Wednesday January 8, 2020

I feel like 2020 is the year of new beginnings.  A time of change and transitioning. It’s the turn of a new decade and within this new year and this new decade comes a new start. For me, everything feels new and changed and I’m slowly transitioning myself back into the real world. Little by little I’ve been immersing myself into what everyone else knows as every day life stuff. I’ve taken Ryan out, I’ve taken Matthew out, I’ve taken both boys out at the same time. We’ve gone places as a family, I’ve been places by myself, I’ve gone out with friends, but for all of those times that I’ve began to reacquaint myself with the outside world and learn to work with the body I’m now in, there are still many days where I don’t leave the house. Where my days are consumed by doctors appointments and follow ups.  Nights when I still can’t sleep and mornings when it’s still so hard for me to get out of bed. But I’m trying. I’m trying to learn how to manage. I’m getting better but there’s still more work to be done. I’ll do everything it takes to get myself back there and so with that being said, tomorrow starts a new challenge. A new chapter. Daycare. Ryan is going to daycare.
Part of my getting back into the swing of things means I have to face some challenges head on. Ryan starting daycare is one of them.  

My kids got me through everything. So did my husband and my parents and my sister and every single one of you that supported me and still continues to support me, but my driving force- my motivation every morning, every day, hour by hour, or minute by minute, was how I could be present for my kids. For the most part, Matthew was out of the house because he was in pre-k. But Ryan- Ryan was with me. Ryan was with me all day the day after my treatment. Every other day of the week, I fought within myself to take care of him as much as I possibly could, as often as I could. With the help of others I did. I needed to be able to take care of our little baby. The baby that took three years to get here. The baby that was colic for the first three and a half months. The baby that at only 7 months old, only just about 4 months after I was able to finally spend the time we were supposed to have had together already but couldn’t because of the colic, now had a mother diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer. This baby needed his mother. Matthew needed his mommy and his baby brother. Even though Jason and everyone else stepped in, our family wasn’t complete without mommy. My kids needed their mommy. And I needed my kids. Matthew was out of the house most of the day.  So Ryan was with me.

 Now I’m on the other end of this. The recovery end. And in order to stay on this path, of healing and recovery, the time has come for me to have to let go a little.  But even though Ryan doesn’t understand it, and thank goodness he doesn’t, he and I went through a traumatic event together. A life changing event. I know he’s going to be fine. I’m not worried about that one bit. But I know I have separation anxiety from him more than he might have from me. So I’m taking baby steps. And tomorrow another baby step begins.

Ryan has been away from me, with my husband or with his grandparents but this is his first experience away from us, away from me, with other adults and children for a majority of the day, that he doesn’t know. Ryan will only be going two days a week and I know it will take some time to get adjusted, but it’s more of me adjusting to him not being with me. I know putting him in is good for him and like I said before I know he’ll be fine. It’s me. I have to learn how to manage with him not by my side.  Thankfully I scheduled his first day when I have a day full of doctors appointments for myself to keep me busy. And now the two days that he’s not with me, I can start to do things for myself. More doctors, but maybe some more resting. I need more rest.

So here’s to overcoming another new challenge, new chapters and new beginnings. But I can’t wait until Friday afternoon already, for when he won’t have to go back to daycare until next Thursday.  💖