December 30, 2019
9:30pm

There are only a few more hours left to this year. Only few more hours left to this decade. In a little over 24 hours from now we’ll be getting ready to ring in 2020 and although I’m glad to see 2019 out, to be quite honest, it’s a little bittersweet for me.

2019 started out on a sour note. By December 31st of 2018, only a year ago, I had just had my 38th birthday and just a few days prior to that, I had just been given my breast cancer diagnosis. Last year on New Year’s Eve we decided to just spend the evening in. Ryan was only a few months old so he went to bed like normal and Matthew stayed up later than usual and we celebrated with him for a bit, but he didn’t make it to midnight (thankfully lol) and once he went to bed, Jason and I just watched the cheesy New Year’s Eve live specials from Times Square and where ever else they broadcasted from and we tried our best to stay awake until midnight. We were unsure of what was to come for the year ahead, so it was just a quiet evening. And it was fine.

January 1st 2019. Game face was on. Time to fight for my life. Survival mode took over and January 16th I started chemotherapy. For the next 4 months, I battled. Every single day. Every single hour. Some days every single minute. May 28th was my last chemo treatment but the chemo builds up, so it takes a very long time for a body to rid itself of this poison and all the side effects that come along for the ride. Especially because my treatment was very aggressive. So I continued to battle because even though chemo ended, I was still at war.

July 1st I went in for my surgery. A double mastectomy. A 6 hour procedure to remove two body parts, because one of those parts was severely diseased. The other side was elective but was necessary to proactively ensure that this doesn’t happen again. By the time I was recovered, the year was almost over and I hardly saw any of it.

A few weeks later we found out that my battle wasn’t over yet because I needed aggressive radiation. I had a lymph node effected and some evidence of disease that hadn’t been picked up on my scans that were done months ago, which is unfortunately quite common, but was fortunately removed with the mastectomy procedure. To ensure that everything was “gotten” and for preventative measures, radiation was the next step. So on September 3rd, while everyone else was returning to their normal daily lives after a fun Labor Day weekend, I was preparing for my first radiation session. 28 sessions of radiation, which ended October 10th, left me with more side effects. Side effects that get worse before they get better. So I battled for a little bit longer.

A few weeks later I started some more medications, that I’ll be on for a number of years. Injections, medications, they come with side effects. As if I didn’t have enough already. It wasn’t until about a month later, maybe around Thanksgiving, that I started on that uphill climb. But some of my side effects are long lasting and unfortunately might be my new normal.

So it’s now a month later than that and I’m at the point where I have to focus on how to manage with my “new normal”.  New normal- fatigue, bone/joint pain, Osteopenia and possible nerve damage in my left arm. Something always hurts me. I now wear glasses sometimes because there are times where my fatigue causes my eyes to get tired. There’s a lot more but we don’t need to go over everything. My oncologist said that it’s a new paradigm for me and I completely agree. So I’m taking this time right now to learn how to live and manage in this new paradigm, physically and mentally, in all aspects. Survival mode can be pushed a little to the side and I can now focus on getting back to me. New hair, new look, new perspectives, a new outlook, new medications, a new everything.

But I mentioned above that seeing this year out is bittersweet. And I truly mean that. Because although 2019 had me fighting for my life, there were some really amazing things I got to be present for. Like making sure I was with my kids at some point everyday. I saw my kids every single day. Even when I had to fight inside to get there. I did it. In 2019 Jason and I celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. Our Matthew turned 5, we celebrated our Ryan’s first birthday, we celebrated my niece’s first birthday, Matthew graduated Pre-K, Matthew started Kindergarten and there were so many other birthdays and special times in between. I reunited and got together with family that I hadn’t seen in years, I got to see all of Ryan’s “firsts” and milestones and I finally took a vacation by myself for a few days to Florida to visit one of my best friends. Over the course of the year I got to hear from and connect with so many people that I hadn’t seen in years and it just warmed my heart. I participated in an amazing photoshoot (thanks BeautfulSelf!), I was ON Dr. Oz on TV, I met Hoda Kotb on TV and I just celebrated MY 39th birthday. Throughout all of the bad and the craziness that consumed my life this year, there were so many other amazing moments. And to be able to find and remember the good moments in a year that you can barely even remember, is just a feeling that I can’t even begin to explain. But I’m doing it.

So I say goodbye to 2019, but as some might think, not good riddance. 2019 is the year that saved my life. If I hadn’t found what I found myself the night of December 9th 2018, I’m not sure what life would look like today, as we head into another new year. But I am ready for 2020. A new year, a new decade. It’s the year that I focus on the new me. I’m disease free and am slowly reacquainting myself with the outside world again.

In 2020, there are no resolutions. Just learning to live as I am now.  My primary two goals- to spend as much time as I can with my husband, my kids, my parents, my sister and the rest of family and friends and to do everything I possibly can to take care of myself as a whole, so that I can live healthy and happy.

I wish everyone a healthy and a happy new year. Only good things for everyone in 2020.

💪🏻💗😊