June 29, 2019- Saturday Night 10pm
I haven’t been writing much lately. There’s just been so much going on within the past few weeks, that except for the residual side effects of the chemo that I’ve learned to put up with or my weekly doctor appointments, I’ve kind of managed to put the C word to rest for a bit. Not that I couldn’t or wouldn’t talk about it, but it was nice to not have to think about it on a constant basis for a little bit.
So where have I been or what have I been up to since my chemo ended? Well, we’ve spent quality time as a family going to Sesame Place, Point Pleasant boardwalk, out to dinner together, and playing in our backyard. We’ve had friends over to our house, Jason and I have gone out on our own date nights or date days, and I’ve gone to dinner with friends. We celebrated Matthew’s 5th birthday and got to see him graduate Pre-K. I drove by myself to Haverstraw, NY to hang with my sister and my niece on the beautiful Hudson, I took Ryan to the beach, had mommy/Matthew time, and I took Ryan on his first merry go round ride. I participated in a Stomp the Monster event with my amazing, supportive family and friends to help raise money for other cancer patients and caregivers. I shopped by myself, spent time with my sister, my parents, my other close family members, my friends, and had play dates for Ryan. I also reunited with family that I hadn’t seen in quite some time. I ate foods that I hadn’t been able to tolerate in months, enjoyed some ice cream and some good wine from time to time, had some time to visit with coworkers and my class, and I finally made it to see Matthew’s last t-ball game. I’ve spent time awake all day on a Friday and have been able to stay up at night, and I’ve been functional on a Saturday and Sunday. There’s probably more, but I’m a little forgetful these days. Chemo brain is real. So, all this in a matter of 4 weeks. Do I still have pains? Yes, almost everywhere, usually all of the time. Do I still get tired easily? Always. Do I need help with the kids? Yes. But, I learned and am continuing to learn how to manage. I was told by my oncologist that for as long as I was receiving chemo treatments, it will take my body at the very least, the same amount of time if not a little longer, to return back to normal. So, I’ve been living my life and doing all of the things I haven’t been able to do in awhile, things I won’t be able to do for awhile again, and all of the things that we sometimes take for granted. Time that can never be gotten back- especially that time with my kids, my husband, and my family. Life certainly takes those unexpected turns and there’s absolutely no time to waste.
The past few months have certainly been nothing short of a rollercoaster ride with the ups and downs and twists and turns and everything and anything else in between with having stage 3 invasive ductal carcinoma breast cancer. A cancer that I found on my own with not only one tumor, but 2 tumors as I was only 7 months postpartum with our rainbow baby that we had been waiting for, for just about 3 years. It’s now been almost 7 months since the night I felt my tumors, a few days over 6 months since the day that I was given my diagnosis, and exactly 4 weeks to the day that I had my last chemo. And on this Monday, July 1st - 2 days, or as I write this, in just about 32 hours from now, I will be heading into surgery for my double mastectomy. A surgery that I’ve been waiting patiently for, for the past 6 months because all I’ve wanted since the day I was given my diagnosis was to get these cancer causing tumors and anything else related out of me and off of me. Even though the cancer is only on the left side, I’ve elected to do both. I want to do everything I can to prevent this from ever happening again. So bilateral mastectomy, which is the correct medical term for what I’m having done, here I come.
I’ve been through surgery before. When I was in 8th grade, at only 13 years old, I had my first arthroscopic knee surgery on my right knee. A few years later, in the beginning of the summer of 1999 I had arthroscopic knee surgery on my left knee. In 2014 I had my first c-section- not planned, in 2016 I had my gallbladder removed and in 2018 I had my 2nd, this time planned, c-section. So the fact that I’m having another surgery, doesn’t really bother me. Although the recovery will be a little different, right now as I’m thinking about it, I’m not at all phased by it. The unknown- that becomes the unnerving part. How much tissue has it invaded? Is it in my lymph nodes? Will they find anything else that we didn’t know about? How uncomfortable will these expanders that are being put in to hold the place for implants down the road, actually be? When will I really be able to lift my arms well again? When will I really be able to hold my 14 month old? When will I finally be able to return to somewhat of normalcy? A majority of these questions are just a wait and see kind of game and just remembering in the back of my mind that there is, thankfully, a light at the end of this tunnel and that light is getting closer and closer.
Today I was finally able to take Matthew to karate. I hadn’t been able to see him do karate since the beginning of March. I spent the rest of the day hanging out with my family. I had a water fight with Matthew, ran around with Ryan and Jason, and we had my parents with us for dinner. Tonight I rocked Ryan to sleep and I sat and played with Matthew. Tomorrow morning we are getting out as soon as the kids are up, to head to my favorite beach spot on Avon for a few hours. Soaking up every moment I can.
I have to be at the hospital at 5:30am Monday morning. My procedure is scheduled for 7:15am. Jason, my parents, and my sister will be with me. Arrangements for my kids have been made, as Matthew has camp and Ryan will be with my in-laws. I will be staying overnight on Monday at the hospital but I’m definitely pushing for Tuesday night as well, as it will be easier to rest at the hospital. Jason, my sister, and my parents will update when they can and I’m sure at some point someone will hop onto the group page and post something so you’ll all know how I’m doing once I’m out of surgery and situated and all.
Again, from as deep as my heart can go, I thank you. I thank you for all of your continued support, good wishes, and prayers. I am one lucky girl with so many people and so much to be grateful and thankful for. I appreciate everything and everyone so much.
TeamMichele is at it again...💗🙏💪🏻
Saturday, June 29, 2019
Monday, June 17, 2019
Monday June 17, 2019
Yesterday marked 5 months since my chemo treatments started and it’s been almost three weeks since my chemo treatments ended. I haven’t written in awhile and I know some of you have been checking in on me and wondering how I’m doing, what’s been going on, and what’s next. I had some time tonight so I figured I’d do an update.
So how am I doing? I’m doing ok. Last week and the week before that, I kept myself pretty busy doing things that I hadn’t been able to do in quite sometime. Maybe too busy, but I was ok with that. It was refreshing to be awake and alert on a Friday night or up and out on a Saturday/Sunday morning instead of sleeping the days away. I ran and played with my boys, went for walks, saw the beach twice, among some other fun things. The most important part was just spending quality time with all of my family, friends, and all the people I love the most, as often as I could.
My chemo was over, and at the time of it ending I had 4 weeks before surgery. The first of those weeks being no cancer related things at all, except for a support group meeting. I put it out of my mind untiI needed to remember again. The second chemo free week I had support group meetings, which I love going to, and a visit with my oncologist. Here we are at my third chemo free week and we are starting back up again. Appointments Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday is my pre admission testing at the hospital because my procedure is July 1st- exactly 2 weeks from today.
As much as I wanted to put cancer out of my mind for a bit, I found it hard to do so after awhile. At night is when it would, or still does hit me. It’s not that I’m pushing myself at all, I’m just not sure of what I can handle so I try and if I’m tired or something hurts, I back down or stop completely. My sleeping is off again so I’m tired from not sleeping and just plain old tired again. 3-4 months of chemo, I was told it’s still in my body so I’ll still have side effects, though not as harsh anymore, and for as long as I received the treatments, it will take that amount of time for my body to start to become normal again. I still have bone pain, muscle aches, my fingers tingle especially after holding something in my hand for awhile, and other side effects that I’m just used to by now.
So I’m just biding my time, doing as much as my body allows, until July 1st. July 1st is my double mastectomy, lymph node testing, and expander placement.
Tomorrow I meet with my plastic surgeon to go over exactly what to expect in just 2 weeks from today. I also go back to my oncologist this Wednesday and each time I go I do bloodwork first to check all of my numbers. So let’s keep hoping my numbers stay the way they need to be so that I can go on with this procedure July 1st and get these tumors out of me!
Thanks for thinking of me, checking in on me, and continuing to support me! :)
Michele
💗💪🏻🙏
Yesterday marked 5 months since my chemo treatments started and it’s been almost three weeks since my chemo treatments ended. I haven’t written in awhile and I know some of you have been checking in on me and wondering how I’m doing, what’s been going on, and what’s next. I had some time tonight so I figured I’d do an update.
So how am I doing? I’m doing ok. Last week and the week before that, I kept myself pretty busy doing things that I hadn’t been able to do in quite sometime. Maybe too busy, but I was ok with that. It was refreshing to be awake and alert on a Friday night or up and out on a Saturday/Sunday morning instead of sleeping the days away. I ran and played with my boys, went for walks, saw the beach twice, among some other fun things. The most important part was just spending quality time with all of my family, friends, and all the people I love the most, as often as I could.
My chemo was over, and at the time of it ending I had 4 weeks before surgery. The first of those weeks being no cancer related things at all, except for a support group meeting. I put it out of my mind untiI needed to remember again. The second chemo free week I had support group meetings, which I love going to, and a visit with my oncologist. Here we are at my third chemo free week and we are starting back up again. Appointments Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday is my pre admission testing at the hospital because my procedure is July 1st- exactly 2 weeks from today.
As much as I wanted to put cancer out of my mind for a bit, I found it hard to do so after awhile. At night is when it would, or still does hit me. It’s not that I’m pushing myself at all, I’m just not sure of what I can handle so I try and if I’m tired or something hurts, I back down or stop completely. My sleeping is off again so I’m tired from not sleeping and just plain old tired again. 3-4 months of chemo, I was told it’s still in my body so I’ll still have side effects, though not as harsh anymore, and for as long as I received the treatments, it will take that amount of time for my body to start to become normal again. I still have bone pain, muscle aches, my fingers tingle especially after holding something in my hand for awhile, and other side effects that I’m just used to by now.
So I’m just biding my time, doing as much as my body allows, until July 1st. July 1st is my double mastectomy, lymph node testing, and expander placement.
Tomorrow I meet with my plastic surgeon to go over exactly what to expect in just 2 weeks from today. I also go back to my oncologist this Wednesday and each time I go I do bloodwork first to check all of my numbers. So let’s keep hoping my numbers stay the way they need to be so that I can go on with this procedure July 1st and get these tumors out of me!
Thanks for thinking of me, checking in on me, and continuing to support me! :)
Michele
💗💪🏻🙏
Wednesday, June 5, 2019
Wednesday June 5, 2019
8:30pm
It’s a Wednesday night and I just rocked my Ryan to sleep and placed him in his crib. All on my own. Something I haven’t been able to do on a Wednesday night, let alone on most nights, since January 15th. And come this July 1st, I won’t be able to do what I did tonight again for several weeks. I’m soaking up every moment, every second that I can, with a different appreciation, a different mindset, doing things I haven’t been able to do by myself in months and won’t be able to do for awhile again, in just a few short weeks.
It’s Wednesday night, it’s now 9:30pm and I’m still awake. I actually sat down to have dinner with my husband after the kids went to sleep. We ordered in, I had my favorite veggie sushi rolls and a glass of wine, and was able to have a normal conversation with Jason while we ate. I can think clearly and I’m not anxious about not feeling well for the rest of the week. What an amazing feeling.
I’ve been taking full advantage of being finished with my chemo treatments. I started taking full advantage right out of the gate- the moment I started feeling slightly ok on Saturday. That’s when I took my 30 min walk. Sunday was our big Stomp the Monster event. We were up and out early. We had fun with family and friends, I completed a 1 mile walk, and was able to sit outside and play with my kids in the backyard when we got home. Monday I took Ryan to the beach in the morning. The beach is my absolute favorite place and I decided on a whim that I needed to see it. I needed to smell my favorite beach air, see the ocean and put my feet in the sand with my baby. I went to my Avon By the Sea, yes I say my because I’ve been going to this same beach since I was about 10 years old, put Ryan in the stroller and we walked. Those of you who know my, or our beach because there’s a lot of you out here that go there or meet us there too, I walked from the pavilion all the way over the bridge to Belmar by the fishing club and then turned around and walked back. Then went on the sand and played around for a bit. The best way to spend the first Monday morning of my first chemo free week. Better if Matthew and Jason were with us, but just me and Ryan worked out just fine. Tuesday I felt ok enough to drive myself all the way up to Haverstraw, NY to visit my sister and play with my niece and drive back home again later that evening. An almost 2 hour trip each way, up the parkway, to the palisades, and back. It was a beautiful day. I had my sunroof open all along the drive, I managed traffic and those crazy parkway drivers, and walked around and sat outside overlooking the Hudson for about 2 hours while my niece napped in her stroller.
Today, a Wednesday, the first Wednesday since January 16th that I’m not seeing my oncologist and the first Wednesday in 12 weeks that I’m not sitting in a chemo chair, Jason and I celebrated this wonderful occasion by taking our two beautiful boys to Sesame Place. Tomorrow, June 6th, is Matthew’s 5th birthday and for weeks, since he knows how much his little brother loves Elmo, has been talking about how fun it would be to go to Sesame Place all together so that he and Ryan could see Elmo for both of their birthdays. Ryan just had his first birthday on April 30th. So we thought this would be the perfect day to do just that. And it was. I pushed a stroller, I actually took Matthew on some rides, we took pictures with our favorite characters, and watched the street parade. Matthew went in the wading pool and of course Ryan wanted to follow after him so Jason took them both in. Matthew wasn’t interested in watching the street parade but I knew Ryan would love it so Jason stayed with Matthew while I took Ryan over. I bought my favorite Dip N Dots, for a snack for the parade which of course we shared, I held Ryan while I danced us around in our perfect shady spot, and we watched that parade. Sesame Street was always my favorite growing up and it holds a special place in my heart so I getting to see my little Ryan’s face light up as he watched Big Bird, Elmo and his other favs dance right by him made my everything. I couldn’t get any good pictures of him watching, but the memory of what his face looked like and how he cheered for his Elmo, will be forever ingrained in my mind and that’s just perfect for me. And Matthew’s face when he was told just this very morning that he wasn’t going to school today (sorry to his teachers 😜)because we were all going to Sesame Place for an early birthday celebration, was absolutely priceless too. The time we all spent together there, not thinking about cancer or chemo, the whole day with my boys and my husband, celebrating a lot of things today, was just what I, and probably all 4 of us needed.
Tomorrow Matthew will go to school and celebrate with his friends (yes I’m sending in acceptable birthday treats 😉)and during the day I will hopefully see my friends and hang out with Ryan. Then we will all celebrate with our, omg, 5 year old. And the rest of the week and weekend and the up and coming weeks we have lots of things planned. And I’m so happy about that.
I want to do as much as I can in these next few weeks. Because even though my chemo is over, my cancer journey is not. I have 4 weeks to live as normally as I can before the next phase. The next phase- I’m going in July 1st for my surgery. A double mastectomy. At that time they will remove everything, my tumors, sample my lymph nodes, and I will be left with what are called expanders, which will hold the space for however long it needs to be held for, until I can go back in for another procedure for reconstruction. Reconstruction cannot happen at the same time as my double mastectomy because we need to wait for pathology reports to know if I’ll need radiation. If I need radiation, we start that in August and I won’t be able to have the reconstruction procedure done until 6 months after radiation is completed because we don’t want any new reconstruction radiated. If I don’t need radiation, I go back in a few weeks later to have my reconstruction. What determines if I need radiation? My pathology reports from taking my tumors and sampling lymph nodes and anything else they might find during the mastectomy procedure. Recovery time after the mastectomy procedure? I’m not even thinking about it right now but I am bracing myself and I know from talking to others that obviously from the procedure itself and from the wonderful expanders I’ll be getting, that I’ll probably be uncomfortable for quite some time. But that’s to be thought about in a few weeks from now. Not yet.
So, like I said, I’m enjoying every single moment I can right now, and I am in somewhat of a new light. This new light is a feeling I can’t quite put into words yet, but a feeling that I think that only someone who has physically and mentally gone through what I have over the course of these past few months, can relate to.
Am I tired? Yes. Do I still have some ailments? Yes. I still have bone pain at times, I’m sore today from walking so much, and I still have tingling in my hands and fingertips at times. And my strength is nowhere like it used to be. So yes my arms hurt after holding Ryan for a bit and my back is sore after 2 hours of driving but anything I’m experiencing now, I can handle because it’s nothing, absolutely nothing compared to what I’ve just experienced. I’m not overdoing it, I’m listening to my body and I’m resting when I need to, but I won’t let anything get in my way of doing anything I want to do in these next few weeks, within reason. I still won’t go to inclosed crowded public places, I still have to be careful with germs, and I’m unfortunately not allowed to go in a public pool. So I’ll take what I can get and enjoy what I can do, while I can.
The chemo did exactly what it was intended to do and thankfully shrunk my tumors so I’m now operable, but the cancer is still inside me. I love living as normally as I can for these next few weeks but am still cognizant that, as I’ve said, that my journey is not over. But as horrible as that chemo was, I’m so forever grateful that it did its job so that I’m able to enjoy more moments with my kids, my family, and everyone else right now and when this craziness is finally able to be put behind me.
Thank you all for continuing to support me and for continuing to keep me and my family in your thoughts.
💗
Michele
8:30pm
It’s a Wednesday night and I just rocked my Ryan to sleep and placed him in his crib. All on my own. Something I haven’t been able to do on a Wednesday night, let alone on most nights, since January 15th. And come this July 1st, I won’t be able to do what I did tonight again for several weeks. I’m soaking up every moment, every second that I can, with a different appreciation, a different mindset, doing things I haven’t been able to do by myself in months and won’t be able to do for awhile again, in just a few short weeks.
It’s Wednesday night, it’s now 9:30pm and I’m still awake. I actually sat down to have dinner with my husband after the kids went to sleep. We ordered in, I had my favorite veggie sushi rolls and a glass of wine, and was able to have a normal conversation with Jason while we ate. I can think clearly and I’m not anxious about not feeling well for the rest of the week. What an amazing feeling.
I’ve been taking full advantage of being finished with my chemo treatments. I started taking full advantage right out of the gate- the moment I started feeling slightly ok on Saturday. That’s when I took my 30 min walk. Sunday was our big Stomp the Monster event. We were up and out early. We had fun with family and friends, I completed a 1 mile walk, and was able to sit outside and play with my kids in the backyard when we got home. Monday I took Ryan to the beach in the morning. The beach is my absolute favorite place and I decided on a whim that I needed to see it. I needed to smell my favorite beach air, see the ocean and put my feet in the sand with my baby. I went to my Avon By the Sea, yes I say my because I’ve been going to this same beach since I was about 10 years old, put Ryan in the stroller and we walked. Those of you who know my, or our beach because there’s a lot of you out here that go there or meet us there too, I walked from the pavilion all the way over the bridge to Belmar by the fishing club and then turned around and walked back. Then went on the sand and played around for a bit. The best way to spend the first Monday morning of my first chemo free week. Better if Matthew and Jason were with us, but just me and Ryan worked out just fine. Tuesday I felt ok enough to drive myself all the way up to Haverstraw, NY to visit my sister and play with my niece and drive back home again later that evening. An almost 2 hour trip each way, up the parkway, to the palisades, and back. It was a beautiful day. I had my sunroof open all along the drive, I managed traffic and those crazy parkway drivers, and walked around and sat outside overlooking the Hudson for about 2 hours while my niece napped in her stroller.
Today, a Wednesday, the first Wednesday since January 16th that I’m not seeing my oncologist and the first Wednesday in 12 weeks that I’m not sitting in a chemo chair, Jason and I celebrated this wonderful occasion by taking our two beautiful boys to Sesame Place. Tomorrow, June 6th, is Matthew’s 5th birthday and for weeks, since he knows how much his little brother loves Elmo, has been talking about how fun it would be to go to Sesame Place all together so that he and Ryan could see Elmo for both of their birthdays. Ryan just had his first birthday on April 30th. So we thought this would be the perfect day to do just that. And it was. I pushed a stroller, I actually took Matthew on some rides, we took pictures with our favorite characters, and watched the street parade. Matthew went in the wading pool and of course Ryan wanted to follow after him so Jason took them both in. Matthew wasn’t interested in watching the street parade but I knew Ryan would love it so Jason stayed with Matthew while I took Ryan over. I bought my favorite Dip N Dots, for a snack for the parade which of course we shared, I held Ryan while I danced us around in our perfect shady spot, and we watched that parade. Sesame Street was always my favorite growing up and it holds a special place in my heart so I getting to see my little Ryan’s face light up as he watched Big Bird, Elmo and his other favs dance right by him made my everything. I couldn’t get any good pictures of him watching, but the memory of what his face looked like and how he cheered for his Elmo, will be forever ingrained in my mind and that’s just perfect for me. And Matthew’s face when he was told just this very morning that he wasn’t going to school today (sorry to his teachers 😜)because we were all going to Sesame Place for an early birthday celebration, was absolutely priceless too. The time we all spent together there, not thinking about cancer or chemo, the whole day with my boys and my husband, celebrating a lot of things today, was just what I, and probably all 4 of us needed.
Tomorrow Matthew will go to school and celebrate with his friends (yes I’m sending in acceptable birthday treats 😉)and during the day I will hopefully see my friends and hang out with Ryan. Then we will all celebrate with our, omg, 5 year old. And the rest of the week and weekend and the up and coming weeks we have lots of things planned. And I’m so happy about that.
I want to do as much as I can in these next few weeks. Because even though my chemo is over, my cancer journey is not. I have 4 weeks to live as normally as I can before the next phase. The next phase- I’m going in July 1st for my surgery. A double mastectomy. At that time they will remove everything, my tumors, sample my lymph nodes, and I will be left with what are called expanders, which will hold the space for however long it needs to be held for, until I can go back in for another procedure for reconstruction. Reconstruction cannot happen at the same time as my double mastectomy because we need to wait for pathology reports to know if I’ll need radiation. If I need radiation, we start that in August and I won’t be able to have the reconstruction procedure done until 6 months after radiation is completed because we don’t want any new reconstruction radiated. If I don’t need radiation, I go back in a few weeks later to have my reconstruction. What determines if I need radiation? My pathology reports from taking my tumors and sampling lymph nodes and anything else they might find during the mastectomy procedure. Recovery time after the mastectomy procedure? I’m not even thinking about it right now but I am bracing myself and I know from talking to others that obviously from the procedure itself and from the wonderful expanders I’ll be getting, that I’ll probably be uncomfortable for quite some time. But that’s to be thought about in a few weeks from now. Not yet.
So, like I said, I’m enjoying every single moment I can right now, and I am in somewhat of a new light. This new light is a feeling I can’t quite put into words yet, but a feeling that I think that only someone who has physically and mentally gone through what I have over the course of these past few months, can relate to.
Am I tired? Yes. Do I still have some ailments? Yes. I still have bone pain at times, I’m sore today from walking so much, and I still have tingling in my hands and fingertips at times. And my strength is nowhere like it used to be. So yes my arms hurt after holding Ryan for a bit and my back is sore after 2 hours of driving but anything I’m experiencing now, I can handle because it’s nothing, absolutely nothing compared to what I’ve just experienced. I’m not overdoing it, I’m listening to my body and I’m resting when I need to, but I won’t let anything get in my way of doing anything I want to do in these next few weeks, within reason. I still won’t go to inclosed crowded public places, I still have to be careful with germs, and I’m unfortunately not allowed to go in a public pool. So I’ll take what I can get and enjoy what I can do, while I can.
The chemo did exactly what it was intended to do and thankfully shrunk my tumors so I’m now operable, but the cancer is still inside me. I love living as normally as I can for these next few weeks but am still cognizant that, as I’ve said, that my journey is not over. But as horrible as that chemo was, I’m so forever grateful that it did its job so that I’m able to enjoy more moments with my kids, my family, and everyone else right now and when this craziness is finally able to be put behind me.
Thank you all for continuing to support me and for continuing to keep me and my family in your thoughts.
💗
Michele
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