Saturday January 26, 2019

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking again. Because I’m finding myself in situations where I’m having tough times because my perspective on things have changed. And I’m
ok with my perspectives now. I actually like them better. I just have to find a way cope with my new perspectives. Which I’m learning to do. Everything is still so new.

I’ve been through a lot in my life, as I know I’m sure as you are reading this you say well I have been too. As I’m sure if you are one of those people, then I’m sure you have. And no ones “a lot” is compared to anyone else’s. I’ve never walked in your shoes, as you’ve never walked in mine. But because of everything I’ve been through in the past and now am continuing to go through I’ve always been and maybe more so now a very, very mindful person. I’m always careful of what I say to others. And not because I need to sensor myself. I’m just naturally empathetic. I’ve learned to be because you just never know what’s going on behind someone else’s closed doors.

And here’s where my vulnerability will come into play. But it’s ok because why not, I have nothing to hide anymore. If I upset you I’m sorry, if I offend you I’m sorry. But I always knew I wanted to write a book one day and here’s my platform to start. If I write a book, one day everyone will know about me anyways and I eventually want to use my experiences to help better others.

I won’t go into specifics on here, but I’m always willing to talk personally about anything. What I’ve been through- well, I’ve been a victim of severe bullying. It was terrible. All throughout middle school. I pledged a sorority in college that left me in the hospital. I obviously turned out ok but it was another rough time. I’ve dealt with cancer with other family members, death of one of those closest family members, my aunt, and a birth of my first son at the same time, miscarriages, infertility, surgeries, close friends dying, jobless days, family members not talking to us then talking to us then not talking to us, disloyal friends. What I ever did wrong? I have no idea. But what could I do? Heart aches and other issues. Yes we all have them. I could go on and on but that’s not the point of this writing.

The point of this is I may look like a quiet, shy person. But don’t mistake my quietness for weakness because of my experiences I’m actually a pretty tough person. So tough. That’s why this cancer. I’m not worried. I know I’ll be ok in the end. It’s all the stuff in the middle that’s scary. But if I remember what made me into the person I am today I remember I’m strong and I can do anything.

So these days when someone tells me they can’t do something hard, I don’t know how to respond. Because if I can get through knowing I caught something early enough that could’ve resulted in my death if it wasn’t found, if I could get through bone pain and chills and aches, and nausea and all the drugs I’m on that I can count on with both hands that just doesn’t last for 2 or 3 days like the flu but will last for months. If I can get through surgery that’s literally taking off 2 of my body parts. If I can get through losing my hair, which might not seem like much but to someone who hates her hair short or up, it’s a big thing. I spent my afternoon today at a wig store. A wig store. So eventually I can have hair again if I want. I sat with Matthew 3 nights ago and he helped me pick out and order headscarves. I had to tell my son that his mommy is sick. I can’t work. My scalp is beginning to hurt. I get random aches. And I know others probably do too. But mine is because of cancer drugs. I have a port by my clavicle attached to veins in my neck. I can feel my port all of the time. The point of all of this- no I’m not complaining and you’ll never hear me complain- unless you are my parents, my sister or my husband lol. If I can get through having cancer. Cancer with 2 babies at home. You, whoever you are reading this, CAN and will get through anything else that seems hard.

I didn’t think I could get through anything that seemed hard before. But I did. And here I am. And I’ll be here a year from now, a lifetime from now to tell you how I got through this hurdle being thrown at me, at my family, at my kids.

This writing is not directed at any one person. But to anyone who needs to be uplifted. I want to be someone’s inspiration to know that there is a means to an end with anything and if I can do everything I’ve done and now this, you whoever you are, can and will do and get through ANYTHING. 💗😊💪🏻

Sunday January 20, 2019

It’s Sunday morning, 4 days after my first treatment and the first morning in days where my mind isn’t a big blur. I’m actually sitting here holding Ryan as he sleeps because I haven’t really been able to hold him in days. Partly because of my port, I’m not supposed to lift him, partly because I’ve been so loopy that I didn’t trust myself to hold him for longer than a few seconds. As I sit here looking at this beautiful boy I can’t help but feel a little emotional right now. What I’m having to go through, what I did just go through. It’s like the dark clouds are slowly parting and my brain can think again. I’m starting to process all that I just went through and I honestly can say that I literally just fought a war inside my own body and I felt every.single. bit of it. And I wouldn’t wish anything I’ve just experienced on my worst enemies. No one. Unless you are someone who has physically experienced this, the only way to really describe it, is as I’ve done above. I know some of you were interested in knowing how everything went the last few days so I figured while my brain is able function a bit more again I’d write a little bit. I’m not all back to normal though so I hope my writing is ok.

So Wednesday morning.  Jason is with me. I get my port put in. It’s an hour procedure, nothing too crazy, but at that moment on the table, it becomes real. I’m having something implanted into my body. That will stay will me until this whole journey is over. This thing inside my body is going to help save me because it’s the lifeline to my meds. Thankfully they sedate me for this and I get it done.

Wednesday afternoon. We called it game time. First I get bloodwork, then I see my oncologist who explains everything to me once more before we begin. Are you ready? he asks. Ready as I’ll ever be. Let’s do it. I get escorted to to fusion room. Jason stays with me. The nurses sit me in a chair. It’s heated. I get blankets. It reclines. I get set up with my water and snacks besides me, sucking candies for when they flush my port.  The nurse and I talk for a bit. And then she starts. 4 different fluids pushed- an anti anxiety med concoction to help relax me and then my 2 chemo drugs. All took about 2 hrs and I just either slept or talked to Jason. I wasn’t uncomfortable and I didn’t feel a thing then. Then it was over and we went home.

We got home and I just felt tired. Very tired. But was told the more tired I am just means that my body is fighting and the meds are working. I felt a bit queasy and I was hungry but nothing was appealing to me. After crackers, toast, tea, etc someone suggested a vanilla milkshake. I tried it and it worked! Coated my stomach and I felt so much better. Come to find out my aunt who had ovarian cancer swore by vanilla milkshakes after chemo. Now we know why.

Wednesday night passed and I went to bed. Thursday morning wasn’t too bad. I got up and took all my meds- 7 of them by the way, and was ok. Ryan was taken out for the day so I went for my 30 min walk and rested and was doing alright. Then that evening was time for my nuelasta injection. Normally you’d have to return to the infusion place to get this nuelasta injection which helps with white blood cells. But now it’s an in home injection. They place this small plastic container on you which has adhesive on the bottom with the medicine in it and at a certain time it injects for 45 min.  So 7:30pm Thursday night that’s when I had my injection. I felt nothing during and went to bed again fine Thursday night. Then Friday came. My mom came over to help me and stay with Ryan. And for the most part I was fine. Was tired. I slept a lot. I went to acupuncture. Picked Matthew up from school myself. I was fine until about 6pm. So almost 24 hrs later after the injection is when the side effects kicked in. This is the war my body fought. Brain fog, dizzy, queasy, muscle aches, head aches, I just literally couldn’t move. Couldn’t handle too much noise and lights. Concentrating on anything wasn’t happening. I ended up going to bed at 7pm Friday night, slept all the way until 6am the next morning. Saturday morning thought I was ok. Nope. All the same things. My dad came over today to help and kept me company while Jason was out with the kids. Needless to say either all my meds or the chemo meds are making me anxious as anything. I feel like I have restless body syndrome. I want to rest I need to rest but my body feels like it has to keep going. The dizziness and the headaches were the worst. By 6:30pm I had had enough and went into bed. By 7pm I was asleep and slept again until almost 8am this morning. This morning I’m doing better. Still this restlessness feeling but if that’s the worst of it today I’ll be ok.

Now here I am.  I sit here and I can actually begin to actually think again. I’m calling this the storm clouds are beginning to part their ways. So today I’ll relax a bit more. And I’m sure by tomorrow I’ll be able to see the sun shine again. Then will enjoy every minute of the next few days. After tomorrow there are only 9 days until the next storm comes....

January 13, 2019

One more hurdle jumped over- Matthew now knows. Telling him wasn’t terrible at all like I thought it would be. We called it our first official family meeting. He was excited for this because everyone had something they wanted to talk about. First Matthew went and he wanted to talk about the stars. He told me what he knew about stars and asked me questions about stars and it was a very fun discussion. Jason said he wanted to talk about how much he loves all of us and told us all what he loves about each one of us. Then it was my turn. I took a deep breath and said it plain and simple - mommy has a little boo boo and I pointed to the area of where it is. My wonderful compassionate son that he is said here mommy I’ll make it feel better. He held out his hand to rub my boo boo. I thanked him and hugged him and then explained a little further that this boo boo is actually making mommy a little sick. He said oh no mommy do you have a tummy ache?? I said sometimes I could. I said you know how you get a sore throat and we go to the doctor to get checked and sometimes we get medicine to make you all better? Well mommy is going to have to go to a doctor to get very special medicine and it will make me all better but this medicine might make some funny things happen. I might be really really tired and want to sleep a lot, I may get a tummy ache, and you know something really funny? It’s going to make mommy’s hair look a little bit different. It’s going to make some of mommy’s hair even come out and I may have hair as short as you and then maybe none at all, as I laughed and slapped my leg to make light of it. I paused to gage my next sentence off of his response or reaction. Matthew sat there looking at me with this surprised, wide eyed, straight lipped face and simply said, well that’s weird. I said yeah it’s pretty weird right? And we laughed. I said so mommy might not have hair. That’s ok right? But I’m still mommy and nothing else about me or us changes.  And  I’ll have these really pretty head scarves and hats and maybe I’ll even get a wig- and I explained what a wig is. Then I said that I had bought a special head scarf already and it’s white and I bought fabric markers because I thought it would be fun for us or for you to decorate it for me. And then when mommy goes to get her special medicine I’ll always wear it. His eyes lit up. Yes! He’s said I’ll make suns and hearts and roses and flowers and everything you love mommy and I’ll write my name and your name so you’ll always have it. He is just simply the best boy. Best best boy. Then I said you know what’s even better? We are going to have so much help here. If mommy is a little tired or not feeling well and can’t help out in the house much and daddy needs a little help we’ll have so many people to help us. All of your grandparents and Aunt Lori and her family and  the rest of our family and friends. We will have so much help and we get to have people bring us dinner sometimes too. Isn’t that so cool?? Again his eyes lit up.  Now I know he obviously cannot truly comprehend anything that I said about me being sick and what the medicine will do but I have a very confident strong feeling that no matter what happens, Matthew will be ok. He’s strong and kind and compassionate and sweet and caring and everything else under the sun. I told him if he ever has any questions he can always ask and we spoke about who he could talk to about anything if he needed to. We also made certain that he knew that it’s nothing he can get sick with or catch and he seemed to understand that. And that was it. He hugged me and then we went back to playing, as he continued to jump and roll and play with Ryan, laughing, smiling. Not anything like I thought about how this conversation would go. I feel so much better.  Onto the next venture....

January 6th 2019

I’m finding that the weekends, especially those days where we are at home and have nothing at all planned, are the hardest to get through. You’d think it would be the complete opposite- everyone hanging out together all day would make it easier, but it just isn’t the case. At least not today. But it could be the product of the days prior to this. Winter break, everyone home, running out to just get out, running to doctors or other appointments. I don’t think I’ve actually had a moment of down time, with quiet, baby sleeping, no commotion, maybe mindless tv, since before Christmas. Yeah we get the 9pm quiet time. But that’s different because these days we are always anticipating Ryan waking. Teething, baby nightmares, maybe separation anxiety. Who knows. Daytime quiet is just different, if that ever happens anymore. 

Today is Sunday. It’s 11:15pm. It’s exactly 4 weeks today that this all started and it was exactly 12 hours ago at only 11:15am I said to myself that couldn’t wait to close my eyes for a bit at some point today. I’m finding that I’m getting tired more than usual. Stress, emotions, kids, life. It’s a lot. So here we are 12 hours later and I never did close my eyes once today and I’m obviously still awake. 

When we are all home together there’s always something going on. Matthew was a little off today and was a bit testy, Jason is doing whatever he’s doing, Ryan is playing, he’s crying....  there’s never a dull moment. When it’s just me and Ryan, there’s down time. When it’s just me and Matthew, there’s down time. When it’s all of us, there is no down time. And the few minutes when I think there will be down time, Matthew gets a burst of energy and is trying to play tag, and Ryan is trying to pull himself up on furniture now so someone needs to be near him, but there’s a load of laundry that needs to be changed, kids that need to be fed. Ryan wants Jason but Jason leaves the room so there’s screaming. Sitting for longer than 5 min just doesn’t happen because there’s always something that needs to be done. Even just handling Ryan today for me was just hard. I could go out somewhere, but I don’t want to leave. So I find myself having to take a break in another room, which results in guilt. Not because Jason is taking care of the kids- because he’s absolutely capable, he’s their father and is hands down the best with the both of them, but because I don’t want Matthew saying something like why is mommy in another room and not with us? I mean I know it’s not the worst thing in the world for him to know that mommy just needed a little quiet time, but my guilt is why? Why do I need to sit away from the kids when I could be enjoying this precious time with them? And he still doesn’t know anything so I don’t want him to get a sense of anything. That soon will change. My anxiety was just a lot to handle today. 

And I was anxious just about all day today. The kind of anxiety that leaves a pit in your stomach and where you can feel your blood running and pumping through you. For what reason? I have no idea. I should be feeling relief, not anxiety. I got the best news ever that there’s no evidence of my cancer spreading. So, pardon my language, but what the hell is wrong with me? 

So I’m sitting here sipping my Stay Calm tea, my little Steeped Tea plug there, and I just think for a bit. What is my problem? Maybe it’s because Ryan still has trouble sleeping through the night and I pick him up now but soon I won’t be able to hold him for a number of weeks? And when I do hold him and he’s lying across my chest or lying upright facing me with his head upon my shoulder and I feel a couple of stinging pains from the ever so light pressure, that it’s a constant reminder of what I still have going on inside me. Or that I feel these pains sometimes without him lying on me. Or it’s still knowing that Matthew has to be told something, and even though it’s not anything nearly as bad as it could’ve been, a 4 year old doesn’t understand severity and to him I’m still going to be sick. Or maybe it’s still the unknown of when this procedure will actually be and it’s been 4 weeks exactly since I found what I found and I really just want this s@*# out of me. Or maybe it’s that I actually found a new lump the night before. Same side, different area. Doesn’t mean anything although I’ll cal my dr, because CT scans were clear. And will all be gone soon enough. Have an appointment with her again on Wednesday. 

Now it’s 11:33pm. Ryan has been asleep since 7pm but has been up 3 times so far and  hearing Matthew is a bit stuffy now and coughing slightly. I know this could have the potential to be a long night between the both of them. Not even a long night for me that much, but a long night for Jason. And it’s almost midnight and I’m sure Ryan will be up for the day before 6am. Once I’m asleep, these days I’m asleep and I haven’t been getting up for Ryan. Jason is taking it all. He says I need my rest. He’s right, but again the guilt. Partly because Jason hasn’t been sleeping much either and guilt that it’s me not picking up the baby. And tomorrow is Monday. Matthew goes to school Mondays and I hate to say it but I’m hoping he stays ok and can still go tomorrow. I always love when he’s home but tomorrow I was looking forward to a quiet day. Please no fever. Please be ok. More guilt for even thinking that. Because then I’ll have both kids tomorrow. And I know I have people to help me. I’ll ask for it if I need it. But that means more people in my house and although I’m undoubtedly grateful for that help, as I said before, I was really looking forward to a quiet day. Maybe a play date with the baby at some point and a friend for something to do. But a play date for Ryan is still a bit easier than having both boys home tomorrow. 

As I’m writing this I guess I’m starting to feel a little better. Maybe it’s the therapeutic nature of this writing process or maybe it’s the amazing St John’s Wort in my tea. As of right now, I don’t know if I’ll post this one yet. Maybe one day I will. Because it’s good for others to see what goes on when someone has cancer, especially with 2 young kids at home. Life never ever stops. And just because my cancer hasn’t spread doesn’t mean I can’t still feel awful inside about this whole experience. Yes I am positive, I won’t let it take me over, but there are days where this can just down right suck. And today was just one of those days. 

So now it’s Monday. And I decided I will post my blog today. For whatever reason, I feel better every time I do. Matthew is fine and went to school. Ryan was up before 6am and Jason got him. I’ve been relaxing and playing with Ryan all morning and he’s napping right now. So I get to sit. All is good. Today I’m calm. I’ll take Ryan out in a bit and get Matthew later. Jason even cooked dinner for tonight last night so I wouldn’t have to bother. I’m looking up reconstruction surgeons and will make an appointment for hopefully sometime next week. Get this ball rolling more and soon enough I’ll start to feel better.  I’m just so beyond grateful for the unbelievable support system I have. 

January 5, 2019

I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching. Mostly because, the way I see it, after all of this is said and done I’m basically being given a second chance.

I went for my CT scan on Thursday followed by an appointment with my oncologist and it was determined that there is no evidence of systemic disease. So that means my cancer hasn’t spread. What a relief! So now we wait for more reports for more information. We wait for my oncotype which is how much at risk I am for a reoccurrence, we wait for my genetic testing to see if I’m at risk for any other types of cancer, we wait for my lymph node biopsy because even though my cancer hasn’t spread to other areas of my body, I still need to have a sentinel biopsy to test the lymph nodes to be certain there are no cancer cells within them, and we wait for more information regarding the tumors themselves from when they are dissected after removal during my mastectomy. All of this will determine the chemo I’ll need. But one step at a time.

Right now at least we know that there’s no metastasis and that was the biggest unknown that I needed answered. I go to my surgeon Wednesday and back to my oncologist Thursday so we’ll get more answers soon enough.

So after this is all said and done, once my surgery is done and any attacking is needed from chemo and radiation, I at least know I’ll be completely disease free. This could’ve been so much worse.

So I soul search and know how differently I want to do things, and realize the things that truly matter, and the people that are most important, and the directions in life I’d like to pursue. I mean I always knew these things in the back of my mind, but how many times do we push our own needs aside because there isn’t enough time or things just get in the way. That just simply cannot happen anymore. Because life can be too short and things like cancer can happen to anyone. And not even cancer but any type of illness. We need to make the most out of everything we’ve got. There’s no time for pettiness and unsupportive people. There is time for forgiveness and redirection. Spend time with the people who are most important, get rid of the ones who bring you down, if they can’t change themselves. Set your goals and dreams and do them. Be open minded but also but be firm with what you stand for. Be kind. Always be kind. You never ever know what is going on behind closed doors or in someone else’s mind, life, etc. Help people to rise up instead of bringing them down. If you get mad at someone, tell them what they did and figure out a way to make things better instead of getting rid of them. Communication is a wonderful tool. We all shouldn’t feel as if we are expendable to others because of something we may say or do differently or do wrong in someone else’s mind. Speak up when necessary but really hear what others are saying to you.

I’ve always thought like this. But I will now more so than ever before. I’m not done soul searching yet, though it’s a great start. But I thought I’d share what I’ve come up with so far. I love helping others and maybe I can help someone else.

Sunday December 30th

Yesterday was my 38th birthday. This year my birthday was a little bit different than most years. No one wants to be told at all, nevertheless days before a birthday, that they have stage 3 cancer. But then again I’m so lucky because I can celebrate another birthday. First birthday as a mom of 2, first birthday with cancer. Such a weird feeling.

Matthew has been winding up in our bed more than usual lately, later into the night, so of course he was right there next to me in the morning and I hear “Mommy, Mommy it’s your birthday!!” And I get to open my eyes and see his cute little face smiling at me. He was so excited that it was finally mommy’s birthday and seeing him so excited to celebrate my birthday with me, was just the best feeling. We’ve never ever had Matthew sleep in our bed as much as he has been lately, but honestly with things changing in the next few weeks and all of this unknown, I love it and will take every chance that I get to wake up and see his face in the morning. He led me out into the kitchen and there waiting for me was Jason, Ryan, and a table full of presents, cards and flowers. I had a good feeling that today would be a good day. Put everything aside and just enjoy this day.

This year I wanted to spend my birthday with my husband and my kids.  I wanted quality time with everyone and to see Matthew, and possibly Ryan, having fun. Thinking for days about what we could do, we had never been to the Crayola Factory so we decided to take a ride. Aside from the crowds and the lack of space needed to be able to maneuver with a stroller, we had a great time together. Kids napped in the car on the way home and I caught up on messages, texts, and posts, and just felt so heart-warmed by everyone who reached out to me.

We came home, relaxed and I got my presents. We did things backwards and had cake first, then dinner. And it was just the kind of day that I needed.

Today I woke up and knew that I was being taken out for my birthday again, but this was just for me and Jason. He planned the whole day but I had no idea what we were doing. Jason and I have been together for 14 years and obviously he knows me well. When things start going crazy, the ocean is where I find my way. So that’s where he took me. Lunch, massages, and dinner all overlooking the ocean. And again we had a great day together.

I used this day as my last hurrah. Not that I’ve been eating badly, because I really haven’t been, but in a few weeks my eating will definitely be changing regardless. I might have to stick to certain foods, definitely will always have to eat healthier, and once my chemo starts, who knows what I’ll even have a taste for anymore. So today, in moderation, I ate and I drank, and just enjoyed myself. And just for a bit I was able to forget about everything.  One of the most amazing massages, I have to say. If anyone is ever in need of a great massage, I’d highly recommend the spa at Ocean Place Resort in Long Branch.

But then the end of the night came. Dinner was over and it was time to head back home. Reality started to set back in and just for a little bit, my emotions got the best of me. I didn’t want to leave because leaving meant everything would be real again. Because for a few hours today it all disappeared. It wasn’t a super cold night thankfully, so we walked to the railing next to the restaurant on the boardwalk and we just stood there. We stood in silence and watched the waves crashing and the moon reflecting off the water. This is something that is extremely hard to put into words, but I’m going to try. I needed to stand here like this because in my mind at that very moment I didn’t know if I’d ever be able to look at the world or this place in the same way ever again. Peacefully. With everything I’m about to face, yes I’m staying positive but I don’t know what my outlook will be like in a year from now. I don’t know what I’ll look like, feel like, how I’ll view things. So right now I stand here like this. We stand here together and soak it all in.

Deep down inside I know I’m going to be ok. It’s just what I’m going to have to endure to actually get there. Sometimes I can’t even comprehend what will be taking place in only a matter of days from now. It doesn’t even seem like this is real because I feel fine. I don’t look sick, I don’t feel sick, but I am in fact sick and it’s hard to wrap my head around it.

I have been through a lot in my life to make me a strong, strong person. Those of you who know me well know that I’m always looking for a reason to why things happen and why things are the way they are. Although I can’t really find the reason yet for what is happening now, I sure can say that with everything I’ve been through up until now, I’ve been being made to be strong for this time. All the roads lead to this. The biggest battle there is. If I wasn’t made this strong from everything up until now,  who knows what I’d be like today. But I was made strong. Everything happens for a reason and I finally figured it all out.

So this birthday was definitely a little different this year. Thankful that I got to spend this birthday the way I did, grateful that I am able to turn 38, and hopeful for what is to come.

This birthday will definitely be one to remember.