Saturday November 16, 2019

Tonight I’m feeling grateful. I’m always grateful these days, but tonight I wanted to share it. I’m grateful, empowered, excited, and hopeful because I’m moving mountains. Mountains that might not be worth climbing to anyone else, but they are my mountains and I’m reaching that peak.

For the past 11 months my life, my family’s lives, all of our lives have been turned upside down. And not only until recently, had things started turning for the better. I became done with radiation and was able to return to somewhat of a normal life again, whatever normal may be. Because my normal now is completely different from what my normal was a year  ago.

A year ago, none of this was even an inkling of a thought. Then all of a sudden our lives changed. And although I’m done with all of what is considered “the hard stuff” I’m still being treated for having had breast cancer, to prevent it from recurring. Recurrence.... that’s the word of my life now. Living a life of now trying to prevent this awful disease from recurrence and metastasizing. So everything is different now.

It’s amazing how these times of hardships result in an entirely different perspective of everything and a completely different outlook on life. For those who have endured anything like what I have been through, we now see things in a completely different light. Not that I didn’t before, but now more so than ever, I choose to spend my time with those who I love the most. No guilt, no dwelling, no stress. I deserve to do anything I choose to do. I choose to make up for what I believe has been lost time. I don’t dwell on what has been, as I only look to the future and what could be. I live each day pretty much by hour to hour. Because I’m always tired, and I have new ailments or old ailments that haven’t dissipated, but I want to give all my days all that I can give. I want to catch up with people who I haven’t seen in ages and I want to spend time with anyone and everyone that I can. I want to spend all my time with my kids. And my husband, my family and my friends. If you want to see me, reach out. I’d LOVE to see you. Let’s grab dinner, drinks, coffee, or meet in a library. Or come to my house! I would love to have you over. I’d love to catch up with anyone.

Throughout these past few weeks I’ve had some opportunities of a lifetime. And although it might seem like I’m super fine and “a- ok” I’m still going through a new treatment that my body and my mind are trying to regulate with. It’s not easy. The side effects that come with what I’m doing now, are ones that I’ve come to have PTSD from, and yes that does exist for cancer survivors, because I did NOT want to face the dreaded bone pain that could come from the meds I’m on now. The meds to prevent recurrence that I’ll have to take for the next 8 to 10 years or so. Unless something else throughout that time becomes more effective.

So I know it may seem like I’m doing ok, and for the most part I am, but I’m still sorting through stuff. Dealing with things that most people my age haven’t faced or dealt with. I’m moving on, but trying to figure out how to do so with everything that I’ve gone through. I’m determined to make it back to the life I had before this all happened, but there’s obstacles I have to get past to get there. I’m learning to how to be “me” in a new light. I’m a new body. In a new look. Because I don’t look like the old me. And that itself is challenging. Because everything for me has changed. I’ve looked things straight in the face, that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. I’ve been through things in the past 11 months that I never even thought I’d ever have to face. And I made it. I made it through with my positivity, the will to survive, my kids, my husband, my family, and the help of my supporters. Somehow my husband held this family together. My parents and my in-laws stepped in at a moments notice. Everyone faced what their perception of evil is. But I am the only one who came face to face. I looked it in the eyes and said nope. Not me. Not my babies. Not my family. I clearly remember that evening, the night after I was called with my diagnosis, when I in fact screamed that in my car when I was by myself. At the top of my lungs.

I’ve faced evil and I’ve survived. Physically. And as each step of this journey came to be, I’ve face each one, little by little. Step by step. It’s a shame, and I’m not ashamed to admit, that I’m saddened that mental health is such a crisis in our country and that more isn’t done to help those in need. It’s a shame that therapy isn’t protocol for cancer patients, the same that chemo or radiation is. Chemo, radiation, surgery, medication, done. Cancer free? Off you go. That’s it. Your life has been turned upside down. You’ve looked evil in the face. And now you’re considered disease free,
So that’s it. Come back once a month. What about the mental state we are in during and after?  Protocol should  be chemo, surgery, radiation, in whatever order, physical therapy and counseling. The aftermath is lacking.

So I’m going to take this time in my life to better myself mentally and physically. You can’t be successful if you aren’t whole.  And I’m not whole yet. I’m getting there. And I will get there, but I’m not quite there just yet. And I’m ok with that. Just remember that those who seem like they are ok from the outside, sometimes aren’t the same on the inside. I’ve been through a lot. And I may seem like I’m doing amazing and I appreciate your super kind words. And as I am doing amazing and I know I am, I still have more to do. This is a step by step journey and I’m accepting that. I will get there, but it will take some more time. I’ve come this far, so only up from here.

And as always, I appreciate your kind words and support!!! It truly means so much and is sometimes the motivation that I need. You have no idea how many times your messages and comments have been received at times that I needed them the most. So thank you!!!
💗💗💗

Saturday November 9, 2019

When you face a horrific situation, one that you come out of somewhat in one piece, it changes you. Changes you in different ways. Some change for the worse because they can’t quite get a handle on what has happened and some change for the better because they realize that life is just too short to do anything else.

I’m one that always looks for the good in any given situation. You ask anyone who knows me best and they’ll tell you...
They say something that bothers them, I’ll try to look from the other perspective. Not that the person telling me about their situation is wrong, I just think I’m lucky to be able easily see something from someone else’s perspective. And To find that silver lining. Because I feel like everything happens for a reason.... even the not so good stuff.

You survive the not so good stuff and you end up seeing things in a different way. Maybe some people actually need to experience certain life changing events in order to think differently. Not to say that having cancer or any disease for that matter is warranted just to change someone’s thought process, but maybe being able to think differently and have a changed mind, or being able to find that silver lining in all the craziness helps to make things a little easier to take and can make others a bit more understanding and accepting. There’s a purpose for this all. When you are in the thick of it, it’s super hard, almost impossible to understand or even fathom why something of this nature is happening. But maybe you aren’t supposed to try to understand it. Maybe your supposed to just go with it and as hard is it may be to do so, to trust that wherever this is leading is what is supposed to happen. What is meant to be will be. And as hard as that might be to accept that, because some people’s journeys don’t turn out for the best, there always, always a bigger purpose for it. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, whether good or bad.

Now my cancer- bad. So so so bad on so many levels. But what I learned from my journey is something I’ll carry with me for the rest of my life. When you are given a situation where all you can do is hope for the best, that’s what you do. Unfortunately you also learn that everything is a gamble. Nothing is certain and nothing is promised. You can pray, if that’s what you do, you can talk to higher powers if that’s what you believe in, but ultimately it’s really just a gamble. And having faith in whatever it is you do to overcome your horrid situation, that everything will in fact work out for the best. You fight, you hope, you pray, and then at some point you just accept that this is happening and all you can do is exactly what you are doing and just keep on doing it.

Throughout the past almost year, I learned a lot about myself, about other people, and about life in general. I think I always knew this, but it wasn’t always in the forefront of my mind that in some way, everyone is struggling with something. Whether it be a life or death situation, whatever it may be, people are looking for validation, compassion, and support and I for one, being on the receiving end, will gladly give it back to those who need it.

Jealousy holds no place in this heart. Nor does competition, longing for attention, or dwelling. Instead I use my energy to inspire, to uplift, and support. If I can’t understand, I accept. I can empathize and sympathize. I can give love.  Because that’s what’s needed in this world. More acceptance and less judging. More compassion and less disrespect. To anyone. Just because on the outside someone doesn’t look like they are going through something, it doesn’t make what they are going through any less of importance. Just because someone doesn’t look or act sick, doesn’t mean they are well. Have compassion for people. Don’t judge. And don’t take anything for granted.

These past 2 weeks for me have been nothing short of amazing. Somehow, some of the best moments and opportunities just came before me. And maybe a year ago I might not have followed through- too shy, not enough confidence to go in front of so many people, or do a photoshoot where I was kind of exposed at times, feeling guilty for doing really amazing things, or dwelling on moments that have passed that you think “omg I should’ve done this, or why did I say that?” That’s just it. Feeling guilty and dwelling. Who stays up at night whole lying in bed trying to sleep and can’t because you either feel guilty about something or you’re dwelling on something? Those two things are really tough to rid yourself of. But somehow, one day, you just do. Out of nowhere things start making sense and start falling into place and sometimes it’s just unexplainable. I’m at that point. I still have miles to go and my journey is far from over. In fact, it will never be over as I have to do everything and anything to prevent any type of recurrence. Because life is honestly a gamble with a whole lotta faith. You pray and hope and take meds, but ultimately what happens is beyond your control. You can do all you can to try to prevent, but that’s all you can really do. So I choose now to make the most of my life. Not that I haven’t before, but even more so now. I will do what I love to do, with who I love to spend time with. Be it my husband, my kids, my parents, my sister, the rest of my family, my dear friends, and anyone else. I will make the most of my life and spend my time doing the things I love to do and will spend time with the ones that mean the most. And I will not feel guilty at all. Not one bit. I won’t dwell. I’ll look for the positives and the silver linings and enjoy every moment that I can because life is just to short to do anything else.

I have so many big ideas. Stay tuned.... the best is yet to come.....


💗💪🏻😊

2019.... it isn’t over yet, but we are getting closer. A year that seems so surreal because I’ve been through so much that now I can’t really believe that I did it all. A year ago today, none of this was even an inkling of a thought. And then just a few weeks later.... boom. Life was turned upside down. These past almost 11 months have been nothing short of crazy. Actually the past few years have been nothing short of crazy. 2014- our first son was born. 2 miscarriages, a ton of failed attempts at another pregnancy, and one concussion later on my part, finally April of 2018 our 2nd son was born. He was colic until about 4 months old, so that was challenging. And then we finally took a step on the right direction and the colic was gone and all was good. All was great. For the next 3 months, that is. December of that same year, just 7 months after our rainbow baby was born, I found a lump. Then came a week of exams, scans, biopsies, and then just 2 weeks later... bam... stage 3 invasive ductal carcinoma... I had breast cancer. A mom, with 2 young kids- one of which was just 7 months old. Out of work because I needed to start chemo ASAP and for me, teaching on the chemo referred to as the red devil wasn’t going to work. I went from maternity leave to disability. I went from not pregnant, to miscarriages, to not pregnant, to pregnant, to having a baby and being post partum, to cancer.  Needless to say my body was already a mess. So then came 16 rounds of chemo, followed by a double mastectomy with reconstruction (tissue expanders), my prophylactic side (right side) got an infection, so right expander was removed, right side skin folded and tucked to try to preserve what would be needed for more reconstruction, left expander still in so I’m unsymmetrical (which I’m totally fine with) antibiotics for days, drains for weeks, learning that there was lymph node involvement, 28 rounds of proton radiation therapy for which I traveled what should have been for 40 min each way, but took me an hour each way most days, every week day for 28 days, to starting Lupron injections, to today, where I’m waiting for the green light to start my hormone blockers- medication with more side effects, which I will be on for about 10 years. I have an oncologist, a plastic surgeon, a breast surgeon, an infectious disease doctor, a dermatologist, and a psychiatrist, because let’s face it, anxiety is a given and meds are absolutely necessary. And I’m only 38. Actually I was 37 when I was diagnosed- a week before my 38th birthday. So I did all of that. And am still doing it. But again I’m a mom of 2 and they are 2 young kids that needed their mommy present and still need their mommy present. And throughout these 11 months there were events they took place... life just doesn’t stop. There was my birthday, child milestones, a first birthday, a 5th birthday, my husband’s birthday, other family members birthdays, a preschool graduation, tball, karate, holidays, dinners, family gatherings..... so many things I didn’t want to miss out on. But I had chemo treatments I needed to recover from and surgeries where I couldn’t move or lift my baby up for close to 6 weeks, and radiation that left me with burns that it hurt to move or hurt to have anything touching that area. And I needed to rest and sleep because those days after chemo were rough. Every single side effect that was possible, it happened. The bone pain and fatigue were the worst. The fatigue, at least I could sleep it off. The bone pain was absolutely unbearable at times. Most times. So with the support of my husband and my parents and my in-laws and other family members and friends, I was still able to parent my kids and be as available as I could be. My older son was in daycare everyday so he was taken care of. But I wasn’t working so I wasn’t receiving a full paycheck so daycare for the baby wasn’t possible. I needed help. And the fact that we tried for so long for another baby and finally we had him and now I couldn’t take care him myself.... devastating. I needed something to get me through. And my kids... they were it. I found that parenting and being present for them as best as I could was how I could do it. I got up every day for them. Even at my worst, I still got up every morning to see them off or wait for someone to come in and help me with our baby because my husband had to go to work. I wanted to be involved in my kids lives. I didn’t want to turn their lives upside down too. I didn’t want this to affect them negatively, but instead later on down the line when they are older I can look back with them and they can know how strong their mother really is. And they can learn from me how to be strong and positive when times get tough. But then, how do you successfully parent young kids while battling cancer? That was the question. How do you do it? For one, I had to do a lot of research. Then I realized I just had to dig down deep inside me when I thought I couldn’t do things, rest when I needed to and push myself a little when I was able to. I needed to make modifications to suit my needs and to be ok with camping out on the floor with the baby and playing when that was all I could do. I needed to remain positive and see the good in things, not dwell on anything, be grateful for what I did have, ask for help when I needed it, and be in communication with my husband and everyone that helped us. And when I couldn’t be present because I needed to rest or go for chemo treatments or radiation treatments, when I was in the hospital recovering or whatever it was that I needed to do any couldn’t be there, I needed to be kept in the know. I needed to be part of things whether it was a picture of my son at karate or a text message to tell me that Ryan napped well, I just needed that. I needed to be kept in the loop. While researching ways to help parent these kids of mine in the situation we were in, I realized that there’s not a lot of support out there for just moms with young kids. There’s tons of support for breast cancer patients as a whole, there’s support for older women, there’s support for very young women in their 20’s or under 30 primarily with no children, and there’s support for young women under 40, but nothing solely for moms with young kids. Throughout my journey I went to several support groups and I love all of them and single person that I’ve come across has  been so supportive of me and are of each other and I love all of the connections I’ve made, but my needs differ from theirs. I needed to connect with other young moms with young kids. I needed to bounce ideas off of them and listen to how they handled situations and how they coped with what I was going through while having kids. But there was nothing of the sort. So I’m hoping to change that. I want to help other moms with young kids find the support and the connections they may need. The first step in doing that is to share my story. I am an open book. I’m not ashamed or embarrassed that I had breast cancer and I won’t push it under a rug because it’s a part of who I am now. I learned a lot throughout these past 11 months. I’ve learned a lot about myself, about others and just about life in general. I have a new found appreciation for things I never even gave a thought to prior to this and new perspectives on many things. My favorite thing to say to anyone about my journey is that I’m in no way thankful for having cancer, but I am grateful for what my cancer journey has taught me. Don’t get me wrong.... I do have my bad days and off moments and I’m not all happy go lucky every second of every day. I get tired very easily and I have things that hurt me all of the time. But I found most helpful tool to feeling better was and still is to listen to my body and finding ways to feel grateful every single day. Fatigue is a good thing. It means your body needs to rest in order to heal from the torture it’s being put through. If I rest for a bit, I recharge and then a little while later I can do some more. And if I can get through my worst chemo days and still be present for my kids, I can get through anything. These days I’m creating a daily structure for myself in order to get stronger, so that I can return to my normal activities and will be able to work again eventually. Right now I know how much I can do at a time and when I need to rest. And hopefully the amount of time that I’m able to be on my feet or be active will increase and my needing to rest will decrease. I’d love to help others get to the same mindset that I have been in. I have created an instagram account solely for documenting and sharing about my journey parenting with cancer. If you are interested in following me, find me. @momssurvivingcancer

As always, I thank everyone for reading and for their continued love and support. I’m getting stronger everyday not only because of my own doing, but also because of all of the positive encouragement I’ve received from others out there. I can’t even begin to explain how your messages lift me up especially at times where I need it the most and continue to fill my heart. 💕

#teamMichele💗💪🏻👊🏻