July 12th 2019
It’s amazing how time really flies by. I mean we experience it everyday with our kids, our jobs, our daily lives, but how often do we sit down and really reflect on the time that has gone by? I love to reflect. It’s something that I’ve grown accustomed to because it reminds me of where I’ve been and how far I’ve come with anything I’ve done and how I want to improve or do differently. This practice has absolutely benefited me in every aspect of my life.
Back in December when my journey with breast cancer began, of course I went through the mental and emotional challenges of why me but never did I let it phase me. I’m a very, very structured person who loves to have a plan in place and I guess you can say maybe spiritual in a way, where I believe that everything that happens in our lives happens for a reason, so as I looked back on all of my life experiences I couldn’t help to think not why me, but how me...how was I led to this point? And although both questions of how I was led to this point and why I was given this journey will never be answered and I’m ok with that, I always have and will always still truly believe in my heart that everything, all of my life experiences thus far have built me up and have made me strong enough to not only fight this battle, but to win this battle.
Although my journey isn’t over yet, tonight I feel victorious. Since the day of my biopsy back in December I promised myself that I would take everything step by step, and I’ve followed that since. Whether it be minute by minute, hours by hours, days by days, weeks by weeks, milestone by milestone, everything has been and continues to be a checklist in my mind. After my procedure on July 1st, I was left with 4 drains and omg were they uncomfortable. But with everything I’ve been through, the drains by far were nothing except for a nuisance. During the weeks of chemo my checklist was minute by minute, sometimes hour by hour, then day by day. Then it was procedure time and my checklist was milestone by milestone- ok surgery done, check. Got out of hospital, check. Can sleep on couch recliner, check. And every day that I could do a little bit more, was a check. Getting 2 drains out during my plastic surgeon visit this past Monday at only a week out of my procedure, check!! Ok next appointment is Friday and hopefully these last 2 drains can come out. Check! They were taken out! One more thing crossed off my list! Another milestone completed. No more drains in me and I’m only 12 days post procedure.
It’s hard to put into words and to describe what I’m actually feeling but if I try, I can say that tonight I feel free. I’ve never climbed an actual mountain but I think I can equate my feelings to something of the sort. All this time I truly felt like I’ve been climbing a mountain. I was tired and sore, pushing myself to keep going little by little. And with every milestone crossed off my list, the higher I’ve climbed on this mountain and tonight I feel like I’ve made it to the top. I can breathe a little easier, I can think a little bit clearer, except for when my chemo brain comes into play and I can’t remember something lol, and tonight I just feel stronger. And as I said before we don’t know if my journey is over yet, but I feel at peace with where I am. Tonight im sitting in my backyard but it’s almost if I’m standing on top of that mountain looking around. I had dinner tonight with friends, celebrating my milestone with good food and a glass of wine, and now as I sit here in silence, the moon is out, the sky has amazing colors, and the fireflies are starting to dance. I’m feeling gratitude for everything around me.
So what happens now....
Thursday, July 18th, that’s next on my checklist because that’s when we’ll hopefully find out about what the next step is. It could be radiation, it could be I don’t need radiation, it could be something else. But for this weekend I’m choosing not to think about it. I’m choosing to celebrate where I’ve been and what I’ve accomplished, and where I am today. The adrenaline rush after getting these drains out is crazy. Don’t worry, I’m not going overboard. I will still take it easy and follow my directions of not lifting and still not doing too much, but I’m headed into this weekend feeling amazing. I’ve never in my life ever doubted myself at anything I’ve done, but now I feel more than ever before that I can do anything and I can handle anything. Nothing can phase me and nothing can bring me down. Tonight I feel amazing. And with my new look that I was finally brave enough to reveal this week....maybe even a little badass, as my husband likes to say.
I was always tough before, but now I’m feeling tougher than ever. I’m still the same old Michele, but with a whole new outlook and perspective. I’m never thankful for my cancer, but I’m thankful for what my cancer has taught me. Everything happens for a reason....
Enjoy your weekend!! I sure am going to enjoy mine and sorry if I clog up your newsfeed with pics!!!
Michele 💗💪🏻😁
Saturday, July 13, 2019
Sunday, July 7, 2019
Sunday July 7, 2019
8:30pm
A week ago at this exact time I was in my dad’s car headed for some ice cream. It was the night before my surgery and a few hours prior to this, I had gone to the beach and the pool with Jason and the kids and had the best day. We came home from our fun day sometime around 3:30/4pm and the mood changed. Due to the fact that I had to be at the hospital at 5:30am Monday morning, Matthew needed to be driven to camp, and Ryan needed to be cared for all day on Monday, best plan we could come up with was for Jason, Matthew and Ryan to stay over Jason’s parents house and for me to stay over my parents house Sunday night. Matthew was uneasy about staying over anywhere without Jason and so my in-laws didn’t have to be at our house by 4:30am, this was just the best scenario. My parents would take me to the hospital Monday morning, Jason would meet us there, and my in-laws would drive Matthew to camp and then keep Ryan for the day. So when we got home from the pool, bags needed to be packed. That’s when the moods started to change.
We had sat down with Matthew just the day before on Saturday and explained to him that mommy would be going to the hospital for a day or two. We called a family meeting again and this time when it was my turn to talk I said so remember this boo boo that mommy has over here? Well now that the special medicine worked and made mommy’s boo boo go away, now mommy’s boo boo has to be taken out and it has to be done by doctors at the hospital. But once it’s out mommy will be better, but I’ll stay for a night or two and then I’ll come home. And I’ll need to rest for a bit but in just a few weeks I’ll be ok. He just sat and looked at me with wide eyes and a slightly tilted head. He was processing. I said so not tomorrow but on Monday, in 2 days, mommy will go to the hospital, just like when I had to go to the hospital when Ryan was born. At this point Matthew started jumping around. Yoga, karate kicks, rolling on the floor. I was careful with what was said next. Obviously he was letting something out. I told him about our plan for Sunday night’s sleepover and he said ok mommy. That was it. He said can I go play now? And off he went. So he obviously at 5 years old had no concept of when this would actually be happening so Sunday when we got back and Jason started getting bags together, Matthew thought nothing of it. So I figured I’d better remind him, gently.
I sat next to him on the couch and said hey buddy remember the plan we spoke about? He said yeah... so I said well that’s happening tonight. You are going to Grammy and grandpa’s house tonight and tomorrow mommy is going to the hospital. His eyes glued to the tv but I knew he was listening as I could see his eyes getting watery. So I leaned over gave him a kiss and said but mommy will be ok. The boo boo will be out and I’ll be all better. And you can call me and FaceTime me and whatever you need. He said I want to come see you. I said at the hospital? He said yes. I said well I’m going to have wires in me like when Ryan was born and in bed and I’m not sure you would want to see that. He said I do. I really do mommy. So I told him that we would figure out a good time for him to come. And then, because I knew he needed some cheering up and because boys will be boys, the way to this boys heart these days is with, yes, potty words. And with everything this boy has been through in the past year with a new baby and then cancer with me, as long as it’s only in this house, I don’t care one bit. Anyone who knows our Matthew knows he’s the kindest, sweetest, most respectful, boy so a few potty words here or there, like I said in the house, doesn’t phase me at all. My motto these days is if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. So I leaned over and said hey Matthew I have something funny to tell you. He said what? Eyes still glued to the tv. I leaned over more and quietly said his favorite word these days.... butt. He immediately started laughing and rolled over on the couch and started joking around with me. I said you know what? I’ll even FaceTime you later and say Butt just to cheer you up. He’s hysterical at this point. He’s going to be fine. Just gotta get through these next few days.
So here we are, 8:30pm last Sunday night, about 3 hours after all 3 of my boys left, and my dad had just come to pick me up. We swung back to my parents house and my mom and my sister, who came down to be here for the surgery, both hopped in the car and we drove for some ice cream. I wasn’t really able to eat all day but ice cream I could totally do. I got some mint chocolate chip with rainbow sprinkles and it was delicious. And while I was eating my ice cream, my phone rang for FaceTime. It was my Matthew. Hi Mommy, remember what you said you’d say to me? Of course I do. So standing there in the middle of Cranbury at our favorite Gil and Bert’s I said Butts and we laughed hysterically and I didn’t care at all if anyone heard me.
We drove back to my parents house. The mood that evening was a little uneasy, although everyone was fine and supportive. I actually ended up falling asleep at some point. I woke up at 4:40am, we were in the car by 5am and I was ready to go. Game face on, let’s do this!!
Get this cancer out of me!!!
Obviously you all know now I’m on the road to recovery, as tomorrow I’ll be a week out of surgery already but it’s taken some time to process everything. Now that I’m coming to terms with everything I’ll definitely be writing more about my experiences these past few days. So if you want to know more, stay tuned....
💗💪🏻🙏👍🏻
8:30pm
A week ago at this exact time I was in my dad’s car headed for some ice cream. It was the night before my surgery and a few hours prior to this, I had gone to the beach and the pool with Jason and the kids and had the best day. We came home from our fun day sometime around 3:30/4pm and the mood changed. Due to the fact that I had to be at the hospital at 5:30am Monday morning, Matthew needed to be driven to camp, and Ryan needed to be cared for all day on Monday, best plan we could come up with was for Jason, Matthew and Ryan to stay over Jason’s parents house and for me to stay over my parents house Sunday night. Matthew was uneasy about staying over anywhere without Jason and so my in-laws didn’t have to be at our house by 4:30am, this was just the best scenario. My parents would take me to the hospital Monday morning, Jason would meet us there, and my in-laws would drive Matthew to camp and then keep Ryan for the day. So when we got home from the pool, bags needed to be packed. That’s when the moods started to change.
We had sat down with Matthew just the day before on Saturday and explained to him that mommy would be going to the hospital for a day or two. We called a family meeting again and this time when it was my turn to talk I said so remember this boo boo that mommy has over here? Well now that the special medicine worked and made mommy’s boo boo go away, now mommy’s boo boo has to be taken out and it has to be done by doctors at the hospital. But once it’s out mommy will be better, but I’ll stay for a night or two and then I’ll come home. And I’ll need to rest for a bit but in just a few weeks I’ll be ok. He just sat and looked at me with wide eyes and a slightly tilted head. He was processing. I said so not tomorrow but on Monday, in 2 days, mommy will go to the hospital, just like when I had to go to the hospital when Ryan was born. At this point Matthew started jumping around. Yoga, karate kicks, rolling on the floor. I was careful with what was said next. Obviously he was letting something out. I told him about our plan for Sunday night’s sleepover and he said ok mommy. That was it. He said can I go play now? And off he went. So he obviously at 5 years old had no concept of when this would actually be happening so Sunday when we got back and Jason started getting bags together, Matthew thought nothing of it. So I figured I’d better remind him, gently.
I sat next to him on the couch and said hey buddy remember the plan we spoke about? He said yeah... so I said well that’s happening tonight. You are going to Grammy and grandpa’s house tonight and tomorrow mommy is going to the hospital. His eyes glued to the tv but I knew he was listening as I could see his eyes getting watery. So I leaned over gave him a kiss and said but mommy will be ok. The boo boo will be out and I’ll be all better. And you can call me and FaceTime me and whatever you need. He said I want to come see you. I said at the hospital? He said yes. I said well I’m going to have wires in me like when Ryan was born and in bed and I’m not sure you would want to see that. He said I do. I really do mommy. So I told him that we would figure out a good time for him to come. And then, because I knew he needed some cheering up and because boys will be boys, the way to this boys heart these days is with, yes, potty words. And with everything this boy has been through in the past year with a new baby and then cancer with me, as long as it’s only in this house, I don’t care one bit. Anyone who knows our Matthew knows he’s the kindest, sweetest, most respectful, boy so a few potty words here or there, like I said in the house, doesn’t phase me at all. My motto these days is if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. So I leaned over and said hey Matthew I have something funny to tell you. He said what? Eyes still glued to the tv. I leaned over more and quietly said his favorite word these days.... butt. He immediately started laughing and rolled over on the couch and started joking around with me. I said you know what? I’ll even FaceTime you later and say Butt just to cheer you up. He’s hysterical at this point. He’s going to be fine. Just gotta get through these next few days.
So here we are, 8:30pm last Sunday night, about 3 hours after all 3 of my boys left, and my dad had just come to pick me up. We swung back to my parents house and my mom and my sister, who came down to be here for the surgery, both hopped in the car and we drove for some ice cream. I wasn’t really able to eat all day but ice cream I could totally do. I got some mint chocolate chip with rainbow sprinkles and it was delicious. And while I was eating my ice cream, my phone rang for FaceTime. It was my Matthew. Hi Mommy, remember what you said you’d say to me? Of course I do. So standing there in the middle of Cranbury at our favorite Gil and Bert’s I said Butts and we laughed hysterically and I didn’t care at all if anyone heard me.
We drove back to my parents house. The mood that evening was a little uneasy, although everyone was fine and supportive. I actually ended up falling asleep at some point. I woke up at 4:40am, we were in the car by 5am and I was ready to go. Game face on, let’s do this!!
Get this cancer out of me!!!
Obviously you all know now I’m on the road to recovery, as tomorrow I’ll be a week out of surgery already but it’s taken some time to process everything. Now that I’m coming to terms with everything I’ll definitely be writing more about my experiences these past few days. So if you want to know more, stay tuned....
💗💪🏻🙏👍🏻
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