m totally fine with all naps in the car. Today Ryan and I, we’ll only be out for a little bit but I’m so so grateful for how this day is turning out so far. Later we are taking Matthew out for mommy daddy Matthew dinner. Wonderful start to this weekend. Especially since I know I’ll be sleeping all day tomorrow. Soaking up every moment I can today. Just wanted to share :)

Wednesday May 22, 2019

This week so far has been a bit different and will continue to be different for the next few days. I usually have my chemo treatments on Wednesdays but this week I’m scheduled for tomorrow, Thursday. Business is booming in the infusion room unfortunately, so I got moved to Thursday. No big deal. I was so achy for so much longer this week that it was a nice break to have an extra consecutive day that I was feeling somewhat ok. I’ve been keeping myself super busy this week. Sunday I started to feel decent again so I spent the day with my parents and my sister at her house, Monday I was busy with Ryan and appointments, Tuesday I visited the school where I’m currently on leave from and then in the evening I joined some friends and went to a sip and paint event, and today was so beautiful out so I spent a few hours with Ryan at a park with some great friends and their kids. Each night this week I was exhausted. During each day I was exhausted. Not exhausted like I need to sleep exhausted, but just my whole body felt so tired. I become majorly fatigued easily and I feel that way most of the time. But this week I pushed through it. Not so much where I could fall off my feet, but I wanted to see how much I could do in the state I was in each day. And each day was different, but I managed. I wanted to do normal things this week and I did, but wow I forgot how exhausting normalcy with kids are on a daily basis without having cancer or chemo treatments, so running around each day in the states that I’ve been in definitely took everything I had. My treatments are dose dense so the chemo is building and building in me so this tail end is the worst. Needless to say I hurt all over every night, but I feel like I accomplished something great. I pushed myself and I did everything I wanted to do and more. The price to pay for it- total exhaustion, shakiness at times, aches and pains all over, headaches, but it was all so worth it. I had so much fun this week.  Now tomorrow, Thursday, is back to my reality. Taxol #11. So this week Friday I’ll feel ok, Saturday I’ll sleep all day, and maybe by Sunday I’ll start feeling ok by the afternoon. Then I get Monday and Tuesday, and then Wednesday I go in for my last treatment!!! I’m almost done!!! 💪🏻💗🙏

May 16, 2019

It’s Thursday night at 8:50 pm. The day after my 10th taxol treatment. The haze is starting to set in so I’m bracing myself for another rough few days. But instead of being angry or upset or anxious about what’s to come in the next few days, I start off with gratitude.

I’m grateful for the amazing support system I have, family, friends, coworkers of mine and Jason’s, warm and sunny days like today, grateful that I feel well enough the day after treatments to hang with Ryan and any other visitors before my fog sets in. Today I’m grateful for being able to spend a few hours with my sister, my niece, and my Ryan. I’m grateful for the way Matthew comes home from school and greets Ryan. I’m grateful that I get to snuggle my kids before bed. I’m grateful for my rockstar husband who goes above and beyond for our family. I’m grateful for my new glasses so I can see the tv when my haze sets in, I’m grateful tonight for my comfy couch, comfy clothes, medicine, and my bed. And I’m grateful that I’ll hopefully get to sleep off all this yuck tomorrow in a quiet house. I’m grateful for and looking forward to later Sunday and Monday when I’m back to myself for a bit before starting all over again. Grateful that next week is #11. 💪🏻💗🙏

Wednesday May 15, 2019

I’m currently sitting in a chair being hooked up to all my meds for my 10th infusion. My actual chemo days here aren’t too rough anymore. I usually have my favorite chair saved for me. I take out my water, phone, blanket and I get myself all situated. I’m a pro now. I’ve also gotten to know some of the nurses here and as much as I’d rather be anywhere else, it’s nice talking with them when I come in.

I woke up this morning, helped get my kids ready for their day and then once everyone was gone and my house was quiet, I saw the sun shining and decided I would get out myself  for a bit. So at 8:30 this morning I made a return at Target, then I browsed shoes for Matthew at DSW, and I picked up all my refilled prescriptions. I was back home by 9:50, just in time to sit for 10 min and then get all my things together to leave for my infusion. It’s nice getting out the morning of my infusion- I get to do normal things before the craziness starts.

Last night I decided to join in on a cancer support group, which is held at the office where my breast surgeon is located. I’ve actually been to 3 different support groups throughout the past few months, but they all meet once a month so I go to a few of them so I get more than one meeting. I like going.  I find it so helpful and I find myself at ease talking with people of all different ages and stages. These people are now people who I can relate to and being around people and talking with people who are like me, who have been through this or who are going through anything I’m going through right now, it really is therapeutic. It’s my new normal. I’ve always considered myself to be an open minded, sympathetic and compassionate person when it comes to others but I find myself more so now, than I’ve ever been. We laugh together, we cry together, we understand each other. This is my new normal and I’m starting to come to terms with it. There are members of these support groups who have been coming for years because they like to be there to help new members. So even when my journey is all over, I’ll be one of those people who go to the groups to support new members. I like that I’ll be able to do that.

While driving home last night after this meeting the sky was so pretty. It was raining with storm clouds behind me with sunny skies to the left of me and I said to myself this is the perfect rainbow sky. And as I came to a red light I glanced up and there it was- a rainbow.  Now I’ve never been a super spiritual person, but I feel like after the conversations and what had been discussed at this meeting I was at, this rainbow was intended for me to see. I took it as a sign that yes it’s a long road, but there’s a light at the end of this tunnel, which I know, and good things come after storms.  My storm is almost over...💗💪🏻🙏

Sunday May 12, 2019

Here we are at Sunday night again. I’ve made it through another weekend after a treatment. Treatment #9 out of 12 and I’m almost feeling back to myself, but this one was a rough one.  Tomorrow I’ll wake up and feel a little better and by Tuesday I’ll be ok. Then it’s Wednesday and we start all over again. Weeks go by so fast, which is good because I’m almost at that finish line. Wednesday will be treatment #10! But as fast as they go, it doesn’t leave me too much time to recover and just like this past #9, these last few treatments are going to hit me hard. Wednesdays after my treatment I’m sleepy, but I’m good. Thursdays, I’m ok. Thursdays late at night, that’s when everything starts to creep in and I know it’s starting when my eyes start getting hazy. This time my head hurt like never before. Fridays I wake up and that’s when it really hits me but this time was different. By Friday evening I don’t think there was actually one part of me or muscle in my body that didn’t hurt. From my head, to my fingers, to my toes, my eyes and my eyelids. Everything hurt.  Thank goodness for medicine and the ability to sleep through it. I slept all day Friday and just about 12 hours Friday night to Saturday morning. I woke up Saturday morning and thought I was ok for a bit, but then later morning it all crept back in and I went back to sleep for awhile. By Saturday evening the pains had decreased enough for me to go out with Jason for a pre Mother’s Day dinner, but 2 hours out and that was all I could do. It felt so nice to be out for a bit, but I couldn’t wait to take medicine and lay down. Thankfully, as the days go on, the pains seem to decrease, except for the neuropathy in my fingers, my the pains that come and go in my back and shoulders, and my feet hurt if I’m on them too long. Today was Mother’s Day and I managed to enjoy the day, despite these lingering side effects. I played with Matthew, snuggled Ryan for a nap, went shopping by myself for a bit, and had a nice evening with my family for dinner. It was nice to just forget about cancer for awhile.

Tomorrow is Monday and I have a few appointments. Tuesday I’ll spend the day with Ryan.  Then it’s Wednesday again. As I said earlier, I was told by my oncology nurses and other people who have gone through the chemo treatment that I’m going through that these last few are the roughest. I now know why, but at least I now know what to expect and now for this last little stretch, I just have to learn to manage my days as best as I can, with what I’m experiencing. And that means with young kids, on the days I’m feeling almost back to myself, it’s pushing these side effects to the side as best as I can to get through these days. The best is when this horrible rain stops and I can get outside for a bit. Last Tuesday, the day before treatment #9, it was beautiful out. I was tired, but I actually took Ryan to the park and ran after him for almost 2 hours. That was the most I was on my feet with him in months and it felt amazing, until later when I couldn’t move lol, but it sure was worth it. Later that evening when Jason came home, we took the kids in the backyard and we played some more. I sat and watched a lot, but I pushed Ryan on his swing for a bit and kicked a soccer ball with Matthew. It was one of the best days I’d had in awhile. I need more of my feel good days to be like that. Soon enough though, this will all be done and I’ll have plenty of feel good days.

So I know I can do this and I will get through it, but keep all your love, support, and positive vibes coming!! It helps get me through!  3 more treatments to go! 💗💪🏻🙏