January 6th 2019

I’m finding that the weekends, especially those days where we are at home and have nothing at all planned, are the hardest to get through. You’d think it would be the complete opposite- everyone hanging out together all day would make it easier, but it just isn’t the case. At least not today. But it could be the product of the days prior to this. Winter break, everyone home, running out to just get out, running to doctors or other appointments. I don’t think I’ve actually had a moment of down time, with quiet, baby sleeping, no commotion, maybe mindless tv, since before Christmas. Yeah we get the 9pm quiet time. But that’s different because these days we are always anticipating Ryan waking. Teething, baby nightmares, maybe separation anxiety. Who knows. Daytime quiet is just different, if that ever happens anymore. 

Today is Sunday. It’s 11:15pm. It’s exactly 4 weeks today that this all started and it was exactly 12 hours ago at only 11:15am I said to myself that couldn’t wait to close my eyes for a bit at some point today. I’m finding that I’m getting tired more than usual. Stress, emotions, kids, life. It’s a lot. So here we are 12 hours later and I never did close my eyes once today and I’m obviously still awake. 

When we are all home together there’s always something going on. Matthew was a little off today and was a bit testy, Jason is doing whatever he’s doing, Ryan is playing, he’s crying....  there’s never a dull moment. When it’s just me and Ryan, there’s down time. When it’s just me and Matthew, there’s down time. When it’s all of us, there is no down time. And the few minutes when I think there will be down time, Matthew gets a burst of energy and is trying to play tag, and Ryan is trying to pull himself up on furniture now so someone needs to be near him, but there’s a load of laundry that needs to be changed, kids that need to be fed. Ryan wants Jason but Jason leaves the room so there’s screaming. Sitting for longer than 5 min just doesn’t happen because there’s always something that needs to be done. Even just handling Ryan today for me was just hard. I could go out somewhere, but I don’t want to leave. So I find myself having to take a break in another room, which results in guilt. Not because Jason is taking care of the kids- because he’s absolutely capable, he’s their father and is hands down the best with the both of them, but because I don’t want Matthew saying something like why is mommy in another room and not with us? I mean I know it’s not the worst thing in the world for him to know that mommy just needed a little quiet time, but my guilt is why? Why do I need to sit away from the kids when I could be enjoying this precious time with them? And he still doesn’t know anything so I don’t want him to get a sense of anything. That soon will change. My anxiety was just a lot to handle today. 

And I was anxious just about all day today. The kind of anxiety that leaves a pit in your stomach and where you can feel your blood running and pumping through you. For what reason? I have no idea. I should be feeling relief, not anxiety. I got the best news ever that there’s no evidence of my cancer spreading. So, pardon my language, but what the hell is wrong with me? 

So I’m sitting here sipping my Stay Calm tea, my little Steeped Tea plug there, and I just think for a bit. What is my problem? Maybe it’s because Ryan still has trouble sleeping through the night and I pick him up now but soon I won’t be able to hold him for a number of weeks? And when I do hold him and he’s lying across my chest or lying upright facing me with his head upon my shoulder and I feel a couple of stinging pains from the ever so light pressure, that it’s a constant reminder of what I still have going on inside me. Or that I feel these pains sometimes without him lying on me. Or it’s still knowing that Matthew has to be told something, and even though it’s not anything nearly as bad as it could’ve been, a 4 year old doesn’t understand severity and to him I’m still going to be sick. Or maybe it’s still the unknown of when this procedure will actually be and it’s been 4 weeks exactly since I found what I found and I really just want this s@*# out of me. Or maybe it’s that I actually found a new lump the night before. Same side, different area. Doesn’t mean anything although I’ll cal my dr, because CT scans were clear. And will all be gone soon enough. Have an appointment with her again on Wednesday. 

Now it’s 11:33pm. Ryan has been asleep since 7pm but has been up 3 times so far and  hearing Matthew is a bit stuffy now and coughing slightly. I know this could have the potential to be a long night between the both of them. Not even a long night for me that much, but a long night for Jason. And it’s almost midnight and I’m sure Ryan will be up for the day before 6am. Once I’m asleep, these days I’m asleep and I haven’t been getting up for Ryan. Jason is taking it all. He says I need my rest. He’s right, but again the guilt. Partly because Jason hasn’t been sleeping much either and guilt that it’s me not picking up the baby. And tomorrow is Monday. Matthew goes to school Mondays and I hate to say it but I’m hoping he stays ok and can still go tomorrow. I always love when he’s home but tomorrow I was looking forward to a quiet day. Please no fever. Please be ok. More guilt for even thinking that. Because then I’ll have both kids tomorrow. And I know I have people to help me. I’ll ask for it if I need it. But that means more people in my house and although I’m undoubtedly grateful for that help, as I said before, I was really looking forward to a quiet day. Maybe a play date with the baby at some point and a friend for something to do. But a play date for Ryan is still a bit easier than having both boys home tomorrow. 

As I’m writing this I guess I’m starting to feel a little better. Maybe it’s the therapeutic nature of this writing process or maybe it’s the amazing St John’s Wort in my tea. As of right now, I don’t know if I’ll post this one yet. Maybe one day I will. Because it’s good for others to see what goes on when someone has cancer, especially with 2 young kids at home. Life never ever stops. And just because my cancer hasn’t spread doesn’t mean I can’t still feel awful inside about this whole experience. Yes I am positive, I won’t let it take me over, but there are days where this can just down right suck. And today was just one of those days. 

So now it’s Monday. And I decided I will post my blog today. For whatever reason, I feel better every time I do. Matthew is fine and went to school. Ryan was up before 6am and Jason got him. I’ve been relaxing and playing with Ryan all morning and he’s napping right now. So I get to sit. All is good. Today I’m calm. I’ll take Ryan out in a bit and get Matthew later. Jason even cooked dinner for tonight last night so I wouldn’t have to bother. I’m looking up reconstruction surgeons and will make an appointment for hopefully sometime next week. Get this ball rolling more and soon enough I’ll start to feel better.  I’m just so beyond grateful for the unbelievable support system I have.