December 30, 2019
9:30pm
There are only a few more hours left to this year. Only few more hours left to this decade. In a little over 24 hours from now we’ll be getting ready to ring in 2020 and although I’m glad to see 2019 out, to be quite honest, it’s a little bittersweet for me.
2019 started out on a sour note. By December 31st of 2018, only a year ago, I had just had my 38th birthday and just a few days prior to that, I had just been given my breast cancer diagnosis. Last year on New Year’s Eve we decided to just spend the evening in. Ryan was only a few months old so he went to bed like normal and Matthew stayed up later than usual and we celebrated with him for a bit, but he didn’t make it to midnight (thankfully lol) and once he went to bed, Jason and I just watched the cheesy New Year’s Eve live specials from Times Square and where ever else they broadcasted from and we tried our best to stay awake until midnight. We were unsure of what was to come for the year ahead, so it was just a quiet evening. And it was fine.
January 1st 2019. Game face was on. Time to fight for my life. Survival mode took over and January 16th I started chemotherapy. For the next 4 months, I battled. Every single day. Every single hour. Some days every single minute. May 28th was my last chemo treatment but the chemo builds up, so it takes a very long time for a body to rid itself of this poison and all the side effects that come along for the ride. Especially because my treatment was very aggressive. So I continued to battle because even though chemo ended, I was still at war.
July 1st I went in for my surgery. A double mastectomy. A 6 hour procedure to remove two body parts, because one of those parts was severely diseased. The other side was elective but was necessary to proactively ensure that this doesn’t happen again. By the time I was recovered, the year was almost over and I hardly saw any of it.
A few weeks later we found out that my battle wasn’t over yet because I needed aggressive radiation. I had a lymph node effected and some evidence of disease that hadn’t been picked up on my scans that were done months ago, which is unfortunately quite common, but was fortunately removed with the mastectomy procedure. To ensure that everything was “gotten” and for preventative measures, radiation was the next step. So on September 3rd, while everyone else was returning to their normal daily lives after a fun Labor Day weekend, I was preparing for my first radiation session. 28 sessions of radiation, which ended October 10th, left me with more side effects. Side effects that get worse before they get better. So I battled for a little bit longer.
A few weeks later I started some more medications, that I’ll be on for a number of years. Injections, medications, they come with side effects. As if I didn’t have enough already. It wasn’t until about a month later, maybe around Thanksgiving, that I started on that uphill climb. But some of my side effects are long lasting and unfortunately might be my new normal.
So it’s now a month later than that and I’m at the point where I have to focus on how to manage with my “new normal”. New normal- fatigue, bone/joint pain, Osteopenia and possible nerve damage in my left arm. Something always hurts me. I now wear glasses sometimes because there are times where my fatigue causes my eyes to get tired. There’s a lot more but we don’t need to go over everything. My oncologist said that it’s a new paradigm for me and I completely agree. So I’m taking this time right now to learn how to live and manage in this new paradigm, physically and mentally, in all aspects. Survival mode can be pushed a little to the side and I can now focus on getting back to me. New hair, new look, new perspectives, a new outlook, new medications, a new everything.
But I mentioned above that seeing this year out is bittersweet. And I truly mean that. Because although 2019 had me fighting for my life, there were some really amazing things I got to be present for. Like making sure I was with my kids at some point everyday. I saw my kids every single day. Even when I had to fight inside to get there. I did it. In 2019 Jason and I celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. Our Matthew turned 5, we celebrated our Ryan’s first birthday, we celebrated my niece’s first birthday, Matthew graduated Pre-K, Matthew started Kindergarten and there were so many other birthdays and special times in between. I reunited and got together with family that I hadn’t seen in years, I got to see all of Ryan’s “firsts” and milestones and I finally took a vacation by myself for a few days to Florida to visit one of my best friends. Over the course of the year I got to hear from and connect with so many people that I hadn’t seen in years and it just warmed my heart. I participated in an amazing photoshoot (thanks BeautfulSelf!), I was ON Dr. Oz on TV, I met Hoda Kotb on TV and I just celebrated MY 39th birthday. Throughout all of the bad and the craziness that consumed my life this year, there were so many other amazing moments. And to be able to find and remember the good moments in a year that you can barely even remember, is just a feeling that I can’t even begin to explain. But I’m doing it.
So I say goodbye to 2019, but as some might think, not good riddance. 2019 is the year that saved my life. If I hadn’t found what I found myself the night of December 9th 2018, I’m not sure what life would look like today, as we head into another new year. But I am ready for 2020. A new year, a new decade. It’s the year that I focus on the new me. I’m disease free and am slowly reacquainting myself with the outside world again.
In 2020, there are no resolutions. Just learning to live as I am now. My primary two goals- to spend as much time as I can with my husband, my kids, my parents, my sister and the rest of family and friends and to do everything I possibly can to take care of myself as a whole, so that I can live healthy and happy.
I wish everyone a healthy and a happy new year. Only good things for everyone in 2020.
💪🏻💗😊
Monday, December 30, 2019
Wednesday, December 25, 2019
Wednesday December 25, 2019
Christmas morning, Christmas Day.
So fun to see everyone enjoying their day! For us on a day like today, it’s usually an “everything is closed so what are we going to do with ourselves” kind of day. In the past, before kids, Jason and I would take part in the movies and Chinese food tradition, as you would find most people who are Jewish doing the same, but now it’s too crowded and too much planning and we just aren’t into it anymore. Maybe later we’ll order Chinese food in, but we know on a night like tonight we have to have our order placed at least 3 hours in advance, or else we’ll never get our food.
When I was younger, I remember going to Atlantic City on Christmas Eve to Christmas Day and that was always fun. Back then Tropicana was Trop World and it had an indoor amusement park. Rides, arcade games, it was the best. So my sister and I, and whoever else came to meet us down there would drop us kids off there and the grown ups would go do their thing. It was so much fun. But that doesn’t exist anymore. And we went away for for Christmas Eve/Christmas Day 2 years ago when I was pregnant with Ryan. We took Matthew to Hershey park for the night. We said we would go back last year but because of my situation, it just didn’t work out. So we kept saying for this year we’d take both the kids for the night. But Jason had to work yesterday and has to work tomorrow so it wasn’t going to work. Turns out not being able to go anywhere overnight this year as a family, was actually a blessing in disguise.
When is the last time you were actually able to say you could feel your heart feeling happy? I mean there are tons of things that happen everyday that make me happy but feeling that warm, fuzzy, happy feeling that you can feel in your heart and encompasses your entire upper body..... that’s exactly how I can describe how I felt this morning.
It’s still very hard for me to get out of bed in the morning. It’s a new me.... I have to have about a half hour or so before I actually come to, after initially waking up. Everyone here is used to it so this morning my kids jumped into our bed and we all snuggled and watched Ryan’s kids songs, and that’s my favorite way to wake up. Once I was finally up and out of bed, I took my coffee over to a chair in our living room where my kids were playing and I just sat back and watched. Jason was on the floor with the both of them but he was just hanging back too. And for the first time, in a very, very long time, we didn’t have to play with them. My two little boys were playing with each other. Without us. I looked at them, I looked at Jason watching them playing, and that heartwarming feeling came over me. Our kids are finally at the age where they can start to play together. I saw this a few weeks ago as well when I took both kids to an open play place, but it wasn’t until this morning when we were finally just hanging out as a family that I was able to see it in our own house. Just the 4 of us. Then I also realized that we haven’t sat together like this, as a family with nothing to do, in a long time as well. The weekends have also been busy, with karate and tball before it ended, and other things going on, and before all of that for the past almost year, I spent my weekends in bed. I missed out on a ton of family time. This morning and even right now, it’s absolutely perfect. Ryan is napping, Matthew is playing outside with Jason, and I’m sitting with my feet up. And maybe I’ll heat up some fun snacks for us in a bit.
We don’t celebrate Christmas, we don’t open presents up on Christmas morning, but I can assure you I have the exact same sentiments, gratitude, and all around happiness that I see in all of your beautiful family pictures this today. I feel so lucky, so grateful for everything I do have and for everyone that I have in my life, and so thankful for these precious moments where life can really slow down, even when you weren’t expecting it to or had other ideas that didn’t pan out.
A year ago today I was very frightful of what was to come. Here we are a year later and I’m sitting here today relaxing at home with my family, and I know it’s exactly where we are supposed to be. Thankful, grateful, happy, and extremely blessed. That’s what today is all about and I’m right here with all of you.
Merry Christmas to all of you out there who are celebrating today. Happy Hanukkah to the rest of my crew. And happy everything to everyone else. 💗
Christmas morning, Christmas Day.
So fun to see everyone enjoying their day! For us on a day like today, it’s usually an “everything is closed so what are we going to do with ourselves” kind of day. In the past, before kids, Jason and I would take part in the movies and Chinese food tradition, as you would find most people who are Jewish doing the same, but now it’s too crowded and too much planning and we just aren’t into it anymore. Maybe later we’ll order Chinese food in, but we know on a night like tonight we have to have our order placed at least 3 hours in advance, or else we’ll never get our food.
When I was younger, I remember going to Atlantic City on Christmas Eve to Christmas Day and that was always fun. Back then Tropicana was Trop World and it had an indoor amusement park. Rides, arcade games, it was the best. So my sister and I, and whoever else came to meet us down there would drop us kids off there and the grown ups would go do their thing. It was so much fun. But that doesn’t exist anymore. And we went away for for Christmas Eve/Christmas Day 2 years ago when I was pregnant with Ryan. We took Matthew to Hershey park for the night. We said we would go back last year but because of my situation, it just didn’t work out. So we kept saying for this year we’d take both the kids for the night. But Jason had to work yesterday and has to work tomorrow so it wasn’t going to work. Turns out not being able to go anywhere overnight this year as a family, was actually a blessing in disguise.
When is the last time you were actually able to say you could feel your heart feeling happy? I mean there are tons of things that happen everyday that make me happy but feeling that warm, fuzzy, happy feeling that you can feel in your heart and encompasses your entire upper body..... that’s exactly how I can describe how I felt this morning.
It’s still very hard for me to get out of bed in the morning. It’s a new me.... I have to have about a half hour or so before I actually come to, after initially waking up. Everyone here is used to it so this morning my kids jumped into our bed and we all snuggled and watched Ryan’s kids songs, and that’s my favorite way to wake up. Once I was finally up and out of bed, I took my coffee over to a chair in our living room where my kids were playing and I just sat back and watched. Jason was on the floor with the both of them but he was just hanging back too. And for the first time, in a very, very long time, we didn’t have to play with them. My two little boys were playing with each other. Without us. I looked at them, I looked at Jason watching them playing, and that heartwarming feeling came over me. Our kids are finally at the age where they can start to play together. I saw this a few weeks ago as well when I took both kids to an open play place, but it wasn’t until this morning when we were finally just hanging out as a family that I was able to see it in our own house. Just the 4 of us. Then I also realized that we haven’t sat together like this, as a family with nothing to do, in a long time as well. The weekends have also been busy, with karate and tball before it ended, and other things going on, and before all of that for the past almost year, I spent my weekends in bed. I missed out on a ton of family time. This morning and even right now, it’s absolutely perfect. Ryan is napping, Matthew is playing outside with Jason, and I’m sitting with my feet up. And maybe I’ll heat up some fun snacks for us in a bit.
We don’t celebrate Christmas, we don’t open presents up on Christmas morning, but I can assure you I have the exact same sentiments, gratitude, and all around happiness that I see in all of your beautiful family pictures this today. I feel so lucky, so grateful for everything I do have and for everyone that I have in my life, and so thankful for these precious moments where life can really slow down, even when you weren’t expecting it to or had other ideas that didn’t pan out.
A year ago today I was very frightful of what was to come. Here we are a year later and I’m sitting here today relaxing at home with my family, and I know it’s exactly where we are supposed to be. Thankful, grateful, happy, and extremely blessed. That’s what today is all about and I’m right here with all of you.
Merry Christmas to all of you out there who are celebrating today. Happy Hanukkah to the rest of my crew. And happy everything to everyone else. 💗
Thursday, December 12, 2019
December 12, 2019
A year ago today I had my first imaging done. The mammogram and the ultrasound that confirmed the unthinkable. Today, here I am a year later, disease free but still working hard to put myself back together.
No one talks about the aftermath, especially the aftermath of such aggressive treatments as I had this past year. Yesterday my oncologist described it not only as a new normal, but a completely new paradigm. And he’s right. Things might never be the way they once were and so now I have to learn how to manage the symptoms that still remain so that I can return to living normally in this new paradigm. It will take some work but I’ll get there.
I’m 28 weeks out from chemo, 23 weeks out from surgery which involved some complications for a few weeks after, and I’m only 9 weeks out from my last radiation session. 28 weeks out from chemo, but I had 16 rounds of it accumulating in my body. 23 weeks out from surgery but I still have limited range of motion, nerve issues, daily pain which I’m trying to manage, and I’m still not finished with procedures. 9 weeks out from radiation, after 28 consecutive sessions, that left me with horrible burns, extreme fatigue, as if I wasn’t fatigued already from everything else, and problems swallowing food, which that thankfully was resolved. I’m not in what’s considered “active treatment” anymore but I’m still being treated, as I get injections every 4 weeks and take medication which I’ll most likely be on for the next 10 years. Injections and medication that come with even more side effects, as if I didn’t have enough to contend with already.
This past week I went for X-rays to try to figure out my nerve issue, a bone density scan which revealed that I now have osteopenia, and an ultrasound of my liver, which was a bit of a scare but turned out to be nothing to be too alarmed about at this time. These scans this week were completed at the same radiology facility where I had my first scans a year ago and the same place where I had my biopsy done just 2 days later. Needless to say, it was a little hard this time around because believe it or not, PTSD does exist for cancer patients and I’m in the beginning stages of trying to determine if I have some form of it, which I’m absolutely certain that I do.
There’s a lot that comes after “active treatment” is over. I fought a battle within my own body. I had a sickness that I needed to overcome by having poison consume my entire body that literally broke my entire body down. Now I have to build it back up. For the 10 months that I was in active treatment, it will take at the very least, double the amount of time for my body to heal. Healing and recovering with kids to raise. With life that goes on.
I’ve been through a medical trauma and although im disease free, I’m still fighting on the inside. Fighting one day at a time because I’m always tired, something always hurts, and I’m still not quite whole yet. I will be... I have no doubt that I will be whole again. But it will take time. And I’m ok with that. With the help of my family, my medical team, and everyone who has been and still is supporting me, I’ll get there. Just know that I’m working on it. I miss my friends, I miss working, I miss a lot of things. But I need to feel whole again before I can move forward. I’m slowly putting me back together.
Sometimes I feel like I can sleep for days and then there are nights like tonight when I can’t fall asleep at all. So I figured I’d write a bit, give an update, and get some things out. It had been awhile anyways.
Thanks for reading. 💗
A year ago today I had my first imaging done. The mammogram and the ultrasound that confirmed the unthinkable. Today, here I am a year later, disease free but still working hard to put myself back together.
No one talks about the aftermath, especially the aftermath of such aggressive treatments as I had this past year. Yesterday my oncologist described it not only as a new normal, but a completely new paradigm. And he’s right. Things might never be the way they once were and so now I have to learn how to manage the symptoms that still remain so that I can return to living normally in this new paradigm. It will take some work but I’ll get there.
I’m 28 weeks out from chemo, 23 weeks out from surgery which involved some complications for a few weeks after, and I’m only 9 weeks out from my last radiation session. 28 weeks out from chemo, but I had 16 rounds of it accumulating in my body. 23 weeks out from surgery but I still have limited range of motion, nerve issues, daily pain which I’m trying to manage, and I’m still not finished with procedures. 9 weeks out from radiation, after 28 consecutive sessions, that left me with horrible burns, extreme fatigue, as if I wasn’t fatigued already from everything else, and problems swallowing food, which that thankfully was resolved. I’m not in what’s considered “active treatment” anymore but I’m still being treated, as I get injections every 4 weeks and take medication which I’ll most likely be on for the next 10 years. Injections and medication that come with even more side effects, as if I didn’t have enough to contend with already.
This past week I went for X-rays to try to figure out my nerve issue, a bone density scan which revealed that I now have osteopenia, and an ultrasound of my liver, which was a bit of a scare but turned out to be nothing to be too alarmed about at this time. These scans this week were completed at the same radiology facility where I had my first scans a year ago and the same place where I had my biopsy done just 2 days later. Needless to say, it was a little hard this time around because believe it or not, PTSD does exist for cancer patients and I’m in the beginning stages of trying to determine if I have some form of it, which I’m absolutely certain that I do.
There’s a lot that comes after “active treatment” is over. I fought a battle within my own body. I had a sickness that I needed to overcome by having poison consume my entire body that literally broke my entire body down. Now I have to build it back up. For the 10 months that I was in active treatment, it will take at the very least, double the amount of time for my body to heal. Healing and recovering with kids to raise. With life that goes on.
I’ve been through a medical trauma and although im disease free, I’m still fighting on the inside. Fighting one day at a time because I’m always tired, something always hurts, and I’m still not quite whole yet. I will be... I have no doubt that I will be whole again. But it will take time. And I’m ok with that. With the help of my family, my medical team, and everyone who has been and still is supporting me, I’ll get there. Just know that I’m working on it. I miss my friends, I miss working, I miss a lot of things. But I need to feel whole again before I can move forward. I’m slowly putting me back together.
Sometimes I feel like I can sleep for days and then there are nights like tonight when I can’t fall asleep at all. So I figured I’d write a bit, give an update, and get some things out. It had been awhile anyways.
Thanks for reading. 💗
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