August 3, 2020
So much to say... where to begin?
I’m just going to start writing and see where this goes... that’s actually how I do my best writing. No thinking... it just flows.... 😊
By now most of you hopefully have seen (and checked out) that I not only have this blog, but I’ve started up a new one! I always have so many ideas floating around in this head of mine and over the years I’ve come to realize that one of the better ways for me to put everything together, one of the most effective ways for me to process anything, is to write. And sometimes I share. I don’t always share, but most of the time I like to. I feel proud of what I write and what I’ve been able accomplish....I beat stage 3 breast cancer.
I don’t write for pity or to brag or to call attention to myself or what I’ve been through or for praise. I write because I know that there are others out there who have been in my shoes. Or might one day be in shoes like mine. Not only with in regards to cancer or breast cancer, but with any challenging life or death, fight or flight situations that I’ve come to know so well. Hard times, like even these times we are facing right now.
I know what it’s like to feel like I can’t connect with others on a level that I need. I know what it’s like to have to look fear in the face and say nope, not me. Not ever me - and fight with everything I’ve got in me, while my body falls apart at the same time. I know what it’s like to go through something like this with 2 young children - one a baby non the less, being in my 30’s, only married for close to 10 years, having to make choices - for myself, for my kids, for my family - choices you never ever thought you’d ever have to make, let alone at an age that I, that we had to. I know what it’s like to see people my age - running around with their kids, raising babies and young children, working, exercising, going on vacations, talking about things they’ve been able to do, places they could visit, seeing friends, doing everything that I should’ve been doing - while my life was focused on one thing, and one thing alone.... not dying. And my kids of course, but not dying was it. Focused on this not only for just for a few days, not for a few weeks or even a few months... we are going on over a year and a half now. I know what it’s like to be on preventative medication after active treatment is over. And I know what it’s like to live in fear of all of this happening again.
I know what it’s like to have to sit alone or be alone while the rest of the world keeps going. I know what it’s like to randomly find something beneath your skin and immediately start to panic. I know what it’s like to be 30 something years old and have to see your parents faces when you tell them you might have cancer and their faces again when they hear it for themselves with the countless doctors visits we had. I know what it’s like to have to all of a sudden take 10+ pills a day. I know what it’s like to not be able to leave your bed or your house for days at a time. Every week. I know what it’s like to look at a significant other and know that everything that we are supposed to be sharing in together, is going to fall on his shoulders because I won’t be able to do my part for awhile. And that’s ok because that’s what a marriage is supposed to be like.. you pick up for what the other person can’t do.. but we know what it’s like to do this at a young age with two young kids at home, a 7 month old baby and a 4 year old, with me - their mom that once was active and busy and could do anything with them, now suddenly can’t do a thing. Is losing her hair. Is losing her strength. Is in bed a lot or in pain. And I know what it’s like to have to tell your 4 year old that his mommy has a boo boo and has to take special medicine and her hair is going to fall out, and although he doesn’t really understand the magnitude of what is really about to happen (thank g-d), his world is really about to change and at the same time we have to try to keep his life from missing a beat. And hoping with everything we have in us, that his life doesn’t have to change for the worse. I know what it’s like to have to hide in a bathroom to collect myself so my children don’t have to see me suffering. And that while I just spoke about, we don’t know how long that while will actually be. I know what it’s like to sit in an infusion chair and receive chemotherapy- one of which is called the red devil. My cancer friends all know what that is. My cancer friends. I know what’s like to have a community of friends who have or have had cancer. I know what it’s like to talk about cancer related topics. I’m so grateful for this new community of friends that I have to talk to. I know what it’s like to have your friends and family and friends of family rally around you and help. I know what it’s like to make surgical choices and research medical terminology to understand and be knowledgeable enough to be able to make informed decisions. I know what it’s like to be so confused and not know how to make a decision. A decision that could be life or death. I know what it’s like to have PTSD and trauma therapy because of something that tried to kill me. I know what it’s like to have every single part of your body ache at the same time for days. I know what it’s like to not be able to see straight. I know what it’s like to have to remain positive and be strong, but all the while want to crawl up and just be. I know what it’s like to be tattooed for radiation. I know what it’s like to be stared at, poked, and prodded by doctors and nurses. I know what it’s like to lay under a radiation machine. I also know what it’s like to have to remove 2 body parts. And I know what it’s like to have to recover. I also know what it’s like to be in recovery and to still have lingering side effects that we aren’t sure will ever really subside.
I know what it’s like to have to recover not only physically, but mentally and emotionally and not know how. I know how to reach out for help. And I now know myself from the inside more than I ever thought I did before. I now know what all of this is like.
I know what all of this, and even more that I haven’t mentioned, is like and because of that, I write. And I share. Not because I need attention, not because I need everyone to know about my journey or because I need pity. None of that. I write and I share because I know what all of this is like and I want to be able to help someone else. Navigating tough times is hard. We all know that right now. I never want anyone to have to go through what I went through, but if they do, I want to be someone that that person can come to... not because I know everything because I absolutely don’t, but because I’ve been there. I know what it’s like and I can help.
I know this quarantine time is hard.... so many choices that could be life or death. Do I see people, or do I not? Do I send my kids to school, or do I not? Do I go out to eat or do I not? Do I have people over my house or do I not? For me, these decisions haven’t been so tough. Since this whole pandemic started I’ve, or we’ve (as in my husband and I) have chosen the not in just about every situation. It’s not hard for me to stay home or stay in just my backyard or to not see people or do whatever it is or to not do whatever it is. And when people ask my how or why, my answer is easy. Because I’ve done this already. I couldn’t see people because of germs. I couldn’t go into populated places or be with anyone who had a little cold. If my kids were sick with a cold or a fever or whatever they had, I had to quarantine myself. I couldn’t go near them for days because my immune system was already compromised. So living like this now, this is easy because this time - I’m not cooped up in my bed. I can play with my kids. I can sit outside in my yard and I can think and see straight. I can enjoy life just sitting here, in my house, with my kids. And for me that’s enough. And the great thing - since my parents and my in-laws are abiding by the same precautions as we are, we’ve been able to “merge our bubbles” and see each other and I’m so thankful for that because not only can I still see my parents and my husband can still see his parents, but our kids can continue to see their grandparents. And if g-d forbid if anyone of us is in a situation where we need help, we all know that we have been safe and can help each other out without a worry.
I’ve kind of strayed from the beginning of this post, but it’s all relative. If we all want to live and we want to be able to see our families, we have to do everything that we can to ensure that we are safe. Yes everyone has to do “what’s best for their families”, but right now I just don’t understand why “what’s best for their families” isn’t still staying home or at least following the social distancing regulations.
I get it. You’re tired of it all, right? Well remember all I spoke about above? I was tired of it all too when I had to do it to fight for my life. But I did it because I didn’t want to die. And now we do what we are supposed to do because we don’t want anyone close to us to get sick and possibly die. The more people you let into your bubble, your chances of getting this goes up - especially if you aren’t safe about it. I know everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but why risk anyone’s health?
I don’t want to see more people sick and dying. I already fought for my life and am still fighting every day. I’m not ready to have to do it again so soon. Are you ready to fight for yours or see someone you love fight for theirs?
And yes, I know kids need socialization- but if you can’t do it safely, is it worth it? To me and my husband it’s not, but again that’s just us. We’d love to have fun. We’d love to see our friends and have play dates for our kids... but right now, being able to keep healthy and seeing our family that have been safe too, to us is most important. Everything else can wait.
That’s all for now. Be safe everyone.
And as always, feel free to reach out with thoughts or comments. 💗
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