December 30, 2019
9:30pm
There are only a few more hours left to this year. Only few more hours left to this decade. In a little over 24 hours from now we’ll be getting ready to ring in 2020 and although I’m glad to see 2019 out, to be quite honest, it’s a little bittersweet for me.
2019 started out on a sour note. By December 31st of 2018, only a year ago, I had just had my 38th birthday and just a few days prior to that, I had just been given my breast cancer diagnosis. Last year on New Year’s Eve we decided to just spend the evening in. Ryan was only a few months old so he went to bed like normal and Matthew stayed up later than usual and we celebrated with him for a bit, but he didn’t make it to midnight (thankfully lol) and once he went to bed, Jason and I just watched the cheesy New Year’s Eve live specials from Times Square and where ever else they broadcasted from and we tried our best to stay awake until midnight. We were unsure of what was to come for the year ahead, so it was just a quiet evening. And it was fine.
January 1st 2019. Game face was on. Time to fight for my life. Survival mode took over and January 16th I started chemotherapy. For the next 4 months, I battled. Every single day. Every single hour. Some days every single minute. May 28th was my last chemo treatment but the chemo builds up, so it takes a very long time for a body to rid itself of this poison and all the side effects that come along for the ride. Especially because my treatment was very aggressive. So I continued to battle because even though chemo ended, I was still at war.
July 1st I went in for my surgery. A double mastectomy. A 6 hour procedure to remove two body parts, because one of those parts was severely diseased. The other side was elective but was necessary to proactively ensure that this doesn’t happen again. By the time I was recovered, the year was almost over and I hardly saw any of it.
A few weeks later we found out that my battle wasn’t over yet because I needed aggressive radiation. I had a lymph node effected and some evidence of disease that hadn’t been picked up on my scans that were done months ago, which is unfortunately quite common, but was fortunately removed with the mastectomy procedure. To ensure that everything was “gotten” and for preventative measures, radiation was the next step. So on September 3rd, while everyone else was returning to their normal daily lives after a fun Labor Day weekend, I was preparing for my first radiation session. 28 sessions of radiation, which ended October 10th, left me with more side effects. Side effects that get worse before they get better. So I battled for a little bit longer.
A few weeks later I started some more medications, that I’ll be on for a number of years. Injections, medications, they come with side effects. As if I didn’t have enough already. It wasn’t until about a month later, maybe around Thanksgiving, that I started on that uphill climb. But some of my side effects are long lasting and unfortunately might be my new normal.
So it’s now a month later than that and I’m at the point where I have to focus on how to manage with my “new normal”. New normal- fatigue, bone/joint pain, Osteopenia and possible nerve damage in my left arm. Something always hurts me. I now wear glasses sometimes because there are times where my fatigue causes my eyes to get tired. There’s a lot more but we don’t need to go over everything. My oncologist said that it’s a new paradigm for me and I completely agree. So I’m taking this time right now to learn how to live and manage in this new paradigm, physically and mentally, in all aspects. Survival mode can be pushed a little to the side and I can now focus on getting back to me. New hair, new look, new perspectives, a new outlook, new medications, a new everything.
But I mentioned above that seeing this year out is bittersweet. And I truly mean that. Because although 2019 had me fighting for my life, there were some really amazing things I got to be present for. Like making sure I was with my kids at some point everyday. I saw my kids every single day. Even when I had to fight inside to get there. I did it. In 2019 Jason and I celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. Our Matthew turned 5, we celebrated our Ryan’s first birthday, we celebrated my niece’s first birthday, Matthew graduated Pre-K, Matthew started Kindergarten and there were so many other birthdays and special times in between. I reunited and got together with family that I hadn’t seen in years, I got to see all of Ryan’s “firsts” and milestones and I finally took a vacation by myself for a few days to Florida to visit one of my best friends. Over the course of the year I got to hear from and connect with so many people that I hadn’t seen in years and it just warmed my heart. I participated in an amazing photoshoot (thanks BeautfulSelf!), I was ON Dr. Oz on TV, I met Hoda Kotb on TV and I just celebrated MY 39th birthday. Throughout all of the bad and the craziness that consumed my life this year, there were so many other amazing moments. And to be able to find and remember the good moments in a year that you can barely even remember, is just a feeling that I can’t even begin to explain. But I’m doing it.
So I say goodbye to 2019, but as some might think, not good riddance. 2019 is the year that saved my life. If I hadn’t found what I found myself the night of December 9th 2018, I’m not sure what life would look like today, as we head into another new year. But I am ready for 2020. A new year, a new decade. It’s the year that I focus on the new me. I’m disease free and am slowly reacquainting myself with the outside world again.
In 2020, there are no resolutions. Just learning to live as I am now. My primary two goals- to spend as much time as I can with my husband, my kids, my parents, my sister and the rest of family and friends and to do everything I possibly can to take care of myself as a whole, so that I can live healthy and happy.
I wish everyone a healthy and a happy new year. Only good things for everyone in 2020.
💪🏻💗😊
Monday, December 30, 2019
Wednesday, December 25, 2019
Wednesday December 25, 2019
Christmas morning, Christmas Day.
So fun to see everyone enjoying their day! For us on a day like today, it’s usually an “everything is closed so what are we going to do with ourselves” kind of day. In the past, before kids, Jason and I would take part in the movies and Chinese food tradition, as you would find most people who are Jewish doing the same, but now it’s too crowded and too much planning and we just aren’t into it anymore. Maybe later we’ll order Chinese food in, but we know on a night like tonight we have to have our order placed at least 3 hours in advance, or else we’ll never get our food.
When I was younger, I remember going to Atlantic City on Christmas Eve to Christmas Day and that was always fun. Back then Tropicana was Trop World and it had an indoor amusement park. Rides, arcade games, it was the best. So my sister and I, and whoever else came to meet us down there would drop us kids off there and the grown ups would go do their thing. It was so much fun. But that doesn’t exist anymore. And we went away for for Christmas Eve/Christmas Day 2 years ago when I was pregnant with Ryan. We took Matthew to Hershey park for the night. We said we would go back last year but because of my situation, it just didn’t work out. So we kept saying for this year we’d take both the kids for the night. But Jason had to work yesterday and has to work tomorrow so it wasn’t going to work. Turns out not being able to go anywhere overnight this year as a family, was actually a blessing in disguise.
When is the last time you were actually able to say you could feel your heart feeling happy? I mean there are tons of things that happen everyday that make me happy but feeling that warm, fuzzy, happy feeling that you can feel in your heart and encompasses your entire upper body..... that’s exactly how I can describe how I felt this morning.
It’s still very hard for me to get out of bed in the morning. It’s a new me.... I have to have about a half hour or so before I actually come to, after initially waking up. Everyone here is used to it so this morning my kids jumped into our bed and we all snuggled and watched Ryan’s kids songs, and that’s my favorite way to wake up. Once I was finally up and out of bed, I took my coffee over to a chair in our living room where my kids were playing and I just sat back and watched. Jason was on the floor with the both of them but he was just hanging back too. And for the first time, in a very, very long time, we didn’t have to play with them. My two little boys were playing with each other. Without us. I looked at them, I looked at Jason watching them playing, and that heartwarming feeling came over me. Our kids are finally at the age where they can start to play together. I saw this a few weeks ago as well when I took both kids to an open play place, but it wasn’t until this morning when we were finally just hanging out as a family that I was able to see it in our own house. Just the 4 of us. Then I also realized that we haven’t sat together like this, as a family with nothing to do, in a long time as well. The weekends have also been busy, with karate and tball before it ended, and other things going on, and before all of that for the past almost year, I spent my weekends in bed. I missed out on a ton of family time. This morning and even right now, it’s absolutely perfect. Ryan is napping, Matthew is playing outside with Jason, and I’m sitting with my feet up. And maybe I’ll heat up some fun snacks for us in a bit.
We don’t celebrate Christmas, we don’t open presents up on Christmas morning, but I can assure you I have the exact same sentiments, gratitude, and all around happiness that I see in all of your beautiful family pictures this today. I feel so lucky, so grateful for everything I do have and for everyone that I have in my life, and so thankful for these precious moments where life can really slow down, even when you weren’t expecting it to or had other ideas that didn’t pan out.
A year ago today I was very frightful of what was to come. Here we are a year later and I’m sitting here today relaxing at home with my family, and I know it’s exactly where we are supposed to be. Thankful, grateful, happy, and extremely blessed. That’s what today is all about and I’m right here with all of you.
Merry Christmas to all of you out there who are celebrating today. Happy Hanukkah to the rest of my crew. And happy everything to everyone else. 💗
Christmas morning, Christmas Day.
So fun to see everyone enjoying their day! For us on a day like today, it’s usually an “everything is closed so what are we going to do with ourselves” kind of day. In the past, before kids, Jason and I would take part in the movies and Chinese food tradition, as you would find most people who are Jewish doing the same, but now it’s too crowded and too much planning and we just aren’t into it anymore. Maybe later we’ll order Chinese food in, but we know on a night like tonight we have to have our order placed at least 3 hours in advance, or else we’ll never get our food.
When I was younger, I remember going to Atlantic City on Christmas Eve to Christmas Day and that was always fun. Back then Tropicana was Trop World and it had an indoor amusement park. Rides, arcade games, it was the best. So my sister and I, and whoever else came to meet us down there would drop us kids off there and the grown ups would go do their thing. It was so much fun. But that doesn’t exist anymore. And we went away for for Christmas Eve/Christmas Day 2 years ago when I was pregnant with Ryan. We took Matthew to Hershey park for the night. We said we would go back last year but because of my situation, it just didn’t work out. So we kept saying for this year we’d take both the kids for the night. But Jason had to work yesterday and has to work tomorrow so it wasn’t going to work. Turns out not being able to go anywhere overnight this year as a family, was actually a blessing in disguise.
When is the last time you were actually able to say you could feel your heart feeling happy? I mean there are tons of things that happen everyday that make me happy but feeling that warm, fuzzy, happy feeling that you can feel in your heart and encompasses your entire upper body..... that’s exactly how I can describe how I felt this morning.
It’s still very hard for me to get out of bed in the morning. It’s a new me.... I have to have about a half hour or so before I actually come to, after initially waking up. Everyone here is used to it so this morning my kids jumped into our bed and we all snuggled and watched Ryan’s kids songs, and that’s my favorite way to wake up. Once I was finally up and out of bed, I took my coffee over to a chair in our living room where my kids were playing and I just sat back and watched. Jason was on the floor with the both of them but he was just hanging back too. And for the first time, in a very, very long time, we didn’t have to play with them. My two little boys were playing with each other. Without us. I looked at them, I looked at Jason watching them playing, and that heartwarming feeling came over me. Our kids are finally at the age where they can start to play together. I saw this a few weeks ago as well when I took both kids to an open play place, but it wasn’t until this morning when we were finally just hanging out as a family that I was able to see it in our own house. Just the 4 of us. Then I also realized that we haven’t sat together like this, as a family with nothing to do, in a long time as well. The weekends have also been busy, with karate and tball before it ended, and other things going on, and before all of that for the past almost year, I spent my weekends in bed. I missed out on a ton of family time. This morning and even right now, it’s absolutely perfect. Ryan is napping, Matthew is playing outside with Jason, and I’m sitting with my feet up. And maybe I’ll heat up some fun snacks for us in a bit.
We don’t celebrate Christmas, we don’t open presents up on Christmas morning, but I can assure you I have the exact same sentiments, gratitude, and all around happiness that I see in all of your beautiful family pictures this today. I feel so lucky, so grateful for everything I do have and for everyone that I have in my life, and so thankful for these precious moments where life can really slow down, even when you weren’t expecting it to or had other ideas that didn’t pan out.
A year ago today I was very frightful of what was to come. Here we are a year later and I’m sitting here today relaxing at home with my family, and I know it’s exactly where we are supposed to be. Thankful, grateful, happy, and extremely blessed. That’s what today is all about and I’m right here with all of you.
Merry Christmas to all of you out there who are celebrating today. Happy Hanukkah to the rest of my crew. And happy everything to everyone else. 💗
Thursday, December 12, 2019
December 12, 2019
A year ago today I had my first imaging done. The mammogram and the ultrasound that confirmed the unthinkable. Today, here I am a year later, disease free but still working hard to put myself back together.
No one talks about the aftermath, especially the aftermath of such aggressive treatments as I had this past year. Yesterday my oncologist described it not only as a new normal, but a completely new paradigm. And he’s right. Things might never be the way they once were and so now I have to learn how to manage the symptoms that still remain so that I can return to living normally in this new paradigm. It will take some work but I’ll get there.
I’m 28 weeks out from chemo, 23 weeks out from surgery which involved some complications for a few weeks after, and I’m only 9 weeks out from my last radiation session. 28 weeks out from chemo, but I had 16 rounds of it accumulating in my body. 23 weeks out from surgery but I still have limited range of motion, nerve issues, daily pain which I’m trying to manage, and I’m still not finished with procedures. 9 weeks out from radiation, after 28 consecutive sessions, that left me with horrible burns, extreme fatigue, as if I wasn’t fatigued already from everything else, and problems swallowing food, which that thankfully was resolved. I’m not in what’s considered “active treatment” anymore but I’m still being treated, as I get injections every 4 weeks and take medication which I’ll most likely be on for the next 10 years. Injections and medication that come with even more side effects, as if I didn’t have enough to contend with already.
This past week I went for X-rays to try to figure out my nerve issue, a bone density scan which revealed that I now have osteopenia, and an ultrasound of my liver, which was a bit of a scare but turned out to be nothing to be too alarmed about at this time. These scans this week were completed at the same radiology facility where I had my first scans a year ago and the same place where I had my biopsy done just 2 days later. Needless to say, it was a little hard this time around because believe it or not, PTSD does exist for cancer patients and I’m in the beginning stages of trying to determine if I have some form of it, which I’m absolutely certain that I do.
There’s a lot that comes after “active treatment” is over. I fought a battle within my own body. I had a sickness that I needed to overcome by having poison consume my entire body that literally broke my entire body down. Now I have to build it back up. For the 10 months that I was in active treatment, it will take at the very least, double the amount of time for my body to heal. Healing and recovering with kids to raise. With life that goes on.
I’ve been through a medical trauma and although im disease free, I’m still fighting on the inside. Fighting one day at a time because I’m always tired, something always hurts, and I’m still not quite whole yet. I will be... I have no doubt that I will be whole again. But it will take time. And I’m ok with that. With the help of my family, my medical team, and everyone who has been and still is supporting me, I’ll get there. Just know that I’m working on it. I miss my friends, I miss working, I miss a lot of things. But I need to feel whole again before I can move forward. I’m slowly putting me back together.
Sometimes I feel like I can sleep for days and then there are nights like tonight when I can’t fall asleep at all. So I figured I’d write a bit, give an update, and get some things out. It had been awhile anyways.
Thanks for reading. 💗
A year ago today I had my first imaging done. The mammogram and the ultrasound that confirmed the unthinkable. Today, here I am a year later, disease free but still working hard to put myself back together.
No one talks about the aftermath, especially the aftermath of such aggressive treatments as I had this past year. Yesterday my oncologist described it not only as a new normal, but a completely new paradigm. And he’s right. Things might never be the way they once were and so now I have to learn how to manage the symptoms that still remain so that I can return to living normally in this new paradigm. It will take some work but I’ll get there.
I’m 28 weeks out from chemo, 23 weeks out from surgery which involved some complications for a few weeks after, and I’m only 9 weeks out from my last radiation session. 28 weeks out from chemo, but I had 16 rounds of it accumulating in my body. 23 weeks out from surgery but I still have limited range of motion, nerve issues, daily pain which I’m trying to manage, and I’m still not finished with procedures. 9 weeks out from radiation, after 28 consecutive sessions, that left me with horrible burns, extreme fatigue, as if I wasn’t fatigued already from everything else, and problems swallowing food, which that thankfully was resolved. I’m not in what’s considered “active treatment” anymore but I’m still being treated, as I get injections every 4 weeks and take medication which I’ll most likely be on for the next 10 years. Injections and medication that come with even more side effects, as if I didn’t have enough to contend with already.
This past week I went for X-rays to try to figure out my nerve issue, a bone density scan which revealed that I now have osteopenia, and an ultrasound of my liver, which was a bit of a scare but turned out to be nothing to be too alarmed about at this time. These scans this week were completed at the same radiology facility where I had my first scans a year ago and the same place where I had my biopsy done just 2 days later. Needless to say, it was a little hard this time around because believe it or not, PTSD does exist for cancer patients and I’m in the beginning stages of trying to determine if I have some form of it, which I’m absolutely certain that I do.
There’s a lot that comes after “active treatment” is over. I fought a battle within my own body. I had a sickness that I needed to overcome by having poison consume my entire body that literally broke my entire body down. Now I have to build it back up. For the 10 months that I was in active treatment, it will take at the very least, double the amount of time for my body to heal. Healing and recovering with kids to raise. With life that goes on.
I’ve been through a medical trauma and although im disease free, I’m still fighting on the inside. Fighting one day at a time because I’m always tired, something always hurts, and I’m still not quite whole yet. I will be... I have no doubt that I will be whole again. But it will take time. And I’m ok with that. With the help of my family, my medical team, and everyone who has been and still is supporting me, I’ll get there. Just know that I’m working on it. I miss my friends, I miss working, I miss a lot of things. But I need to feel whole again before I can move forward. I’m slowly putting me back together.
Sometimes I feel like I can sleep for days and then there are nights like tonight when I can’t fall asleep at all. So I figured I’d write a bit, give an update, and get some things out. It had been awhile anyways.
Thanks for reading. 💗
Saturday, November 16, 2019
Saturday November 16, 2019
Tonight I’m feeling grateful. I’m always grateful these days, but tonight I wanted to share it. I’m grateful, empowered, excited, and hopeful because I’m moving mountains. Mountains that might not be worth climbing to anyone else, but they are my mountains and I’m reaching that peak.
For the past 11 months my life, my family’s lives, all of our lives have been turned upside down. And not only until recently, had things started turning for the better. I became done with radiation and was able to return to somewhat of a normal life again, whatever normal may be. Because my normal now is completely different from what my normal was a year ago.
A year ago, none of this was even an inkling of a thought. Then all of a sudden our lives changed. And although I’m done with all of what is considered “the hard stuff” I’m still being treated for having had breast cancer, to prevent it from recurring. Recurrence.... that’s the word of my life now. Living a life of now trying to prevent this awful disease from recurrence and metastasizing. So everything is different now.
It’s amazing how these times of hardships result in an entirely different perspective of everything and a completely different outlook on life. For those who have endured anything like what I have been through, we now see things in a completely different light. Not that I didn’t before, but now more so than ever, I choose to spend my time with those who I love the most. No guilt, no dwelling, no stress. I deserve to do anything I choose to do. I choose to make up for what I believe has been lost time. I don’t dwell on what has been, as I only look to the future and what could be. I live each day pretty much by hour to hour. Because I’m always tired, and I have new ailments or old ailments that haven’t dissipated, but I want to give all my days all that I can give. I want to catch up with people who I haven’t seen in ages and I want to spend time with anyone and everyone that I can. I want to spend all my time with my kids. And my husband, my family and my friends. If you want to see me, reach out. I’d LOVE to see you. Let’s grab dinner, drinks, coffee, or meet in a library. Or come to my house! I would love to have you over. I’d love to catch up with anyone.
Throughout these past few weeks I’ve had some opportunities of a lifetime. And although it might seem like I’m super fine and “a- ok” I’m still going through a new treatment that my body and my mind are trying to regulate with. It’s not easy. The side effects that come with what I’m doing now, are ones that I’ve come to have PTSD from, and yes that does exist for cancer survivors, because I did NOT want to face the dreaded bone pain that could come from the meds I’m on now. The meds to prevent recurrence that I’ll have to take for the next 8 to 10 years or so. Unless something else throughout that time becomes more effective.
So I know it may seem like I’m doing ok, and for the most part I am, but I’m still sorting through stuff. Dealing with things that most people my age haven’t faced or dealt with. I’m moving on, but trying to figure out how to do so with everything that I’ve gone through. I’m determined to make it back to the life I had before this all happened, but there’s obstacles I have to get past to get there. I’m learning to how to be “me” in a new light. I’m a new body. In a new look. Because I don’t look like the old me. And that itself is challenging. Because everything for me has changed. I’ve looked things straight in the face, that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. I’ve been through things in the past 11 months that I never even thought I’d ever have to face. And I made it. I made it through with my positivity, the will to survive, my kids, my husband, my family, and the help of my supporters. Somehow my husband held this family together. My parents and my in-laws stepped in at a moments notice. Everyone faced what their perception of evil is. But I am the only one who came face to face. I looked it in the eyes and said nope. Not me. Not my babies. Not my family. I clearly remember that evening, the night after I was called with my diagnosis, when I in fact screamed that in my car when I was by myself. At the top of my lungs.
I’ve faced evil and I’ve survived. Physically. And as each step of this journey came to be, I’ve face each one, little by little. Step by step. It’s a shame, and I’m not ashamed to admit, that I’m saddened that mental health is such a crisis in our country and that more isn’t done to help those in need. It’s a shame that therapy isn’t protocol for cancer patients, the same that chemo or radiation is. Chemo, radiation, surgery, medication, done. Cancer free? Off you go. That’s it. Your life has been turned upside down. You’ve looked evil in the face. And now you’re considered disease free,
So that’s it. Come back once a month. What about the mental state we are in during and after? Protocol should be chemo, surgery, radiation, in whatever order, physical therapy and counseling. The aftermath is lacking.
So I’m going to take this time in my life to better myself mentally and physically. You can’t be successful if you aren’t whole. And I’m not whole yet. I’m getting there. And I will get there, but I’m not quite there just yet. And I’m ok with that. Just remember that those who seem like they are ok from the outside, sometimes aren’t the same on the inside. I’ve been through a lot. And I may seem like I’m doing amazing and I appreciate your super kind words. And as I am doing amazing and I know I am, I still have more to do. This is a step by step journey and I’m accepting that. I will get there, but it will take some more time. I’ve come this far, so only up from here.
And as always, I appreciate your kind words and support!!! It truly means so much and is sometimes the motivation that I need. You have no idea how many times your messages and comments have been received at times that I needed them the most. So thank you!!!
💗💗💗
Tonight I’m feeling grateful. I’m always grateful these days, but tonight I wanted to share it. I’m grateful, empowered, excited, and hopeful because I’m moving mountains. Mountains that might not be worth climbing to anyone else, but they are my mountains and I’m reaching that peak.
For the past 11 months my life, my family’s lives, all of our lives have been turned upside down. And not only until recently, had things started turning for the better. I became done with radiation and was able to return to somewhat of a normal life again, whatever normal may be. Because my normal now is completely different from what my normal was a year ago.
A year ago, none of this was even an inkling of a thought. Then all of a sudden our lives changed. And although I’m done with all of what is considered “the hard stuff” I’m still being treated for having had breast cancer, to prevent it from recurring. Recurrence.... that’s the word of my life now. Living a life of now trying to prevent this awful disease from recurrence and metastasizing. So everything is different now.
It’s amazing how these times of hardships result in an entirely different perspective of everything and a completely different outlook on life. For those who have endured anything like what I have been through, we now see things in a completely different light. Not that I didn’t before, but now more so than ever, I choose to spend my time with those who I love the most. No guilt, no dwelling, no stress. I deserve to do anything I choose to do. I choose to make up for what I believe has been lost time. I don’t dwell on what has been, as I only look to the future and what could be. I live each day pretty much by hour to hour. Because I’m always tired, and I have new ailments or old ailments that haven’t dissipated, but I want to give all my days all that I can give. I want to catch up with people who I haven’t seen in ages and I want to spend time with anyone and everyone that I can. I want to spend all my time with my kids. And my husband, my family and my friends. If you want to see me, reach out. I’d LOVE to see you. Let’s grab dinner, drinks, coffee, or meet in a library. Or come to my house! I would love to have you over. I’d love to catch up with anyone.
Throughout these past few weeks I’ve had some opportunities of a lifetime. And although it might seem like I’m super fine and “a- ok” I’m still going through a new treatment that my body and my mind are trying to regulate with. It’s not easy. The side effects that come with what I’m doing now, are ones that I’ve come to have PTSD from, and yes that does exist for cancer survivors, because I did NOT want to face the dreaded bone pain that could come from the meds I’m on now. The meds to prevent recurrence that I’ll have to take for the next 8 to 10 years or so. Unless something else throughout that time becomes more effective.
So I know it may seem like I’m doing ok, and for the most part I am, but I’m still sorting through stuff. Dealing with things that most people my age haven’t faced or dealt with. I’m moving on, but trying to figure out how to do so with everything that I’ve gone through. I’m determined to make it back to the life I had before this all happened, but there’s obstacles I have to get past to get there. I’m learning to how to be “me” in a new light. I’m a new body. In a new look. Because I don’t look like the old me. And that itself is challenging. Because everything for me has changed. I’ve looked things straight in the face, that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. I’ve been through things in the past 11 months that I never even thought I’d ever have to face. And I made it. I made it through with my positivity, the will to survive, my kids, my husband, my family, and the help of my supporters. Somehow my husband held this family together. My parents and my in-laws stepped in at a moments notice. Everyone faced what their perception of evil is. But I am the only one who came face to face. I looked it in the eyes and said nope. Not me. Not my babies. Not my family. I clearly remember that evening, the night after I was called with my diagnosis, when I in fact screamed that in my car when I was by myself. At the top of my lungs.
I’ve faced evil and I’ve survived. Physically. And as each step of this journey came to be, I’ve face each one, little by little. Step by step. It’s a shame, and I’m not ashamed to admit, that I’m saddened that mental health is such a crisis in our country and that more isn’t done to help those in need. It’s a shame that therapy isn’t protocol for cancer patients, the same that chemo or radiation is. Chemo, radiation, surgery, medication, done. Cancer free? Off you go. That’s it. Your life has been turned upside down. You’ve looked evil in the face. And now you’re considered disease free,
So that’s it. Come back once a month. What about the mental state we are in during and after? Protocol should be chemo, surgery, radiation, in whatever order, physical therapy and counseling. The aftermath is lacking.
So I’m going to take this time in my life to better myself mentally and physically. You can’t be successful if you aren’t whole. And I’m not whole yet. I’m getting there. And I will get there, but I’m not quite there just yet. And I’m ok with that. Just remember that those who seem like they are ok from the outside, sometimes aren’t the same on the inside. I’ve been through a lot. And I may seem like I’m doing amazing and I appreciate your super kind words. And as I am doing amazing and I know I am, I still have more to do. This is a step by step journey and I’m accepting that. I will get there, but it will take some more time. I’ve come this far, so only up from here.
And as always, I appreciate your kind words and support!!! It truly means so much and is sometimes the motivation that I need. You have no idea how many times your messages and comments have been received at times that I needed them the most. So thank you!!!
💗💗💗
Sunday, November 10, 2019
Saturday November 9, 2019
When you face a horrific situation, one that you come out of somewhat in one piece, it changes you. Changes you in different ways. Some change for the worse because they can’t quite get a handle on what has happened and some change for the better because they realize that life is just too short to do anything else.
I’m one that always looks for the good in any given situation. You ask anyone who knows me best and they’ll tell you...
They say something that bothers them, I’ll try to look from the other perspective. Not that the person telling me about their situation is wrong, I just think I’m lucky to be able easily see something from someone else’s perspective. And To find that silver lining. Because I feel like everything happens for a reason.... even the not so good stuff.
You survive the not so good stuff and you end up seeing things in a different way. Maybe some people actually need to experience certain life changing events in order to think differently. Not to say that having cancer or any disease for that matter is warranted just to change someone’s thought process, but maybe being able to think differently and have a changed mind, or being able to find that silver lining in all the craziness helps to make things a little easier to take and can make others a bit more understanding and accepting. There’s a purpose for this all. When you are in the thick of it, it’s super hard, almost impossible to understand or even fathom why something of this nature is happening. But maybe you aren’t supposed to try to understand it. Maybe your supposed to just go with it and as hard is it may be to do so, to trust that wherever this is leading is what is supposed to happen. What is meant to be will be. And as hard as that might be to accept that, because some people’s journeys don’t turn out for the best, there always, always a bigger purpose for it. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, whether good or bad.
Now my cancer- bad. So so so bad on so many levels. But what I learned from my journey is something I’ll carry with me for the rest of my life. When you are given a situation where all you can do is hope for the best, that’s what you do. Unfortunately you also learn that everything is a gamble. Nothing is certain and nothing is promised. You can pray, if that’s what you do, you can talk to higher powers if that’s what you believe in, but ultimately it’s really just a gamble. And having faith in whatever it is you do to overcome your horrid situation, that everything will in fact work out for the best. You fight, you hope, you pray, and then at some point you just accept that this is happening and all you can do is exactly what you are doing and just keep on doing it.
Throughout the past almost year, I learned a lot about myself, about other people, and about life in general. I think I always knew this, but it wasn’t always in the forefront of my mind that in some way, everyone is struggling with something. Whether it be a life or death situation, whatever it may be, people are looking for validation, compassion, and support and I for one, being on the receiving end, will gladly give it back to those who need it.
Jealousy holds no place in this heart. Nor does competition, longing for attention, or dwelling. Instead I use my energy to inspire, to uplift, and support. If I can’t understand, I accept. I can empathize and sympathize. I can give love. Because that’s what’s needed in this world. More acceptance and less judging. More compassion and less disrespect. To anyone. Just because on the outside someone doesn’t look like they are going through something, it doesn’t make what they are going through any less of importance. Just because someone doesn’t look or act sick, doesn’t mean they are well. Have compassion for people. Don’t judge. And don’t take anything for granted.
These past 2 weeks for me have been nothing short of amazing. Somehow, some of the best moments and opportunities just came before me. And maybe a year ago I might not have followed through- too shy, not enough confidence to go in front of so many people, or do a photoshoot where I was kind of exposed at times, feeling guilty for doing really amazing things, or dwelling on moments that have passed that you think “omg I should’ve done this, or why did I say that?” That’s just it. Feeling guilty and dwelling. Who stays up at night whole lying in bed trying to sleep and can’t because you either feel guilty about something or you’re dwelling on something? Those two things are really tough to rid yourself of. But somehow, one day, you just do. Out of nowhere things start making sense and start falling into place and sometimes it’s just unexplainable. I’m at that point. I still have miles to go and my journey is far from over. In fact, it will never be over as I have to do everything and anything to prevent any type of recurrence. Because life is honestly a gamble with a whole lotta faith. You pray and hope and take meds, but ultimately what happens is beyond your control. You can do all you can to try to prevent, but that’s all you can really do. So I choose now to make the most of my life. Not that I haven’t before, but even more so now. I will do what I love to do, with who I love to spend time with. Be it my husband, my kids, my parents, my sister, the rest of my family, my dear friends, and anyone else. I will make the most of my life and spend my time doing the things I love to do and will spend time with the ones that mean the most. And I will not feel guilty at all. Not one bit. I won’t dwell. I’ll look for the positives and the silver linings and enjoy every moment that I can because life is just to short to do anything else.
I have so many big ideas. Stay tuned.... the best is yet to come.....
💗💪🏻😊
When you face a horrific situation, one that you come out of somewhat in one piece, it changes you. Changes you in different ways. Some change for the worse because they can’t quite get a handle on what has happened and some change for the better because they realize that life is just too short to do anything else.
I’m one that always looks for the good in any given situation. You ask anyone who knows me best and they’ll tell you...
They say something that bothers them, I’ll try to look from the other perspective. Not that the person telling me about their situation is wrong, I just think I’m lucky to be able easily see something from someone else’s perspective. And To find that silver lining. Because I feel like everything happens for a reason.... even the not so good stuff.
You survive the not so good stuff and you end up seeing things in a different way. Maybe some people actually need to experience certain life changing events in order to think differently. Not to say that having cancer or any disease for that matter is warranted just to change someone’s thought process, but maybe being able to think differently and have a changed mind, or being able to find that silver lining in all the craziness helps to make things a little easier to take and can make others a bit more understanding and accepting. There’s a purpose for this all. When you are in the thick of it, it’s super hard, almost impossible to understand or even fathom why something of this nature is happening. But maybe you aren’t supposed to try to understand it. Maybe your supposed to just go with it and as hard is it may be to do so, to trust that wherever this is leading is what is supposed to happen. What is meant to be will be. And as hard as that might be to accept that, because some people’s journeys don’t turn out for the best, there always, always a bigger purpose for it. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, whether good or bad.
Now my cancer- bad. So so so bad on so many levels. But what I learned from my journey is something I’ll carry with me for the rest of my life. When you are given a situation where all you can do is hope for the best, that’s what you do. Unfortunately you also learn that everything is a gamble. Nothing is certain and nothing is promised. You can pray, if that’s what you do, you can talk to higher powers if that’s what you believe in, but ultimately it’s really just a gamble. And having faith in whatever it is you do to overcome your horrid situation, that everything will in fact work out for the best. You fight, you hope, you pray, and then at some point you just accept that this is happening and all you can do is exactly what you are doing and just keep on doing it.
Throughout the past almost year, I learned a lot about myself, about other people, and about life in general. I think I always knew this, but it wasn’t always in the forefront of my mind that in some way, everyone is struggling with something. Whether it be a life or death situation, whatever it may be, people are looking for validation, compassion, and support and I for one, being on the receiving end, will gladly give it back to those who need it.
Jealousy holds no place in this heart. Nor does competition, longing for attention, or dwelling. Instead I use my energy to inspire, to uplift, and support. If I can’t understand, I accept. I can empathize and sympathize. I can give love. Because that’s what’s needed in this world. More acceptance and less judging. More compassion and less disrespect. To anyone. Just because on the outside someone doesn’t look like they are going through something, it doesn’t make what they are going through any less of importance. Just because someone doesn’t look or act sick, doesn’t mean they are well. Have compassion for people. Don’t judge. And don’t take anything for granted.
These past 2 weeks for me have been nothing short of amazing. Somehow, some of the best moments and opportunities just came before me. And maybe a year ago I might not have followed through- too shy, not enough confidence to go in front of so many people, or do a photoshoot where I was kind of exposed at times, feeling guilty for doing really amazing things, or dwelling on moments that have passed that you think “omg I should’ve done this, or why did I say that?” That’s just it. Feeling guilty and dwelling. Who stays up at night whole lying in bed trying to sleep and can’t because you either feel guilty about something or you’re dwelling on something? Those two things are really tough to rid yourself of. But somehow, one day, you just do. Out of nowhere things start making sense and start falling into place and sometimes it’s just unexplainable. I’m at that point. I still have miles to go and my journey is far from over. In fact, it will never be over as I have to do everything and anything to prevent any type of recurrence. Because life is honestly a gamble with a whole lotta faith. You pray and hope and take meds, but ultimately what happens is beyond your control. You can do all you can to try to prevent, but that’s all you can really do. So I choose now to make the most of my life. Not that I haven’t before, but even more so now. I will do what I love to do, with who I love to spend time with. Be it my husband, my kids, my parents, my sister, the rest of my family, my dear friends, and anyone else. I will make the most of my life and spend my time doing the things I love to do and will spend time with the ones that mean the most. And I will not feel guilty at all. Not one bit. I won’t dwell. I’ll look for the positives and the silver linings and enjoy every moment that I can because life is just to short to do anything else.
I have so many big ideas. Stay tuned.... the best is yet to come.....
💗💪🏻😊
Sunday, November 3, 2019
2019.... it isn’t over yet, but we are getting closer. A year that seems so surreal because I’ve been through so much that now I can’t really believe that I did it all. A year ago today, none of this was even an inkling of a thought. And then just a few weeks later.... boom. Life was turned upside down. These past almost 11 months have been nothing short of crazy. Actually the past few years have been nothing short of crazy. 2014- our first son was born. 2 miscarriages, a ton of failed attempts at another pregnancy, and one concussion later on my part, finally April of 2018 our 2nd son was born. He was colic until about 4 months old, so that was challenging. And then we finally took a step on the right direction and the colic was gone and all was good. All was great. For the next 3 months, that is. December of that same year, just 7 months after our rainbow baby was born, I found a lump. Then came a week of exams, scans, biopsies, and then just 2 weeks later... bam... stage 3 invasive ductal carcinoma... I had breast cancer. A mom, with 2 young kids- one of which was just 7 months old. Out of work because I needed to start chemo ASAP and for me, teaching on the chemo referred to as the red devil wasn’t going to work. I went from maternity leave to disability. I went from not pregnant, to miscarriages, to not pregnant, to pregnant, to having a baby and being post partum, to cancer. Needless to say my body was already a mess. So then came 16 rounds of chemo, followed by a double mastectomy with reconstruction (tissue expanders), my prophylactic side (right side) got an infection, so right expander was removed, right side skin folded and tucked to try to preserve what would be needed for more reconstruction, left expander still in so I’m unsymmetrical (which I’m totally fine with) antibiotics for days, drains for weeks, learning that there was lymph node involvement, 28 rounds of proton radiation therapy for which I traveled what should have been for 40 min each way, but took me an hour each way most days, every week day for 28 days, to starting Lupron injections, to today, where I’m waiting for the green light to start my hormone blockers- medication with more side effects, which I will be on for about 10 years. I have an oncologist, a plastic surgeon, a breast surgeon, an infectious disease doctor, a dermatologist, and a psychiatrist, because let’s face it, anxiety is a given and meds are absolutely necessary. And I’m only 38. Actually I was 37 when I was diagnosed- a week before my 38th birthday. So I did all of that. And am still doing it. But again I’m a mom of 2 and they are 2 young kids that needed their mommy present and still need their mommy present. And throughout these 11 months there were events they took place... life just doesn’t stop. There was my birthday, child milestones, a first birthday, a 5th birthday, my husband’s birthday, other family members birthdays, a preschool graduation, tball, karate, holidays, dinners, family gatherings..... so many things I didn’t want to miss out on. But I had chemo treatments I needed to recover from and surgeries where I couldn’t move or lift my baby up for close to 6 weeks, and radiation that left me with burns that it hurt to move or hurt to have anything touching that area. And I needed to rest and sleep because those days after chemo were rough. Every single side effect that was possible, it happened. The bone pain and fatigue were the worst. The fatigue, at least I could sleep it off. The bone pain was absolutely unbearable at times. Most times. So with the support of my husband and my parents and my in-laws and other family members and friends, I was still able to parent my kids and be as available as I could be. My older son was in daycare everyday so he was taken care of. But I wasn’t working so I wasn’t receiving a full paycheck so daycare for the baby wasn’t possible. I needed help. And the fact that we tried for so long for another baby and finally we had him and now I couldn’t take care him myself.... devastating. I needed something to get me through. And my kids... they were it. I found that parenting and being present for them as best as I could was how I could do it. I got up every day for them. Even at my worst, I still got up every morning to see them off or wait for someone to come in and help me with our baby because my husband had to go to work. I wanted to be involved in my kids lives. I didn’t want to turn their lives upside down too. I didn’t want this to affect them negatively, but instead later on down the line when they are older I can look back with them and they can know how strong their mother really is. And they can learn from me how to be strong and positive when times get tough. But then, how do you successfully parent young kids while battling cancer? That was the question. How do you do it? For one, I had to do a lot of research. Then I realized I just had to dig down deep inside me when I thought I couldn’t do things, rest when I needed to and push myself a little when I was able to. I needed to make modifications to suit my needs and to be ok with camping out on the floor with the baby and playing when that was all I could do. I needed to remain positive and see the good in things, not dwell on anything, be grateful for what I did have, ask for help when I needed it, and be in communication with my husband and everyone that helped us. And when I couldn’t be present because I needed to rest or go for chemo treatments or radiation treatments, when I was in the hospital recovering or whatever it was that I needed to do any couldn’t be there, I needed to be kept in the know. I needed to be part of things whether it was a picture of my son at karate or a text message to tell me that Ryan napped well, I just needed that. I needed to be kept in the loop. While researching ways to help parent these kids of mine in the situation we were in, I realized that there’s not a lot of support out there for just moms with young kids. There’s tons of support for breast cancer patients as a whole, there’s support for older women, there’s support for very young women in their 20’s or under 30 primarily with no children, and there’s support for young women under 40, but nothing solely for moms with young kids. Throughout my journey I went to several support groups and I love all of them and single person that I’ve come across has been so supportive of me and are of each other and I love all of the connections I’ve made, but my needs differ from theirs. I needed to connect with other young moms with young kids. I needed to bounce ideas off of them and listen to how they handled situations and how they coped with what I was going through while having kids. But there was nothing of the sort. So I’m hoping to change that. I want to help other moms with young kids find the support and the connections they may need. The first step in doing that is to share my story. I am an open book. I’m not ashamed or embarrassed that I had breast cancer and I won’t push it under a rug because it’s a part of who I am now. I learned a lot throughout these past 11 months. I’ve learned a lot about myself, about others and just about life in general. I have a new found appreciation for things I never even gave a thought to prior to this and new perspectives on many things. My favorite thing to say to anyone about my journey is that I’m in no way thankful for having cancer, but I am grateful for what my cancer journey has taught me. Don’t get me wrong.... I do have my bad days and off moments and I’m not all happy go lucky every second of every day. I get tired very easily and I have things that hurt me all of the time. But I found most helpful tool to feeling better was and still is to listen to my body and finding ways to feel grateful every single day. Fatigue is a good thing. It means your body needs to rest in order to heal from the torture it’s being put through. If I rest for a bit, I recharge and then a little while later I can do some more. And if I can get through my worst chemo days and still be present for my kids, I can get through anything. These days I’m creating a daily structure for myself in order to get stronger, so that I can return to my normal activities and will be able to work again eventually. Right now I know how much I can do at a time and when I need to rest. And hopefully the amount of time that I’m able to be on my feet or be active will increase and my needing to rest will decrease. I’d love to help others get to the same mindset that I have been in. I have created an instagram account solely for documenting and sharing about my journey parenting with cancer. If you are interested in following me, find me. @momssurvivingcancer
As always, I thank everyone for reading and for their continued love and support. I’m getting stronger everyday not only because of my own doing, but also because of all of the positive encouragement I’ve received from others out there. I can’t even begin to explain how your messages lift me up especially at times where I need it the most and continue to fill my heart. 💕
#teamMichele💗💪🏻👊🏻
Wednesday, October 16, 2019
Saturday October 12, 2019
5:20pm
I finally have a bit to myself. It’s quiet, almost dinner time. I’m sitting out front, actually enjoying the fall temps right now. The leaves are starting to turn, there are fallen leaves all over the ground, I’m in comfy sweatpants and it’s Saturday evening. In the distance there are sounds of kids outside. My kids were outside with us all day. Now they are relaxing before we eat, and I’m getting some downtime too. Which is good because I can only do a little at a time before I need some downtime again. So I’m resting up so I can be ok for the remainder of the night with the kids.
Thursday, October 10, 2019 was my last day of radiation. I completed 28 sessions. I traveled about an hour each way, every weekday for 28 days. The center I had to go to is a high volume center. It’s unfortunate, but this radiation center is a revolving door from the time they open at 7am until their last treatment at 10:30pm. Their morning appointments are reserved for mostly all the children and babies that need radiation because they need anesthesia. Children are mostly treated here because the type of radiation used here is Proton radiation, different from the photon radiation that most people needing radiation usually get. Proton radiation is less harmful to the surrounding organs because the radiation is given in beams, to specific areas, rather than encompassing an entire region of organs. So babies and children who need radiation are given this type. Why did I receive this kind? Because my tumors and other “evidence of disease” areas were so spread out, because I had lymph node involvement, because of my age, and other factors, it was determined that this was in fact the best course of action. Photon and proton- one is not proven to be better than the other. Data shows one is not more effective than the other, but proton is just less harmful to other organs, and since this radiation would be near my heart, I took all recommendations and went with it. I trust my medical team.
There are only 13 of these Proton radiation centers in the whole US. I was lucky enough that there is one in NJ and not too terribly far from my house. I met others who flew in from other states, adults and parents with their young children, who had to live in a hotel for the duration of treatment. Although the drive back and forth each and every day for 28 days was not easy for me, I at least got to go home, to my own house. To my kids and my husband. And I stayed in state.
Afternoon appointments were hard to come by, and as mentioned before, the mornings are set aside for the babies and children, so I got the evenings. Which wasn’t so bad, but getting back to that drive I had, anyone who knows route 18 from where I’d get on from route 9, I’d have to take 18 all the way down to Easton Ave and travel Easton ave all the way up, almost to the 287 entrance. A drive that should’ve taken me 40 min, ended up taking me sometimes over an hour each way because route 18 anytime of the day is a nightmare. And to make matters more enjoyable (super sarcastic) that’s when construction started on 18 to pave it all the way down about 10 miles worth, then line the roads, 2 lanes - both sides of the roads, so traffic was pushed into one lane both ways. I know, I know, some of you travel to work or into the city and have to deal with craziness everyday, but this just added to the roughness of it all. I wasn’t going to work or doing anything remotely enjoyable. I was going to my radiation treatments. And by the time I did this drive, I was tired already. I’d drive an hour one way, be at the center for 20 min to a half hour, if they were running on time. If not, sometimes if he waiting for an hour. That didn’t happen often, but there were a few times. The other downside of the evening/nighttime appointments was that I hardly got to see Matthew because he’d come off the bus and I’d have to run out and most nights I missed bedtime for both kids. And again, I know some parents work nights and miss those times, but Matthew knew it was so mommy could get some more medicine to help make her better. And I knew it was for radiation. So it was just different.
Everyone at the ProCure Proton Radiation Center was beyond helpful and supportive. From the moment I stepped through those doors I was treated wonderfully. I can’t say enough good things about this place. They made an unfortunate situation into a positive experience. Every evening I’d get there and majority of everyone there that was waiting for a treatment was much older than me, and heads would turn as I walked in with my swipe card and blue ProCure bag they give to everyone, because I was the one there for treatment not to wait for someone else, but I walked in everyday with my head held high and smiled at those around me, nodded at those who gave me a polite nod, chatted with the people at the concierge desk, and clapped for those who walked out and rang that bell just as I did on my last day.
My last day was wonderful. This place- they play the Rocky Theme song as the patient walks out and rings that bell and everyone gets on their feet and claps. When I knew my last date, we made sure to show Matthew exactly when it was and we kept hyping it up. We took him out of school early, and me, Jason and both boys went up to the center, along with my parents who met us there. I finished my last session and when they were ready, they opened the doors to the waiting room and there were Jason, my kids, and my parents with balloons and flowers for me, standing along with my nurses, radiation techs, and other staff members I’d grown to know over these past 5 weeks. Other people in the waiting area were standing and clapping too. I rang that bell. For me, that bell not only signifies the end of my radiation, it also signifies the end of 10 long, grueling months of treatments. And although my journey isn’t over, because believe it or not, there is still more to be done, I made it through the worst of it. Now is the recovery, healing, and prevention portion.
Side effects from radiation are not like chemo at all, but radiation is no walk in the park either. At first, it’s not bad at all, because symptoms usually do not present itself until about 2 weeks in. That’s when the fatigue hit. Again, not like chemo, but I quickly figured out that I could only do things little bits at a time. In order to get through my day, I was on for an hour, and off for 2 hours, on for an hour, nap when Ryan naps. On again for an hour with tv on or backyard because thankfully Ryan is a bit more independent and can run and play and I can sit. Then Matthew would get off the bus and then someone would come in to help or Jason would come home and off I’d go for treatment. But I needed a lot more downtime to conserve my energy. Getting out of bed in the morning was hard and is still not easy. Takes me about a half hour to wake up and actually get up. That’s not like me. Now I can’t fall asleep at night because I have burns in several areas that will get worse before they get better. At this point, they are getting worse, which is right on target. Burns on my skin and burning sensations deep inside my arms and other areas that they hit. I’m managing, but it gets tough at times. Especially lying down at night.
Then there’s the esophagitis. The lining of my throat is always irritated because lymph nodes run up that high and the left side of my neck was a radiated area. I have a terrible burn spot there too. My throat feels like I have a lump in it all of the time and feels like I have that scratchy strep throat feeling. I’ve had this feeling for about 3 weeks, and makes eating tough. I don’t have strep- I was cultured 3 times. I have medicine that can numb my throat, but then what’s the point because you can’t even taste the food. I’d rather stick to yogurt, smoothies, protein shakes, and maybe the occasional ice cream or pudding.
So even though my treatments are done, it doesn’t feel real to me because my body just feels beat up. There’s no other way I can describe it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m beyond ecstatic that I’m done, but I guess I’m not as overjoyed as I expected or maybe as some people might expect me to be because to me, it’s not over yet. I still have to go for injections, which I start Thursday, and will have to take medication for many years going forward. And just like everything else, it all comes with side effects. Side effects that I have to brace myself for, just in case. But once the current side effects stop and I start the upward climb, that’s when it will hit me. Then maybe it will sink in, that the hard part is done and I’m out and have gotten to the other side of this. But I’m not sure. Not sure of how i will feel or when I will feel it.
Then there’s still the coming to terms part and the aftermath, and the scans that will follow and getting reunited with everything from my life that I once had a year ago that I no longer have anything to do with now because my sole purpose for the past 10 months was to just fight for my life and be what I could for my family, for my kids. But for now, now I’m ready to rest. To enjoy life a little without being in pain. I’ll get there, but it’s still going to take some time. And I’ll still remain positive, as I have been throughout everything so far, but I’m tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally, I’m drained.
So I do what I can with my kids, with Jason, with the rest of my family because that’s what gets me through. That’s what’s gotten me through. I might not be able to do much at a time, but I show up as best as I can.
And now, this fight of my life will now be the fight for the rest of my life because there’s no way reccurance can happen. I’ve learned a lot over these several months and I’m thankful for what I’ve been taught, but now I’m ready to use what I’ve learned to educate others and to help others because what happened to me can happen to anyone, at any age.
Keep continuing to send those well wishes and healing thoughts my way!! And come celebrate with me on November 9th!! Need info on it? Contact me!! Can’t wait!!
Thanks for all of your love and support!!
💗💪🏻🙏
5:20pm
I finally have a bit to myself. It’s quiet, almost dinner time. I’m sitting out front, actually enjoying the fall temps right now. The leaves are starting to turn, there are fallen leaves all over the ground, I’m in comfy sweatpants and it’s Saturday evening. In the distance there are sounds of kids outside. My kids were outside with us all day. Now they are relaxing before we eat, and I’m getting some downtime too. Which is good because I can only do a little at a time before I need some downtime again. So I’m resting up so I can be ok for the remainder of the night with the kids.
Thursday, October 10, 2019 was my last day of radiation. I completed 28 sessions. I traveled about an hour each way, every weekday for 28 days. The center I had to go to is a high volume center. It’s unfortunate, but this radiation center is a revolving door from the time they open at 7am until their last treatment at 10:30pm. Their morning appointments are reserved for mostly all the children and babies that need radiation because they need anesthesia. Children are mostly treated here because the type of radiation used here is Proton radiation, different from the photon radiation that most people needing radiation usually get. Proton radiation is less harmful to the surrounding organs because the radiation is given in beams, to specific areas, rather than encompassing an entire region of organs. So babies and children who need radiation are given this type. Why did I receive this kind? Because my tumors and other “evidence of disease” areas were so spread out, because I had lymph node involvement, because of my age, and other factors, it was determined that this was in fact the best course of action. Photon and proton- one is not proven to be better than the other. Data shows one is not more effective than the other, but proton is just less harmful to other organs, and since this radiation would be near my heart, I took all recommendations and went with it. I trust my medical team.
There are only 13 of these Proton radiation centers in the whole US. I was lucky enough that there is one in NJ and not too terribly far from my house. I met others who flew in from other states, adults and parents with their young children, who had to live in a hotel for the duration of treatment. Although the drive back and forth each and every day for 28 days was not easy for me, I at least got to go home, to my own house. To my kids and my husband. And I stayed in state.
Afternoon appointments were hard to come by, and as mentioned before, the mornings are set aside for the babies and children, so I got the evenings. Which wasn’t so bad, but getting back to that drive I had, anyone who knows route 18 from where I’d get on from route 9, I’d have to take 18 all the way down to Easton Ave and travel Easton ave all the way up, almost to the 287 entrance. A drive that should’ve taken me 40 min, ended up taking me sometimes over an hour each way because route 18 anytime of the day is a nightmare. And to make matters more enjoyable (super sarcastic) that’s when construction started on 18 to pave it all the way down about 10 miles worth, then line the roads, 2 lanes - both sides of the roads, so traffic was pushed into one lane both ways. I know, I know, some of you travel to work or into the city and have to deal with craziness everyday, but this just added to the roughness of it all. I wasn’t going to work or doing anything remotely enjoyable. I was going to my radiation treatments. And by the time I did this drive, I was tired already. I’d drive an hour one way, be at the center for 20 min to a half hour, if they were running on time. If not, sometimes if he waiting for an hour. That didn’t happen often, but there were a few times. The other downside of the evening/nighttime appointments was that I hardly got to see Matthew because he’d come off the bus and I’d have to run out and most nights I missed bedtime for both kids. And again, I know some parents work nights and miss those times, but Matthew knew it was so mommy could get some more medicine to help make her better. And I knew it was for radiation. So it was just different.
Everyone at the ProCure Proton Radiation Center was beyond helpful and supportive. From the moment I stepped through those doors I was treated wonderfully. I can’t say enough good things about this place. They made an unfortunate situation into a positive experience. Every evening I’d get there and majority of everyone there that was waiting for a treatment was much older than me, and heads would turn as I walked in with my swipe card and blue ProCure bag they give to everyone, because I was the one there for treatment not to wait for someone else, but I walked in everyday with my head held high and smiled at those around me, nodded at those who gave me a polite nod, chatted with the people at the concierge desk, and clapped for those who walked out and rang that bell just as I did on my last day.
My last day was wonderful. This place- they play the Rocky Theme song as the patient walks out and rings that bell and everyone gets on their feet and claps. When I knew my last date, we made sure to show Matthew exactly when it was and we kept hyping it up. We took him out of school early, and me, Jason and both boys went up to the center, along with my parents who met us there. I finished my last session and when they were ready, they opened the doors to the waiting room and there were Jason, my kids, and my parents with balloons and flowers for me, standing along with my nurses, radiation techs, and other staff members I’d grown to know over these past 5 weeks. Other people in the waiting area were standing and clapping too. I rang that bell. For me, that bell not only signifies the end of my radiation, it also signifies the end of 10 long, grueling months of treatments. And although my journey isn’t over, because believe it or not, there is still more to be done, I made it through the worst of it. Now is the recovery, healing, and prevention portion.
Side effects from radiation are not like chemo at all, but radiation is no walk in the park either. At first, it’s not bad at all, because symptoms usually do not present itself until about 2 weeks in. That’s when the fatigue hit. Again, not like chemo, but I quickly figured out that I could only do things little bits at a time. In order to get through my day, I was on for an hour, and off for 2 hours, on for an hour, nap when Ryan naps. On again for an hour with tv on or backyard because thankfully Ryan is a bit more independent and can run and play and I can sit. Then Matthew would get off the bus and then someone would come in to help or Jason would come home and off I’d go for treatment. But I needed a lot more downtime to conserve my energy. Getting out of bed in the morning was hard and is still not easy. Takes me about a half hour to wake up and actually get up. That’s not like me. Now I can’t fall asleep at night because I have burns in several areas that will get worse before they get better. At this point, they are getting worse, which is right on target. Burns on my skin and burning sensations deep inside my arms and other areas that they hit. I’m managing, but it gets tough at times. Especially lying down at night.
Then there’s the esophagitis. The lining of my throat is always irritated because lymph nodes run up that high and the left side of my neck was a radiated area. I have a terrible burn spot there too. My throat feels like I have a lump in it all of the time and feels like I have that scratchy strep throat feeling. I’ve had this feeling for about 3 weeks, and makes eating tough. I don’t have strep- I was cultured 3 times. I have medicine that can numb my throat, but then what’s the point because you can’t even taste the food. I’d rather stick to yogurt, smoothies, protein shakes, and maybe the occasional ice cream or pudding.
So even though my treatments are done, it doesn’t feel real to me because my body just feels beat up. There’s no other way I can describe it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m beyond ecstatic that I’m done, but I guess I’m not as overjoyed as I expected or maybe as some people might expect me to be because to me, it’s not over yet. I still have to go for injections, which I start Thursday, and will have to take medication for many years going forward. And just like everything else, it all comes with side effects. Side effects that I have to brace myself for, just in case. But once the current side effects stop and I start the upward climb, that’s when it will hit me. Then maybe it will sink in, that the hard part is done and I’m out and have gotten to the other side of this. But I’m not sure. Not sure of how i will feel or when I will feel it.
Then there’s still the coming to terms part and the aftermath, and the scans that will follow and getting reunited with everything from my life that I once had a year ago that I no longer have anything to do with now because my sole purpose for the past 10 months was to just fight for my life and be what I could for my family, for my kids. But for now, now I’m ready to rest. To enjoy life a little without being in pain. I’ll get there, but it’s still going to take some time. And I’ll still remain positive, as I have been throughout everything so far, but I’m tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally, I’m drained.
So I do what I can with my kids, with Jason, with the rest of my family because that’s what gets me through. That’s what’s gotten me through. I might not be able to do much at a time, but I show up as best as I can.
And now, this fight of my life will now be the fight for the rest of my life because there’s no way reccurance can happen. I’ve learned a lot over these several months and I’m thankful for what I’ve been taught, but now I’m ready to use what I’ve learned to educate others and to help others because what happened to me can happen to anyone, at any age.
Keep continuing to send those well wishes and healing thoughts my way!! And come celebrate with me on November 9th!! Need info on it? Contact me!! Can’t wait!!
Thanks for all of your love and support!!
💗💪🏻🙏
Saturday, September 14, 2019
September 14th 2019
Everything happens for a reason....
How many of you hear that often?? I do. I’ve heard it countless times. But when something bad happens, who wants to actually believe that? That this bad was meant to be. Unless, you are so fortunate to be able to find the good in that bad. Well, somehow, most times, I have been fortunate enough to be able to find the good in the bad. It’s just something I’ve always been able to do. And with some time to myself tonight that I really needed, I was able to think and reflect, and I can honestly say that along this path that I’ve been on for these past several months, I’ve found some good along the way and now I think I’ve found some more good that can come out of my bad. And I need your help and I’ll explain why...
I’ll start off by saying that I always knew I was meant to help people in some way. I’ve always had the ability to read people really well, to listen without judgement,
and to take other sides of a situation into account. At a young age I knew I wanted to work in a profession that could help people in some way. I didn’t know what that was but I tested the waters in many different areas. And, not to toot my own horn, but I felt pretty confident in all areas I tried. So deciding which path to choose became so much harder.
To me there’s always been an interest as to how the mind works. The mind, personality and behavior have always all been quite intriguing to me. So upon entering college I decided to pursue an education in psychology. I actually have a bachelors degree in psychology and although I came to a realization that a career in child psychology was of interest to me, I never actually got to continue in that avenue. Other life stuff got in the way. So I ended up on a different path.
I was just 20 years old when I started working in the early childhood field. I took care of babies as young as 6 months old to teaching children just about 5 years of age, right before they were ready for kindergarten. I followed this path for several years. It was over the course of these few years that I knew I was meant to work with children in some aspect. It just came so easy to me. I felt, just like I could do with anyone, that I could read children easily and I could come to understand them so well in such a short amount of time. At such a young age, as just an assistant teacher, I was able to help teach these children and was able to gain their respect, all at the same time. I could be fun, but when it was time to learn, it was time and they knew it. It was just a knack I had. And I still do to this day.
From then on I continued to work with children in different areas, ultimately becoming employed as a classroom teacher in a public school district. I love to help children, to help them to see their potential and to reach their goals. For all intents and purposes, I am like their 2nd parent for the day and will treat any child as if they were my own, every single day.
Through my love of children, I found that during my later years, I knew I was always meant to be a mother. Having a knack with children who weren’t my own, only made me want to have children of my own so much more. And now that I do, I can say being able to parent and raise my own kids thus far, the way I always knew I wanted to, has been the ultimate reward. My kids are my world. And even though we had our first child easily, there was a time when we didn’t know if we would be able to have a 2nd. And even though we had a first child, not being able to have our family completed with a second child was absolutely devastating, as it should be if that’s what is desired. Finally 3 years later, our 2nd baby was born and everything I had prayed for was here. I learned to be thankful with our first baby and I thought I knew what gratitude was back then, but it was at that moment of our 2nd baby being born, that I really, thought I knew what being grateful was. Until 7 months after he was born and I was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer. Then, again, my whole perspective changed.
I’m giving all of this information and back story so that I can shed some light as to where I’m coming from today. It all goes hand in hand. Everything happens for a reason, right? So now, it’s December 2018 and I’ve got everything I’ve ever wanted, everything I’ve ever asked for and then, I’m diagnosed with breast cancer. Are you (sorry) f*%\ing kidding me? Talk about a curve ball.
Throughout my journey so far, I haven’t dwelled so much. I’ve been able to overcome my struggles, I’ve fought and I’ve helped. I know I have the support from my own family and friends, but sought out support from groups and people who have been where I stand and within the support groups I now go to once a month, I’ve found those people. We call ourselves the friends we’ve never wanted to have. Because we found each other, young and old, because of breast cancer. I go to three different groups and they all are important to me, just as an AA group would be super important for an alcoholic, because these are people who can relate to everything I’m feeling and am going through. I’ve been so proactive in taking control of what I can take control of and I’ve even been asked to help newly diagnosed younger women, as if I am an experienced alumni to these groups. But, I’m not. I’m still in active treatment. I’ve done my research though, have been my own advocate when needed, listened to doctors, gotten multiple professional opinions, I ask questions when I don’t understand something, and am not afraid to sound stupid or naive, AND, yes the biggest achievement throughout this entire process so far, with much help, I’ve been able to parent and navigate this with 2 very young children.
With that being said, when I was first diagnosed, the thought of going through any of this was absolutely beyond terrifying but that was magnetized even more so because my children were babies, our youngest being just 7 months old. Working with young children for so many years and my background in child psychology gave me the ability to be able to help coach my husband through telling our 4 year old, just what he needed to know, but this was all new territory, for the both of us. It was then that I knew I needed to be proactive in finding ways to navigate this with young children. I googled, I found websites and online groups, but to me, nothing is better than coming face to face and having an actual discussion or reading a book by someone who’s encountered similar situations, but every book I came across just stated the ways to look for the positives or to be grateful or how to be happy. I didn’t need that. The people I came across in my groups that I love are absolutely amazing, but most of them are older. They didn’t go through this with young children or were unfortunately younger than me and didn’t even have any children yet. I couldn’t find anyone who was like me. And then I found younger mothers just like me, but just like me they were trying, and are still trying to navigate. There’s really nothing out there solely for young mothers with kids or mothers with kids or young kids. And as cancer doesn’t discriminate, nor does it differentiate, I’m finding that the support that I need, or needed a few months ago definitely differs from others who are older or who don’t have children.
So everything happens for a reason, I’ll say again because I had the ability to reach out to those few younger moms diagnosed with cancer, like me that I now know, and we are all in agreement that the support that I’m describing is something that they could’ve used or could still use and I’ve decided that I’m going to try to help and do something about that. I want to help guide those other newly diagnosed young moms. And as I haven’t thought everything out yet, and this is a relatively new idea, I’m close to putting into action. So this is where you all come in. Unfortunately breast cancer in younger women is becoming very, very common and there are so many being diagnosed now with young kids and most of us unfortunately know one or two or maybe more. If you know of anyone, any young mother either newly diagnosed, diagnosed and going through treatment, or a survivor with young kids and might need support or would want to offer support to others and wouldn’t mind sharing their stories, please put them in contact with me if they wouldn’t mind!! Email me, fb message me, text me, call me!! If you need contact info, let me know!
Everything happens for a reason and I’m DETERMINED more than ever to find all the good in this madness.
Thanks for reading and for your continuous love and support!!!!
💗💪🏻🙏
Everything happens for a reason....
How many of you hear that often?? I do. I’ve heard it countless times. But when something bad happens, who wants to actually believe that? That this bad was meant to be. Unless, you are so fortunate to be able to find the good in that bad. Well, somehow, most times, I have been fortunate enough to be able to find the good in the bad. It’s just something I’ve always been able to do. And with some time to myself tonight that I really needed, I was able to think and reflect, and I can honestly say that along this path that I’ve been on for these past several months, I’ve found some good along the way and now I think I’ve found some more good that can come out of my bad. And I need your help and I’ll explain why...
I’ll start off by saying that I always knew I was meant to help people in some way. I’ve always had the ability to read people really well, to listen without judgement,
and to take other sides of a situation into account. At a young age I knew I wanted to work in a profession that could help people in some way. I didn’t know what that was but I tested the waters in many different areas. And, not to toot my own horn, but I felt pretty confident in all areas I tried. So deciding which path to choose became so much harder.
To me there’s always been an interest as to how the mind works. The mind, personality and behavior have always all been quite intriguing to me. So upon entering college I decided to pursue an education in psychology. I actually have a bachelors degree in psychology and although I came to a realization that a career in child psychology was of interest to me, I never actually got to continue in that avenue. Other life stuff got in the way. So I ended up on a different path.
I was just 20 years old when I started working in the early childhood field. I took care of babies as young as 6 months old to teaching children just about 5 years of age, right before they were ready for kindergarten. I followed this path for several years. It was over the course of these few years that I knew I was meant to work with children in some aspect. It just came so easy to me. I felt, just like I could do with anyone, that I could read children easily and I could come to understand them so well in such a short amount of time. At such a young age, as just an assistant teacher, I was able to help teach these children and was able to gain their respect, all at the same time. I could be fun, but when it was time to learn, it was time and they knew it. It was just a knack I had. And I still do to this day.
From then on I continued to work with children in different areas, ultimately becoming employed as a classroom teacher in a public school district. I love to help children, to help them to see their potential and to reach their goals. For all intents and purposes, I am like their 2nd parent for the day and will treat any child as if they were my own, every single day.
Through my love of children, I found that during my later years, I knew I was always meant to be a mother. Having a knack with children who weren’t my own, only made me want to have children of my own so much more. And now that I do, I can say being able to parent and raise my own kids thus far, the way I always knew I wanted to, has been the ultimate reward. My kids are my world. And even though we had our first child easily, there was a time when we didn’t know if we would be able to have a 2nd. And even though we had a first child, not being able to have our family completed with a second child was absolutely devastating, as it should be if that’s what is desired. Finally 3 years later, our 2nd baby was born and everything I had prayed for was here. I learned to be thankful with our first baby and I thought I knew what gratitude was back then, but it was at that moment of our 2nd baby being born, that I really, thought I knew what being grateful was. Until 7 months after he was born and I was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer. Then, again, my whole perspective changed.
I’m giving all of this information and back story so that I can shed some light as to where I’m coming from today. It all goes hand in hand. Everything happens for a reason, right? So now, it’s December 2018 and I’ve got everything I’ve ever wanted, everything I’ve ever asked for and then, I’m diagnosed with breast cancer. Are you (sorry) f*%\ing kidding me? Talk about a curve ball.
Throughout my journey so far, I haven’t dwelled so much. I’ve been able to overcome my struggles, I’ve fought and I’ve helped. I know I have the support from my own family and friends, but sought out support from groups and people who have been where I stand and within the support groups I now go to once a month, I’ve found those people. We call ourselves the friends we’ve never wanted to have. Because we found each other, young and old, because of breast cancer. I go to three different groups and they all are important to me, just as an AA group would be super important for an alcoholic, because these are people who can relate to everything I’m feeling and am going through. I’ve been so proactive in taking control of what I can take control of and I’ve even been asked to help newly diagnosed younger women, as if I am an experienced alumni to these groups. But, I’m not. I’m still in active treatment. I’ve done my research though, have been my own advocate when needed, listened to doctors, gotten multiple professional opinions, I ask questions when I don’t understand something, and am not afraid to sound stupid or naive, AND, yes the biggest achievement throughout this entire process so far, with much help, I’ve been able to parent and navigate this with 2 very young children.
With that being said, when I was first diagnosed, the thought of going through any of this was absolutely beyond terrifying but that was magnetized even more so because my children were babies, our youngest being just 7 months old. Working with young children for so many years and my background in child psychology gave me the ability to be able to help coach my husband through telling our 4 year old, just what he needed to know, but this was all new territory, for the both of us. It was then that I knew I needed to be proactive in finding ways to navigate this with young children. I googled, I found websites and online groups, but to me, nothing is better than coming face to face and having an actual discussion or reading a book by someone who’s encountered similar situations, but every book I came across just stated the ways to look for the positives or to be grateful or how to be happy. I didn’t need that. The people I came across in my groups that I love are absolutely amazing, but most of them are older. They didn’t go through this with young children or were unfortunately younger than me and didn’t even have any children yet. I couldn’t find anyone who was like me. And then I found younger mothers just like me, but just like me they were trying, and are still trying to navigate. There’s really nothing out there solely for young mothers with kids or mothers with kids or young kids. And as cancer doesn’t discriminate, nor does it differentiate, I’m finding that the support that I need, or needed a few months ago definitely differs from others who are older or who don’t have children.
So everything happens for a reason, I’ll say again because I had the ability to reach out to those few younger moms diagnosed with cancer, like me that I now know, and we are all in agreement that the support that I’m describing is something that they could’ve used or could still use and I’ve decided that I’m going to try to help and do something about that. I want to help guide those other newly diagnosed young moms. And as I haven’t thought everything out yet, and this is a relatively new idea, I’m close to putting into action. So this is where you all come in. Unfortunately breast cancer in younger women is becoming very, very common and there are so many being diagnosed now with young kids and most of us unfortunately know one or two or maybe more. If you know of anyone, any young mother either newly diagnosed, diagnosed and going through treatment, or a survivor with young kids and might need support or would want to offer support to others and wouldn’t mind sharing their stories, please put them in contact with me if they wouldn’t mind!! Email me, fb message me, text me, call me!! If you need contact info, let me know!
Everything happens for a reason and I’m DETERMINED more than ever to find all the good in this madness.
Thanks for reading and for your continuous love and support!!!!
💗💪🏻🙏
Monday, September 2, 2019
September 2, 2019
It’s Monday evening on Labor Day. It’s 6:20pm and I’m sitting outside the front of my house. It’s my new favorite place to sit when I need to take a few moments for myself. I kick my shoes off and relax on my favorite Adirondack chair and even with the occasional noises of cars going by or other neighbors talking, I still find it so extremely peaceful out here. Due to the fact that we have an overhang over our porch, within the past few weeks that have gone by, I’ve even loved sitting out here while it rained. Sometimes Matthew would even come out here and sit with me and we’d just chat or listen to the rain. Right now I’m by myself and I’m ok with that.
I can’t believe it’s September. I think we always say that, as the summer comes to a close. I’m always sad to see the summer come to an end because it’s my favorite season, but this year I’m ok with the months flying by. I’m not trying to rush anything but the faster the days or the months go by, the sooner everything that I’ve been through throughout these past 10 months and am now continuing with over the next few months, will all be behind me because I’ve been through a lot there’s still more. Yes, the tumors were taken out and yes, I am so lucky, and I have always been and will continue to be positive about everything, but to be honest, I’m tired. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. I’m ok, but I’m tired. And I’m not done yet. The fatigue that I feel now is different. I’m not sleepy tired, but I’m just drained almost all of the time. After a full day of being with the kids and trying to stay active, even though I’m still limited in what I can do, my body still hurts. My arms, my shoulders, my back, my left hip especially. And it’s overwhelming at times. Because I’m 38 years old and I have 2 children, one of which is only 16 months old and requires a ton of attention and I want to be able to do things with him like I was able to do with Matthew. I’m determined to do so. But my body still aches and I’m always tired and it’s really hard sometimes.
I’ve been through 16 intense rounds of chemo, a 6 hour surgical procedure, an infection in one of my expanders after the reconstruction which is leaving me unsymmetrical for awhile, drains in and out me for over a month, medications like you wouldn’t believe, a million and a half doctor appointments, and because of my infection I’ve been to my plastic surgeons office so many times we are all becoming good friends... so if anyone ever needs a plastic surgeon I highly recommend my group. And now tomorrow I start my next phase - 28 rounds of radiation.
I haven’t updated in quite some time but so during my double mastectomy surgical procedure, my surgeon also took out lymph nodes to be tested. Turns out that there were traces of cancer cells in one of my lymph nodes and the radiologist that also read my pathology reports confirmed that there was more evidence of disease in other areas of the same left breast, than was shown on the mammogram and other scans that I had done when I was first diagnosed. And that not being founded until that point is unfortunately fairly common, due to dense tissue. So the mastectomy was definitely the way to go. But because of the evidence of more disease and the traces of cancer cells in a lymph node, that determined that radiation was in fact the next step for me. So, I’ll be going daily for what is called proton radiation therapy. Proton radiation is a little newer and is not commonly used for breast cancer radiation, but proton radiation will be more targeted to specific areas that need to be hit and therefore will be less harmful to the surrounding organs, especially my heart and taking my age into consideration, my team felt that this was the way to go vs the more commonly used X-ray radiation which kind of encompasses the entire area that is being radiated. One is not better than the other, as both do the exact same thing, but proton radiation is just better at targeting specific areas, which is what I need. But due to the nature of my cancer, I am going to be treated pretty aggressively, I’m being told, to make sure that everything is gotten and to prevent recurrence. And by no means will the side effects be anything like I had while I went through 4 months of intense chemo therapy, but I have to mentally prepare myself once again for the possibilities of what I could feel like. Fatigue for sure, if I’m already feeling it, burns to the areas being treated, and honestly, the unknown right now. I’ll have to go to physical therapy to make sure I keep exercising the side that’s being radiated and I have to stay as active as I can to lessen the fatigue. I trust my medical team completely though and I know everyone is ready to help me with anything I need. This proton therapy is so new that there are only 13 centers in the entire US that offer this kind of treatment. I’m super lucky to have one close enough, but I still have to travel 40 min each way, every day for 28 days, for a session that will last for approximately 30 minutes. It’s what I have to do. The center I’m going to is immaculate though and they offer so much to their patients. I even get to be apart of a graduation ceremony when I’m finished.
So here I go, game face back on, to get through this next step. I know I’ll get through it and compared to everything I’ve already done, I know it will not be nearly as bad, but because of everything I’ve been through already that’s what makes this harder. Because I’m tired. But I’ll find my strength just as I have before and in a few weeks I’ll look back on this part of my journey and I’ll realize how fast it all went by, just as the summer did. I’m not a person who is ever excited for Fall or even Halloween because it means that winter season is right around the corner, but this year I’m ready because by then hopefully it will be the start to being onto better days.
Thinking of all my teacher friends starting up tomorrow or this week! Jamesburg friends- have a great day back tomorrow and I’ll be back as soon as I can!
💗💪🏻🙏
It’s Monday evening on Labor Day. It’s 6:20pm and I’m sitting outside the front of my house. It’s my new favorite place to sit when I need to take a few moments for myself. I kick my shoes off and relax on my favorite Adirondack chair and even with the occasional noises of cars going by or other neighbors talking, I still find it so extremely peaceful out here. Due to the fact that we have an overhang over our porch, within the past few weeks that have gone by, I’ve even loved sitting out here while it rained. Sometimes Matthew would even come out here and sit with me and we’d just chat or listen to the rain. Right now I’m by myself and I’m ok with that.
I can’t believe it’s September. I think we always say that, as the summer comes to a close. I’m always sad to see the summer come to an end because it’s my favorite season, but this year I’m ok with the months flying by. I’m not trying to rush anything but the faster the days or the months go by, the sooner everything that I’ve been through throughout these past 10 months and am now continuing with over the next few months, will all be behind me because I’ve been through a lot there’s still more. Yes, the tumors were taken out and yes, I am so lucky, and I have always been and will continue to be positive about everything, but to be honest, I’m tired. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. I’m ok, but I’m tired. And I’m not done yet. The fatigue that I feel now is different. I’m not sleepy tired, but I’m just drained almost all of the time. After a full day of being with the kids and trying to stay active, even though I’m still limited in what I can do, my body still hurts. My arms, my shoulders, my back, my left hip especially. And it’s overwhelming at times. Because I’m 38 years old and I have 2 children, one of which is only 16 months old and requires a ton of attention and I want to be able to do things with him like I was able to do with Matthew. I’m determined to do so. But my body still aches and I’m always tired and it’s really hard sometimes.
I’ve been through 16 intense rounds of chemo, a 6 hour surgical procedure, an infection in one of my expanders after the reconstruction which is leaving me unsymmetrical for awhile, drains in and out me for over a month, medications like you wouldn’t believe, a million and a half doctor appointments, and because of my infection I’ve been to my plastic surgeons office so many times we are all becoming good friends... so if anyone ever needs a plastic surgeon I highly recommend my group. And now tomorrow I start my next phase - 28 rounds of radiation.
I haven’t updated in quite some time but so during my double mastectomy surgical procedure, my surgeon also took out lymph nodes to be tested. Turns out that there were traces of cancer cells in one of my lymph nodes and the radiologist that also read my pathology reports confirmed that there was more evidence of disease in other areas of the same left breast, than was shown on the mammogram and other scans that I had done when I was first diagnosed. And that not being founded until that point is unfortunately fairly common, due to dense tissue. So the mastectomy was definitely the way to go. But because of the evidence of more disease and the traces of cancer cells in a lymph node, that determined that radiation was in fact the next step for me. So, I’ll be going daily for what is called proton radiation therapy. Proton radiation is a little newer and is not commonly used for breast cancer radiation, but proton radiation will be more targeted to specific areas that need to be hit and therefore will be less harmful to the surrounding organs, especially my heart and taking my age into consideration, my team felt that this was the way to go vs the more commonly used X-ray radiation which kind of encompasses the entire area that is being radiated. One is not better than the other, as both do the exact same thing, but proton radiation is just better at targeting specific areas, which is what I need. But due to the nature of my cancer, I am going to be treated pretty aggressively, I’m being told, to make sure that everything is gotten and to prevent recurrence. And by no means will the side effects be anything like I had while I went through 4 months of intense chemo therapy, but I have to mentally prepare myself once again for the possibilities of what I could feel like. Fatigue for sure, if I’m already feeling it, burns to the areas being treated, and honestly, the unknown right now. I’ll have to go to physical therapy to make sure I keep exercising the side that’s being radiated and I have to stay as active as I can to lessen the fatigue. I trust my medical team completely though and I know everyone is ready to help me with anything I need. This proton therapy is so new that there are only 13 centers in the entire US that offer this kind of treatment. I’m super lucky to have one close enough, but I still have to travel 40 min each way, every day for 28 days, for a session that will last for approximately 30 minutes. It’s what I have to do. The center I’m going to is immaculate though and they offer so much to their patients. I even get to be apart of a graduation ceremony when I’m finished.
So here I go, game face back on, to get through this next step. I know I’ll get through it and compared to everything I’ve already done, I know it will not be nearly as bad, but because of everything I’ve been through already that’s what makes this harder. Because I’m tired. But I’ll find my strength just as I have before and in a few weeks I’ll look back on this part of my journey and I’ll realize how fast it all went by, just as the summer did. I’m not a person who is ever excited for Fall or even Halloween because it means that winter season is right around the corner, but this year I’m ready because by then hopefully it will be the start to being onto better days.
Thinking of all my teacher friends starting up tomorrow or this week! Jamesburg friends- have a great day back tomorrow and I’ll be back as soon as I can!
💗💪🏻🙏
Saturday, July 13, 2019
July 12th 2019
It’s amazing how time really flies by. I mean we experience it everyday with our kids, our jobs, our daily lives, but how often do we sit down and really reflect on the time that has gone by? I love to reflect. It’s something that I’ve grown accustomed to because it reminds me of where I’ve been and how far I’ve come with anything I’ve done and how I want to improve or do differently. This practice has absolutely benefited me in every aspect of my life.
Back in December when my journey with breast cancer began, of course I went through the mental and emotional challenges of why me but never did I let it phase me. I’m a very, very structured person who loves to have a plan in place and I guess you can say maybe spiritual in a way, where I believe that everything that happens in our lives happens for a reason, so as I looked back on all of my life experiences I couldn’t help to think not why me, but how me...how was I led to this point? And although both questions of how I was led to this point and why I was given this journey will never be answered and I’m ok with that, I always have and will always still truly believe in my heart that everything, all of my life experiences thus far have built me up and have made me strong enough to not only fight this battle, but to win this battle.
Although my journey isn’t over yet, tonight I feel victorious. Since the day of my biopsy back in December I promised myself that I would take everything step by step, and I’ve followed that since. Whether it be minute by minute, hours by hours, days by days, weeks by weeks, milestone by milestone, everything has been and continues to be a checklist in my mind. After my procedure on July 1st, I was left with 4 drains and omg were they uncomfortable. But with everything I’ve been through, the drains by far were nothing except for a nuisance. During the weeks of chemo my checklist was minute by minute, sometimes hour by hour, then day by day. Then it was procedure time and my checklist was milestone by milestone- ok surgery done, check. Got out of hospital, check. Can sleep on couch recliner, check. And every day that I could do a little bit more, was a check. Getting 2 drains out during my plastic surgeon visit this past Monday at only a week out of my procedure, check!! Ok next appointment is Friday and hopefully these last 2 drains can come out. Check! They were taken out! One more thing crossed off my list! Another milestone completed. No more drains in me and I’m only 12 days post procedure.
It’s hard to put into words and to describe what I’m actually feeling but if I try, I can say that tonight I feel free. I’ve never climbed an actual mountain but I think I can equate my feelings to something of the sort. All this time I truly felt like I’ve been climbing a mountain. I was tired and sore, pushing myself to keep going little by little. And with every milestone crossed off my list, the higher I’ve climbed on this mountain and tonight I feel like I’ve made it to the top. I can breathe a little easier, I can think a little bit clearer, except for when my chemo brain comes into play and I can’t remember something lol, and tonight I just feel stronger. And as I said before we don’t know if my journey is over yet, but I feel at peace with where I am. Tonight im sitting in my backyard but it’s almost if I’m standing on top of that mountain looking around. I had dinner tonight with friends, celebrating my milestone with good food and a glass of wine, and now as I sit here in silence, the moon is out, the sky has amazing colors, and the fireflies are starting to dance. I’m feeling gratitude for everything around me.
So what happens now....
Thursday, July 18th, that’s next on my checklist because that’s when we’ll hopefully find out about what the next step is. It could be radiation, it could be I don’t need radiation, it could be something else. But for this weekend I’m choosing not to think about it. I’m choosing to celebrate where I’ve been and what I’ve accomplished, and where I am today. The adrenaline rush after getting these drains out is crazy. Don’t worry, I’m not going overboard. I will still take it easy and follow my directions of not lifting and still not doing too much, but I’m headed into this weekend feeling amazing. I’ve never in my life ever doubted myself at anything I’ve done, but now I feel more than ever before that I can do anything and I can handle anything. Nothing can phase me and nothing can bring me down. Tonight I feel amazing. And with my new look that I was finally brave enough to reveal this week....maybe even a little badass, as my husband likes to say.
I was always tough before, but now I’m feeling tougher than ever. I’m still the same old Michele, but with a whole new outlook and perspective. I’m never thankful for my cancer, but I’m thankful for what my cancer has taught me. Everything happens for a reason....
Enjoy your weekend!! I sure am going to enjoy mine and sorry if I clog up your newsfeed with pics!!!
Michele 💗💪🏻😁
It’s amazing how time really flies by. I mean we experience it everyday with our kids, our jobs, our daily lives, but how often do we sit down and really reflect on the time that has gone by? I love to reflect. It’s something that I’ve grown accustomed to because it reminds me of where I’ve been and how far I’ve come with anything I’ve done and how I want to improve or do differently. This practice has absolutely benefited me in every aspect of my life.
Back in December when my journey with breast cancer began, of course I went through the mental and emotional challenges of why me but never did I let it phase me. I’m a very, very structured person who loves to have a plan in place and I guess you can say maybe spiritual in a way, where I believe that everything that happens in our lives happens for a reason, so as I looked back on all of my life experiences I couldn’t help to think not why me, but how me...how was I led to this point? And although both questions of how I was led to this point and why I was given this journey will never be answered and I’m ok with that, I always have and will always still truly believe in my heart that everything, all of my life experiences thus far have built me up and have made me strong enough to not only fight this battle, but to win this battle.
Although my journey isn’t over yet, tonight I feel victorious. Since the day of my biopsy back in December I promised myself that I would take everything step by step, and I’ve followed that since. Whether it be minute by minute, hours by hours, days by days, weeks by weeks, milestone by milestone, everything has been and continues to be a checklist in my mind. After my procedure on July 1st, I was left with 4 drains and omg were they uncomfortable. But with everything I’ve been through, the drains by far were nothing except for a nuisance. During the weeks of chemo my checklist was minute by minute, sometimes hour by hour, then day by day. Then it was procedure time and my checklist was milestone by milestone- ok surgery done, check. Got out of hospital, check. Can sleep on couch recliner, check. And every day that I could do a little bit more, was a check. Getting 2 drains out during my plastic surgeon visit this past Monday at only a week out of my procedure, check!! Ok next appointment is Friday and hopefully these last 2 drains can come out. Check! They were taken out! One more thing crossed off my list! Another milestone completed. No more drains in me and I’m only 12 days post procedure.
It’s hard to put into words and to describe what I’m actually feeling but if I try, I can say that tonight I feel free. I’ve never climbed an actual mountain but I think I can equate my feelings to something of the sort. All this time I truly felt like I’ve been climbing a mountain. I was tired and sore, pushing myself to keep going little by little. And with every milestone crossed off my list, the higher I’ve climbed on this mountain and tonight I feel like I’ve made it to the top. I can breathe a little easier, I can think a little bit clearer, except for when my chemo brain comes into play and I can’t remember something lol, and tonight I just feel stronger. And as I said before we don’t know if my journey is over yet, but I feel at peace with where I am. Tonight im sitting in my backyard but it’s almost if I’m standing on top of that mountain looking around. I had dinner tonight with friends, celebrating my milestone with good food and a glass of wine, and now as I sit here in silence, the moon is out, the sky has amazing colors, and the fireflies are starting to dance. I’m feeling gratitude for everything around me.
So what happens now....
Thursday, July 18th, that’s next on my checklist because that’s when we’ll hopefully find out about what the next step is. It could be radiation, it could be I don’t need radiation, it could be something else. But for this weekend I’m choosing not to think about it. I’m choosing to celebrate where I’ve been and what I’ve accomplished, and where I am today. The adrenaline rush after getting these drains out is crazy. Don’t worry, I’m not going overboard. I will still take it easy and follow my directions of not lifting and still not doing too much, but I’m headed into this weekend feeling amazing. I’ve never in my life ever doubted myself at anything I’ve done, but now I feel more than ever before that I can do anything and I can handle anything. Nothing can phase me and nothing can bring me down. Tonight I feel amazing. And with my new look that I was finally brave enough to reveal this week....maybe even a little badass, as my husband likes to say.
I was always tough before, but now I’m feeling tougher than ever. I’m still the same old Michele, but with a whole new outlook and perspective. I’m never thankful for my cancer, but I’m thankful for what my cancer has taught me. Everything happens for a reason....
Enjoy your weekend!! I sure am going to enjoy mine and sorry if I clog up your newsfeed with pics!!!
Michele 💗💪🏻😁
Sunday, July 7, 2019
Sunday July 7, 2019
8:30pm
A week ago at this exact time I was in my dad’s car headed for some ice cream. It was the night before my surgery and a few hours prior to this, I had gone to the beach and the pool with Jason and the kids and had the best day. We came home from our fun day sometime around 3:30/4pm and the mood changed. Due to the fact that I had to be at the hospital at 5:30am Monday morning, Matthew needed to be driven to camp, and Ryan needed to be cared for all day on Monday, best plan we could come up with was for Jason, Matthew and Ryan to stay over Jason’s parents house and for me to stay over my parents house Sunday night. Matthew was uneasy about staying over anywhere without Jason and so my in-laws didn’t have to be at our house by 4:30am, this was just the best scenario. My parents would take me to the hospital Monday morning, Jason would meet us there, and my in-laws would drive Matthew to camp and then keep Ryan for the day. So when we got home from the pool, bags needed to be packed. That’s when the moods started to change.
We had sat down with Matthew just the day before on Saturday and explained to him that mommy would be going to the hospital for a day or two. We called a family meeting again and this time when it was my turn to talk I said so remember this boo boo that mommy has over here? Well now that the special medicine worked and made mommy’s boo boo go away, now mommy’s boo boo has to be taken out and it has to be done by doctors at the hospital. But once it’s out mommy will be better, but I’ll stay for a night or two and then I’ll come home. And I’ll need to rest for a bit but in just a few weeks I’ll be ok. He just sat and looked at me with wide eyes and a slightly tilted head. He was processing. I said so not tomorrow but on Monday, in 2 days, mommy will go to the hospital, just like when I had to go to the hospital when Ryan was born. At this point Matthew started jumping around. Yoga, karate kicks, rolling on the floor. I was careful with what was said next. Obviously he was letting something out. I told him about our plan for Sunday night’s sleepover and he said ok mommy. That was it. He said can I go play now? And off he went. So he obviously at 5 years old had no concept of when this would actually be happening so Sunday when we got back and Jason started getting bags together, Matthew thought nothing of it. So I figured I’d better remind him, gently.
I sat next to him on the couch and said hey buddy remember the plan we spoke about? He said yeah... so I said well that’s happening tonight. You are going to Grammy and grandpa’s house tonight and tomorrow mommy is going to the hospital. His eyes glued to the tv but I knew he was listening as I could see his eyes getting watery. So I leaned over gave him a kiss and said but mommy will be ok. The boo boo will be out and I’ll be all better. And you can call me and FaceTime me and whatever you need. He said I want to come see you. I said at the hospital? He said yes. I said well I’m going to have wires in me like when Ryan was born and in bed and I’m not sure you would want to see that. He said I do. I really do mommy. So I told him that we would figure out a good time for him to come. And then, because I knew he needed some cheering up and because boys will be boys, the way to this boys heart these days is with, yes, potty words. And with everything this boy has been through in the past year with a new baby and then cancer with me, as long as it’s only in this house, I don’t care one bit. Anyone who knows our Matthew knows he’s the kindest, sweetest, most respectful, boy so a few potty words here or there, like I said in the house, doesn’t phase me at all. My motto these days is if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. So I leaned over and said hey Matthew I have something funny to tell you. He said what? Eyes still glued to the tv. I leaned over more and quietly said his favorite word these days.... butt. He immediately started laughing and rolled over on the couch and started joking around with me. I said you know what? I’ll even FaceTime you later and say Butt just to cheer you up. He’s hysterical at this point. He’s going to be fine. Just gotta get through these next few days.
So here we are, 8:30pm last Sunday night, about 3 hours after all 3 of my boys left, and my dad had just come to pick me up. We swung back to my parents house and my mom and my sister, who came down to be here for the surgery, both hopped in the car and we drove for some ice cream. I wasn’t really able to eat all day but ice cream I could totally do. I got some mint chocolate chip with rainbow sprinkles and it was delicious. And while I was eating my ice cream, my phone rang for FaceTime. It was my Matthew. Hi Mommy, remember what you said you’d say to me? Of course I do. So standing there in the middle of Cranbury at our favorite Gil and Bert’s I said Butts and we laughed hysterically and I didn’t care at all if anyone heard me.
We drove back to my parents house. The mood that evening was a little uneasy, although everyone was fine and supportive. I actually ended up falling asleep at some point. I woke up at 4:40am, we were in the car by 5am and I was ready to go. Game face on, let’s do this!!
Get this cancer out of me!!!
Obviously you all know now I’m on the road to recovery, as tomorrow I’ll be a week out of surgery already but it’s taken some time to process everything. Now that I’m coming to terms with everything I’ll definitely be writing more about my experiences these past few days. So if you want to know more, stay tuned....
💗💪🏻🙏👍🏻
8:30pm
A week ago at this exact time I was in my dad’s car headed for some ice cream. It was the night before my surgery and a few hours prior to this, I had gone to the beach and the pool with Jason and the kids and had the best day. We came home from our fun day sometime around 3:30/4pm and the mood changed. Due to the fact that I had to be at the hospital at 5:30am Monday morning, Matthew needed to be driven to camp, and Ryan needed to be cared for all day on Monday, best plan we could come up with was for Jason, Matthew and Ryan to stay over Jason’s parents house and for me to stay over my parents house Sunday night. Matthew was uneasy about staying over anywhere without Jason and so my in-laws didn’t have to be at our house by 4:30am, this was just the best scenario. My parents would take me to the hospital Monday morning, Jason would meet us there, and my in-laws would drive Matthew to camp and then keep Ryan for the day. So when we got home from the pool, bags needed to be packed. That’s when the moods started to change.
We had sat down with Matthew just the day before on Saturday and explained to him that mommy would be going to the hospital for a day or two. We called a family meeting again and this time when it was my turn to talk I said so remember this boo boo that mommy has over here? Well now that the special medicine worked and made mommy’s boo boo go away, now mommy’s boo boo has to be taken out and it has to be done by doctors at the hospital. But once it’s out mommy will be better, but I’ll stay for a night or two and then I’ll come home. And I’ll need to rest for a bit but in just a few weeks I’ll be ok. He just sat and looked at me with wide eyes and a slightly tilted head. He was processing. I said so not tomorrow but on Monday, in 2 days, mommy will go to the hospital, just like when I had to go to the hospital when Ryan was born. At this point Matthew started jumping around. Yoga, karate kicks, rolling on the floor. I was careful with what was said next. Obviously he was letting something out. I told him about our plan for Sunday night’s sleepover and he said ok mommy. That was it. He said can I go play now? And off he went. So he obviously at 5 years old had no concept of when this would actually be happening so Sunday when we got back and Jason started getting bags together, Matthew thought nothing of it. So I figured I’d better remind him, gently.
I sat next to him on the couch and said hey buddy remember the plan we spoke about? He said yeah... so I said well that’s happening tonight. You are going to Grammy and grandpa’s house tonight and tomorrow mommy is going to the hospital. His eyes glued to the tv but I knew he was listening as I could see his eyes getting watery. So I leaned over gave him a kiss and said but mommy will be ok. The boo boo will be out and I’ll be all better. And you can call me and FaceTime me and whatever you need. He said I want to come see you. I said at the hospital? He said yes. I said well I’m going to have wires in me like when Ryan was born and in bed and I’m not sure you would want to see that. He said I do. I really do mommy. So I told him that we would figure out a good time for him to come. And then, because I knew he needed some cheering up and because boys will be boys, the way to this boys heart these days is with, yes, potty words. And with everything this boy has been through in the past year with a new baby and then cancer with me, as long as it’s only in this house, I don’t care one bit. Anyone who knows our Matthew knows he’s the kindest, sweetest, most respectful, boy so a few potty words here or there, like I said in the house, doesn’t phase me at all. My motto these days is if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. So I leaned over and said hey Matthew I have something funny to tell you. He said what? Eyes still glued to the tv. I leaned over more and quietly said his favorite word these days.... butt. He immediately started laughing and rolled over on the couch and started joking around with me. I said you know what? I’ll even FaceTime you later and say Butt just to cheer you up. He’s hysterical at this point. He’s going to be fine. Just gotta get through these next few days.
So here we are, 8:30pm last Sunday night, about 3 hours after all 3 of my boys left, and my dad had just come to pick me up. We swung back to my parents house and my mom and my sister, who came down to be here for the surgery, both hopped in the car and we drove for some ice cream. I wasn’t really able to eat all day but ice cream I could totally do. I got some mint chocolate chip with rainbow sprinkles and it was delicious. And while I was eating my ice cream, my phone rang for FaceTime. It was my Matthew. Hi Mommy, remember what you said you’d say to me? Of course I do. So standing there in the middle of Cranbury at our favorite Gil and Bert’s I said Butts and we laughed hysterically and I didn’t care at all if anyone heard me.
We drove back to my parents house. The mood that evening was a little uneasy, although everyone was fine and supportive. I actually ended up falling asleep at some point. I woke up at 4:40am, we were in the car by 5am and I was ready to go. Game face on, let’s do this!!
Get this cancer out of me!!!
Obviously you all know now I’m on the road to recovery, as tomorrow I’ll be a week out of surgery already but it’s taken some time to process everything. Now that I’m coming to terms with everything I’ll definitely be writing more about my experiences these past few days. So if you want to know more, stay tuned....
💗💪🏻🙏👍🏻
Saturday, June 29, 2019
June 29, 2019- Saturday Night 10pm
I haven’t been writing much lately. There’s just been so much going on within the past few weeks, that except for the residual side effects of the chemo that I’ve learned to put up with or my weekly doctor appointments, I’ve kind of managed to put the C word to rest for a bit. Not that I couldn’t or wouldn’t talk about it, but it was nice to not have to think about it on a constant basis for a little bit.
So where have I been or what have I been up to since my chemo ended? Well, we’ve spent quality time as a family going to Sesame Place, Point Pleasant boardwalk, out to dinner together, and playing in our backyard. We’ve had friends over to our house, Jason and I have gone out on our own date nights or date days, and I’ve gone to dinner with friends. We celebrated Matthew’s 5th birthday and got to see him graduate Pre-K. I drove by myself to Haverstraw, NY to hang with my sister and my niece on the beautiful Hudson, I took Ryan to the beach, had mommy/Matthew time, and I took Ryan on his first merry go round ride. I participated in a Stomp the Monster event with my amazing, supportive family and friends to help raise money for other cancer patients and caregivers. I shopped by myself, spent time with my sister, my parents, my other close family members, my friends, and had play dates for Ryan. I also reunited with family that I hadn’t seen in quite some time. I ate foods that I hadn’t been able to tolerate in months, enjoyed some ice cream and some good wine from time to time, had some time to visit with coworkers and my class, and I finally made it to see Matthew’s last t-ball game. I’ve spent time awake all day on a Friday and have been able to stay up at night, and I’ve been functional on a Saturday and Sunday. There’s probably more, but I’m a little forgetful these days. Chemo brain is real. So, all this in a matter of 4 weeks. Do I still have pains? Yes, almost everywhere, usually all of the time. Do I still get tired easily? Always. Do I need help with the kids? Yes. But, I learned and am continuing to learn how to manage. I was told by my oncologist that for as long as I was receiving chemo treatments, it will take my body at the very least, the same amount of time if not a little longer, to return back to normal. So, I’ve been living my life and doing all of the things I haven’t been able to do in awhile, things I won’t be able to do for awhile again, and all of the things that we sometimes take for granted. Time that can never be gotten back- especially that time with my kids, my husband, and my family. Life certainly takes those unexpected turns and there’s absolutely no time to waste.
The past few months have certainly been nothing short of a rollercoaster ride with the ups and downs and twists and turns and everything and anything else in between with having stage 3 invasive ductal carcinoma breast cancer. A cancer that I found on my own with not only one tumor, but 2 tumors as I was only 7 months postpartum with our rainbow baby that we had been waiting for, for just about 3 years. It’s now been almost 7 months since the night I felt my tumors, a few days over 6 months since the day that I was given my diagnosis, and exactly 4 weeks to the day that I had my last chemo. And on this Monday, July 1st - 2 days, or as I write this, in just about 32 hours from now, I will be heading into surgery for my double mastectomy. A surgery that I’ve been waiting patiently for, for the past 6 months because all I’ve wanted since the day I was given my diagnosis was to get these cancer causing tumors and anything else related out of me and off of me. Even though the cancer is only on the left side, I’ve elected to do both. I want to do everything I can to prevent this from ever happening again. So bilateral mastectomy, which is the correct medical term for what I’m having done, here I come.
I’ve been through surgery before. When I was in 8th grade, at only 13 years old, I had my first arthroscopic knee surgery on my right knee. A few years later, in the beginning of the summer of 1999 I had arthroscopic knee surgery on my left knee. In 2014 I had my first c-section- not planned, in 2016 I had my gallbladder removed and in 2018 I had my 2nd, this time planned, c-section. So the fact that I’m having another surgery, doesn’t really bother me. Although the recovery will be a little different, right now as I’m thinking about it, I’m not at all phased by it. The unknown- that becomes the unnerving part. How much tissue has it invaded? Is it in my lymph nodes? Will they find anything else that we didn’t know about? How uncomfortable will these expanders that are being put in to hold the place for implants down the road, actually be? When will I really be able to lift my arms well again? When will I really be able to hold my 14 month old? When will I finally be able to return to somewhat of normalcy? A majority of these questions are just a wait and see kind of game and just remembering in the back of my mind that there is, thankfully, a light at the end of this tunnel and that light is getting closer and closer.
Today I was finally able to take Matthew to karate. I hadn’t been able to see him do karate since the beginning of March. I spent the rest of the day hanging out with my family. I had a water fight with Matthew, ran around with Ryan and Jason, and we had my parents with us for dinner. Tonight I rocked Ryan to sleep and I sat and played with Matthew. Tomorrow morning we are getting out as soon as the kids are up, to head to my favorite beach spot on Avon for a few hours. Soaking up every moment I can.
I have to be at the hospital at 5:30am Monday morning. My procedure is scheduled for 7:15am. Jason, my parents, and my sister will be with me. Arrangements for my kids have been made, as Matthew has camp and Ryan will be with my in-laws. I will be staying overnight on Monday at the hospital but I’m definitely pushing for Tuesday night as well, as it will be easier to rest at the hospital. Jason, my sister, and my parents will update when they can and I’m sure at some point someone will hop onto the group page and post something so you’ll all know how I’m doing once I’m out of surgery and situated and all.
Again, from as deep as my heart can go, I thank you. I thank you for all of your continued support, good wishes, and prayers. I am one lucky girl with so many people and so much to be grateful and thankful for. I appreciate everything and everyone so much.
TeamMichele is at it again...💗🙏💪🏻
I haven’t been writing much lately. There’s just been so much going on within the past few weeks, that except for the residual side effects of the chemo that I’ve learned to put up with or my weekly doctor appointments, I’ve kind of managed to put the C word to rest for a bit. Not that I couldn’t or wouldn’t talk about it, but it was nice to not have to think about it on a constant basis for a little bit.
So where have I been or what have I been up to since my chemo ended? Well, we’ve spent quality time as a family going to Sesame Place, Point Pleasant boardwalk, out to dinner together, and playing in our backyard. We’ve had friends over to our house, Jason and I have gone out on our own date nights or date days, and I’ve gone to dinner with friends. We celebrated Matthew’s 5th birthday and got to see him graduate Pre-K. I drove by myself to Haverstraw, NY to hang with my sister and my niece on the beautiful Hudson, I took Ryan to the beach, had mommy/Matthew time, and I took Ryan on his first merry go round ride. I participated in a Stomp the Monster event with my amazing, supportive family and friends to help raise money for other cancer patients and caregivers. I shopped by myself, spent time with my sister, my parents, my other close family members, my friends, and had play dates for Ryan. I also reunited with family that I hadn’t seen in quite some time. I ate foods that I hadn’t been able to tolerate in months, enjoyed some ice cream and some good wine from time to time, had some time to visit with coworkers and my class, and I finally made it to see Matthew’s last t-ball game. I’ve spent time awake all day on a Friday and have been able to stay up at night, and I’ve been functional on a Saturday and Sunday. There’s probably more, but I’m a little forgetful these days. Chemo brain is real. So, all this in a matter of 4 weeks. Do I still have pains? Yes, almost everywhere, usually all of the time. Do I still get tired easily? Always. Do I need help with the kids? Yes. But, I learned and am continuing to learn how to manage. I was told by my oncologist that for as long as I was receiving chemo treatments, it will take my body at the very least, the same amount of time if not a little longer, to return back to normal. So, I’ve been living my life and doing all of the things I haven’t been able to do in awhile, things I won’t be able to do for awhile again, and all of the things that we sometimes take for granted. Time that can never be gotten back- especially that time with my kids, my husband, and my family. Life certainly takes those unexpected turns and there’s absolutely no time to waste.
The past few months have certainly been nothing short of a rollercoaster ride with the ups and downs and twists and turns and everything and anything else in between with having stage 3 invasive ductal carcinoma breast cancer. A cancer that I found on my own with not only one tumor, but 2 tumors as I was only 7 months postpartum with our rainbow baby that we had been waiting for, for just about 3 years. It’s now been almost 7 months since the night I felt my tumors, a few days over 6 months since the day that I was given my diagnosis, and exactly 4 weeks to the day that I had my last chemo. And on this Monday, July 1st - 2 days, or as I write this, in just about 32 hours from now, I will be heading into surgery for my double mastectomy. A surgery that I’ve been waiting patiently for, for the past 6 months because all I’ve wanted since the day I was given my diagnosis was to get these cancer causing tumors and anything else related out of me and off of me. Even though the cancer is only on the left side, I’ve elected to do both. I want to do everything I can to prevent this from ever happening again. So bilateral mastectomy, which is the correct medical term for what I’m having done, here I come.
I’ve been through surgery before. When I was in 8th grade, at only 13 years old, I had my first arthroscopic knee surgery on my right knee. A few years later, in the beginning of the summer of 1999 I had arthroscopic knee surgery on my left knee. In 2014 I had my first c-section- not planned, in 2016 I had my gallbladder removed and in 2018 I had my 2nd, this time planned, c-section. So the fact that I’m having another surgery, doesn’t really bother me. Although the recovery will be a little different, right now as I’m thinking about it, I’m not at all phased by it. The unknown- that becomes the unnerving part. How much tissue has it invaded? Is it in my lymph nodes? Will they find anything else that we didn’t know about? How uncomfortable will these expanders that are being put in to hold the place for implants down the road, actually be? When will I really be able to lift my arms well again? When will I really be able to hold my 14 month old? When will I finally be able to return to somewhat of normalcy? A majority of these questions are just a wait and see kind of game and just remembering in the back of my mind that there is, thankfully, a light at the end of this tunnel and that light is getting closer and closer.
Today I was finally able to take Matthew to karate. I hadn’t been able to see him do karate since the beginning of March. I spent the rest of the day hanging out with my family. I had a water fight with Matthew, ran around with Ryan and Jason, and we had my parents with us for dinner. Tonight I rocked Ryan to sleep and I sat and played with Matthew. Tomorrow morning we are getting out as soon as the kids are up, to head to my favorite beach spot on Avon for a few hours. Soaking up every moment I can.
I have to be at the hospital at 5:30am Monday morning. My procedure is scheduled for 7:15am. Jason, my parents, and my sister will be with me. Arrangements for my kids have been made, as Matthew has camp and Ryan will be with my in-laws. I will be staying overnight on Monday at the hospital but I’m definitely pushing for Tuesday night as well, as it will be easier to rest at the hospital. Jason, my sister, and my parents will update when they can and I’m sure at some point someone will hop onto the group page and post something so you’ll all know how I’m doing once I’m out of surgery and situated and all.
Again, from as deep as my heart can go, I thank you. I thank you for all of your continued support, good wishes, and prayers. I am one lucky girl with so many people and so much to be grateful and thankful for. I appreciate everything and everyone so much.
TeamMichele is at it again...💗🙏💪🏻
Monday, June 17, 2019
Monday June 17, 2019
Yesterday marked 5 months since my chemo treatments started and it’s been almost three weeks since my chemo treatments ended. I haven’t written in awhile and I know some of you have been checking in on me and wondering how I’m doing, what’s been going on, and what’s next. I had some time tonight so I figured I’d do an update.
So how am I doing? I’m doing ok. Last week and the week before that, I kept myself pretty busy doing things that I hadn’t been able to do in quite sometime. Maybe too busy, but I was ok with that. It was refreshing to be awake and alert on a Friday night or up and out on a Saturday/Sunday morning instead of sleeping the days away. I ran and played with my boys, went for walks, saw the beach twice, among some other fun things. The most important part was just spending quality time with all of my family, friends, and all the people I love the most, as often as I could.
My chemo was over, and at the time of it ending I had 4 weeks before surgery. The first of those weeks being no cancer related things at all, except for a support group meeting. I put it out of my mind untiI needed to remember again. The second chemo free week I had support group meetings, which I love going to, and a visit with my oncologist. Here we are at my third chemo free week and we are starting back up again. Appointments Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday is my pre admission testing at the hospital because my procedure is July 1st- exactly 2 weeks from today.
As much as I wanted to put cancer out of my mind for a bit, I found it hard to do so after awhile. At night is when it would, or still does hit me. It’s not that I’m pushing myself at all, I’m just not sure of what I can handle so I try and if I’m tired or something hurts, I back down or stop completely. My sleeping is off again so I’m tired from not sleeping and just plain old tired again. 3-4 months of chemo, I was told it’s still in my body so I’ll still have side effects, though not as harsh anymore, and for as long as I received the treatments, it will take that amount of time for my body to start to become normal again. I still have bone pain, muscle aches, my fingers tingle especially after holding something in my hand for awhile, and other side effects that I’m just used to by now.
So I’m just biding my time, doing as much as my body allows, until July 1st. July 1st is my double mastectomy, lymph node testing, and expander placement.
Tomorrow I meet with my plastic surgeon to go over exactly what to expect in just 2 weeks from today. I also go back to my oncologist this Wednesday and each time I go I do bloodwork first to check all of my numbers. So let’s keep hoping my numbers stay the way they need to be so that I can go on with this procedure July 1st and get these tumors out of me!
Thanks for thinking of me, checking in on me, and continuing to support me! :)
Michele
💗💪🏻🙏
Yesterday marked 5 months since my chemo treatments started and it’s been almost three weeks since my chemo treatments ended. I haven’t written in awhile and I know some of you have been checking in on me and wondering how I’m doing, what’s been going on, and what’s next. I had some time tonight so I figured I’d do an update.
So how am I doing? I’m doing ok. Last week and the week before that, I kept myself pretty busy doing things that I hadn’t been able to do in quite sometime. Maybe too busy, but I was ok with that. It was refreshing to be awake and alert on a Friday night or up and out on a Saturday/Sunday morning instead of sleeping the days away. I ran and played with my boys, went for walks, saw the beach twice, among some other fun things. The most important part was just spending quality time with all of my family, friends, and all the people I love the most, as often as I could.
My chemo was over, and at the time of it ending I had 4 weeks before surgery. The first of those weeks being no cancer related things at all, except for a support group meeting. I put it out of my mind untiI needed to remember again. The second chemo free week I had support group meetings, which I love going to, and a visit with my oncologist. Here we are at my third chemo free week and we are starting back up again. Appointments Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday is my pre admission testing at the hospital because my procedure is July 1st- exactly 2 weeks from today.
As much as I wanted to put cancer out of my mind for a bit, I found it hard to do so after awhile. At night is when it would, or still does hit me. It’s not that I’m pushing myself at all, I’m just not sure of what I can handle so I try and if I’m tired or something hurts, I back down or stop completely. My sleeping is off again so I’m tired from not sleeping and just plain old tired again. 3-4 months of chemo, I was told it’s still in my body so I’ll still have side effects, though not as harsh anymore, and for as long as I received the treatments, it will take that amount of time for my body to start to become normal again. I still have bone pain, muscle aches, my fingers tingle especially after holding something in my hand for awhile, and other side effects that I’m just used to by now.
So I’m just biding my time, doing as much as my body allows, until July 1st. July 1st is my double mastectomy, lymph node testing, and expander placement.
Tomorrow I meet with my plastic surgeon to go over exactly what to expect in just 2 weeks from today. I also go back to my oncologist this Wednesday and each time I go I do bloodwork first to check all of my numbers. So let’s keep hoping my numbers stay the way they need to be so that I can go on with this procedure July 1st and get these tumors out of me!
Thanks for thinking of me, checking in on me, and continuing to support me! :)
Michele
💗💪🏻🙏
Wednesday, June 5, 2019
Wednesday June 5, 2019
8:30pm
It’s a Wednesday night and I just rocked my Ryan to sleep and placed him in his crib. All on my own. Something I haven’t been able to do on a Wednesday night, let alone on most nights, since January 15th. And come this July 1st, I won’t be able to do what I did tonight again for several weeks. I’m soaking up every moment, every second that I can, with a different appreciation, a different mindset, doing things I haven’t been able to do by myself in months and won’t be able to do for awhile again, in just a few short weeks.
It’s Wednesday night, it’s now 9:30pm and I’m still awake. I actually sat down to have dinner with my husband after the kids went to sleep. We ordered in, I had my favorite veggie sushi rolls and a glass of wine, and was able to have a normal conversation with Jason while we ate. I can think clearly and I’m not anxious about not feeling well for the rest of the week. What an amazing feeling.
I’ve been taking full advantage of being finished with my chemo treatments. I started taking full advantage right out of the gate- the moment I started feeling slightly ok on Saturday. That’s when I took my 30 min walk. Sunday was our big Stomp the Monster event. We were up and out early. We had fun with family and friends, I completed a 1 mile walk, and was able to sit outside and play with my kids in the backyard when we got home. Monday I took Ryan to the beach in the morning. The beach is my absolute favorite place and I decided on a whim that I needed to see it. I needed to smell my favorite beach air, see the ocean and put my feet in the sand with my baby. I went to my Avon By the Sea, yes I say my because I’ve been going to this same beach since I was about 10 years old, put Ryan in the stroller and we walked. Those of you who know my, or our beach because there’s a lot of you out here that go there or meet us there too, I walked from the pavilion all the way over the bridge to Belmar by the fishing club and then turned around and walked back. Then went on the sand and played around for a bit. The best way to spend the first Monday morning of my first chemo free week. Better if Matthew and Jason were with us, but just me and Ryan worked out just fine. Tuesday I felt ok enough to drive myself all the way up to Haverstraw, NY to visit my sister and play with my niece and drive back home again later that evening. An almost 2 hour trip each way, up the parkway, to the palisades, and back. It was a beautiful day. I had my sunroof open all along the drive, I managed traffic and those crazy parkway drivers, and walked around and sat outside overlooking the Hudson for about 2 hours while my niece napped in her stroller.
Today, a Wednesday, the first Wednesday since January 16th that I’m not seeing my oncologist and the first Wednesday in 12 weeks that I’m not sitting in a chemo chair, Jason and I celebrated this wonderful occasion by taking our two beautiful boys to Sesame Place. Tomorrow, June 6th, is Matthew’s 5th birthday and for weeks, since he knows how much his little brother loves Elmo, has been talking about how fun it would be to go to Sesame Place all together so that he and Ryan could see Elmo for both of their birthdays. Ryan just had his first birthday on April 30th. So we thought this would be the perfect day to do just that. And it was. I pushed a stroller, I actually took Matthew on some rides, we took pictures with our favorite characters, and watched the street parade. Matthew went in the wading pool and of course Ryan wanted to follow after him so Jason took them both in. Matthew wasn’t interested in watching the street parade but I knew Ryan would love it so Jason stayed with Matthew while I took Ryan over. I bought my favorite Dip N Dots, for a snack for the parade which of course we shared, I held Ryan while I danced us around in our perfect shady spot, and we watched that parade. Sesame Street was always my favorite growing up and it holds a special place in my heart so I getting to see my little Ryan’s face light up as he watched Big Bird, Elmo and his other favs dance right by him made my everything. I couldn’t get any good pictures of him watching, but the memory of what his face looked like and how he cheered for his Elmo, will be forever ingrained in my mind and that’s just perfect for me. And Matthew’s face when he was told just this very morning that he wasn’t going to school today (sorry to his teachers 😜)because we were all going to Sesame Place for an early birthday celebration, was absolutely priceless too. The time we all spent together there, not thinking about cancer or chemo, the whole day with my boys and my husband, celebrating a lot of things today, was just what I, and probably all 4 of us needed.
Tomorrow Matthew will go to school and celebrate with his friends (yes I’m sending in acceptable birthday treats 😉)and during the day I will hopefully see my friends and hang out with Ryan. Then we will all celebrate with our, omg, 5 year old. And the rest of the week and weekend and the up and coming weeks we have lots of things planned. And I’m so happy about that.
I want to do as much as I can in these next few weeks. Because even though my chemo is over, my cancer journey is not. I have 4 weeks to live as normally as I can before the next phase. The next phase- I’m going in July 1st for my surgery. A double mastectomy. At that time they will remove everything, my tumors, sample my lymph nodes, and I will be left with what are called expanders, which will hold the space for however long it needs to be held for, until I can go back in for another procedure for reconstruction. Reconstruction cannot happen at the same time as my double mastectomy because we need to wait for pathology reports to know if I’ll need radiation. If I need radiation, we start that in August and I won’t be able to have the reconstruction procedure done until 6 months after radiation is completed because we don’t want any new reconstruction radiated. If I don’t need radiation, I go back in a few weeks later to have my reconstruction. What determines if I need radiation? My pathology reports from taking my tumors and sampling lymph nodes and anything else they might find during the mastectomy procedure. Recovery time after the mastectomy procedure? I’m not even thinking about it right now but I am bracing myself and I know from talking to others that obviously from the procedure itself and from the wonderful expanders I’ll be getting, that I’ll probably be uncomfortable for quite some time. But that’s to be thought about in a few weeks from now. Not yet.
So, like I said, I’m enjoying every single moment I can right now, and I am in somewhat of a new light. This new light is a feeling I can’t quite put into words yet, but a feeling that I think that only someone who has physically and mentally gone through what I have over the course of these past few months, can relate to.
Am I tired? Yes. Do I still have some ailments? Yes. I still have bone pain at times, I’m sore today from walking so much, and I still have tingling in my hands and fingertips at times. And my strength is nowhere like it used to be. So yes my arms hurt after holding Ryan for a bit and my back is sore after 2 hours of driving but anything I’m experiencing now, I can handle because it’s nothing, absolutely nothing compared to what I’ve just experienced. I’m not overdoing it, I’m listening to my body and I’m resting when I need to, but I won’t let anything get in my way of doing anything I want to do in these next few weeks, within reason. I still won’t go to inclosed crowded public places, I still have to be careful with germs, and I’m unfortunately not allowed to go in a public pool. So I’ll take what I can get and enjoy what I can do, while I can.
The chemo did exactly what it was intended to do and thankfully shrunk my tumors so I’m now operable, but the cancer is still inside me. I love living as normally as I can for these next few weeks but am still cognizant that, as I’ve said, that my journey is not over. But as horrible as that chemo was, I’m so forever grateful that it did its job so that I’m able to enjoy more moments with my kids, my family, and everyone else right now and when this craziness is finally able to be put behind me.
Thank you all for continuing to support me and for continuing to keep me and my family in your thoughts.
💗
Michele
8:30pm
It’s a Wednesday night and I just rocked my Ryan to sleep and placed him in his crib. All on my own. Something I haven’t been able to do on a Wednesday night, let alone on most nights, since January 15th. And come this July 1st, I won’t be able to do what I did tonight again for several weeks. I’m soaking up every moment, every second that I can, with a different appreciation, a different mindset, doing things I haven’t been able to do by myself in months and won’t be able to do for awhile again, in just a few short weeks.
It’s Wednesday night, it’s now 9:30pm and I’m still awake. I actually sat down to have dinner with my husband after the kids went to sleep. We ordered in, I had my favorite veggie sushi rolls and a glass of wine, and was able to have a normal conversation with Jason while we ate. I can think clearly and I’m not anxious about not feeling well for the rest of the week. What an amazing feeling.
I’ve been taking full advantage of being finished with my chemo treatments. I started taking full advantage right out of the gate- the moment I started feeling slightly ok on Saturday. That’s when I took my 30 min walk. Sunday was our big Stomp the Monster event. We were up and out early. We had fun with family and friends, I completed a 1 mile walk, and was able to sit outside and play with my kids in the backyard when we got home. Monday I took Ryan to the beach in the morning. The beach is my absolute favorite place and I decided on a whim that I needed to see it. I needed to smell my favorite beach air, see the ocean and put my feet in the sand with my baby. I went to my Avon By the Sea, yes I say my because I’ve been going to this same beach since I was about 10 years old, put Ryan in the stroller and we walked. Those of you who know my, or our beach because there’s a lot of you out here that go there or meet us there too, I walked from the pavilion all the way over the bridge to Belmar by the fishing club and then turned around and walked back. Then went on the sand and played around for a bit. The best way to spend the first Monday morning of my first chemo free week. Better if Matthew and Jason were with us, but just me and Ryan worked out just fine. Tuesday I felt ok enough to drive myself all the way up to Haverstraw, NY to visit my sister and play with my niece and drive back home again later that evening. An almost 2 hour trip each way, up the parkway, to the palisades, and back. It was a beautiful day. I had my sunroof open all along the drive, I managed traffic and those crazy parkway drivers, and walked around and sat outside overlooking the Hudson for about 2 hours while my niece napped in her stroller.
Today, a Wednesday, the first Wednesday since January 16th that I’m not seeing my oncologist and the first Wednesday in 12 weeks that I’m not sitting in a chemo chair, Jason and I celebrated this wonderful occasion by taking our two beautiful boys to Sesame Place. Tomorrow, June 6th, is Matthew’s 5th birthday and for weeks, since he knows how much his little brother loves Elmo, has been talking about how fun it would be to go to Sesame Place all together so that he and Ryan could see Elmo for both of their birthdays. Ryan just had his first birthday on April 30th. So we thought this would be the perfect day to do just that. And it was. I pushed a stroller, I actually took Matthew on some rides, we took pictures with our favorite characters, and watched the street parade. Matthew went in the wading pool and of course Ryan wanted to follow after him so Jason took them both in. Matthew wasn’t interested in watching the street parade but I knew Ryan would love it so Jason stayed with Matthew while I took Ryan over. I bought my favorite Dip N Dots, for a snack for the parade which of course we shared, I held Ryan while I danced us around in our perfect shady spot, and we watched that parade. Sesame Street was always my favorite growing up and it holds a special place in my heart so I getting to see my little Ryan’s face light up as he watched Big Bird, Elmo and his other favs dance right by him made my everything. I couldn’t get any good pictures of him watching, but the memory of what his face looked like and how he cheered for his Elmo, will be forever ingrained in my mind and that’s just perfect for me. And Matthew’s face when he was told just this very morning that he wasn’t going to school today (sorry to his teachers 😜)because we were all going to Sesame Place for an early birthday celebration, was absolutely priceless too. The time we all spent together there, not thinking about cancer or chemo, the whole day with my boys and my husband, celebrating a lot of things today, was just what I, and probably all 4 of us needed.
Tomorrow Matthew will go to school and celebrate with his friends (yes I’m sending in acceptable birthday treats 😉)and during the day I will hopefully see my friends and hang out with Ryan. Then we will all celebrate with our, omg, 5 year old. And the rest of the week and weekend and the up and coming weeks we have lots of things planned. And I’m so happy about that.
I want to do as much as I can in these next few weeks. Because even though my chemo is over, my cancer journey is not. I have 4 weeks to live as normally as I can before the next phase. The next phase- I’m going in July 1st for my surgery. A double mastectomy. At that time they will remove everything, my tumors, sample my lymph nodes, and I will be left with what are called expanders, which will hold the space for however long it needs to be held for, until I can go back in for another procedure for reconstruction. Reconstruction cannot happen at the same time as my double mastectomy because we need to wait for pathology reports to know if I’ll need radiation. If I need radiation, we start that in August and I won’t be able to have the reconstruction procedure done until 6 months after radiation is completed because we don’t want any new reconstruction radiated. If I don’t need radiation, I go back in a few weeks later to have my reconstruction. What determines if I need radiation? My pathology reports from taking my tumors and sampling lymph nodes and anything else they might find during the mastectomy procedure. Recovery time after the mastectomy procedure? I’m not even thinking about it right now but I am bracing myself and I know from talking to others that obviously from the procedure itself and from the wonderful expanders I’ll be getting, that I’ll probably be uncomfortable for quite some time. But that’s to be thought about in a few weeks from now. Not yet.
So, like I said, I’m enjoying every single moment I can right now, and I am in somewhat of a new light. This new light is a feeling I can’t quite put into words yet, but a feeling that I think that only someone who has physically and mentally gone through what I have over the course of these past few months, can relate to.
Am I tired? Yes. Do I still have some ailments? Yes. I still have bone pain at times, I’m sore today from walking so much, and I still have tingling in my hands and fingertips at times. And my strength is nowhere like it used to be. So yes my arms hurt after holding Ryan for a bit and my back is sore after 2 hours of driving but anything I’m experiencing now, I can handle because it’s nothing, absolutely nothing compared to what I’ve just experienced. I’m not overdoing it, I’m listening to my body and I’m resting when I need to, but I won’t let anything get in my way of doing anything I want to do in these next few weeks, within reason. I still won’t go to inclosed crowded public places, I still have to be careful with germs, and I’m unfortunately not allowed to go in a public pool. So I’ll take what I can get and enjoy what I can do, while I can.
The chemo did exactly what it was intended to do and thankfully shrunk my tumors so I’m now operable, but the cancer is still inside me. I love living as normally as I can for these next few weeks but am still cognizant that, as I’ve said, that my journey is not over. But as horrible as that chemo was, I’m so forever grateful that it did its job so that I’m able to enjoy more moments with my kids, my family, and everyone else right now and when this craziness is finally able to be put behind me.
Thank you all for continuing to support me and for continuing to keep me and my family in your thoughts.
💗
Michele
Tuesday, May 28, 2019
Tuesday May 28 2019
The night before my last chemo treatment.
I’m laying here tonight and of course I’m so tired but I can’t fall asleep. I’ve never been so excited to sit in a chemo chair. Tomorrow is it. Day #134 and my last treatment. I’ve made it to taxol #12. I still have to get through the next few days after, as the bone pain, headaches, and other side effects are just unexplainable at this point, but I’ll get through it just like I have the 11 times before on this type of chemo and 4 other times on the first type of chemo I received.
Needless to say, I’m tired. Not exhausted tired but my body is just tired. Tired of feeling the way I do, tired of this routine I’ve been living for the past 4 months, but grateful that I get to see that light at the end of the tunnel, right now for the chemo part at least. I’ve come a long way since that night of December 9th when I found my lumps and I’ve come an even longer way since my first chemo session back on January 16th. It’s all been a learning process and I’m proud to say I’ve really learned some valuable lessons. I’ve stayed so positive throughout because that’s just me and who I am. It takes A LOT to push aside the pains and side effects that consume my daily life, but I do it. I do it for myself and for my kids. The more I keep busy, the less I think about how awful I really do feel. If my kids want to play, I get on that floor as much as I can but I’ve learned to modify how I need to play. Sometimes I toss a ball with Matthew while my arms tingle and I maybe last for 5 throws and catches before I need a break, or sometimes in the backyard I play catch sitting down if my legs are too tired. This evening Matthew and I played hot potato with a ball and I just pushed through until I needed to take a break. I don’t let my ailments stop me from living. I may get winded easier, I might need frequent breaks, I may have to sleep on certain days for longer, but I figure out a way to do what I can. I’m extremely thankful, as most of who I’ve seen throughout this time say that I don’t look sick and that if I’m not feeling too well that I hide it well. I’ve just learned to manage and glad my hard times don’t show easily. Today I spent the better part of the morning meeting with and helping another young girl who is a mother of 2 children, both around the same ages as my kids, who was just diagnosed similarly as me. I’m happy that I’m looked at as though I’m able to help others already, even when I’m not finished yet myself. I was asked to meet with her, to help ease her mind a bit and I take pride in myself now knowing that I can help others navigate this awful awful time.
I still have a lot to go though myself. Nothing like chemo but the next step is surgery. I go in Monday, July 1st for surgery, which will be a double mastectomy and to sample lymph nodes. No reconstruction at that time. Then we wait for pathology reports to determine if I’ll need radiation or not. Right now it’s up in the air until we get that pathology report. If radiation is needed, I’ll start in August. Then I won’t be able to do reconstruction until about February. If no radiation, I go back in 6-8 weeks after my mastectomy for my reconstruction. So that’s the game plan as of now.
Thank you again for your continuous love and support and keep sending those good wishes and vibes my way! 💪🏻💗🙏
The night before my last chemo treatment.
I’m laying here tonight and of course I’m so tired but I can’t fall asleep. I’ve never been so excited to sit in a chemo chair. Tomorrow is it. Day #134 and my last treatment. I’ve made it to taxol #12. I still have to get through the next few days after, as the bone pain, headaches, and other side effects are just unexplainable at this point, but I’ll get through it just like I have the 11 times before on this type of chemo and 4 other times on the first type of chemo I received.
Needless to say, I’m tired. Not exhausted tired but my body is just tired. Tired of feeling the way I do, tired of this routine I’ve been living for the past 4 months, but grateful that I get to see that light at the end of the tunnel, right now for the chemo part at least. I’ve come a long way since that night of December 9th when I found my lumps and I’ve come an even longer way since my first chemo session back on January 16th. It’s all been a learning process and I’m proud to say I’ve really learned some valuable lessons. I’ve stayed so positive throughout because that’s just me and who I am. It takes A LOT to push aside the pains and side effects that consume my daily life, but I do it. I do it for myself and for my kids. The more I keep busy, the less I think about how awful I really do feel. If my kids want to play, I get on that floor as much as I can but I’ve learned to modify how I need to play. Sometimes I toss a ball with Matthew while my arms tingle and I maybe last for 5 throws and catches before I need a break, or sometimes in the backyard I play catch sitting down if my legs are too tired. This evening Matthew and I played hot potato with a ball and I just pushed through until I needed to take a break. I don’t let my ailments stop me from living. I may get winded easier, I might need frequent breaks, I may have to sleep on certain days for longer, but I figure out a way to do what I can. I’m extremely thankful, as most of who I’ve seen throughout this time say that I don’t look sick and that if I’m not feeling too well that I hide it well. I’ve just learned to manage and glad my hard times don’t show easily. Today I spent the better part of the morning meeting with and helping another young girl who is a mother of 2 children, both around the same ages as my kids, who was just diagnosed similarly as me. I’m happy that I’m looked at as though I’m able to help others already, even when I’m not finished yet myself. I was asked to meet with her, to help ease her mind a bit and I take pride in myself now knowing that I can help others navigate this awful awful time.
I still have a lot to go though myself. Nothing like chemo but the next step is surgery. I go in Monday, July 1st for surgery, which will be a double mastectomy and to sample lymph nodes. No reconstruction at that time. Then we wait for pathology reports to determine if I’ll need radiation or not. Right now it’s up in the air until we get that pathology report. If radiation is needed, I’ll start in August. Then I won’t be able to do reconstruction until about February. If no radiation, I go back in 6-8 weeks after my mastectomy for my reconstruction. So that’s the game plan as of now.
Thank you again for your continuous love and support and keep sending those good wishes and vibes my way! 💪🏻💗🙏
Friday, May 24, 2019
Friday May 24, 2019
Day after 11th chemo day. Man, I’m tired but I’m ok like most days the day after chemo. It won’t hit me until maybe late late tonight, definitely tomorrow morning. It’s so beautiful out and I haven’t had a normal Friday since December, maybe even November before all this stuff started, so I decided to get up and out early with Ryan. He slept a little later than usual so I knew I had some time this morning before his nap. 8:30am and we were in the car. Got an iced coffee, went to the rec center and let him run around for 20 min, had a snack, and then I drove to the Jackson Outlets and Ryan fell asleep along the way. Perfect! And I’m parked, air running, sipping my iced coffee and Ryan is still fast asleep. I’ve been craving weather like this. It just soothes my soul and to be able to be out and enjoying it is just so amazing. It reminds me of summer days I had off when Matthew was a baby. We’d do the exact same thing. He was an early riser, so we were always up and out early. I packed up the car for the day, lunches, snacks, water, whatever else we needed to stay out, and went wherever the day took us. I’m totally fine with all naps in the car. Today Ryan and I, we’ll only be out for a little bit but I’m so so grateful for how this day is turning out so far. Later we are taking Matthew out for mommy daddy Matthew dinner. Wonderful start to this weekend. Especially since I know I’ll be sleeping all day tomorrow. Soaking up every moment I can today. Just wanted to share :)
Day after 11th chemo day. Man, I’m tired but I’m ok like most days the day after chemo. It won’t hit me until maybe late late tonight, definitely tomorrow morning. It’s so beautiful out and I haven’t had a normal Friday since December, maybe even November before all this stuff started, so I decided to get up and out early with Ryan. He slept a little later than usual so I knew I had some time this morning before his nap. 8:30am and we were in the car. Got an iced coffee, went to the rec center and let him run around for 20 min, had a snack, and then I drove to the Jackson Outlets and Ryan fell asleep along the way. Perfect! And I’m parked, air running, sipping my iced coffee and Ryan is still fast asleep. I’ve been craving weather like this. It just soothes my soul and to be able to be out and enjoying it is just so amazing. It reminds me of summer days I had off when Matthew was a baby. We’d do the exact same thing. He was an early riser, so we were always up and out early. I packed up the car for the day, lunches, snacks, water, whatever else we needed to stay out, and went wherever the day took us. I’m totally fine with all naps in the car. Today Ryan and I, we’ll only be out for a little bit but I’m so so grateful for how this day is turning out so far. Later we are taking Matthew out for mommy daddy Matthew dinner. Wonderful start to this weekend. Especially since I know I’ll be sleeping all day tomorrow. Soaking up every moment I can today. Just wanted to share :)
Thursday, May 23, 2019
Wednesday May 22, 2019
This week so far has been a bit different and will continue to be different for the next few days. I usually have my chemo treatments on Wednesdays but this week I’m scheduled for tomorrow, Thursday. Business is booming in the infusion room unfortunately, so I got moved to Thursday. No big deal. I was so achy for so much longer this week that it was a nice break to have an extra consecutive day that I was feeling somewhat ok. I’ve been keeping myself super busy this week. Sunday I started to feel decent again so I spent the day with my parents and my sister at her house, Monday I was busy with Ryan and appointments, Tuesday I visited the school where I’m currently on leave from and then in the evening I joined some friends and went to a sip and paint event, and today was so beautiful out so I spent a few hours with Ryan at a park with some great friends and their kids. Each night this week I was exhausted. During each day I was exhausted. Not exhausted like I need to sleep exhausted, but just my whole body felt so tired. I become majorly fatigued easily and I feel that way most of the time. But this week I pushed through it. Not so much where I could fall off my feet, but I wanted to see how much I could do in the state I was in each day. And each day was different, but I managed. I wanted to do normal things this week and I did, but wow I forgot how exhausting normalcy with kids are on a daily basis without having cancer or chemo treatments, so running around each day in the states that I’ve been in definitely took everything I had. My treatments are dose dense so the chemo is building and building in me so this tail end is the worst. Needless to say I hurt all over every night, but I feel like I accomplished something great. I pushed myself and I did everything I wanted to do and more. The price to pay for it- total exhaustion, shakiness at times, aches and pains all over, headaches, but it was all so worth it. I had so much fun this week. Now tomorrow, Thursday, is back to my reality. Taxol #11. So this week Friday I’ll feel ok, Saturday I’ll sleep all day, and maybe by Sunday I’ll start feeling ok by the afternoon. Then I get Monday and Tuesday, and then Wednesday I go in for my last treatment!!! I’m almost done!!! 💪🏻💗🙏
This week so far has been a bit different and will continue to be different for the next few days. I usually have my chemo treatments on Wednesdays but this week I’m scheduled for tomorrow, Thursday. Business is booming in the infusion room unfortunately, so I got moved to Thursday. No big deal. I was so achy for so much longer this week that it was a nice break to have an extra consecutive day that I was feeling somewhat ok. I’ve been keeping myself super busy this week. Sunday I started to feel decent again so I spent the day with my parents and my sister at her house, Monday I was busy with Ryan and appointments, Tuesday I visited the school where I’m currently on leave from and then in the evening I joined some friends and went to a sip and paint event, and today was so beautiful out so I spent a few hours with Ryan at a park with some great friends and their kids. Each night this week I was exhausted. During each day I was exhausted. Not exhausted like I need to sleep exhausted, but just my whole body felt so tired. I become majorly fatigued easily and I feel that way most of the time. But this week I pushed through it. Not so much where I could fall off my feet, but I wanted to see how much I could do in the state I was in each day. And each day was different, but I managed. I wanted to do normal things this week and I did, but wow I forgot how exhausting normalcy with kids are on a daily basis without having cancer or chemo treatments, so running around each day in the states that I’ve been in definitely took everything I had. My treatments are dose dense so the chemo is building and building in me so this tail end is the worst. Needless to say I hurt all over every night, but I feel like I accomplished something great. I pushed myself and I did everything I wanted to do and more. The price to pay for it- total exhaustion, shakiness at times, aches and pains all over, headaches, but it was all so worth it. I had so much fun this week. Now tomorrow, Thursday, is back to my reality. Taxol #11. So this week Friday I’ll feel ok, Saturday I’ll sleep all day, and maybe by Sunday I’ll start feeling ok by the afternoon. Then I get Monday and Tuesday, and then Wednesday I go in for my last treatment!!! I’m almost done!!! 💪🏻💗🙏
Thursday, May 16, 2019
May 16, 2019
It’s Thursday night at 8:50 pm. The day after my 10th taxol treatment. The haze is starting to set in so I’m bracing myself for another rough few days. But instead of being angry or upset or anxious about what’s to come in the next few days, I start off with gratitude.
I’m grateful for the amazing support system I have, family, friends, coworkers of mine and Jason’s, warm and sunny days like today, grateful that I feel well enough the day after treatments to hang with Ryan and any other visitors before my fog sets in. Today I’m grateful for being able to spend a few hours with my sister, my niece, and my Ryan. I’m grateful for the way Matthew comes home from school and greets Ryan. I’m grateful that I get to snuggle my kids before bed. I’m grateful for my rockstar husband who goes above and beyond for our family. I’m grateful for my new glasses so I can see the tv when my haze sets in, I’m grateful tonight for my comfy couch, comfy clothes, medicine, and my bed. And I’m grateful that I’ll hopefully get to sleep off all this yuck tomorrow in a quiet house. I’m grateful for and looking forward to later Sunday and Monday when I’m back to myself for a bit before starting all over again. Grateful that next week is #11. 💪🏻💗🙏
It’s Thursday night at 8:50 pm. The day after my 10th taxol treatment. The haze is starting to set in so I’m bracing myself for another rough few days. But instead of being angry or upset or anxious about what’s to come in the next few days, I start off with gratitude.
I’m grateful for the amazing support system I have, family, friends, coworkers of mine and Jason’s, warm and sunny days like today, grateful that I feel well enough the day after treatments to hang with Ryan and any other visitors before my fog sets in. Today I’m grateful for being able to spend a few hours with my sister, my niece, and my Ryan. I’m grateful for the way Matthew comes home from school and greets Ryan. I’m grateful that I get to snuggle my kids before bed. I’m grateful for my rockstar husband who goes above and beyond for our family. I’m grateful for my new glasses so I can see the tv when my haze sets in, I’m grateful tonight for my comfy couch, comfy clothes, medicine, and my bed. And I’m grateful that I’ll hopefully get to sleep off all this yuck tomorrow in a quiet house. I’m grateful for and looking forward to later Sunday and Monday when I’m back to myself for a bit before starting all over again. Grateful that next week is #11. 💪🏻💗🙏
Wednesday, May 15, 2019
Wednesday May 15, 2019
I’m currently sitting in a chair being hooked up to all my meds for my 10th infusion. My actual chemo days here aren’t too rough anymore. I usually have my favorite chair saved for me. I take out my water, phone, blanket and I get myself all situated. I’m a pro now. I’ve also gotten to know some of the nurses here and as much as I’d rather be anywhere else, it’s nice talking with them when I come in.
I woke up this morning, helped get my kids ready for their day and then once everyone was gone and my house was quiet, I saw the sun shining and decided I would get out myself for a bit. So at 8:30 this morning I made a return at Target, then I browsed shoes for Matthew at DSW, and I picked up all my refilled prescriptions. I was back home by 9:50, just in time to sit for 10 min and then get all my things together to leave for my infusion. It’s nice getting out the morning of my infusion- I get to do normal things before the craziness starts.
Last night I decided to join in on a cancer support group, which is held at the office where my breast surgeon is located. I’ve actually been to 3 different support groups throughout the past few months, but they all meet once a month so I go to a few of them so I get more than one meeting. I like going. I find it so helpful and I find myself at ease talking with people of all different ages and stages. These people are now people who I can relate to and being around people and talking with people who are like me, who have been through this or who are going through anything I’m going through right now, it really is therapeutic. It’s my new normal. I’ve always considered myself to be an open minded, sympathetic and compassionate person when it comes to others but I find myself more so now, than I’ve ever been. We laugh together, we cry together, we understand each other. This is my new normal and I’m starting to come to terms with it. There are members of these support groups who have been coming for years because they like to be there to help new members. So even when my journey is all over, I’ll be one of those people who go to the groups to support new members. I like that I’ll be able to do that.
While driving home last night after this meeting the sky was so pretty. It was raining with storm clouds behind me with sunny skies to the left of me and I said to myself this is the perfect rainbow sky. And as I came to a red light I glanced up and there it was- a rainbow. Now I’ve never been a super spiritual person, but I feel like after the conversations and what had been discussed at this meeting I was at, this rainbow was intended for me to see. I took it as a sign that yes it’s a long road, but there’s a light at the end of this tunnel, which I know, and good things come after storms. My storm is almost over...💗💪🏻🙏
I’m currently sitting in a chair being hooked up to all my meds for my 10th infusion. My actual chemo days here aren’t too rough anymore. I usually have my favorite chair saved for me. I take out my water, phone, blanket and I get myself all situated. I’m a pro now. I’ve also gotten to know some of the nurses here and as much as I’d rather be anywhere else, it’s nice talking with them when I come in.
I woke up this morning, helped get my kids ready for their day and then once everyone was gone and my house was quiet, I saw the sun shining and decided I would get out myself for a bit. So at 8:30 this morning I made a return at Target, then I browsed shoes for Matthew at DSW, and I picked up all my refilled prescriptions. I was back home by 9:50, just in time to sit for 10 min and then get all my things together to leave for my infusion. It’s nice getting out the morning of my infusion- I get to do normal things before the craziness starts.
Last night I decided to join in on a cancer support group, which is held at the office where my breast surgeon is located. I’ve actually been to 3 different support groups throughout the past few months, but they all meet once a month so I go to a few of them so I get more than one meeting. I like going. I find it so helpful and I find myself at ease talking with people of all different ages and stages. These people are now people who I can relate to and being around people and talking with people who are like me, who have been through this or who are going through anything I’m going through right now, it really is therapeutic. It’s my new normal. I’ve always considered myself to be an open minded, sympathetic and compassionate person when it comes to others but I find myself more so now, than I’ve ever been. We laugh together, we cry together, we understand each other. This is my new normal and I’m starting to come to terms with it. There are members of these support groups who have been coming for years because they like to be there to help new members. So even when my journey is all over, I’ll be one of those people who go to the groups to support new members. I like that I’ll be able to do that.
While driving home last night after this meeting the sky was so pretty. It was raining with storm clouds behind me with sunny skies to the left of me and I said to myself this is the perfect rainbow sky. And as I came to a red light I glanced up and there it was- a rainbow. Now I’ve never been a super spiritual person, but I feel like after the conversations and what had been discussed at this meeting I was at, this rainbow was intended for me to see. I took it as a sign that yes it’s a long road, but there’s a light at the end of this tunnel, which I know, and good things come after storms. My storm is almost over...💗💪🏻🙏
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