Monday December 24th 2018

Today I went to see my oncologist. I knew from the very start that this dr was going to be my dr. He has unfortunately but fortunately helped other family members of mine who had and have done extremely well by this man. Now it’s my turn.

I go into the exam room and wait for him to come in. As I said in one of my previous blogs I was actually super excited to meet him because he is going to help me. It’s funny but not funny, when these drs come to you and say nice to meet you, part of me wishes I could say well it’s actually not nice to meet you. I never wanted to meet you, but here we are so it is nice to meet you now because you are going to help me. If that makes any sense.

So we chat for a bit and he explains my diagnosis again. I listen closely to make sure nothing was left out or nothing different from before was said. Nope. Still all there and still the same stuff. Surgery first, then chemo, then radiation. That’s my treatment. Blood work taken today, genetic testing was completed Friday. I need a CAT scan first before the surgery to make sure nothing has spread so that’s being scheduled soon. That’s another concern that I need need need ruled out. This oncologist and my specialist have to discuss when my surgery will be but it looks like sometime during the second week of January. January 3rd I go back to this oncologist for my exact schedule. Before I go for my surgery, and by surgery we are talking about a double mastectomy, I first have to do a quick in and out surgery where they take lymph nodes under my arm to test those. So that needs to be scheduled as well.

And sorry to the guys that are in here....but yep we are talking a double mastectomy. It’s only affecting my left but if there’s a chance that this could ever, ever happen again in my right, take them both. Even if there’s not a chance. Take them both. Take whatever is in me right now out.

So that’s where I stand with the physical department. Mentally I’m good and ready. Emotionally- it’s been a challenging afternoon. And here’s where I’m not ashamed to put my thoughts out there because this is real. Having this all sink in....Yes this is really happening. But I have a husband trying to cope with this as well and needs to learn what might make me tick these days. And I’m a mom and I have kids that are always around. And it’s almost 5pm on Christmas Eve so I can’t escape today if I wanted to because nothing is open. So I go into the bathroom to compose myself because that’s literally the only place in my house where I can be still without being called upon for longer than 5 minutes and I sit. Of course Jason is totally hands on with our kids and capable of everything and can take care of them. And is right now. But Matthew doesn’t know anything yet and I’m being careful with my demeanor and actions because he is extremely smart and will sense if something is wrong. So I sit some more in here. And I type. And I get out what I need to get out and then I put my big girl pants back on and my mom hat right in place and I go right back out there like nothing. And for anyone reading right now, yes I am ok. I just needed a breather. And I’m going to have these moments. I’ll have these moments and then I’ll suck it up for these kids and do what I have to do.

Reality check. This is my life now.

About 2 hours ago Matthew told me that HE needed a vacation. He put the bug in my ear and I’ll I could think about was how to get us to Florida for even just 3-4 days. My birthday is actually on Saturday so that would be amazing. But it’s not looking too promising and kind of unrealistic at this point.

So I come out of the bathroom and in the living room Matthew Jason and Ryan are playing together and Matthew has toy palm trees from a play set with him and a picture of him and I at Sesame Place with Bert and Ernie. He knows those are my favorite trees and one of my favorite pics. He says here mommy it’s your favorite tree! And your favorite picture! And weeee are having a dance party. Want to do it too?

My heart melts. Yes I do buddy. I would love to dance.

And on a good note- Ryan started crawling today!! He also started saying mama and more more more. And is babbling like crazy.

I have THE BEST boys ever and I’m VERY lucky mommy. And this is another reality check. I like this reality check better. 💗