September 2, 2019

It’s Monday evening on Labor Day. It’s 6:20pm and I’m sitting outside the front of my house. It’s my new favorite place to sit when I need to take a few moments for myself. I kick my shoes off and relax on my favorite Adirondack chair and even with the occasional noises of cars going by or other neighbors talking, I still find it so extremely peaceful out here. Due to the fact that we have an overhang over our porch, within the past few weeks that have gone by, I’ve even loved sitting out here while it  rained. Sometimes Matthew would even come out here and sit with me and we’d just chat or listen to the rain. Right now I’m by myself and I’m ok with that.

I can’t believe it’s September. I think we always say that, as the summer comes to a close. I’m always sad to see the summer come to an end because it’s my favorite season, but this year I’m ok with the months flying by. I’m not trying to rush anything but the faster the days or the months go by, the sooner everything that I’ve been through throughout these past 10 months and am now continuing with over the next few months, will all be behind me because I’ve been through a lot there’s still more. Yes, the tumors were taken out and yes, I am so lucky, and I have always been and will continue to be positive about everything, but to be honest, I’m tired. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. I’m ok, but I’m tired. And I’m not done yet. The fatigue that I feel now is different. I’m not sleepy tired, but I’m just drained almost all of the time. After a full day of being with the kids and trying to stay active, even though I’m still limited in what I can do, my body still hurts. My arms, my shoulders, my back, my left hip especially. And it’s overwhelming at times. Because I’m 38 years old and I have 2 children, one of which is only 16 months old and requires a ton of attention and I want to be able to do things with him like I was able to do with Matthew.  I’m determined to do so. But my body still aches and I’m always tired and it’s really hard sometimes.

I’ve been through 16 intense rounds of chemo, a 6 hour surgical procedure, an infection in one of my expanders after the reconstruction which is leaving me unsymmetrical for awhile, drains in and out me for over a month, medications like you wouldn’t believe, a million and a half doctor appointments, and because of my infection I’ve been to my plastic surgeons office so many times we are all becoming good friends... so if anyone ever needs a plastic surgeon I highly recommend my group. And now tomorrow I start my next phase - 28 rounds of radiation.

I haven’t updated in quite some time but so during my double mastectomy surgical procedure, my surgeon also took out lymph nodes to be tested. Turns out that there were traces of cancer cells in one of my lymph nodes and the radiologist that also read my pathology reports confirmed that there was more evidence of disease in other areas of the same left breast, than was shown on the mammogram and other scans that I had done when I was first diagnosed. And that not being founded until that point is unfortunately fairly common, due to dense tissue. So the mastectomy was definitely the way to go. But because of the evidence of more disease and the traces of cancer cells in a lymph node, that determined that radiation was in fact the next step for me. So, I’ll be going daily for what is called proton radiation therapy. Proton radiation is a little newer and is not commonly used for breast cancer radiation, but proton radiation will be more targeted to specific areas that need to be hit and therefore will be less harmful to the surrounding organs, especially my heart and taking my age into consideration, my team felt that this was the way to go vs the more commonly used X-ray radiation which kind of encompasses the entire area that is being radiated. One is not better than the other, as both do the exact same thing, but proton radiation is just better at targeting specific areas, which is what I need. But due to the nature of my cancer, I am going to be treated pretty aggressively, I’m being told, to make sure that everything is gotten and to prevent recurrence. And by no means will the side effects be anything like I had while I went through 4 months of intense chemo therapy, but I have to mentally prepare myself once again for the possibilities of what I could feel like. Fatigue for sure, if I’m already feeling it, burns to the areas being treated, and honestly, the unknown right now. I’ll have to go to physical therapy to make sure I keep exercising the side that’s being radiated and I have to stay as active as I can to lessen the fatigue. I trust my medical team completely though and I know everyone is ready to help me with anything I need. This proton therapy is so new that there are only 13 centers in the entire US that offer this kind of treatment. I’m super lucky to have one close enough, but I still have to travel 40 min each way, every day for 28 days, for a session that will last for approximately 30 minutes. It’s what I have to do. The center I’m going to is immaculate though and they offer so much to their patients. I even get to be apart of a graduation ceremony when I’m finished.

So here I go, game face back on, to get through this next step. I know I’ll get through it and compared to everything I’ve already done, I know it will not be nearly as bad, but because of everything I’ve been through already that’s what makes this harder. Because I’m tired. But I’ll find my strength just as I have before and in a few weeks I’ll look back on this part of my journey and I’ll realize how fast it all went by, just as the summer did. I’m not a person who is ever excited for Fall or even Halloween because it means that winter season is right around the corner, but this year I’m ready because by then hopefully it will be the start to being onto better days.

Thinking of all my teacher friends starting up tomorrow or this week! Jamesburg friends- have a great day back tomorrow and I’ll be back as soon as I can!

💗💪🏻🙏