Sunday April 14, 2019

It’s Sunday late afternoon- almost 4pm. I haven’t written in a few weeks but I’m by myself sitting in my backyard. It’s so quiet and peaceful and I started thinking, so I decided to write.

I don’t write for attention, I don’t write to make anyone feel sad, or for sympathy. I write because it’s my outlet and sometimes I choose to share with you all because I don’t mind letting others in. Sometimes it’s my only way to really communicate with the world that’s outside of this little bubble I’m in. If you want to know what I go through sometimes, then by all means read away. And if you don’t want to know, that’s ok too. I also have new perspectives on things and maybe I can help someone else in the process of my sharing.

For one thing, I can’t believe it’s April already. Between all of the appointments I go to each week, chemo treatments and recovery, days just seem to blend together. Which is good I guess because time is going by pretty fast. Before I know it my chemo day comes and goes. It’s even harder to believe my biopsy was exactly 4 months ago today, December 14th. I’ve been plugging away at all of this for 4 months already. And this Wednesday’s treatment marks my half way point with my chemo treatment. Week #6 out of 12.

Living with cancer is definitely different. I’m doing ok. I’m hanging in there, fighting and staying strong and positive in the best way I know how, but these days things are getting really hard. I’m right in the middle of this all and everything I’m feeling, physically, is only going to get worse. My chemo is dose dense. To be honest, my anxiety is at an all time high, my emotions get the best of me on a daily basis, sometimes for reasons I don’t even know why, my body is all out of sorts, and I could go on and on. But I won’t and I never complain. Thank goodness for my team of doctors and the medications that help. With all that said, each day I get up. I’m up every single morning at 7am, sometimes with sleeping from maybe 11pm on and sometimes sleeping for a just short while, all with the help of sleeping meds, but I get up every morning at 7am and I get myself ready and dressed for the day. And then I help get my kids ready for the day. No matter how I’m feeling or what I’m dealing with, I get up every morning with them and see Matthew and Jason, and sometimes Ryan off every single day. Or I then spend the rest of the morning or day, depending on the day of the week, with Ryan. Or I go to a doctor appointment. Or on the weekends now Matthew has tball or karate.  And even though I can barely function Saturday mornings, I still get up and I do the most and the best that I can.

Life with cancer is a challenge for sure. I’ve lost weight. 12 pounds to be exact. As that is a very good thing, it’s because most days I just don’t have an appetite. My oncologist is ok with my eating sparingly. Most important thing right now is to stay hydrated. And with 6 weeks more to go like this, and then surgery, I’m sure I’ll lose more. Which is good, but not good like this. Once I’m done with chemo we will fix the eating part. I got rid of sugar too. Cancer loves sugar, and not that I ate sweets all the time, but that was the one thing that definitely had to go. By all means, on occasion I’ll treat myself to a piece of cake or cookie if it’s part of a celebration, or if someone sends me something yummy 😋, but it’s funny my body can’t even tolerate it much anymore. A few bites in and I can’t even eat it. My body just doesn’t feel like my body anymore. Aside with a ton of other ailments that come along with chemo and all of the meds that I’m on, the fatigue is like no other. Some of you asked me what it feels like. Here’s the best way to describe it. You all know that I have 2 kids- one of those kids just turning 1 in only 2 weeks. Most of you out there reading my blogs have kids, young or grown, and know what tired is like from kids and sleepless nights and working after those sleepless nights or caring for those kids after sleepless nights or tiresome stay at home days. I’ve been there. This tired is not like that. It’s total body exhaustion. Like after the gym, for those that work out or have worked out and your muscles are aching and shaking but you want that one more rep. Or the flu hits and you Can. Not. Move. That’s my entire body almost daily. Almost every single muscle. It’s how much can I do with my arms, my legs, my back, before everything starts to give out. Mondays and Tuesdays I’m usually ok until the evenings, but I usually have Ryan with me those days or I’m running to appointments, so by the evenings I’m absolutely done. The sleepy, tired exhaustion happens Fridays and Saturdays. Sunday mornings sometimes, but usually if I get outside I can snap out of it. I get winded pretty easily now too, if I over exert myself. It’s all mentally, emotionally, and physically draining. This is all part of the fight. I’m doing it and I know I’ll be fine in the end, but every day is a struggle with something. And I look to that end in sight, but right now I have to take things day by day. What can I do today to just get through this day. Or these few hours. That’s what I say to myself, every morning.

My normalcy now is different. I don’t go to work. I don’t get out of my house much to socialize or do anything really for myself. When I do get out, I go to doctors. Weekly. And each week it seems like I’m adding a new doctor to my plate. Now it’s an eye doctor because some of the meds that I’m on are having an effect on my vision. All will go back to normal once I’m done with these meds, but for now it is what it is.  Plastic surgeons, oncologist, dermatologist, eye doctors, acupuncture, support groups, just to name a few. I’m always running somewhere, but it’s for my cancer, or has to do with my cancer. I’m also starting to get neuropathy in my fingers. So my fingertips tingle a lot, especially after holding onto something for awhile. And with all the appointments I have to go to, or recovering from chemo comes juggling care for my kids. Who’s able to take Ryan today? Who’s getting Matthew? It’s a lot. I’ve never asked for much my entire life. And now, for these next few months I have to rely on help from others. My life is at the hands of doctors and caregivers.  But somehow through all of this I’m able to look at the positives and see things differently. I have to. I have to love breathing in fresh air, seeing birds fly, appreciate the calmness of cloudy days, as I did today, see the good in whatever is around me. I sit back and watch my kids play and love the beauty of their bond, even more now if that’s possible, that’s been since Ryan was born. I cherish things now that once didn’t really matter as much to me. And some things that once mattered so much, don’t really seem like much anymore. Everything is different now.

So I take fun pictures, and I take myself to Target sometimes and I love, even if it’s for an hour or two, when I get to go out on occasion with Jason, even if it’s just to dinner. And I smile when I get to go to the park with my kids, or on a walk, or when I’m with my other family members. Or sometimes I have a beer and enjoy it, or meet a friend for lunch or a walk. Because for those few hours, or however long I’m doing whatever I’m doing, I’m normal for a bit and enjoying the pleasures of life. I’m just like everyone else. I’m not sitting in an doctors office, or in a chemo chair. I’m not lying in my bed or thinking about my awful headaches or muscle aches. I’m just like all of you again for a bit. But seeing real normalcy and experiencing normalcy can get emotional for me, because I’ve forgotten what it feels like to do those things and honestly when I do get to do something that feels normal I get so overjoyed. I now know and can appreciate more than I ever did before, how freeing driving by yourself is on a sunny day with windows open, or even on a cloudy day with my sunroof open, in absolute silence. Just with the noise of the breeze. There are times, to be honest, when I can get sad because either seeing someone doing something I used to be able to do normally gets to me or because I know the fun normalcy that I’m experiencing for that little bit will soon come to an end and I have to go back to my reality. But I’m dealing with it the best way I can. So if I’m with you and I need a breather, just know it’s me and I’ll be ok. Sometimes I just need a few minutes I’ll be ok. My anxiety meds help tremendously too.

And please do not get offended if I decline to hug or kiss you hello or goodbye. Even if you are healthy, I do have to be super careful. If I get sick, it may affect my treatment and my health. Just another FYI.

If you are reading this and you want to do something, do me a favor, do yourself a favor and take pleasures in the simple things in life. Look for the positives, instead of the negatives. Be grateful and appreciate what you do have instead of what you don’t have. Be kind and understanding to others and be accepting. And remember not everyone will always see things the same way as you, and that’s ok. Play with your kids and take them places. Have fun with them and love them up. If they are still small, snuggle them as much as they need it. Don’t take anything for granted. Life can change at any moment. I’m living proof. December 8, 2018 I was fine. December 9, 2018 our lives changed. My life changed forever. And I’m lucky. I caught it myself, early enough before anything else progressed, even though I’m already at stage 3. There’s not one day that goes by that I don’t thank whatever higher power there is out there that made me feel what I felt that night. My goodness, things happen- you just never know.

Just know I’m working hard over here, every day. 6 more weeks of chemo, but my journey doesn’t end there. I still have surgery, maybe surgeries, and possibly radiation headed my way. It’s been a long road, and I still have a ways to go. Sometimes it’s still a very surreal experience.

Again, I appreciate all of the kind words, messages, emails, texts, etc. It really helps. Definitely reach out if you’d like. I’d love to hear from anyone.  Sitting here day after day in this Groundhog Day experience gets real old sometimes.  If I’m sleeping, my phone is on do not disturb so I won’t hear it anyways.

If you’re someone who has joined in on the meal train, sent a gift card, or helped out in anyway with food, thank you, thank you, thank you a million times over. If you are someone interested in helping out, there are still some dates left and some more dates might be added on, as the plans for my surgery and there after unfolds. I can’t stand on my feet to cook and Jason has pretty much taken over attending to the kids at night, so the meals sent and help with meals is just so beyond amazing and more appreciated than you’ll ever know.

Thank you to those of you who keep me and my family in your thoughts and please keep those good thoughts and prayers for us coming!!

💗💪🏻🙏
#teammichele