Sunday July 7, 2019
8:30pm

A week ago at this exact time I was in my dad’s car headed for some ice cream. It was the night before my surgery and a few hours prior to this, I had gone to the beach and the pool with Jason and the kids and had the best day. We came home from our fun day sometime around 3:30/4pm and the mood changed. Due to the fact that I had to be at the hospital at 5:30am Monday morning, Matthew needed to be driven to camp, and Ryan needed to be cared for all day on Monday, best plan we could come up with was for Jason, Matthew and Ryan to stay over Jason’s parents house and for me to stay over my parents house Sunday night. Matthew was uneasy about staying over anywhere without Jason and so my in-laws didn’t have to be at our house by 4:30am, this was just the best scenario. My parents would take me to the hospital Monday morning, Jason would meet us there, and my in-laws would drive Matthew to camp and then keep Ryan for the day. So when we got home from the pool, bags needed to be packed. That’s when the moods started to change.

We had sat down with Matthew just the day before on Saturday and explained to him that mommy would be going to the hospital for a day or two.  We called a family meeting again and this time when it was my turn to talk I said so remember this boo boo that mommy has over here? Well now that the special medicine worked and made mommy’s boo boo go away, now mommy’s boo boo has to be taken out and it has to be done by doctors at the hospital. But once it’s out mommy will be better, but I’ll stay for a night or two and then I’ll come home. And I’ll need to rest for a bit but in just a few weeks I’ll be ok. He just sat and looked at me with wide eyes and a slightly tilted head. He was processing. I said so not tomorrow but on Monday, in 2 days, mommy will go to the hospital, just like when I had to go to the hospital when Ryan was born. At this point Matthew started jumping around.  Yoga, karate kicks, rolling on the floor. I was careful with what was said next. Obviously he was letting something out. I told him about our plan for Sunday night’s sleepover and he said ok mommy. That was it. He said can I go play now? And off he went. So he obviously at 5 years old had no concept of when this would actually be happening so Sunday when we got back and Jason started getting bags together, Matthew thought nothing of it.  So I figured I’d better remind him, gently.

I sat next to him on the couch and said hey buddy remember the plan we spoke about? He said yeah...  so I said well that’s happening tonight. You are going to Grammy and grandpa’s house tonight and tomorrow mommy is going to the hospital. His eyes glued to the tv but I knew he was listening as I could see his eyes getting watery. So I leaned over gave him a kiss and said but mommy will be ok. The boo boo will be out and I’ll be all better. And you can call me and FaceTime me and whatever you need. He said I want to come see you. I said at the hospital? He said yes. I said well I’m going to have wires in me like when Ryan was born and in bed and I’m not sure you would want to see that. He said I do. I really do mommy. So I told him that we would figure out a good time for him to come. And then, because I knew he needed some cheering up and because boys will be boys, the way to this boys heart these days is with, yes, potty words. And with everything this boy has been through in the past year with a new baby and then cancer with me, as long as it’s only in this house, I don’t care one bit. Anyone who knows our Matthew knows he’s the kindest, sweetest, most respectful, boy so a few potty words here or there, like I said in the house, doesn’t phase me at all. My motto these days is if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. So I leaned over and said hey Matthew I have something funny to tell you. He said what? Eyes still glued to the tv. I leaned over more and quietly said his favorite word these days.... butt. He immediately started laughing and rolled over on the couch and started joking around with me. I said you know what? I’ll even FaceTime you later and say Butt just to cheer you up. He’s hysterical at this point. He’s going to be fine. Just gotta get through these next few days.

So here we are, 8:30pm last Sunday night, about 3 hours after all 3 of my boys left, and my dad had just come to pick me up. We swung back to my parents house and my mom and my sister, who came down to be here for the surgery, both hopped in the car and we drove for some ice cream. I wasn’t really able to eat all day but ice cream I could totally do. I got some mint chocolate chip with rainbow sprinkles and it was delicious. And while I was eating my ice cream, my phone rang for FaceTime. It was my Matthew. Hi Mommy, remember what you said you’d say to me? Of course I do. So standing there in the middle of Cranbury at our favorite Gil and Bert’s I said Butts and we laughed hysterically and I didn’t care at all if anyone heard me.

We drove back to my parents house. The mood that evening was a little uneasy, although everyone was fine and supportive. I actually ended up falling asleep at some point.  I woke up at 4:40am, we were in the car by 5am and I was ready to go. Game face on, let’s do this!!

Get this cancer out of me!!!

Obviously you all know now I’m on the road to recovery, as tomorrow I’ll be a week out of surgery already but it’s taken some time to process everything. Now that I’m coming to terms with everything I’ll definitely be writing more about my experiences these past few days. So if you want to know more, stay tuned....

💗💪🏻🙏👍🏻