Thursday December 27th 2018

I’ve never been too good at waiting for things. I mean I have patience, but waiting for things that I know are supposed to happen- I just can’t. I’ve never been too much of an anxious person but with this kind of waiting I do get this anxiety that only comes when having to wait for something as described and these days it’s seeming to creep up a bit more than usual. Which is obviously to be expected. Because I’m just waiting right now for things to happen.  I’m in limbo right now. I have this yucky, diseased stuff inside of my body and I have to wait for it to come out. I have to wait to get my CAT scan, wait to see if anything has spread, wait for my genetic testing results, wait for my lymph node procedure, wait for my actual surgery to get this out of me. It’s all a bunch of waiting right now and I hate it. Those of you who know me well know that I’m a very structured person. I like knowing when things are happening and why things are happening and how they are happening. What to expect, how to plan. And when I can’t get those answers, it’s very hard. This waiting I know won’t be for long but right now it seems like an eternity. So it eats away at me but I try my best not to let it get to me. And it’s super hard.

You all are going to learn a lot about me throughout this journey. I have IBS. I’ve had it for a very long time. Since high school. Used to affect me pretty badly but I’ve had it under control for years. I used to be able to wake up and know what kind of day I would be having depending on how my stomach would feel but I haven’t had to even think about waking like that in years. But when I’m stressed it kicks up again and within the past few days, it’s definitely made a reappearance. So eating is hard. I can’t drink anything fun anymore. And my bday is Saturday.

But I push it all to the side because life still goes on. So then I think of positives. I have to to get me through. I again think about how lucky I am to have such great people in my life. How in the midst of all that I’m going through, I can take my kids to breakfast with friends this morning and be so thankful that no one looks at me any differently. And that my family and friends check in on me. And that my mom can take over with my kids at a moments notice because she knows how hard this must be. My dad who would drop everything at a moments notice if I need him. And my husband can come home from work when I need him to because he knows I need help or a breather and he works right across the street from where we live and has arranged that he can do so. And my sister can drive 2 hours home to go to appointments with me. And my friends. My friends who can take the time to talk me down when I’m having a rough time or offer to meet me somewhere if I need to get out. Those people who offer to cut their hair for me and with me when the time comes. Family and friends who offer to watch my kids, stay with my kids, take my kids for the day/night if we need it. My kids. My Matthew- the sweetest most caring loving boy and I getting to spend time with him. Taking him to the movies today for his first movie ever was exactly what I needed. And my baby. Coming home and hearing my Ryan laugh and CRAWL over to me. The best.

The waiting sure is rough but the circle I have right now is just what I need to get me by. This waiting is just another curve in this very windy road.

And with everything I’m going through I still just have to think how very lucky I am with all that I have and everything around me. 💗