Wednesday June 5, 2019
8:30pm

It’s a Wednesday night and I just rocked my Ryan to sleep and placed him in his crib. All on my own. Something I haven’t been able to do on a Wednesday night, let alone on most nights, since January 15th. And come this July 1st, I won’t be able to do what I did tonight again for several weeks. I’m soaking up every moment, every second that I can, with a different appreciation, a different mindset, doing things I haven’t been able to do by myself in months and won’t be able to do for awhile again, in just a few short weeks.

It’s Wednesday night, it’s now 9:30pm and I’m still awake.  I actually sat down to have dinner with my husband after the kids went to sleep. We ordered in, I had my favorite veggie sushi rolls and a glass of wine, and was able to have a normal conversation with Jason while we ate. I can think clearly and I’m not anxious about not feeling well for the rest of the week. What an amazing feeling.

I’ve been taking full advantage of being finished with my chemo treatments. I started taking full advantage right out of the gate- the moment I started feeling slightly ok on Saturday. That’s when I took my 30 min walk. Sunday was our big Stomp the Monster event. We were up and out early. We had fun with family and friends, I completed a 1 mile walk, and was able to sit outside and play with my kids in the backyard when we got home. Monday I took Ryan to the beach in the morning. The beach is my absolute favorite place and I decided on a whim that I needed to see it. I needed to smell my favorite beach air,  see the ocean and put my feet in the sand with my baby. I went to my Avon By the Sea, yes I say my because I’ve been going to this same beach since I was about 10 years old, put Ryan in the stroller and we walked. Those of you who know my, or our beach because there’s a lot of you out here that go there or meet us there too, I walked from the pavilion all the way over the bridge to Belmar by the fishing club and then turned around and walked back. Then went on the sand and played around for a bit. The best way to spend the first Monday morning of my first chemo free week. Better if Matthew and Jason were with us, but just me and Ryan worked out just fine. Tuesday I felt ok enough to drive myself all the way up to Haverstraw, NY to visit my sister and play with my niece and drive back home again later that evening. An almost 2 hour trip each way, up the parkway, to the palisades, and back. It was a beautiful day. I had my sunroof open all along the drive, I managed traffic and those crazy parkway drivers, and walked around and sat outside overlooking the Hudson for about 2 hours while my niece napped in her stroller.

Today, a Wednesday, the first Wednesday since January 16th that I’m not seeing my oncologist and the first Wednesday in 12 weeks that I’m not sitting in a chemo chair, Jason and I celebrated this wonderful occasion by taking our two beautiful boys to Sesame Place. Tomorrow, June 6th, is Matthew’s 5th birthday and for weeks, since he knows how much his little brother loves Elmo, has been talking about how fun it would be to go to Sesame Place all together so that he and Ryan could see Elmo for both of their birthdays. Ryan just had his first birthday on April 30th. So we thought this would be the perfect day to do just that. And it was. I pushed a stroller, I actually took Matthew on some rides, we took pictures with our favorite characters, and watched the street parade. Matthew went in the wading pool and of course Ryan wanted to follow after him so Jason took them both in. Matthew wasn’t interested in watching the street parade but I knew Ryan would love it so Jason stayed with Matthew while I took Ryan over. I bought my favorite Dip N Dots, for a snack for the parade which of course we shared, I held Ryan while I danced us around in our perfect shady spot, and we watched that parade. Sesame Street was always my favorite growing up and it holds a special place in my heart so I getting to see my little Ryan’s face light up as he watched Big Bird, Elmo and his other favs dance right by him made my everything. I couldn’t get any good pictures of him watching, but the memory of what his face looked like and how he cheered for his Elmo, will be forever ingrained in my mind and that’s just perfect for me. And Matthew’s face when he was told just this very morning that he wasn’t going to school today (sorry to his teachers 😜)because we were all going to Sesame Place for an early birthday celebration, was absolutely priceless too. The time we all spent together there, not thinking about cancer or chemo, the whole day with my boys and my husband, celebrating a lot of things today, was just what I, and probably all 4 of us needed.

Tomorrow Matthew will go to school and celebrate with his friends (yes I’m sending in acceptable birthday treats 😉)and during the day I will hopefully see my friends and hang out with Ryan. Then we will all celebrate with our, omg, 5 year old. And the rest of the week and weekend and the up and coming weeks we have lots of things planned. And I’m so happy about that.

I want to do as much as I can in these next few weeks. Because even though my chemo is over, my cancer journey is not. I have 4 weeks to live as normally as I can before the next phase. The next phase- I’m going in July 1st for my surgery. A double mastectomy. At that time they will remove everything, my tumors, sample my lymph nodes, and I will be left with what are called expanders, which will hold the space for however long it needs to be held for, until I can go back in for another procedure for reconstruction. Reconstruction cannot happen at the same time as my double mastectomy because we need to wait for pathology reports to know if I’ll need radiation. If I need radiation, we start that in August and I won’t be able to have the reconstruction procedure done until 6 months after radiation is completed because we don’t want any new reconstruction radiated. If I don’t need radiation, I go back in a few weeks later to have my reconstruction. What determines if I need radiation? My pathology reports from taking my tumors and sampling lymph nodes and anything else they might find during the mastectomy procedure. Recovery time after the mastectomy procedure? I’m not even thinking about it right now but I am bracing myself and I know from talking to others that obviously from the procedure itself and from the wonderful expanders I’ll be getting, that I’ll probably be uncomfortable for quite some time. But that’s to be thought about in a few weeks from now. Not yet.

So, like I said, I’m enjoying every single moment I can right now, and I am in somewhat of a new light. This new light is a feeling I can’t quite put into words yet, but a feeling that I think that only someone who has physically and mentally gone through what I have over the course of these past few months, can relate to.

Am I tired? Yes. Do I still have some ailments? Yes. I still have bone pain at times, I’m sore today from walking so much, and I still have tingling in my hands and fingertips at times. And my strength is nowhere like it used to be. So yes my arms hurt after holding Ryan for a bit and my back is sore after 2 hours of driving but anything I’m experiencing now, I can handle because it’s nothing, absolutely nothing compared to what I’ve just experienced. I’m not overdoing it, I’m listening to my body and I’m resting when I need to, but I won’t let anything get in my way of doing anything I want to do in these next few weeks, within reason. I still won’t go to inclosed crowded public places, I still have to be careful with germs, and I’m unfortunately not allowed to go in a public pool. So I’ll take what I can get and enjoy what I can do, while I can.

The chemo did exactly what it was intended to do and thankfully shrunk my tumors so I’m now operable, but the cancer is still inside me. I love living as normally as I can for these next few weeks but am still cognizant that, as I’ve said, that my journey is not over. But as horrible as that chemo was, I’m so forever grateful that it did its job so that I’m able to enjoy more moments with my kids, my family, and everyone else right now and when this craziness is finally able to be put behind me.

Thank you all for continuing to support me and for continuing to keep me and my family in your thoughts.

💗
Michele