Saturday January 26, 2019

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking again. Because I’m finding myself in situations where I’m having tough times because my perspective on things have changed. And I’m
ok with my perspectives now. I actually like them better. I just have to find a way cope with my new perspectives. Which I’m learning to do. Everything is still so new.

I’ve been through a lot in my life, as I know I’m sure as you are reading this you say well I have been too. As I’m sure if you are one of those people, then I’m sure you have. And no ones “a lot” is compared to anyone else’s. I’ve never walked in your shoes, as you’ve never walked in mine. But because of everything I’ve been through in the past and now am continuing to go through I’ve always been and maybe more so now a very, very mindful person. I’m always careful of what I say to others. And not because I need to sensor myself. I’m just naturally empathetic. I’ve learned to be because you just never know what’s going on behind someone else’s closed doors.

And here’s where my vulnerability will come into play. But it’s ok because why not, I have nothing to hide anymore. If I upset you I’m sorry, if I offend you I’m sorry. But I always knew I wanted to write a book one day and here’s my platform to start. If I write a book, one day everyone will know about me anyways and I eventually want to use my experiences to help better others.

I won’t go into specifics on here, but I’m always willing to talk personally about anything. What I’ve been through- well, I’ve been a victim of severe bullying. It was terrible. All throughout middle school. I pledged a sorority in college that left me in the hospital. I obviously turned out ok but it was another rough time. I’ve dealt with cancer with other family members, death of one of those closest family members, my aunt, and a birth of my first son at the same time, miscarriages, infertility, surgeries, close friends dying, jobless days, family members not talking to us then talking to us then not talking to us, disloyal friends. What I ever did wrong? I have no idea. But what could I do? Heart aches and other issues. Yes we all have them. I could go on and on but that’s not the point of this writing.

The point of this is I may look like a quiet, shy person. But don’t mistake my quietness for weakness because of my experiences I’m actually a pretty tough person. So tough. That’s why this cancer. I’m not worried. I know I’ll be ok in the end. It’s all the stuff in the middle that’s scary. But if I remember what made me into the person I am today I remember I’m strong and I can do anything.

So these days when someone tells me they can’t do something hard, I don’t know how to respond. Because if I can get through knowing I caught something early enough that could’ve resulted in my death if it wasn’t found, if I could get through bone pain and chills and aches, and nausea and all the drugs I’m on that I can count on with both hands that just doesn’t last for 2 or 3 days like the flu but will last for months. If I can get through surgery that’s literally taking off 2 of my body parts. If I can get through losing my hair, which might not seem like much but to someone who hates her hair short or up, it’s a big thing. I spent my afternoon today at a wig store. A wig store. So eventually I can have hair again if I want. I sat with Matthew 3 nights ago and he helped me pick out and order headscarves. I had to tell my son that his mommy is sick. I can’t work. My scalp is beginning to hurt. I get random aches. And I know others probably do too. But mine is because of cancer drugs. I have a port by my clavicle attached to veins in my neck. I can feel my port all of the time. The point of all of this- no I’m not complaining and you’ll never hear me complain- unless you are my parents, my sister or my husband lol. If I can get through having cancer. Cancer with 2 babies at home. You, whoever you are reading this, CAN and will get through anything else that seems hard.

I didn’t think I could get through anything that seemed hard before. But I did. And here I am. And I’ll be here a year from now, a lifetime from now to tell you how I got through this hurdle being thrown at me, at my family, at my kids.

This writing is not directed at any one person. But to anyone who needs to be uplifted. I want to be someone’s inspiration to know that there is a means to an end with anything and if I can do everything I’ve done and now this, you whoever you are, can and will do and get through ANYTHING. 💗😊💪🏻