Tuesday June 22, 2020
Our eyes. Our eyes are pretty remarkable. They allow us to use this amazing sense some of us are lucky to have, to take in everything around us by sight. But not only are our eyes amazing for sight, they can be so much more. Have you ever looked a person in the eyes and knew what they were thinking at that exact moment? Like their eyes become a window into their minds? It’s just amazing these days with everyone’s faces covered up by masks, we are seeing everyone’s eyes so much more. Not that we weren’t seeing their eyes before, but that’s all we have on someone’s face to see. Sure, we look our loved ones in the eyes or friends when we talk, but how often have you been in a store or met someone new and paid attention to what their eyes are saying? I’m not sure I ever really have. And I know you can sense someone smiling, or maybe fuming, behind the mask they have on but if you pay attention to a person’s eyes, that’s where it’s at. Something amazing happened today. I saw someone’s emotions, a total stranger’s emotions through their eyes. And it was about me and my cancer journey and this person’s eyes just said a million words.
This afternoon I’m sitting in an exam room at my plastic surgeon’s office just waiting for a follow up exam and the nurse comes in and we started chatting. Before the doctor comes in, this nurse informs me that there is a new intern that just started in their practice, she’s 19 years old, interested in cancer care, and asks me if it would be ok if this intern were to come in with my doctor. She was following all Covid-19 protocols and wearing a mask as well so I said of course. With my experience this past year and a half, I’m an open book and in my opinion, this world always needs more people who want to go into the “cancer care” field.
So, in they walk and my doctor greets me as usual and then introduces their intern. I was told that this intern was briefed a bit on my story and background. That was great for me because I didn’t have to go into detail about my journey right then and I could answer any questions she had. My doctor examines me and explains a few things about my skin and how the radiated side looks different from the non radiated side. My doctor goes over a few self care things I need to do at home to help with my wound healing and asks this intern if she had any questions. She said no. But she kept looking at me. Looking at me kindly. All I could see were her eyes. And as she looked at me, I looked at her... this young 19 year old girl, and reiterated that I am an open book and she could ask me anything. She kindly continued to look at me, said no she had no questions and in that brief 20 or so seconds, her eyes seemed to say everything she was thinking in that moment. If her eyes could speak, to me they said sorry, wow, you are brave, I can’t believe what you’ve had to go through, and so much more- all at the same time. And not that I need anyone to say those things to me, it was just nice and from a complete stranger. I know wearing these masks are a hard thing to get used to, but I’ve been doing it since this all started back in March because had to keep all my doctor appointments. Life of a cancer patient, even a “free of disease” one, still goes on even when the world stops.
So the next time you wear a mask out and you have a conversation with someone else wearing a mask, pay attention to their eyes. It opens up a whole new way of communicating. 😊
Tuesday, June 23, 2020
Wednesday, June 3, 2020
Wednesday June 3, 2020
A lot of time has passed. I have so much to say, but where to start...
Since I’ve last written we’ve all been through quite a ride with the pandemic and being quarantined and now with the riots and the world seeming like it’s falling apart. So much sadness in the world right now but with all that’s going wrong, there’s still so much to be grateful for, thankful for, and hopeful for. At least to me there is.
When this quarantine first started, I was still recovering from chemo, surgery, radiation, the whole body physical limitations and ailments I had, and the emotional and mental toll that my journey with breast cancer had taken on me. All the while, still being as present as I could for my kids. Matthew was nearing the final stretch of his kindergarten year, Ryan was just enrolled in daycare a few days a week, and I was finally, finally, going to have quiet rest days again. Complete rest days and me days. Days to go to more doctors and to take care of myself so that I could heal. Then the pandemic started and the world stopped. And we were all home. So this time once again, wasn’t about me anymore and what I needed. It was about transitioning and getting everyone used to what was going to be our new normal for an unknown amount of time. The hard part - our family had already been through so much so making sure our kids, especially Matthew, were ok, mentally and emotionally from this huge change was of the utmost importance. So with all my physical limitations and ailments and all the PT I was doing and all the psychological work I was doing, had to be put on hold for a bit and I had to once again learn to move forward. So we began remote learning. Matthew had a hard time transitioning, as expected. So we had a lot on our hands with me, with Matthew, with Ryan home - making sure he was getting the interaction and playing he needed for his development, and Jason now being home too. And we have no help because no one can come into our home. And we can’t go into anyone else’s home. And we had to figure out food delivery and curbside because Jason and I wouldn’t dare go into a store, and still won’t. All I can say is thank goodness for all my years of acquiring effective classroom management skills and all my years of working with toddlers, where I was able to get Matthew and Ryan accustomed to our new routines, while transforming our kitchen into a classroom complete with a word wall with his sight words and all the visual aids he’d need, along with all of the visual aids Ryan could use to help him with his vocabulary. Getting our family used to this new lifestyle was no easy task, as I’m sure everyone can relate, but for us it was a lot.
For me, staying home though, was the easy part. Because that’s what I had been doing. For over a year I had to be very careful with who I came into contact with. I couldn’t kiss or hug anyone. I had hand sanitizer with me. I didn’t go to crowded places or places where I could possibly come into contact with germs. I had to stay away from my kids for days at a time - especially when they were sick. I had to quarantine myself away from them and my husband. So staying home... this was easy for me. So I was able to help ease the rest of my family into it. The hard part was not being able to know when I could continue with what I needed myself to continue to heal and when I’d ever be able to go forward with the surgeries that I still needed. But I was used to waiting so what was a little while longer, right? I could do it. I had no choice.
Throughout my entire cancer journey, the part that came to reconstruction was always a very hard thing for me to decide upon. I had months of research and talking to others that had every option I had done and appointments with plastic surgeons, but it was still a very hard thing for me to figure out. I had 3 options and nothing seemed appealing to me. I didn’t want to have a foreign object placed in me (implants) for the risk of all the complications that can come from them. There was already a type of implant that was founded to cause another type of cancer and although that type was removed and is no longer being used, who’s to say that whatever was placed in me wouldn’t result in that down the line? Or I could get another infection as I did with the expanders. Or I could be fine. I just wasn’t sure after everything I’d been through if that was a risk I’d be willing to take. And after 10 years they need to be replaced. I’m not even 40 yet. I don’t want to have to have surgery for replacements every 10 years. Then there are other ways to reconstruct with using muscle and fat from different parts of your body, mostly the stomach area which seems pretty appealing because it’s like you are getting a tummy tuck at the same time, but the recovery and the amount of recovery time.... listen... I’ve recovered from 2 c-sections and I’ve also recovered from a double mastectomy. I know what the recovery entails for both and I CANNOT imagine recovering from both at the same time. Which is pretty much what it would feel like. No way. Not for me. And to me, we don’t have extra muscles to move around. Our muscles are in place where they are for a reason. I don’t want to move muscle and tissue around. So the only other option, was to go flat. And I’ll never forget the day back in February when I made that decision. I was so excited that I had made this decision, that I couldn’t just call them - I had to drive over to my parents house just to tell them. I felt so clear and so free - like a weight had been lifted and I could breathe and think clearer. And then my surgery date was set for May and I was all ready. And then this pandemic happened and I wasn’t sure when I was going to be able to go through with this. I had been uncomfortable for so long, I just wanted this over with and the thought of it not being able to happen or not knowing when it would happen was so frustrating.
In the beginning of May I developed some new ailments that I needed to have scans done for. Areas in my body that weren’t hurting before, began to hurt a lot and we weren’t sure what was going on. I wasn’t meaning to jump to any conclusions, but someone like me would automatically go there. So needless to say it was pretty nerve wracking. Came to the conclusion, after scans, that I had fluid buildup around my expander and that could be contributing to my discomfort. Of course we were relieved to find out that it was nothing worse, but we all agreed - surgeons and oncologist, myself, my husband and my family - that it was time for this expander to come out. So as soon as we were given the green light for all non essential surgical procedures to resume, it was go time. Although my surgery was considered non essential, it was in fact very essential to me lol. So we were doing this. I was doing this. I couldn’t wait. I could taste and feel the sense of relief I was going to feel as soon as this procedure was over with. I was going to feel free. This was going to be my closure. I could finally be done. This thing in me could finally come out and that’s the end of this and then I could really heal and recover. This was my true light at the end of the tunnel.
So this past Monday, 6/1/2020, I went into my plastic surgeons practice and had my expander taken out and I was closed up. It didn’t have to be done in a hospital because my plastic surgeon has his own OR in his practice. So now on both sides I have nothing there and I’ve never been happier with a decision I’ve made. Something that caused me to be very sick, something that was life threatening, something that caused not only me but my family so much heartache and pain, now it’s over. And I don’t have to worry as much as if I had something placed in me or had a more invasive procedure.
Today I was able to take bandages off and was able to get a good look at what my surgeon did and I can honestly say all those freeing feelings I thought I’d feel - they were there and more. I was overwhelmed by thankfulness and gratitude and peace. This is where my life can start to get back on track. I’ll finally be able to move my arms again and bend again and eventually I’ll be able to walk for longer and play with my kids for longer and not feel like my body is falling apart. This is where I start to heal and my life gets to start returning back to what is normal for me and my husband and my kids. I still have one more surgical procedure to go through but later on in the summer most likely.
I have to say though - my kids, they are the absolute greatest. My Matthew is so kind and helps out so much. He offers to get things for me and wants to bring me water and asks to make me fruit salad. When I’m sleeping on the couch during the day he comes into the room to check on me. And my Ryan is the cutest. He climbs up on the couch next to me and leans on me and sits with me. He kisses my arm where he thinks mommy’s boo boo is and they both just melt my heart. The best is when I wake up from a nap or in the morning and I hear them laughing and playing together. It fills my soul. The silver lining to this time under quarantine.... my boys are playing more together and interacting more together and it’s exactly the way it should be.
So at a time where our world is falling apart and there’s so much sadness, I have found my happy and can be at peace with myself and I can be on the mend to feeling better. And I hope and pray that others can find their way as well.
Stay safe everyone.
#teammicheleforever
💪🏻💗🙏
A lot of time has passed. I have so much to say, but where to start...
Since I’ve last written we’ve all been through quite a ride with the pandemic and being quarantined and now with the riots and the world seeming like it’s falling apart. So much sadness in the world right now but with all that’s going wrong, there’s still so much to be grateful for, thankful for, and hopeful for. At least to me there is.
When this quarantine first started, I was still recovering from chemo, surgery, radiation, the whole body physical limitations and ailments I had, and the emotional and mental toll that my journey with breast cancer had taken on me. All the while, still being as present as I could for my kids. Matthew was nearing the final stretch of his kindergarten year, Ryan was just enrolled in daycare a few days a week, and I was finally, finally, going to have quiet rest days again. Complete rest days and me days. Days to go to more doctors and to take care of myself so that I could heal. Then the pandemic started and the world stopped. And we were all home. So this time once again, wasn’t about me anymore and what I needed. It was about transitioning and getting everyone used to what was going to be our new normal for an unknown amount of time. The hard part - our family had already been through so much so making sure our kids, especially Matthew, were ok, mentally and emotionally from this huge change was of the utmost importance. So with all my physical limitations and ailments and all the PT I was doing and all the psychological work I was doing, had to be put on hold for a bit and I had to once again learn to move forward. So we began remote learning. Matthew had a hard time transitioning, as expected. So we had a lot on our hands with me, with Matthew, with Ryan home - making sure he was getting the interaction and playing he needed for his development, and Jason now being home too. And we have no help because no one can come into our home. And we can’t go into anyone else’s home. And we had to figure out food delivery and curbside because Jason and I wouldn’t dare go into a store, and still won’t. All I can say is thank goodness for all my years of acquiring effective classroom management skills and all my years of working with toddlers, where I was able to get Matthew and Ryan accustomed to our new routines, while transforming our kitchen into a classroom complete with a word wall with his sight words and all the visual aids he’d need, along with all of the visual aids Ryan could use to help him with his vocabulary. Getting our family used to this new lifestyle was no easy task, as I’m sure everyone can relate, but for us it was a lot.
For me, staying home though, was the easy part. Because that’s what I had been doing. For over a year I had to be very careful with who I came into contact with. I couldn’t kiss or hug anyone. I had hand sanitizer with me. I didn’t go to crowded places or places where I could possibly come into contact with germs. I had to stay away from my kids for days at a time - especially when they were sick. I had to quarantine myself away from them and my husband. So staying home... this was easy for me. So I was able to help ease the rest of my family into it. The hard part was not being able to know when I could continue with what I needed myself to continue to heal and when I’d ever be able to go forward with the surgeries that I still needed. But I was used to waiting so what was a little while longer, right? I could do it. I had no choice.
Throughout my entire cancer journey, the part that came to reconstruction was always a very hard thing for me to decide upon. I had months of research and talking to others that had every option I had done and appointments with plastic surgeons, but it was still a very hard thing for me to figure out. I had 3 options and nothing seemed appealing to me. I didn’t want to have a foreign object placed in me (implants) for the risk of all the complications that can come from them. There was already a type of implant that was founded to cause another type of cancer and although that type was removed and is no longer being used, who’s to say that whatever was placed in me wouldn’t result in that down the line? Or I could get another infection as I did with the expanders. Or I could be fine. I just wasn’t sure after everything I’d been through if that was a risk I’d be willing to take. And after 10 years they need to be replaced. I’m not even 40 yet. I don’t want to have to have surgery for replacements every 10 years. Then there are other ways to reconstruct with using muscle and fat from different parts of your body, mostly the stomach area which seems pretty appealing because it’s like you are getting a tummy tuck at the same time, but the recovery and the amount of recovery time.... listen... I’ve recovered from 2 c-sections and I’ve also recovered from a double mastectomy. I know what the recovery entails for both and I CANNOT imagine recovering from both at the same time. Which is pretty much what it would feel like. No way. Not for me. And to me, we don’t have extra muscles to move around. Our muscles are in place where they are for a reason. I don’t want to move muscle and tissue around. So the only other option, was to go flat. And I’ll never forget the day back in February when I made that decision. I was so excited that I had made this decision, that I couldn’t just call them - I had to drive over to my parents house just to tell them. I felt so clear and so free - like a weight had been lifted and I could breathe and think clearer. And then my surgery date was set for May and I was all ready. And then this pandemic happened and I wasn’t sure when I was going to be able to go through with this. I had been uncomfortable for so long, I just wanted this over with and the thought of it not being able to happen or not knowing when it would happen was so frustrating.
In the beginning of May I developed some new ailments that I needed to have scans done for. Areas in my body that weren’t hurting before, began to hurt a lot and we weren’t sure what was going on. I wasn’t meaning to jump to any conclusions, but someone like me would automatically go there. So needless to say it was pretty nerve wracking. Came to the conclusion, after scans, that I had fluid buildup around my expander and that could be contributing to my discomfort. Of course we were relieved to find out that it was nothing worse, but we all agreed - surgeons and oncologist, myself, my husband and my family - that it was time for this expander to come out. So as soon as we were given the green light for all non essential surgical procedures to resume, it was go time. Although my surgery was considered non essential, it was in fact very essential to me lol. So we were doing this. I was doing this. I couldn’t wait. I could taste and feel the sense of relief I was going to feel as soon as this procedure was over with. I was going to feel free. This was going to be my closure. I could finally be done. This thing in me could finally come out and that’s the end of this and then I could really heal and recover. This was my true light at the end of the tunnel.
So this past Monday, 6/1/2020, I went into my plastic surgeons practice and had my expander taken out and I was closed up. It didn’t have to be done in a hospital because my plastic surgeon has his own OR in his practice. So now on both sides I have nothing there and I’ve never been happier with a decision I’ve made. Something that caused me to be very sick, something that was life threatening, something that caused not only me but my family so much heartache and pain, now it’s over. And I don’t have to worry as much as if I had something placed in me or had a more invasive procedure.
Today I was able to take bandages off and was able to get a good look at what my surgeon did and I can honestly say all those freeing feelings I thought I’d feel - they were there and more. I was overwhelmed by thankfulness and gratitude and peace. This is where my life can start to get back on track. I’ll finally be able to move my arms again and bend again and eventually I’ll be able to walk for longer and play with my kids for longer and not feel like my body is falling apart. This is where I start to heal and my life gets to start returning back to what is normal for me and my husband and my kids. I still have one more surgical procedure to go through but later on in the summer most likely.
I have to say though - my kids, they are the absolute greatest. My Matthew is so kind and helps out so much. He offers to get things for me and wants to bring me water and asks to make me fruit salad. When I’m sleeping on the couch during the day he comes into the room to check on me. And my Ryan is the cutest. He climbs up on the couch next to me and leans on me and sits with me. He kisses my arm where he thinks mommy’s boo boo is and they both just melt my heart. The best is when I wake up from a nap or in the morning and I hear them laughing and playing together. It fills my soul. The silver lining to this time under quarantine.... my boys are playing more together and interacting more together and it’s exactly the way it should be.
So at a time where our world is falling apart and there’s so much sadness, I have found my happy and can be at peace with myself and I can be on the mend to feeling better. And I hope and pray that others can find their way as well.
Stay safe everyone.
#teammicheleforever
💪🏻💗🙏
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