Today is going to be a low key day. It’s the day after my monthly oncologist follow up appointment and all is good, but I get an injection each time I go, and I always know the day after I need to take it easy. The side effects from the injection are nothing like what chemo side effects were like, but the injection still brings a whole host of their own. Headaches, fatigue, muscle cramping, bone pain, stomach uneasiness, extreme hot flashes, just to name a few. So today I rest.
But it’s ok because I think it’s also a sign that although I’ve come so far throughout the past few weeks, maybe I’m not ready to push myself as hard. I need to slow down. Which can be a hard pill to swallow because I’m doing so well. I’ve lost weight, I can run again... but in the middle of the day I burn out. I crash and hit a wall and that can’t be good for me either. I have to find a balance.
July 1, 2020 was my goal. Get to this date, one year after my bilateral mastectomy, and let’s start getting my body back. I had good intentions, and although I’ve lost weight and inches and I’m super proud of myself, I started out to hard. Now I have to dial back, which is ok, but it’s all a mind game because I WANT to be able to exercise the way I want and I want to be able to move the way I want and use my body the way I want. But I still can’t. I’m not even 40 yet and I’m going through a medically induced menopause and due to that I have all the side effects that come with that as well. To all the men out there, I’m sorry that I can’t express how awful these side effects can be sometimes, but to all the women out there who know..... it’s rough, right?? And couple that with all the treatments and surgeries I’ve had, not to mention the extreme up and down with hormones, from not being pregnant to pregnant and then to Ryan being born and then breast cancer to now my hormones completely shut off..my body has been through hell and still is!! And then my mind goes back to this isn’t supposed to be happening to me. But then again none of this was supposed to be happening to me. There’s nothing that’s supposed to be happening to anyone. I was just dealt an, excuse my language, a pretty shitty hand of cards. But I just have to keep reminding myself of where I was a year ago and how far I’ve come. Sometimes it’s not easy to realize that.
So I’ll use today to just rest and be and I’ll take the time I need to be ok physically and mentally, but I’ll be honest with all of you out there.... some days, actually most days, are still a struggle for me.. mentally, emotionally and physically. One day when I feel up to it I’ll write about all of the PTSD and trauma effects I now have and how my medical team has been working with me, but I’m not ready yet.
Sometimes I write and blog now and I don’t really know what my point it lol. I guess I just felt like getting it all out there. And just to share more about this because my journey isn’t over. So I guess what want I want to say now is that I’m still working really hard over here and your support and encouragement really still means the world. I know I’m getting better but I have to remember to listen to my body and that I’m still a work in progress, but I’ve come so far and next year at this time when I look back I can remember how far I’ve come. This is still going to take more time for me. And I have to learn to be ok with that. đź’–
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