September 14th 2019
Everything happens for a reason....
How many of you hear that often?? I do. I’ve heard it countless times. But when something bad happens, who wants to actually believe that? That this bad was meant to be. Unless, you are so fortunate to be able to find the good in that bad. Well, somehow, most times, I have been fortunate enough to be able to find the good in the bad. It’s just something I’ve always been able to do. And with some time to myself tonight that I really needed, I was able to think and reflect, and I can honestly say that along this path that I’ve been on for these past several months, I’ve found some good along the way and now I think I’ve found some more good that can come out of my bad. And I need your help and I’ll explain why...
I’ll start off by saying that I always knew I was meant to help people in some way. I’ve always had the ability to read people really well, to listen without judgement,
and to take other sides of a situation into account. At a young age I knew I wanted to work in a profession that could help people in some way. I didn’t know what that was but I tested the waters in many different areas. And, not to toot my own horn, but I felt pretty confident in all areas I tried. So deciding which path to choose became so much harder.
To me there’s always been an interest as to how the mind works. The mind, personality and behavior have always all been quite intriguing to me. So upon entering college I decided to pursue an education in psychology. I actually have a bachelors degree in psychology and although I came to a realization that a career in child psychology was of interest to me, I never actually got to continue in that avenue. Other life stuff got in the way. So I ended up on a different path.
I was just 20 years old when I started working in the early childhood field. I took care of babies as young as 6 months old to teaching children just about 5 years of age, right before they were ready for kindergarten. I followed this path for several years. It was over the course of these few years that I knew I was meant to work with children in some aspect. It just came so easy to me. I felt, just like I could do with anyone, that I could read children easily and I could come to understand them so well in such a short amount of time. At such a young age, as just an assistant teacher, I was able to help teach these children and was able to gain their respect, all at the same time. I could be fun, but when it was time to learn, it was time and they knew it. It was just a knack I had. And I still do to this day.
From then on I continued to work with children in different areas, ultimately becoming employed as a classroom teacher in a public school district. I love to help children, to help them to see their potential and to reach their goals. For all intents and purposes, I am like their 2nd parent for the day and will treat any child as if they were my own, every single day.
Through my love of children, I found that during my later years, I knew I was always meant to be a mother. Having a knack with children who weren’t my own, only made me want to have children of my own so much more. And now that I do, I can say being able to parent and raise my own kids thus far, the way I always knew I wanted to, has been the ultimate reward. My kids are my world. And even though we had our first child easily, there was a time when we didn’t know if we would be able to have a 2nd. And even though we had a first child, not being able to have our family completed with a second child was absolutely devastating, as it should be if that’s what is desired. Finally 3 years later, our 2nd baby was born and everything I had prayed for was here. I learned to be thankful with our first baby and I thought I knew what gratitude was back then, but it was at that moment of our 2nd baby being born, that I really, thought I knew what being grateful was. Until 7 months after he was born and I was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer. Then, again, my whole perspective changed.
I’m giving all of this information and back story so that I can shed some light as to where I’m coming from today. It all goes hand in hand. Everything happens for a reason, right? So now, it’s December 2018 and I’ve got everything I’ve ever wanted, everything I’ve ever asked for and then, I’m diagnosed with breast cancer. Are you (sorry) f*%\ing kidding me? Talk about a curve ball.
Throughout my journey so far, I haven’t dwelled so much. I’ve been able to overcome my struggles, I’ve fought and I’ve helped. I know I have the support from my own family and friends, but sought out support from groups and people who have been where I stand and within the support groups I now go to once a month, I’ve found those people. We call ourselves the friends we’ve never wanted to have. Because we found each other, young and old, because of breast cancer. I go to three different groups and they all are important to me, just as an AA group would be super important for an alcoholic, because these are people who can relate to everything I’m feeling and am going through. I’ve been so proactive in taking control of what I can take control of and I’ve even been asked to help newly diagnosed younger women, as if I am an experienced alumni to these groups. But, I’m not. I’m still in active treatment. I’ve done my research though, have been my own advocate when needed, listened to doctors, gotten multiple professional opinions, I ask questions when I don’t understand something, and am not afraid to sound stupid or naive, AND, yes the biggest achievement throughout this entire process so far, with much help, I’ve been able to parent and navigate this with 2 very young children.
With that being said, when I was first diagnosed, the thought of going through any of this was absolutely beyond terrifying but that was magnetized even more so because my children were babies, our youngest being just 7 months old. Working with young children for so many years and my background in child psychology gave me the ability to be able to help coach my husband through telling our 4 year old, just what he needed to know, but this was all new territory, for the both of us. It was then that I knew I needed to be proactive in finding ways to navigate this with young children. I googled, I found websites and online groups, but to me, nothing is better than coming face to face and having an actual discussion or reading a book by someone who’s encountered similar situations, but every book I came across just stated the ways to look for the positives or to be grateful or how to be happy. I didn’t need that. The people I came across in my groups that I love are absolutely amazing, but most of them are older. They didn’t go through this with young children or were unfortunately younger than me and didn’t even have any children yet. I couldn’t find anyone who was like me. And then I found younger mothers just like me, but just like me they were trying, and are still trying to navigate. There’s really nothing out there solely for young mothers with kids or mothers with kids or young kids. And as cancer doesn’t discriminate, nor does it differentiate, I’m finding that the support that I need, or needed a few months ago definitely differs from others who are older or who don’t have children.
So everything happens for a reason, I’ll say again because I had the ability to reach out to those few younger moms diagnosed with cancer, like me that I now know, and we are all in agreement that the support that I’m describing is something that they could’ve used or could still use and I’ve decided that I’m going to try to help and do something about that. I want to help guide those other newly diagnosed young moms. And as I haven’t thought everything out yet, and this is a relatively new idea, I’m close to putting into action. So this is where you all come in. Unfortunately breast cancer in younger women is becoming very, very common and there are so many being diagnosed now with young kids and most of us unfortunately know one or two or maybe more. If you know of anyone, any young mother either newly diagnosed, diagnosed and going through treatment, or a survivor with young kids and might need support or would want to offer support to others and wouldn’t mind sharing their stories, please put them in contact with me if they wouldn’t mind!! Email me, fb message me, text me, call me!! If you need contact info, let me know!
Everything happens for a reason and I’m DETERMINED more than ever to find all the good in this madness.
Thanks for reading and for your continuous love and support!!!!
💗💪🏻🙏
Saturday, September 14, 2019
Monday, September 2, 2019
September 2, 2019
It’s Monday evening on Labor Day. It’s 6:20pm and I’m sitting outside the front of my house. It’s my new favorite place to sit when I need to take a few moments for myself. I kick my shoes off and relax on my favorite Adirondack chair and even with the occasional noises of cars going by or other neighbors talking, I still find it so extremely peaceful out here. Due to the fact that we have an overhang over our porch, within the past few weeks that have gone by, I’ve even loved sitting out here while it rained. Sometimes Matthew would even come out here and sit with me and we’d just chat or listen to the rain. Right now I’m by myself and I’m ok with that.
I can’t believe it’s September. I think we always say that, as the summer comes to a close. I’m always sad to see the summer come to an end because it’s my favorite season, but this year I’m ok with the months flying by. I’m not trying to rush anything but the faster the days or the months go by, the sooner everything that I’ve been through throughout these past 10 months and am now continuing with over the next few months, will all be behind me because I’ve been through a lot there’s still more. Yes, the tumors were taken out and yes, I am so lucky, and I have always been and will continue to be positive about everything, but to be honest, I’m tired. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. I’m ok, but I’m tired. And I’m not done yet. The fatigue that I feel now is different. I’m not sleepy tired, but I’m just drained almost all of the time. After a full day of being with the kids and trying to stay active, even though I’m still limited in what I can do, my body still hurts. My arms, my shoulders, my back, my left hip especially. And it’s overwhelming at times. Because I’m 38 years old and I have 2 children, one of which is only 16 months old and requires a ton of attention and I want to be able to do things with him like I was able to do with Matthew. I’m determined to do so. But my body still aches and I’m always tired and it’s really hard sometimes.
I’ve been through 16 intense rounds of chemo, a 6 hour surgical procedure, an infection in one of my expanders after the reconstruction which is leaving me unsymmetrical for awhile, drains in and out me for over a month, medications like you wouldn’t believe, a million and a half doctor appointments, and because of my infection I’ve been to my plastic surgeons office so many times we are all becoming good friends... so if anyone ever needs a plastic surgeon I highly recommend my group. And now tomorrow I start my next phase - 28 rounds of radiation.
I haven’t updated in quite some time but so during my double mastectomy surgical procedure, my surgeon also took out lymph nodes to be tested. Turns out that there were traces of cancer cells in one of my lymph nodes and the radiologist that also read my pathology reports confirmed that there was more evidence of disease in other areas of the same left breast, than was shown on the mammogram and other scans that I had done when I was first diagnosed. And that not being founded until that point is unfortunately fairly common, due to dense tissue. So the mastectomy was definitely the way to go. But because of the evidence of more disease and the traces of cancer cells in a lymph node, that determined that radiation was in fact the next step for me. So, I’ll be going daily for what is called proton radiation therapy. Proton radiation is a little newer and is not commonly used for breast cancer radiation, but proton radiation will be more targeted to specific areas that need to be hit and therefore will be less harmful to the surrounding organs, especially my heart and taking my age into consideration, my team felt that this was the way to go vs the more commonly used X-ray radiation which kind of encompasses the entire area that is being radiated. One is not better than the other, as both do the exact same thing, but proton radiation is just better at targeting specific areas, which is what I need. But due to the nature of my cancer, I am going to be treated pretty aggressively, I’m being told, to make sure that everything is gotten and to prevent recurrence. And by no means will the side effects be anything like I had while I went through 4 months of intense chemo therapy, but I have to mentally prepare myself once again for the possibilities of what I could feel like. Fatigue for sure, if I’m already feeling it, burns to the areas being treated, and honestly, the unknown right now. I’ll have to go to physical therapy to make sure I keep exercising the side that’s being radiated and I have to stay as active as I can to lessen the fatigue. I trust my medical team completely though and I know everyone is ready to help me with anything I need. This proton therapy is so new that there are only 13 centers in the entire US that offer this kind of treatment. I’m super lucky to have one close enough, but I still have to travel 40 min each way, every day for 28 days, for a session that will last for approximately 30 minutes. It’s what I have to do. The center I’m going to is immaculate though and they offer so much to their patients. I even get to be apart of a graduation ceremony when I’m finished.
So here I go, game face back on, to get through this next step. I know I’ll get through it and compared to everything I’ve already done, I know it will not be nearly as bad, but because of everything I’ve been through already that’s what makes this harder. Because I’m tired. But I’ll find my strength just as I have before and in a few weeks I’ll look back on this part of my journey and I’ll realize how fast it all went by, just as the summer did. I’m not a person who is ever excited for Fall or even Halloween because it means that winter season is right around the corner, but this year I’m ready because by then hopefully it will be the start to being onto better days.
Thinking of all my teacher friends starting up tomorrow or this week! Jamesburg friends- have a great day back tomorrow and I’ll be back as soon as I can!
💗💪🏻🙏
It’s Monday evening on Labor Day. It’s 6:20pm and I’m sitting outside the front of my house. It’s my new favorite place to sit when I need to take a few moments for myself. I kick my shoes off and relax on my favorite Adirondack chair and even with the occasional noises of cars going by or other neighbors talking, I still find it so extremely peaceful out here. Due to the fact that we have an overhang over our porch, within the past few weeks that have gone by, I’ve even loved sitting out here while it rained. Sometimes Matthew would even come out here and sit with me and we’d just chat or listen to the rain. Right now I’m by myself and I’m ok with that.
I can’t believe it’s September. I think we always say that, as the summer comes to a close. I’m always sad to see the summer come to an end because it’s my favorite season, but this year I’m ok with the months flying by. I’m not trying to rush anything but the faster the days or the months go by, the sooner everything that I’ve been through throughout these past 10 months and am now continuing with over the next few months, will all be behind me because I’ve been through a lot there’s still more. Yes, the tumors were taken out and yes, I am so lucky, and I have always been and will continue to be positive about everything, but to be honest, I’m tired. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. I’m ok, but I’m tired. And I’m not done yet. The fatigue that I feel now is different. I’m not sleepy tired, but I’m just drained almost all of the time. After a full day of being with the kids and trying to stay active, even though I’m still limited in what I can do, my body still hurts. My arms, my shoulders, my back, my left hip especially. And it’s overwhelming at times. Because I’m 38 years old and I have 2 children, one of which is only 16 months old and requires a ton of attention and I want to be able to do things with him like I was able to do with Matthew. I’m determined to do so. But my body still aches and I’m always tired and it’s really hard sometimes.
I’ve been through 16 intense rounds of chemo, a 6 hour surgical procedure, an infection in one of my expanders after the reconstruction which is leaving me unsymmetrical for awhile, drains in and out me for over a month, medications like you wouldn’t believe, a million and a half doctor appointments, and because of my infection I’ve been to my plastic surgeons office so many times we are all becoming good friends... so if anyone ever needs a plastic surgeon I highly recommend my group. And now tomorrow I start my next phase - 28 rounds of radiation.
I haven’t updated in quite some time but so during my double mastectomy surgical procedure, my surgeon also took out lymph nodes to be tested. Turns out that there were traces of cancer cells in one of my lymph nodes and the radiologist that also read my pathology reports confirmed that there was more evidence of disease in other areas of the same left breast, than was shown on the mammogram and other scans that I had done when I was first diagnosed. And that not being founded until that point is unfortunately fairly common, due to dense tissue. So the mastectomy was definitely the way to go. But because of the evidence of more disease and the traces of cancer cells in a lymph node, that determined that radiation was in fact the next step for me. So, I’ll be going daily for what is called proton radiation therapy. Proton radiation is a little newer and is not commonly used for breast cancer radiation, but proton radiation will be more targeted to specific areas that need to be hit and therefore will be less harmful to the surrounding organs, especially my heart and taking my age into consideration, my team felt that this was the way to go vs the more commonly used X-ray radiation which kind of encompasses the entire area that is being radiated. One is not better than the other, as both do the exact same thing, but proton radiation is just better at targeting specific areas, which is what I need. But due to the nature of my cancer, I am going to be treated pretty aggressively, I’m being told, to make sure that everything is gotten and to prevent recurrence. And by no means will the side effects be anything like I had while I went through 4 months of intense chemo therapy, but I have to mentally prepare myself once again for the possibilities of what I could feel like. Fatigue for sure, if I’m already feeling it, burns to the areas being treated, and honestly, the unknown right now. I’ll have to go to physical therapy to make sure I keep exercising the side that’s being radiated and I have to stay as active as I can to lessen the fatigue. I trust my medical team completely though and I know everyone is ready to help me with anything I need. This proton therapy is so new that there are only 13 centers in the entire US that offer this kind of treatment. I’m super lucky to have one close enough, but I still have to travel 40 min each way, every day for 28 days, for a session that will last for approximately 30 minutes. It’s what I have to do. The center I’m going to is immaculate though and they offer so much to their patients. I even get to be apart of a graduation ceremony when I’m finished.
So here I go, game face back on, to get through this next step. I know I’ll get through it and compared to everything I’ve already done, I know it will not be nearly as bad, but because of everything I’ve been through already that’s what makes this harder. Because I’m tired. But I’ll find my strength just as I have before and in a few weeks I’ll look back on this part of my journey and I’ll realize how fast it all went by, just as the summer did. I’m not a person who is ever excited for Fall or even Halloween because it means that winter season is right around the corner, but this year I’m ready because by then hopefully it will be the start to being onto better days.
Thinking of all my teacher friends starting up tomorrow or this week! Jamesburg friends- have a great day back tomorrow and I’ll be back as soon as I can!
💗💪🏻🙏
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