December 12, 2019

A year ago today I had my first imaging done. The mammogram and the ultrasound that confirmed the unthinkable. Today, here I am a year later, disease free but still working hard to put myself back together.

No one talks about the aftermath, especially the aftermath of such aggressive treatments as I had this past year. Yesterday my oncologist described it not only as a new normal, but a completely new paradigm. And he’s right. Things might never be the way they once were and so now I have to learn how to manage the symptoms that still remain so that I can return to living normally in this new paradigm. It will take some work but I’ll get there.

I’m 28 weeks out from chemo, 23 weeks out from surgery which involved some complications for a few weeks after, and I’m only 9 weeks out from my last radiation session. 28 weeks out from chemo, but I had 16 rounds of it accumulating in my body. 23 weeks out from surgery but I still have limited range of motion, nerve issues, daily pain which I’m trying to manage, and I’m still not finished with procedures. 9 weeks out from radiation, after 28 consecutive sessions, that left me with horrible burns, extreme fatigue, as if I wasn’t fatigued already from everything else, and problems swallowing food, which that thankfully was resolved. I’m not in what’s considered “active treatment” anymore but I’m still being treated, as I get injections every 4 weeks and take medication which I’ll most likely be on for the next 10 years. Injections and medication that come with even more side effects, as if I didn’t have enough to contend with already.

This past week I went for X-rays to try to figure out my nerve issue, a bone density scan which revealed that I now have osteopenia, and an ultrasound of my liver, which was a bit of a scare but turned out to be nothing to be too alarmed about at this time. These scans this week were completed at the same radiology facility where I had my first scans a year ago and the same place where I had my biopsy done just 2 days later. Needless to say, it was a little hard this time around because believe it or not, PTSD does exist for cancer patients and I’m in the beginning stages of trying to determine if I have some form of it, which I’m absolutely certain that I do.

There’s a lot that comes after “active treatment” is over. I fought a battle within my own body. I had a sickness that I needed to overcome by having poison consume my entire body that literally broke my entire body down. Now I have to build it back up. For the 10 months that I was in active treatment, it will take at the very least, double the amount of time for my body to heal. Healing and recovering with kids to raise. With life that goes on.

I’ve been through a medical trauma and although im disease free, I’m still fighting on the inside. Fighting one day at a time because I’m always tired, something always hurts, and I’m still not quite whole yet. I will be... I have no doubt that I will be whole again. But it will take time. And I’m ok with that. With the help of my family, my medical team, and everyone who has been and still is supporting me, I’ll get there. Just know that I’m working on it. I miss my friends, I miss working, I miss a lot of things. But I need to feel whole again before I can move forward. I’m slowly putting me back together.

Sometimes I feel like I can sleep for days and then there are nights like tonight when I can’t fall asleep at all. So I figured I’d write a bit, give an update, and get some things out. It had been awhile anyways.

Thanks for reading. 💗