April 3, 2019

This is a long one so bear with me-

My kids. My kids are my world, as everyone’s kids are their world, but mine are what keeps me going.  Not the only things that keep me going, but they are high up there. As it should be.

For me, I always knew I wanted to be a mom. Earlier on, if my friends and I would get into conversations about what we wanted to when we grew up, I’d always say that I definitely knew I wanted to be a mom. That was my path, my calling. I’ve worked with children my entire life. From helping with my sister when she was little, to going to work at summer camps as a counselor, a life guard, swim instructor, division leader, a child care teacher in the 18-24 month old room, to working in every room in a child care center, to babysitting, to teaching- working with kids is all I’ve ever known. So from all my experience I can confidently say that I understand children and help them when they are sad. I know how to help make them happy and how to help them to feel proud. With my own kids I teach my babies sign language for better communication. I give opportunities for my kids to make choices, so that they are feeling some sense of control.  Disciplining when it’s necessary comes easy to me. Because I’ve done it all for someone else’s child/children for years. I spent my whole life, up until Matthew was born, only caring for other people’s children. Making them my first priority. So with that being said for me, wanting to be a mom and taking care of my own kids was just always what I knew I wanted to do. And I knew I’d be good at it.

And by no means do I consider myself a perfect mom, I don’t know everything, and I do have my off moments, but I’m completely comfortable with the choices we make and how we are raising our kids. What they are allowed to do, not allowed to do, what they are allowed to watch, not allowed to watch, and what they can eat and when they can eat it when it comes to not so healthy snack choices, or how we put our kids to sleep with the dreaded bed time controversy that will never end.

When Matthew was born, June 6, 2014, I was in absolute love with him. And I was lucky, everything came pretty naturally to me. For me, holding him and being with him and playing with him was enough. We bonded and spent the best times together. I had a csection so I needed a lot of help at the beginning. Jason took off of work for 2 weeks after Matthew was born but after that I was pretty much on my own. I had complications with the incision from my csection so I couldn’t drive for weeks. It was the summer, so during the week when I could, we got out and went for walks but sometimes it was too hot, or my incision would hurt too much and we couldn’t go outside. Eventually I was able to drive and we started going places.  But we did what we could together. The development we lived in at the time was small and I knew no one. We hadn’t lived there very long. And my mom was still working and most of my friends worked at summer camps. So for awhile it was just me and my Matthew every day. Some days were hard of course. Especially being with him all day. But I looked at the positives. I had a beautiful baby boy, a blessing in itself and even on the hard days I wouldn’t have changed anything for the world. Every stage would change, everything was temporary, and I got to spend so much time with him. Getting out of the house all in one piece became challenging, lol, but I ended up with a great system. I started taking him to the park a lot when I was cleared to drive again. Mercer County Park. I would set up a blanket by the lake, I’d bring toys, and we’d play there. Then Matthew would nap in the stroller or the car. We did everything together. He was my little sidekick.

Matthew was a snuggler. Still is to a point. So I soaked up those snuggles. I held him for naps, I squeezed him when I could, and I rocked him to sleep. I went back to work when Matthew was only 3 months old. That was hard, but we got through it. Those work days, by the time I came home, made dinner, I had an hour or 2 to spend with Matthew before it was his bedtime. So rocking him to sleep, for me, was more bonding for us. I didn’t get to see him during the day. Eventually we had to break the habit of rocking him, which was tough, but we got through it. I’m not one for sleep training, but we did a gentle version, in which one of us stayed in the room with him. And it worked. And now he’s almost 5 and one of us still lays with him to put him to sleep. And we are ok with that. Because one day he’s not going to want to lay with us. Or snuggle us. Actually some of the best conversations with him that I’ve had are when I’m putting him to sleep. He opens up to me then. It’s still our bonding time and again, I wouldn’t change a thing.

The summers home with Matthew were so fun too. He’s an early riser. Always was. My friends, you know who you are, would laugh because it would be 9am and Matthew and I were always out and about. Whether it was a park, Target, the mall, a play place, a stroll on the boardwalk, the pool club, a play date we were always out doing something and we started early. I never minded napping him in the car either. It was easy. We’d get out early, then he’d nap in the car, I’d get an iced coffee and find somewhere nice to park and with the car on and the air on, and I’d have some down time. He was always flexible and we could be on the go. It made our time together better and we didn’t have time constraints or restrictions. And we weren’t stuck in the house. Ever. It’s what worked best for us and our lifestyle. I loved being with Matthew. I still do. He’s the absolute best.

Ryan is our rainbow baby. It took us 3 years to get him here. After 2 miscarriages and I can’t even tell you how many, failed attempts, we finally April 30, 2018 had our 2nd baby in our arms. It was a miracle. We were finally a family of 4 and my heart was full. Again I was in love with our new baby. The beginning with him though was hard. I had a csection again and needed help and was lucky, my mom was now retired, Jason was able to stay home again, and my in-laws are close, so I had the help I needed. But Ryan turned out to be colic. So the first 3 months with him by myself was rough, but I spent a lot of time researching, talking to others, getting the help that I needed and we worked it out the best we could. I still bonded with Ryan and it was great, but by the time I was supposed to return to work in September, I knew I needed more time with him. The colic had just settled and we were finally getting the time together that we needed. So I extended my leave until November. Again, I held him for naps and squeezed him when I could, and played with him and we had so much fun together. And I rock him to sleep too. He’s not a good sleeper. And maybe that’s partly our fault because we don’t sleep train. But for me, when my kids cry they need something and they need us and I will go to them and comfort them as many times as I need to. And so will Jason. Because that’s what we feel is right for us. But that’s not to say anything we do is right or not right, it just is what works for us. Does Ryan sleep through the night yet? No lol. Will he eventually yes. So when he cries mama and I go in there and pick him up and I say mamas here it’s ok and he stops crying and puts his head on my shoulder and falls right back to sleep, I’m ok with that. Because one day he won’t do that anymore. I soak up my snuggles.
Especially these days.

I was supposed to go back to work in November. As that time came closer, something told me I needed more time home with Ryan. I don’t know if you believe I messages from higher powers, but I sure do. And once again something told me I needed more time. So again, I extended my leave until January 2nd. And boy I’m so glad that I did. Because the evening of December 9th came and our lives then changed forever.

Life with Ryan these days now is different than the life I had with Matthew when he was that age. With Matthew I was working. With Ryan I’m home, but I’m home for different reasons. I’m home because I’m literally fighting for my life. I have stage 3 breast cancer. I don’t get to spend time with him as much as I’d like anymore because I’m either going for a treatment, or recovering from a treatment. And he’s all over the place, either being taken from me by my mom, or my mom goes here or he’s taken from me by my in laws or sometimes they come here. His schedule is all over the place because he’s with different people everyday. And when I am home with Ryan, most times I’m just too tired to take care of him myself. My arms get tired fast, my body gets tired easily, which I was just told today will get worse as we go on, and there’s so much more going on with my with my body, which I won’t get into now. So for me, taking care of him by myself is hard, but I want to take care of him by myself. I want to spend that time with him. I spend Mondays and Tuesdays with Ryan. But sometimes I have appointments to get to, so it’s not even for the whole day. Some of you might think I’m lucky because I have help and I’m getting a break from parenting. I get to get out and someone comes to help me. But I want to spend that time with Ryan. He’s my child who I miss. And I’m not spending the time that I’m without him having any fun. I’m going to doctors, plastic surgeons,  getting chemo treatments-it’s not like I’m doing anything enjoyable. Sometimes I get a free hour or 2 to meet someone for lunch or go browse a store. But that doesn’t happen often. So I’m so grateful for the help that do I have and I know if I were working it would be the same thing, I wouldn’t see Ryan all day anyways, but to me it’s just different and when Ryan leaves me for the day it’s still very hard for me. Wednesday’s I’m too tired when he comes home, Thursday’s I actually do feel ok so mostly I spend with him, Fridays and Saturdays I hardly see him. Sundays maybe by the afternoon. And even though I’m home with him, I still can’t always take care of him myself.

It’s hard. I know I’m doing the best I can, and Ryan is fine with whom ever he is with. But handing him off for the day or leaving him for an afternoon is still hard for me. It’s hard when Matthew is home too because he asks me where I’m going and I have to be careful to explain things in words that he can understand and tell him only minimal information. But Matthew is in school all day so it’s different with him. I spend time with him when he comes home doing the things he likes to do when I can. But it’s still hard because I need breaks. He comes home at the end of the day when I’m even more tired.

Parenting is not easy at times for anyone. Different stages are hard, figuring out what works best for your child is hard, and not being able to go out when you are home with them all day is hard. Its a long day and it’s all just hard. But I do know that I’m not the kind of mom who needs breaks from my kids so often. I never was. I love being with my kids and I’m so glad I’m with my kids so much. When I’m not with them, I miss them. They brighten my day and being a mom was something I was always meant to do.

I can’t wait until I’m better and we can take our next family vacation together. Seeing something through the eyes of your child, especially for the first time, and being together as a family somewhere is enough for me.

For a struggling mom out there, things get better. Things get easier and everything is always temporary because these little ones are always changing. Hug those babies. Play with those babies. Enjoy spending time with your babies. In one single moment your whole life can change. My cancer diagnosis has taught me a lot so far. To re-evaluate things and look at things with entirely new perspective. So I’m continuing to hold my baby, continuing to rock him to sleep and continuing to lay down with Matthew for as long as I can. You do what’s best for you and your family. I go through hell every week but this all could’ve been so much worse for me and for my family. So I soak up every moment I can with my family, my kids, and with Jason.  Life changes in an instant and these are times that I’ll never get back.

Thanks for reading! 💗💪🏻🙏