Thursday December 27th 2018
I’ve never been too good at waiting for things. I mean I have patience, but waiting for things that I know are supposed to happen- I just can’t. I’ve never been too much of an anxious person but with this kind of waiting I do get this anxiety that only comes when having to wait for something as described and these days it’s seeming to creep up a bit more than usual. Which is obviously to be expected. Because I’m just waiting right now for things to happen. I’m in limbo right now. I have this yucky, diseased stuff inside of my body and I have to wait for it to come out. I have to wait to get my CAT scan, wait to see if anything has spread, wait for my genetic testing results, wait for my lymph node procedure, wait for my actual surgery to get this out of me. It’s all a bunch of waiting right now and I hate it. Those of you who know me well know that I’m a very structured person. I like knowing when things are happening and why things are happening and how they are happening. What to expect, how to plan. And when I can’t get those answers, it’s very hard. This waiting I know won’t be for long but right now it seems like an eternity. So it eats away at me but I try my best not to let it get to me. And it’s super hard.
You all are going to learn a lot about me throughout this journey. I have IBS. I’ve had it for a very long time. Since high school. Used to affect me pretty badly but I’ve had it under control for years. I used to be able to wake up and know what kind of day I would be having depending on how my stomach would feel but I haven’t had to even think about waking like that in years. But when I’m stressed it kicks up again and within the past few days, it’s definitely made a reappearance. So eating is hard. I can’t drink anything fun anymore. And my bday is Saturday.
But I push it all to the side because life still goes on. So then I think of positives. I have to to get me through. I again think about how lucky I am to have such great people in my life. How in the midst of all that I’m going through, I can take my kids to breakfast with friends this morning and be so thankful that no one looks at me any differently. And that my family and friends check in on me. And that my mom can take over with my kids at a moments notice because she knows how hard this must be. My dad who would drop everything at a moments notice if I need him. And my husband can come home from work when I need him to because he knows I need help or a breather and he works right across the street from where we live and has arranged that he can do so. And my sister can drive 2 hours home to go to appointments with me. And my friends. My friends who can take the time to talk me down when I’m having a rough time or offer to meet me somewhere if I need to get out. Those people who offer to cut their hair for me and with me when the time comes. Family and friends who offer to watch my kids, stay with my kids, take my kids for the day/night if we need it. My kids. My Matthew- the sweetest most caring loving boy and I getting to spend time with him. Taking him to the movies today for his first movie ever was exactly what I needed. And my baby. Coming home and hearing my Ryan laugh and CRAWL over to me. The best.
The waiting sure is rough but the circle I have right now is just what I need to get me by. This waiting is just another curve in this very windy road.
And with everything I’m going through I still just have to think how very lucky I am with all that I have and everything around me. 💗
Thursday, December 27, 2018
Monday, December 24, 2018
Monday December 24th 2018
Today I went to see my oncologist. I knew from the very start that this dr was going to be my dr. He has unfortunately but fortunately helped other family members of mine who had and have done extremely well by this man. Now it’s my turn.
I go into the exam room and wait for him to come in. As I said in one of my previous blogs I was actually super excited to meet him because he is going to help me. It’s funny but not funny, when these drs come to you and say nice to meet you, part of me wishes I could say well it’s actually not nice to meet you. I never wanted to meet you, but here we are so it is nice to meet you now because you are going to help me. If that makes any sense.
So we chat for a bit and he explains my diagnosis again. I listen closely to make sure nothing was left out or nothing different from before was said. Nope. Still all there and still the same stuff. Surgery first, then chemo, then radiation. That’s my treatment. Blood work taken today, genetic testing was completed Friday. I need a CAT scan first before the surgery to make sure nothing has spread so that’s being scheduled soon. That’s another concern that I need need need ruled out. This oncologist and my specialist have to discuss when my surgery will be but it looks like sometime during the second week of January. January 3rd I go back to this oncologist for my exact schedule. Before I go for my surgery, and by surgery we are talking about a double mastectomy, I first have to do a quick in and out surgery where they take lymph nodes under my arm to test those. So that needs to be scheduled as well.
And sorry to the guys that are in here....but yep we are talking a double mastectomy. It’s only affecting my left but if there’s a chance that this could ever, ever happen again in my right, take them both. Even if there’s not a chance. Take them both. Take whatever is in me right now out.
So that’s where I stand with the physical department. Mentally I’m good and ready. Emotionally- it’s been a challenging afternoon. And here’s where I’m not ashamed to put my thoughts out there because this is real. Having this all sink in....Yes this is really happening. But I have a husband trying to cope with this as well and needs to learn what might make me tick these days. And I’m a mom and I have kids that are always around. And it’s almost 5pm on Christmas Eve so I can’t escape today if I wanted to because nothing is open. So I go into the bathroom to compose myself because that’s literally the only place in my house where I can be still without being called upon for longer than 5 minutes and I sit. Of course Jason is totally hands on with our kids and capable of everything and can take care of them. And is right now. But Matthew doesn’t know anything yet and I’m being careful with my demeanor and actions because he is extremely smart and will sense if something is wrong. So I sit some more in here. And I type. And I get out what I need to get out and then I put my big girl pants back on and my mom hat right in place and I go right back out there like nothing. And for anyone reading right now, yes I am ok. I just needed a breather. And I’m going to have these moments. I’ll have these moments and then I’ll suck it up for these kids and do what I have to do.
Reality check. This is my life now.
About 2 hours ago Matthew told me that HE needed a vacation. He put the bug in my ear and I’ll I could think about was how to get us to Florida for even just 3-4 days. My birthday is actually on Saturday so that would be amazing. But it’s not looking too promising and kind of unrealistic at this point.
So I come out of the bathroom and in the living room Matthew Jason and Ryan are playing together and Matthew has toy palm trees from a play set with him and a picture of him and I at Sesame Place with Bert and Ernie. He knows those are my favorite trees and one of my favorite pics. He says here mommy it’s your favorite tree! And your favorite picture! And weeee are having a dance party. Want to do it too?
My heart melts. Yes I do buddy. I would love to dance.
And on a good note- Ryan started crawling today!! He also started saying mama and more more more. And is babbling like crazy.
I have THE BEST boys ever and I’m VERY lucky mommy. And this is another reality check. I like this reality check better. 💗
Today I went to see my oncologist. I knew from the very start that this dr was going to be my dr. He has unfortunately but fortunately helped other family members of mine who had and have done extremely well by this man. Now it’s my turn.
I go into the exam room and wait for him to come in. As I said in one of my previous blogs I was actually super excited to meet him because he is going to help me. It’s funny but not funny, when these drs come to you and say nice to meet you, part of me wishes I could say well it’s actually not nice to meet you. I never wanted to meet you, but here we are so it is nice to meet you now because you are going to help me. If that makes any sense.
So we chat for a bit and he explains my diagnosis again. I listen closely to make sure nothing was left out or nothing different from before was said. Nope. Still all there and still the same stuff. Surgery first, then chemo, then radiation. That’s my treatment. Blood work taken today, genetic testing was completed Friday. I need a CAT scan first before the surgery to make sure nothing has spread so that’s being scheduled soon. That’s another concern that I need need need ruled out. This oncologist and my specialist have to discuss when my surgery will be but it looks like sometime during the second week of January. January 3rd I go back to this oncologist for my exact schedule. Before I go for my surgery, and by surgery we are talking about a double mastectomy, I first have to do a quick in and out surgery where they take lymph nodes under my arm to test those. So that needs to be scheduled as well.
And sorry to the guys that are in here....but yep we are talking a double mastectomy. It’s only affecting my left but if there’s a chance that this could ever, ever happen again in my right, take them both. Even if there’s not a chance. Take them both. Take whatever is in me right now out.
So that’s where I stand with the physical department. Mentally I’m good and ready. Emotionally- it’s been a challenging afternoon. And here’s where I’m not ashamed to put my thoughts out there because this is real. Having this all sink in....Yes this is really happening. But I have a husband trying to cope with this as well and needs to learn what might make me tick these days. And I’m a mom and I have kids that are always around. And it’s almost 5pm on Christmas Eve so I can’t escape today if I wanted to because nothing is open. So I go into the bathroom to compose myself because that’s literally the only place in my house where I can be still without being called upon for longer than 5 minutes and I sit. Of course Jason is totally hands on with our kids and capable of everything and can take care of them. And is right now. But Matthew doesn’t know anything yet and I’m being careful with my demeanor and actions because he is extremely smart and will sense if something is wrong. So I sit some more in here. And I type. And I get out what I need to get out and then I put my big girl pants back on and my mom hat right in place and I go right back out there like nothing. And for anyone reading right now, yes I am ok. I just needed a breather. And I’m going to have these moments. I’ll have these moments and then I’ll suck it up for these kids and do what I have to do.
Reality check. This is my life now.
About 2 hours ago Matthew told me that HE needed a vacation. He put the bug in my ear and I’ll I could think about was how to get us to Florida for even just 3-4 days. My birthday is actually on Saturday so that would be amazing. But it’s not looking too promising and kind of unrealistic at this point.
So I come out of the bathroom and in the living room Matthew Jason and Ryan are playing together and Matthew has toy palm trees from a play set with him and a picture of him and I at Sesame Place with Bert and Ernie. He knows those are my favorite trees and one of my favorite pics. He says here mommy it’s your favorite tree! And your favorite picture! And weeee are having a dance party. Want to do it too?
My heart melts. Yes I do buddy. I would love to dance.
And on a good note- Ryan started crawling today!! He also started saying mama and more more more. And is babbling like crazy.
I have THE BEST boys ever and I’m VERY lucky mommy. And this is another reality check. I like this reality check better. 💗
Sunday, December 23, 2018
I’m not going to give you every single day to day detail of what I went through from my imaging day up until now because it’s just too much. I have everything written out and ready to go but after reading it over again, I honestly can’t believe I’m even talking about myself. It all just seems so surreal- like I really just did all of this? A few of you mentioned wanting to know more. So here’s the short hand-
Wednesday December 12th I went for imaging. Just 2 days after my primary appointment. They took diagnostic of both and ultrasound of my left. At this time my parents, Jason, my sister and I think one or two friends were the only ones who I had told. And again it was said to think positive. Could be nothing. Could be- but I just didn’t have that feeling.
Scans done, ultrasound done- I’ll spare you those details. Bottom line- majority of radiologists know what they are looking at right away. They’ve seen it all. I know it’s possible to be wrong, but this mass I had worried me. And from the things being said, their faces and demeanor, they too were pretty concerned. I needed a biopsy. Fast. So I was scheduled for 2 days later.
Friday December 14th I go for my biopsy. That was definitely an experience. I was fine but this was the real start to the moment of truth. Pretty overwhelming. During the procedure the drs and nurses were absolutely phenomenal in just talking me through everything and just doing what they needed to do. And when it got a little uncomfortable I said to myself- well if this is going to be what I think it is, I better brace myself because what I’m about to do right here, right now is nothing compared to what I could be doing in just a matter of weeks from now. Game face on from here on out no matter what. And that’s what I did. Got through the biopsy- ok another thing crossed off my list. One step at a time. Now we wait. Results in 3-5 days.
Thank goodness for an amazing husband, amazing family and amazing friends who kept me busy all weekend and up until my results day.
Tuesday December 18th we got the call. Positive for ductal carcinoma. Don’t know any other details because they are still testing samples for further info. But with holidays coming they wanted me to at least know this so I could get on making these appointments ASAP. Ok. Got it. On it. Thanks to some unfortunate connections we have with these kinds of doctors, appointments were made within a matter of hours for later that week. 2 specialists and 1 oncologist. Here we go.
Thursday December 20th was the actual moment of truth. I went with Jason and my mom to my first specialist appointment. The 2 things I wanted to hear- not stage 4 and not inflammatory and when she said it’s not either, that’s when I cried HAPPY tears. It’s not the worst case!! Ok. What else? She explained my diagnosis to the 3 of us. I sat there and I took it all in. I knew it. Throughout this whole thing I knew it. I’m a realist and prepared myself. Hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst. And it’s not the worst!! But the one thing that resonated with me with this specialist is that when she asked how I came about finding this and about my visit to my primary - I told her what I had to do to get my imaging done. She kindly put her hands on my cheeks, looked me in the eyes, and with a red face said good for you- girl you just saved your own life. Wow. I did.
Now I didn’t stick with this specialist, even though she seemed amazing. Friday December 21st I went to another specialist who was even more wonderful than we had seen the day before, as if that was even possible but it was, and looking at each other in agreement Jason, my mom and I all knew this was the one. She is it. We found the specialist who is going to help make me better. Another thing crossed off my list. Now I can breathe and relax this weekend and start again on Monday. Monday- well tomorrow- I meet with my oncologist. The only time I was ever this excited to see a doctor I think was when I was pregnant. Excited? Yes. This oncologist is setting up my treatment plan and in a matter of days, maybe a week or 2, one way or another I’ll be on my way to getting this crap out of me and to getting better. So yes I actually cannot wait to see this doctor.
And that’s the beginning of my story. Staying positive. No negative. It is what it is. I can’t change anything, I didn’t do anything. But I did catch it and I will be ok. Stay tuned..... #teammichele
💪🏻💗👍🏻
Wednesday December 12th I went for imaging. Just 2 days after my primary appointment. They took diagnostic of both and ultrasound of my left. At this time my parents, Jason, my sister and I think one or two friends were the only ones who I had told. And again it was said to think positive. Could be nothing. Could be- but I just didn’t have that feeling.
Scans done, ultrasound done- I’ll spare you those details. Bottom line- majority of radiologists know what they are looking at right away. They’ve seen it all. I know it’s possible to be wrong, but this mass I had worried me. And from the things being said, their faces and demeanor, they too were pretty concerned. I needed a biopsy. Fast. So I was scheduled for 2 days later.
Friday December 14th I go for my biopsy. That was definitely an experience. I was fine but this was the real start to the moment of truth. Pretty overwhelming. During the procedure the drs and nurses were absolutely phenomenal in just talking me through everything and just doing what they needed to do. And when it got a little uncomfortable I said to myself- well if this is going to be what I think it is, I better brace myself because what I’m about to do right here, right now is nothing compared to what I could be doing in just a matter of weeks from now. Game face on from here on out no matter what. And that’s what I did. Got through the biopsy- ok another thing crossed off my list. One step at a time. Now we wait. Results in 3-5 days.
Thank goodness for an amazing husband, amazing family and amazing friends who kept me busy all weekend and up until my results day.
Tuesday December 18th we got the call. Positive for ductal carcinoma. Don’t know any other details because they are still testing samples for further info. But with holidays coming they wanted me to at least know this so I could get on making these appointments ASAP. Ok. Got it. On it. Thanks to some unfortunate connections we have with these kinds of doctors, appointments were made within a matter of hours for later that week. 2 specialists and 1 oncologist. Here we go.
Thursday December 20th was the actual moment of truth. I went with Jason and my mom to my first specialist appointment. The 2 things I wanted to hear- not stage 4 and not inflammatory and when she said it’s not either, that’s when I cried HAPPY tears. It’s not the worst case!! Ok. What else? She explained my diagnosis to the 3 of us. I sat there and I took it all in. I knew it. Throughout this whole thing I knew it. I’m a realist and prepared myself. Hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst. And it’s not the worst!! But the one thing that resonated with me with this specialist is that when she asked how I came about finding this and about my visit to my primary - I told her what I had to do to get my imaging done. She kindly put her hands on my cheeks, looked me in the eyes, and with a red face said good for you- girl you just saved your own life. Wow. I did.
Now I didn’t stick with this specialist, even though she seemed amazing. Friday December 21st I went to another specialist who was even more wonderful than we had seen the day before, as if that was even possible but it was, and looking at each other in agreement Jason, my mom and I all knew this was the one. She is it. We found the specialist who is going to help make me better. Another thing crossed off my list. Now I can breathe and relax this weekend and start again on Monday. Monday- well tomorrow- I meet with my oncologist. The only time I was ever this excited to see a doctor I think was when I was pregnant. Excited? Yes. This oncologist is setting up my treatment plan and in a matter of days, maybe a week or 2, one way or another I’ll be on my way to getting this crap out of me and to getting better. So yes I actually cannot wait to see this doctor.
And that’s the beginning of my story. Staying positive. No negative. It is what it is. I can’t change anything, I didn’t do anything. But I did catch it and I will be ok. Stay tuned..... #teammichele
💪🏻💗👍🏻
Saturday, December 22, 2018
Monday December 10th
This morning I called my primary doctor because I wanted to know if this was something I should be seen for right away. I spoke with a nurse on the phone and she said I actually should be seen immediately. My primary doctor is in a practice with 2 doctors. The doctor I normally see wasn’t seeing patients today so I had to make an appointment with the other doctor who I don’t know very well. I won’t be using the one I don’t know ever again. Maybe not even this practice. Who knows.
So now I’m in the room waiting to be seen. I’m nervous but I’m ready. The doctor comes in, does an exam and actually tells me it’s probably nothing to worry about. He said it’s probably just a milk duct that is infected. I said but I didn’t breastfeed and 7 months later? How? No other symptoms of infection. No fever. I wasn’t convinced at all. I asked if I should be going for imaging, juuust to be safe. I said I have a family history of cancer. He said no, not yet. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Well I’m not jumping to conclusions but I have 2 babies at home. I want to be seen by anyone who could help either figure this out or rule anything out, like now. He told me to make an appointment with a breast specialist first and they will tell me what I should do. He prescribed an antibiotic for my so called infection and off I went. But I wasn’t leaving that parking lot without an appointment for the specialist or knowing what else I’d have to do. I know my body and something isn’t right. So in the car I call a breast specialist. They said I needed imaging done before they could see me. That’s what I thought. I go back into drs office- so glad I didn’t leave. Explained what I needed. Dr came out and handed me the script for just an ultrasound of my left,
where I’m having the issue. I thought that was all I needed- what do I know? He’s the doc, right? Go back to my car, call radiology right away, they say for someone my age I need a mammogram of both AND the ultrasound. Well back into drs office I go. Explained again. He comes out and signs for that too. So a 2 hour ordeal and I finally got my script for my scans and my appointment. Receptionist at radiology said busy time of the year but in your case we need to get you in. How’s Wednesday- in 2 days. Done. Get me in.
My point with all of this is not even just to share my story but to trust your gut and get done what you feel is necessary for yourself. Fight for what you want or need when necessary.
This morning I called my primary doctor because I wanted to know if this was something I should be seen for right away. I spoke with a nurse on the phone and she said I actually should be seen immediately. My primary doctor is in a practice with 2 doctors. The doctor I normally see wasn’t seeing patients today so I had to make an appointment with the other doctor who I don’t know very well. I won’t be using the one I don’t know ever again. Maybe not even this practice. Who knows.
So now I’m in the room waiting to be seen. I’m nervous but I’m ready. The doctor comes in, does an exam and actually tells me it’s probably nothing to worry about. He said it’s probably just a milk duct that is infected. I said but I didn’t breastfeed and 7 months later? How? No other symptoms of infection. No fever. I wasn’t convinced at all. I asked if I should be going for imaging, juuust to be safe. I said I have a family history of cancer. He said no, not yet. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Well I’m not jumping to conclusions but I have 2 babies at home. I want to be seen by anyone who could help either figure this out or rule anything out, like now. He told me to make an appointment with a breast specialist first and they will tell me what I should do. He prescribed an antibiotic for my so called infection and off I went. But I wasn’t leaving that parking lot without an appointment for the specialist or knowing what else I’d have to do. I know my body and something isn’t right. So in the car I call a breast specialist. They said I needed imaging done before they could see me. That’s what I thought. I go back into drs office- so glad I didn’t leave. Explained what I needed. Dr came out and handed me the script for just an ultrasound of my left,
where I’m having the issue. I thought that was all I needed- what do I know? He’s the doc, right? Go back to my car, call radiology right away, they say for someone my age I need a mammogram of both AND the ultrasound. Well back into drs office I go. Explained again. He comes out and signs for that too. So a 2 hour ordeal and I finally got my script for my scans and my appointment. Receptionist at radiology said busy time of the year but in your case we need to get you in. How’s Wednesday- in 2 days. Done. Get me in.
My point with all of this is not even just to share my story but to trust your gut and get done what you feel is necessary for yourself. Fight for what you want or need when necessary.
Sunday December 9th 2018
Today was a normal day. Just like any other Sunday. But we were tired. Busy day the day before, Ryan hasn’t been sleeping well, so we decided we just needed a day to just rest and have some family time. This morning Matthew had his karate belt test and tested to a yellow belt. So fun! Then Matthew and I had our usual Dunkin’ Donuts date afterwards. We got home and decided to have a family football day. Jason and Matthew went out and got football snacks, and so we watched football, Jason and I had some beers, we played with the kids- and we just had fun together.
Fast forward a few hours it’s now about 7pm. Jason has Ryan and is getting ready to put him to sleep. Matthew is with them in Ryan’s bedroom. I went into my bedroom and decided I needed to change into sweats. And that’s when this all started. Upon changing I got extremely itchy. Now I know that’s somewhat normal- it happens- but this was like on fire itchy. I couldn’t stop scratching. And when I looked down I noticed something just didn’t look or feel right. So immediately a girls first instinct is to feel around. So that’s what I did. And that’s when I found what would change the rest of our lives. 2 lumps. One deep within in the center and the other just a large mass on the upper left side. Looked swollen. Something isn’t right. My heart started racing. Omg no. I didn’t just feel that. I took a deep breath and checked again. It was all still there. I didn’t know what to think but immediately knew something was wrong. So I finished changing, went out to the couch, went on like normal and waited until the kids were asleep to talk to Jason. Once they were asleep Jason comes to sit on the couch, and like any other night, it’s what do you want to watch? My heart is racing. How do I say this? What do I say? I turned to him and just said it. I found something. I’m concerned about it. I need to go to my doctor in the morning. I then explained everything. But I didn’t panic. We just turned on something to watch and of course I started googling...What to do next when you find a lump? What does a lump mean? What can it be? After a bit I put my phone down, took a deep breath and knew what I needed to do next.
Today was a normal day. Just like any other Sunday. But we were tired. Busy day the day before, Ryan hasn’t been sleeping well, so we decided we just needed a day to just rest and have some family time. This morning Matthew had his karate belt test and tested to a yellow belt. So fun! Then Matthew and I had our usual Dunkin’ Donuts date afterwards. We got home and decided to have a family football day. Jason and Matthew went out and got football snacks, and so we watched football, Jason and I had some beers, we played with the kids- and we just had fun together.
Fast forward a few hours it’s now about 7pm. Jason has Ryan and is getting ready to put him to sleep. Matthew is with them in Ryan’s bedroom. I went into my bedroom and decided I needed to change into sweats. And that’s when this all started. Upon changing I got extremely itchy. Now I know that’s somewhat normal- it happens- but this was like on fire itchy. I couldn’t stop scratching. And when I looked down I noticed something just didn’t look or feel right. So immediately a girls first instinct is to feel around. So that’s what I did. And that’s when I found what would change the rest of our lives. 2 lumps. One deep within in the center and the other just a large mass on the upper left side. Looked swollen. Something isn’t right. My heart started racing. Omg no. I didn’t just feel that. I took a deep breath and checked again. It was all still there. I didn’t know what to think but immediately knew something was wrong. So I finished changing, went out to the couch, went on like normal and waited until the kids were asleep to talk to Jason. Once they were asleep Jason comes to sit on the couch, and like any other night, it’s what do you want to watch? My heart is racing. How do I say this? What do I say? I turned to him and just said it. I found something. I’m concerned about it. I need to go to my doctor in the morning. I then explained everything. But I didn’t panic. We just turned on something to watch and of course I started googling...What to do next when you find a lump? What does a lump mean? What can it be? After a bit I put my phone down, took a deep breath and knew what I needed to do next.
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