Saturday November 16, 2019

Tonight I’m feeling grateful. I’m always grateful these days, but tonight I wanted to share it. I’m grateful, empowered, excited, and hopeful because I’m moving mountains. Mountains that might not be worth climbing to anyone else, but they are my mountains and I’m reaching that peak.

For the past 11 months my life, my family’s lives, all of our lives have been turned upside down. And not only until recently, had things started turning for the better. I became done with radiation and was able to return to somewhat of a normal life again, whatever normal may be. Because my normal now is completely different from what my normal was a year  ago.

A year ago, none of this was even an inkling of a thought. Then all of a sudden our lives changed. And although I’m done with all of what is considered “the hard stuff” I’m still being treated for having had breast cancer, to prevent it from recurring. Recurrence.... that’s the word of my life now. Living a life of now trying to prevent this awful disease from recurrence and metastasizing. So everything is different now.

It’s amazing how these times of hardships result in an entirely different perspective of everything and a completely different outlook on life. For those who have endured anything like what I have been through, we now see things in a completely different light. Not that I didn’t before, but now more so than ever, I choose to spend my time with those who I love the most. No guilt, no dwelling, no stress. I deserve to do anything I choose to do. I choose to make up for what I believe has been lost time. I don’t dwell on what has been, as I only look to the future and what could be. I live each day pretty much by hour to hour. Because I’m always tired, and I have new ailments or old ailments that haven’t dissipated, but I want to give all my days all that I can give. I want to catch up with people who I haven’t seen in ages and I want to spend time with anyone and everyone that I can. I want to spend all my time with my kids. And my husband, my family and my friends. If you want to see me, reach out. I’d LOVE to see you. Let’s grab dinner, drinks, coffee, or meet in a library. Or come to my house! I would love to have you over. I’d love to catch up with anyone.

Throughout these past few weeks I’ve had some opportunities of a lifetime. And although it might seem like I’m super fine and “a- ok” I’m still going through a new treatment that my body and my mind are trying to regulate with. It’s not easy. The side effects that come with what I’m doing now, are ones that I’ve come to have PTSD from, and yes that does exist for cancer survivors, because I did NOT want to face the dreaded bone pain that could come from the meds I’m on now. The meds to prevent recurrence that I’ll have to take for the next 8 to 10 years or so. Unless something else throughout that time becomes more effective.

So I know it may seem like I’m doing ok, and for the most part I am, but I’m still sorting through stuff. Dealing with things that most people my age haven’t faced or dealt with. I’m moving on, but trying to figure out how to do so with everything that I’ve gone through. I’m determined to make it back to the life I had before this all happened, but there’s obstacles I have to get past to get there. I’m learning to how to be “me” in a new light. I’m a new body. In a new look. Because I don’t look like the old me. And that itself is challenging. Because everything for me has changed. I’ve looked things straight in the face, that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. I’ve been through things in the past 11 months that I never even thought I’d ever have to face. And I made it. I made it through with my positivity, the will to survive, my kids, my husband, my family, and the help of my supporters. Somehow my husband held this family together. My parents and my in-laws stepped in at a moments notice. Everyone faced what their perception of evil is. But I am the only one who came face to face. I looked it in the eyes and said nope. Not me. Not my babies. Not my family. I clearly remember that evening, the night after I was called with my diagnosis, when I in fact screamed that in my car when I was by myself. At the top of my lungs.

I’ve faced evil and I’ve survived. Physically. And as each step of this journey came to be, I’ve face each one, little by little. Step by step. It’s a shame, and I’m not ashamed to admit, that I’m saddened that mental health is such a crisis in our country and that more isn’t done to help those in need. It’s a shame that therapy isn’t protocol for cancer patients, the same that chemo or radiation is. Chemo, radiation, surgery, medication, done. Cancer free? Off you go. That’s it. Your life has been turned upside down. You’ve looked evil in the face. And now you’re considered disease free,
So that’s it. Come back once a month. What about the mental state we are in during and after?  Protocol should  be chemo, surgery, radiation, in whatever order, physical therapy and counseling. The aftermath is lacking.

So I’m going to take this time in my life to better myself mentally and physically. You can’t be successful if you aren’t whole.  And I’m not whole yet. I’m getting there. And I will get there, but I’m not quite there just yet. And I’m ok with that. Just remember that those who seem like they are ok from the outside, sometimes aren’t the same on the inside. I’ve been through a lot. And I may seem like I’m doing amazing and I appreciate your super kind words. And as I am doing amazing and I know I am, I still have more to do. This is a step by step journey and I’m accepting that. I will get there, but it will take some more time. I’ve come this far, so only up from here.

And as always, I appreciate your kind words and support!!! It truly means so much and is sometimes the motivation that I need. You have no idea how many times your messages and comments have been received at times that I needed them the most. So thank you!!!
💗💗💗