Sunday December 30th

Yesterday was my 38th birthday. This year my birthday was a little bit different than most years. No one wants to be told at all, nevertheless days before a birthday, that they have stage 3 cancer. But then again I’m so lucky because I can celebrate another birthday. First birthday as a mom of 2, first birthday with cancer. Such a weird feeling.

Matthew has been winding up in our bed more than usual lately, later into the night, so of course he was right there next to me in the morning and I hear “Mommy, Mommy it’s your birthday!!” And I get to open my eyes and see his cute little face smiling at me. He was so excited that it was finally mommy’s birthday and seeing him so excited to celebrate my birthday with me, was just the best feeling. We’ve never ever had Matthew sleep in our bed as much as he has been lately, but honestly with things changing in the next few weeks and all of this unknown, I love it and will take every chance that I get to wake up and see his face in the morning. He led me out into the kitchen and there waiting for me was Jason, Ryan, and a table full of presents, cards and flowers. I had a good feeling that today would be a good day. Put everything aside and just enjoy this day.

This year I wanted to spend my birthday with my husband and my kids.  I wanted quality time with everyone and to see Matthew, and possibly Ryan, having fun. Thinking for days about what we could do, we had never been to the Crayola Factory so we decided to take a ride. Aside from the crowds and the lack of space needed to be able to maneuver with a stroller, we had a great time together. Kids napped in the car on the way home and I caught up on messages, texts, and posts, and just felt so heart-warmed by everyone who reached out to me.

We came home, relaxed and I got my presents. We did things backwards and had cake first, then dinner. And it was just the kind of day that I needed.

Today I woke up and knew that I was being taken out for my birthday again, but this was just for me and Jason. He planned the whole day but I had no idea what we were doing. Jason and I have been together for 14 years and obviously he knows me well. When things start going crazy, the ocean is where I find my way. So that’s where he took me. Lunch, massages, and dinner all overlooking the ocean. And again we had a great day together.

I used this day as my last hurrah. Not that I’ve been eating badly, because I really haven’t been, but in a few weeks my eating will definitely be changing regardless. I might have to stick to certain foods, definitely will always have to eat healthier, and once my chemo starts, who knows what I’ll even have a taste for anymore. So today, in moderation, I ate and I drank, and just enjoyed myself. And just for a bit I was able to forget about everything.  One of the most amazing massages, I have to say. If anyone is ever in need of a great massage, I’d highly recommend the spa at Ocean Place Resort in Long Branch.

But then the end of the night came. Dinner was over and it was time to head back home. Reality started to set back in and just for a little bit, my emotions got the best of me. I didn’t want to leave because leaving meant everything would be real again. Because for a few hours today it all disappeared. It wasn’t a super cold night thankfully, so we walked to the railing next to the restaurant on the boardwalk and we just stood there. We stood in silence and watched the waves crashing and the moon reflecting off the water. This is something that is extremely hard to put into words, but I’m going to try. I needed to stand here like this because in my mind at that very moment I didn’t know if I’d ever be able to look at the world or this place in the same way ever again. Peacefully. With everything I’m about to face, yes I’m staying positive but I don’t know what my outlook will be like in a year from now. I don’t know what I’ll look like, feel like, how I’ll view things. So right now I stand here like this. We stand here together and soak it all in.

Deep down inside I know I’m going to be ok. It’s just what I’m going to have to endure to actually get there. Sometimes I can’t even comprehend what will be taking place in only a matter of days from now. It doesn’t even seem like this is real because I feel fine. I don’t look sick, I don’t feel sick, but I am in fact sick and it’s hard to wrap my head around it.

I have been through a lot in my life to make me a strong, strong person. Those of you who know me well know that I’m always looking for a reason to why things happen and why things are the way they are. Although I can’t really find the reason yet for what is happening now, I sure can say that with everything I’ve been through up until now, I’ve been being made to be strong for this time. All the roads lead to this. The biggest battle there is. If I wasn’t made this strong from everything up until now,  who knows what I’d be like today. But I was made strong. Everything happens for a reason and I finally figured it all out.

So this birthday was definitely a little different this year. Thankful that I got to spend this birthday the way I did, grateful that I am able to turn 38, and hopeful for what is to come.

This birthday will definitely be one to remember.