Thoughts For The Day

August 3, 2020

So much to say... where to begin? 

I’m just going to start writing and see where this goes... that’s actually how I do my best writing. No thinking... it just flows.... 😊

By now most of you hopefully have seen (and checked out) that I not only have this blog, but I’ve started up a new one! I always have so many ideas floating around in this head of mine and over the years I’ve come to realize that one of the better ways for me to put everything together, one of the most effective ways for me to process anything, is to write. And sometimes I share. I don’t always share, but most of the time I like to. I feel proud of what I write and what I’ve been able accomplish....I beat stage 3 breast cancer.  

I don’t write for pity or to brag or to call attention to myself or what I’ve been through or for praise. I write because I know that there are others out there who have been in my shoes. Or might one day be in shoes like mine. Not only with in regards to cancer or breast cancer, but with any challenging life or death, fight or flight situations that I’ve come to know so well. Hard times, like even these times we are facing right now. 

I know what it’s like to feel like I can’t connect with others on a level that I need. I know what it’s like to have to look fear in the face and say nope, not me. Not ever me - and fight with everything I’ve got in me, while my body falls apart at the same time. I know what it’s like to go through something like this with 2 young children - one a baby non the less, being in my 30’s, only married for close to 10 years, having to make choices - for myself, for my kids, for my family - choices you never ever thought you’d ever have to make, let alone at an age that I, that we had to. I know what it’s like to see people my age - running around with their kids, raising babies and young children, working, exercising, going on vacations, talking about things they’ve been able to do, places they could visit, seeing friends, doing everything that I should’ve been doing - while my life was focused on one thing, and one thing alone.... not dying. And my kids of course, but not dying was it. Focused on this not only for just for a few days, not for a few weeks or even a few months... we are going on over a year and a half now. I know what it’s like to be on preventative medication after active treatment is over. And I know what it’s like to live in fear of all of this happening again. 

I know what it’s like to have to sit alone or be alone while the rest of the world keeps going.  I know what it’s like to randomly find something beneath your skin and immediately start to panic. I know what it’s like to be 30 something years old and have to see your parents faces when you tell them you might have cancer and their faces again when they hear it for themselves with the countless doctors visits we had. I know what it’s like to have to all of a sudden take 10+ pills a day. I know what it’s like to not be able to leave your bed or your house for days at a time. Every week. I know what it’s like to look at a significant other and know that everything that we are supposed to be sharing in together, is going to fall on his shoulders because I won’t be able to do my part for awhile. And that’s ok because that’s what a marriage is supposed to be like.. you pick up for what the other person can’t do.. but we know what it’s like to do this at a young age with two young kids at home, a 7 month old baby and a 4 year old, with me - their mom that once was active and busy and could do anything with them, now suddenly can’t do a thing. Is losing her hair. Is losing her strength. Is in bed a lot or in pain. And I know what it’s like to have to tell your 4 year old that his mommy has a boo boo and has to take special medicine and her hair is going to fall out, and although he doesn’t really understand the magnitude of what is really about to happen (thank g-d), his world is really about to change and at the same time we have to try to keep his life from missing a beat. And hoping with everything we have in us, that his life doesn’t have to change for the worse. I know what it’s like to have to hide in a bathroom to collect myself so my children don’t have to see me suffering. And that while I just spoke about, we don’t know how long that while will actually be.  I know what it’s like to sit in an infusion chair and receive chemotherapy- one of which is called the red devil. My cancer friends all know what that is. My cancer friends. I know what’s like to have a community of friends who have or have had cancer. I know what it’s like to talk about cancer related topics. I’m so grateful for this new community of friends that I have to talk to. I know what it’s like to have your friends and family and friends of family rally around you and help. I know what it’s like to make surgical choices and research medical terminology to understand and be knowledgeable enough to be able to make informed decisions. I know what it’s like to be so confused and not know how to make a decision. A decision that could be life or death. I know what it’s like to have PTSD and trauma therapy because of something that tried to kill me. I know what it’s like to have every single part of your body ache at the same time for days. I know what it’s like to not be able to see straight. I know what it’s like to have to remain positive and be strong, but all the while want to crawl up and just be. I know what it’s like to be tattooed for radiation. I know what it’s like to be stared at, poked, and prodded by doctors and nurses. I know what it’s like to lay under a radiation machine. I also know what it’s like to have to remove 2 body parts. And I know what it’s like to have to recover. I also know what it’s like to be in recovery and to still have lingering side effects that we aren’t sure will ever really subside. 

I know what it’s like to have to recover not only physically, but mentally and emotionally and not know how. I know how to reach out for help. And I now know myself from the inside more than I ever thought I did before. I now know what all of this is like. 

I know what all of this, and even more that I haven’t mentioned, is like and because of that, I write. And I share. Not because I need attention, not because I need everyone to know about my journey or because I need pity. None of that. I write and I share because I know what all of this is like and I want to be able to help someone else. Navigating tough times is hard. We all know that right now. I never want anyone to have to go through what I went through, but if they do, I want to be someone that that person can come to... not because I know everything because I absolutely don’t, but because I’ve been there. I know what it’s like and I can help. 

I know this quarantine time is hard.... so many choices that could be life or death. Do I see people, or do I not? Do I send my kids to school, or do I not? Do I go out to eat or do I not? Do I have people over my house or do I not? For me, these decisions haven’t been so tough. Since this whole pandemic started I’ve, or we’ve (as in my husband and I) have chosen the not in just about every situation. It’s not hard for me to stay home or stay in just my backyard or to not see people or do whatever it is or to not do whatever it is. And when people ask my how or why, my answer is easy. Because I’ve done this already. I couldn’t see people because of germs. I couldn’t go into populated places or be with anyone who had a little cold. If my kids were sick with a cold or a fever or whatever they had, I had to quarantine myself. I couldn’t go near them for days because my immune system was already compromised. So living like this now, this is easy because this time - I’m not cooped up in my bed. I can play with my kids. I can sit outside in my yard and I can think and see straight. I can enjoy life just sitting here, in my house, with my kids. And for me that’s enough. And the great thing - since my parents and my in-laws are abiding by the same precautions as we are, we’ve been able to “merge our bubbles” and see each other and I’m so thankful for that because not only can I still see my parents and my husband can still see his parents, but our kids can continue to see their grandparents. And if g-d forbid if anyone of us is in a situation where we need help, we all know that we have been safe and can help each other out without a worry. 

I’ve kind of strayed from the beginning of this post, but it’s all relative. If we all want to live and we want to be able to see our families, we have to do everything that we can to ensure that we are safe. Yes everyone has to do “what’s best for their families”, but right now I just don’t understand why “what’s best for their families” isn’t still staying home or at least following the social distancing regulations. 

I get it. You’re tired of it all, right? Well remember all I spoke about above?  I was tired of it all too when I had to do it to fight for my life. But I did it because I didn’t want to die. And now we do what we are supposed to do because we don’t want anyone close to us to get sick and possibly die. The more people you let into your bubble, your chances of getting this goes up - especially if you aren’t safe about it.  I know everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but why risk anyone’s health? 

I don’t want to see more people sick and dying. I already fought for my life and am still fighting every day. I’m not ready to have to do it again so soon. Are you ready to fight for yours or see someone you love fight for theirs? 

And yes, I know kids need socialization- but if you can’t do it safely, is it worth it? To me and my husband it’s not, but again that’s just us. We’d love to have fun. We’d love to see our friends and have play dates for our kids... but right now, being able to keep healthy and seeing our family that have been safe too, to us is most important. Everything else can wait. 

That’s all for now. Be safe everyone. 

And as always, feel free to reach out with thoughts or comments. 💗

July 24, 2020

Today is going to be a low key day. It’s the day after my monthly oncologist follow up appointment and all is good, but I get an injection each time I go, and I always know the day after I need to take it easy.  The side effects from the injection are nothing like what chemo side effects were like, but the injection still brings a whole host of their own. Headaches, fatigue, muscle cramping, bone pain, stomach uneasiness, extreme hot flashes, just to name a few. So today I rest.

But it’s ok because I think it’s also a sign that although I’ve come so far throughout the past few weeks, maybe I’m not ready to push myself as hard. I need to slow down.  Which can be a hard pill to swallow because I’m doing so well. I’ve lost weight, I can run again... but in the middle of the day I burn out. I crash and hit a wall and that can’t be good for me either.  I have to find a balance.

July 1, 2020 was my goal. Get to this date, one year after my bilateral mastectomy, and let’s start getting my body back. I had good intentions, and although I’ve lost weight and inches and I’m super proud of myself, I started out to hard. Now I have to dial back, which is ok, but it’s all  a mind game because I WANT to be able to exercise the way I want and I want to be able to move the way I want and use my body the way I want. But I still can’t. I’m not even 40 yet and I’m going through a medically induced menopause and due to that I have all the side effects that come with that as well. To all the men out there, I’m sorry that I can’t express how awful these side effects can be sometimes, but to all the women out there who know.....  it’s rough, right??  And couple that with all the treatments and surgeries I’ve had, not to mention the extreme up and down with hormones, from not being pregnant to pregnant and then to Ryan being born and then breast cancer to now my hormones completely shut off..my body has been through hell and still is!! And then my mind goes back to this isn’t supposed to be happening to me. But then again none of this was supposed to be happening to me. There’s nothing that’s supposed to be happening to anyone. I was just dealt an, excuse my language, a pretty shitty hand of cards. But I just have to keep reminding myself of where I was a year ago and how far I’ve come. Sometimes it’s not easy to realize that.

So I’ll use today to just rest and be and I’ll take the time I need to be ok physically and mentally, but I’ll be honest with all of you out there.... some days, actually most days, are still a struggle for me.. mentally, emotionally and physically. One day when I feel up to it I’ll write about all of the PTSD and trauma effects I now have and how my medical team has been working with me, but I’m not ready yet.

Sometimes I write and blog now and I don’t really know what my point it lol. I guess I just felt like getting it all out there. And just to share more about this because my journey isn’t over. So I guess what want I want to say now is that I’m still working really hard over here and your support and encouragement really still means the world.  I know I’m getting better but I have to remember to listen to my body and that I’m still a work in progress, but I’ve come so far and next year at this time when I look back I can remember how far I’ve come. This is still going to take more time for me. And I have to learn to be ok with that. 💖

Cancer.

A word that most people don’t like to talk about. Because behind the word, comes a whole host of scariness. It’s a word that brings  fear, darkness, and sometimes death. And to some, it’s a word that also brings hope, determination, and strength.  Cancer. It’s like a storm. A tornado that comes to wreck everything in its path. You seek shelter to try to escape it, you do everything possible to try to survive it, but ultimately its own force decides what it will do. This storm takes everything from those it seeks to destroy. And the ones who are lucky enough to survive it, are left battered and broken, and in the end have to rise up to be able to fight and find their way back. That’s cancer. And when those people who’s lives have been shattered from this tornado are able to start picking up the pieces, they know they will have a long way to go until they can rebuild. Their inner strength and the will to live and come back stronger and not let this tornado, that they were so lucky enough to survive, ruin their lives anymore are their driving force. Their spouses, their children, their parents, their siblings and friends and everyone within their circle come together to help rebuild. But the rebuilding doesn’t happen over night. It might not happen over a few months.  It might even take a few years, depending on how much this storm took from you. During the rebuilding process, there are other things to be taken into consideration as well. Not only the physical strain that this storm put on you, but the mental and emotional toll it takes as well. And once you rebuild and are standing once again, the physical ailments, the mental and emotional part, really never ever leaves you. You went through a tragedy. A trauma. Something that is so very hard to come back from. Because even though you might be ok now, those memories always remain. The triggers, the flashbacks, the brain memory, muscle memory, the emotional impact this storm had on you and everyone around you. You are now on the other side of this storm, but there’s still a lot to deal with inside you. Overtime, maybe they start to fade and the memories and triggers will happen less often, but the fear you now live with of it happening again, is something that you struggle to overcome. Picking up these pieces, that I was lucky enough to be able to pick up, took everything I had in me. And if I had to do it again, I’d do it all the same way to ensure that I survived this. But sometimes surviving the storm is by chance. And I’m not ready to do it again and I’m not prepared for the alternative. No one ever is, but how many can say they saw the face of evil first hand and know what it looks like and know that it is something that can happen again? The thing that differs between a tornado and cancer? Well, maybe that depending on where you live, if you live in an area that is prone to these storms maybe you can relocate.  Find a safer place to live. Maybe you can find better material to rebuild your house with if you can’t relocate. Cancer - you cant move out of its path. Cancer isn’t something we can run, hide, or seek shelter from. It’s something that can happen again no matter how hard we try to keep it away. It’s something we have to learn to live with - the mental, emotional and physical toll it takes on our entire being and the fear that it can come back at anytime. The everyday pain we live with from our treatments and surgeries are always constant reminders of the battle we once fought within our own bodies. Our own bodies tried to kill us.

I’m lucky enough to have been able to survive the storm and I’m so grateful to be almost on the other side of it now. But everyday I’m still continuing to pick up the pieces. I think I will be for a long time to come. And I just have to keep my head up and pray every day that another one doesn’t come. 💗

Tuesday June 22, 2020

Our eyes. Our eyes are pretty remarkable. They allow us to use this amazing sense some of us are lucky to have, to take in everything around us by sight. But not only are our eyes amazing for sight, they can be so much more. Have you ever looked a person in the eyes and knew what they were thinking at that exact moment? Like their eyes become a window into their minds? It’s just amazing these days with everyone’s faces covered up by masks, we are seeing everyone’s eyes so much more.  Not that we weren’t seeing their eyes before, but that’s all we have on someone’s face to see.  Sure, we look our loved ones in the eyes or friends when we talk, but how often have you been in a store or met someone new and paid attention to what their eyes are saying? I’m not sure I ever really have. And I know you can sense someone smiling, or maybe fuming, behind the mask they have on but if you pay attention to a person’s eyes, that’s where it’s at. Something amazing happened today. I saw someone’s emotions, a total stranger’s emotions through their eyes. And it was about me and my cancer journey and this person’s eyes just said a million words.

This afternoon I’m sitting in an exam room at my plastic surgeon’s office just waiting for a follow up exam and the nurse comes in and we started chatting. Before the doctor comes in, this nurse informs me that there is a new intern that just started in their practice, she’s 19 years old, interested in cancer care, and asks me if it would be ok if this intern were to come in with my doctor. She was following all Covid-19 protocols and wearing a mask as well so I said of course. With my experience this past year and a half, I’m an open book and in my opinion, this world always needs more people who want to go into the “cancer care” field.

So, in they walk and my doctor greets me as usual and then introduces their intern. I was told that this intern was briefed a bit on my story and background. That was great for me because I didn’t have to go into detail about my journey right then and I could answer any questions she had. My doctor examines me and explains a few things about my skin and how the radiated side looks different from the non radiated side. My doctor goes over a few self care things I need to do at home to help with my wound healing and asks this intern if she had any questions. She said no. But she kept looking at me. Looking at me kindly. All I could see were her eyes. And as she looked at me, I looked at her... this young 19 year old girl, and reiterated that I am an open book and she could ask me anything. She kindly continued to look at me, said no she had no questions and in that brief 20 or so seconds, her eyes seemed to say everything she was thinking in that moment. If her eyes could speak, to me they said sorry, wow, you are brave,  I can’t believe what you’ve had to go through, and so much more- all at the same time. And not that I need anyone to say those things to me, it was just nice and from a complete stranger. I know wearing these masks are a hard thing to get used to, but I’ve been doing it since this all started back in March because had to keep all my doctor appointments. Life of a cancer patient, even a “free of disease” one, still goes on even when the world stops.

So the next time you wear a mask out and you have a conversation with someone else wearing a mask, pay attention to their eyes. It opens up a whole new way of communicating. 😊

Wednesday June 3, 2020

A lot of time has passed.  I have so much to say, but where to start...

Since I’ve last written we’ve all been through quite a ride with the pandemic and being quarantined and now with the riots and the world seeming like it’s falling apart.  So much sadness in the world right now but with all that’s going wrong, there’s still so much to be grateful for, thankful for, and hopeful for.  At least to me there is.

When this quarantine first started, I was still recovering from chemo, surgery, radiation, the whole body physical limitations and ailments I had, and the emotional and mental toll that my journey with breast cancer had taken on me. All the while, still being as present as I could for my kids. Matthew was nearing the final stretch of his kindergarten year, Ryan was just enrolled in daycare a few days a week, and I was finally, finally, going to have quiet rest days again. Complete rest days and me days. Days to go to more doctors and to take care of myself so that I could heal. Then the pandemic started and the world stopped. And we were all home. So this time once again, wasn’t about me anymore and what I needed. It was about transitioning and getting everyone used to what was going to be our new normal for an unknown amount of time. The hard part - our family had already been through so much so making sure our kids, especially Matthew, were ok, mentally and emotionally from this huge change was of the utmost importance. So with all my physical limitations and ailments and all the PT I was doing and all the psychological work I was doing, had to be put on hold for a bit and I had to once again learn to move forward. So we began remote learning. Matthew had a hard time transitioning, as expected. So we had a lot on our hands with me, with Matthew, with Ryan home - making sure he was getting the interaction and playing he needed for his development, and Jason now being home too. And we have no help because no one can come into our home. And we can’t go into anyone else’s home. And we had to figure out food delivery and curbside because Jason and I wouldn’t dare go into a store, and still won’t. All I can say is thank goodness for all my years of acquiring effective classroom management skills and all my years of working with toddlers, where I was able to get Matthew  and Ryan accustomed to our new routines, while transforming our kitchen into a classroom complete with a word wall with his sight words and all the visual aids he’d need, along with all of the visual aids Ryan could use to help him with his vocabulary. Getting our family used to this new lifestyle was no easy task, as I’m sure everyone can relate, but for us it was a lot.

For me, staying home though, was the easy part. Because that’s what I had been doing. For over a year I had to be very careful with who I came into contact with. I couldn’t kiss or hug anyone. I had hand sanitizer with me. I didn’t go to crowded places or places where I could possibly come into contact with germs. I had to stay away from my kids for days at a time - especially when they were sick. I had to quarantine myself away from them and my husband. So staying home... this was easy for me. So I was able to help ease the rest of my family into it. The hard part was not being able to know when I could continue with what I needed myself to continue to heal and when I’d ever be able to go forward with the surgeries that I still needed. But I was used to waiting so what was a little while longer, right? I could do it. I had no choice.

Throughout my entire cancer journey, the part that came to reconstruction was always a very hard thing for me to decide upon. I had months of research and talking to others that had every option I had done and appointments with plastic surgeons, but it was still a very hard thing for me to figure out. I had 3 options and nothing seemed appealing to me. I didn’t want to have a foreign object placed in me (implants) for the risk of all the complications that can come from them. There was already a type of implant that was founded to cause another type of cancer and although that type was removed and is no longer being used, who’s to say that whatever was placed in me wouldn’t result in that down the line? Or I could get another infection as I did with the expanders. Or I could be fine. I just wasn’t sure after everything I’d been through if that was a risk I’d be willing to take. And after 10 years they need to be replaced. I’m not even 40 yet. I don’t want to have to have surgery for replacements every 10 years. Then there are other ways to reconstruct with using muscle and fat from different parts of your body, mostly the stomach area which seems pretty appealing because it’s like you are getting a tummy tuck at the same time, but the recovery  and the amount of recovery time.... listen... I’ve recovered from 2 c-sections and I’ve also recovered from a double mastectomy. I know what the recovery entails for both and I CANNOT imagine recovering from both at the same time. Which is pretty much what it would feel like. No way. Not for me.  And to me, we don’t have extra muscles to move around. Our muscles are in place where they are for a reason. I don’t want to move muscle and tissue around. So the only other option, was to go flat. And I’ll never forget the day back in February when I made that decision. I was so excited that I had made this decision, that I couldn’t just call them - I had to drive over to my parents house just to tell them. I felt so clear and so free - like a weight had been lifted and I could breathe and think clearer. And then my surgery date was set for May and I was all ready. And then this pandemic happened and I wasn’t sure when I was going to be able to go through with this. I had been uncomfortable for so long, I just wanted this over with and the thought of it not being able to happen or not knowing when it would happen was so frustrating.

In the beginning of May I developed some new ailments that I needed to have scans done for. Areas in my body that weren’t hurting before, began to hurt a lot and we weren’t sure what was going on. I wasn’t meaning to jump to any conclusions, but someone like me would automatically go there. So needless to say it was pretty nerve wracking. Came to the conclusion, after scans, that I had fluid buildup around my expander and that could be contributing to my discomfort. Of course we were relieved to find out that it was nothing worse, but we all agreed - surgeons and oncologist, myself, my husband and my family - that it was time for this expander to come out. So as soon as we were given the green light for all non essential surgical procedures to resume, it was go time. Although my surgery was considered non essential, it was in fact very essential to me lol. So we were doing this. I was doing this. I couldn’t wait. I could taste and feel the sense of relief I was going to feel as soon as this procedure was over with. I was going to feel free. This was going to be my closure. I could finally be done. This thing in me could finally come out and that’s the end of this and then I could really heal and recover. This was my true light at the end of the tunnel.

So this past Monday, 6/1/2020, I went into my plastic surgeons practice and had my expander taken out and I was closed up. It didn’t have to be done in a hospital because my plastic surgeon has his own OR in his practice. So now on both sides I have nothing there and I’ve never been happier with a decision I’ve made. Something that caused me to be very sick, something that was life threatening, something that caused not only me but my family so much heartache and pain, now it’s over. And I don’t have to worry as much as if I had something placed in me or had a more invasive procedure.

Today I was able to take bandages off and was able to get a good look at what my surgeon did and I can honestly say all those freeing feelings I thought I’d feel - they were there and more. I was overwhelmed by thankfulness and gratitude and peace. This is where my life can start to get back on track. I’ll finally be able to move my arms again and bend again and eventually I’ll be able to walk for longer and play with my kids for longer and not feel like my body is falling apart. This is where I start to heal and my life gets to start returning back to what is normal for me and my husband and my kids. I still have one more surgical procedure to go through but later on in the summer most likely.

I have to say though - my kids, they are the absolute greatest. My Matthew is so kind and helps out so much. He offers to get things for me and wants to bring me water and asks to make me fruit salad. When I’m sleeping on the couch during the day he comes into the room to check on me. And my Ryan is the cutest. He climbs up on the couch next to me and leans on me and sits with me. He kisses my arm where he thinks mommy’s boo boo is and they both just melt my heart. The best is when I wake up from a nap or in the morning and I hear them laughing and playing together. It fills my soul. The silver lining to this time under quarantine.... my boys are playing more together and interacting more together and it’s exactly the way it should be.

So at a time where our world is falling apart and there’s so much sadness, I have found my happy and can be at peace with myself and I can be on the mend to feeling better. And I hope and pray that others can find their way as well.

Stay safe everyone.
#teammicheleforever
💪🏻💗🙏

Wednesday March 18, 2020

This wasn’t supposed to be getting harder. I already did the hard stuff. Right now I was supposed to be trying to get back to some kind of normalcy. Instead I’m staring at the same walls for who knows how long....

A year ago at this time, for me the world was a scary place. I was fighting for my life. I hate to use this phrase but it’s the g-d awful truth, I was merely trying not to die.

It’s been determined that I have a very high case of PTSD and one of the normal/common side effects of PTSD is feeling like the world is still unsafe, under normal conditions. Now the work is REALLY unsafe, as we social distance ourselves and self quarantine ourselves. Imagine how that plays out in my mind, body, and soul. Now I have to really practice mindfulness and my breathing techniques. As long as I’m in my house with my family, and we don’t go anywhere I’m fine. Thank goodness these kids of mine don’t have to go anywhere and Jason can work from home. But then we still have the people out there that still aren’t taking this seriously and so it’s like never ending. If you are someone who isn’t taking social distancing seriously, I have one question for you.... WHY???

Just like cancer, COVID-19 doesn’t discriminate and is deadly. Just like cancer, it may not be deadly for everyone who contracts this awful sickness, but it’s showing a huge amount of death tolls everyday. And for someone who may be still be immunocompromised, it’s even scarier. I didn’t fight for my life with cancer to worry about dying from a different sickness.. at least one that has no cure. One that there’s no specific medicine or vaccine for. At least with cancer it’s something that isn’t spreadable airborne. If And at least with cancer, there are treatments.  I think I have more anxiety now with this going on than I did when I was first diagnosed with cancer, and I didn’t think that was even possible.

So these days we are in our home, homeschooling, playing, waving to friends on our driveway from feet apart.  We are video conferencing with friends and FaceTiming with family. Sometimes my kids start to lose it, sometimes we as parents start to lose it, but eventually this will end and because we stayed away and took this seriously, we will be ok. But this is extremely hard. And we didn’t think life for us could get any harder.

But here’s where the positivity comes into play. Instead of focusing on what we can’t do, focus on what we can do. We can spend more time with our families. We can cuddle more with our kids. We can use our imaginations and all of the online resources to make this a fun time for kids, not a traumatic time for kids. Turn off the news during the day. It will still be there at night. I have apps that I get push notifications for if there’s breaking news. That’s enough for me and then later on when the kids are asleep, I take a bit and catch up. If you don’t have kids, use this as a time to take up a hobby that you always wanted to do. Or practice your skills. Lots of museums are offering free virtual tours for kids. Join in on some. Not being able to have social gatherings, birthday celebrations, sporting games, and maybe even a wedding can be super frustrating and saddening. But at times like these you have to focus on THE MOST important things- you are alive, hopefully you are well, you have a roof over your head, and thankfully there is technology to help us socialize with others.

Just like cancer, I was learning to live in a new norm, we all have to do the same for awhile. This is our new norm and as long as you take precautions and are well, be happy that you are. If you have very little kids, be very happy you don’t have to homeschool them yet! It’s hard!!

I wouldn’t recommend bashing people that are having a hard time with any of this. Judgement doesn’t help. Maybe parents are having a hard time teaching because this isn’t their field of expertise but if I were asked to do your job and I had no clue what I was doing, you’d bet I’d feel overwhelmed and discouraged. And when teachers teach in the classroom, we may have to teach to 20-30 kids, but we don’t have little toddlers or babies to care for at the same time. We have the tools and the classroom management skills to reign in our students. And don’t forget, our kids are disappointed right now too. Our young ones have to adapt to a whole new way of learning. Without an actual classroom, without friends, with possible external distractions like younger siblings running around which might not be stoppable at certain times. They have to get used to all of this too. And teachers have never done this before so it’s all trial and error for everyone. This is uncharted territory for EVERYONE.

So let’s try to uplift, rather than bash or laugh at others who are struggling. Let’s help and support one another during these trying times. We are all trying to do our best to stay afloat in this crazy world. And for those of us, like me, who thought the struggling was over, are thrown right back into it again.

Kindness, support, strength, love, prayer for those who need it. That’s what we all should be doing. Don’t stress over the small stuff and if you need help, reach out. Make things work for you. Learn to adapt however you can and if you can’t get schoolwork done in a day, it’s ok. Family time is super important too and these kids need us at our best. This shouldn’t be traumatic for them. They act how we act. So try to find the good and relax. Make this fun. A new learning experience for everyone.

If we do what’s necessary now and hunker down, we all can have that many more happy times outside the home in the near future. 💗

Wednesday February 26, 2020

It’s been awhile since I’ve been able to write. I’ve wanted to write... I knew exactly what I wanted to write about... but I just couldn’t get it out.  Not sure what changed tonight that I decided I was able to get it out now, but I’ll take it because these days I’m still all over the place. Why? Because I’m still living with the aftermath of everything I’ve been through.

One of the hardest parts of going through breast cancer is actually the aftermath. The part that no one talks about because when it’s over and done, it’s over and done. You put it behind you and move on. For some, that’s doable and for most it’s what’s been done. For me, and there’s proven research to show, and for a majority of people my age who survived breast cancer, we can’t do that. We can’t brush it under a rug and say “well it’s over now so let’s get on with it” because every single day is a constant reminder of what went on just a few months ago. I’m learning little by little that during a traumatic event, even if the brain doesn’t recall something, the body does. Our bodies remember things more than we know. When our bodies remember, that sends signals to the brain and there’s a trigger. I have lots of triggers. Feelings, tastes, smells, seeing something, being in a place where something took place or something reminds me of my traumatic event. Writing. Writing became a trigger because from the very beginning of all of this I always wrote. Then comes the avoidance of these things that cause triggers. So goodbye writing.

Then your instincts are off, you are off, your whole body is off - from your head to your toes. Nothing is the same way it was before. And then you are told that this is the new you. This is your new life now. This is your new normal.  But I don’t want this to be me. I’m 39 years old and I cannot live the rest of my life feeling like this. So off I went to more doctors and I’m so glad I did. I’m learning that it’s ok and it’s normal for me to feel this way and low and behold, it can be...temporary!!

So hello PTSD and hello therapy. Hello lymphadema and hello physical therapy. Both twice a week. Hello doctors that CAN help me. Hello medications that can try to help me feel better, for now until I can undergo more surgical procedures to help me in the long run. There IS a way out of this and this doesn’t have to entirely be my new normal.

From day 1 I’ve been my own advocate. I won’t stop fighting for what I feel is right when it comes to my own health and I won’t stop researching and learning. There’s no price tag on health. And as I sit here holding my almost 2 year old boy and before I snuggled with my more than halfway to 6 year old boy, I am just so grateful I am the way I am... that I fight and I don’t give up when I believe in something, especially when it comes to health.

So it may seem like I’m ok - I’m out doing things and having some fun. And I used to feel guilty about that. Until I came to terms with realizing that for the hell I’ve been through and the craziness that I’m continuing to go through now, I deserve it. I rest when I need to, I get up when I can and I try to live as normally as possible. But I have restrictions and things that I cannot do. My upper body strength is gone, I have limited mobility, and I’m still fighting through fatigue. I sure am done with treatments, I’ve survived the worst. But that’s not the case. Don’t get me wrong- the treatments I went through were indescribable, but you go through the motions and you don’t have time to actually think or process anything. Fight or flight. It’s survival mode. Then it’s all over and you have to pick up the pieces and put yourself back together. And that part takes time. Especially with the limited amount of mobility and the limited amount of energy you do have, that time is devoted to two little ones. There’s not much time left to put ourselves back together.

So I’m here....Still fighting...Still going strong, as I always did and will continue to do. But this part isn’t easy either because now it’s not only the physical pain I’m in all the time, it’s the mental struggle as well. I have found the right doctors to help me with this part though and I have made myself the time to get what I need done. I still have more doctors to see, more procedures to be done, and more important decisions to be made. But I have the help I need and the support I need and I’ll be ok. I haven’t reached that light at the end of the tunnel yet, but I’m pushing through and I’ll get there. It will just take some more time. And I’m ok with that. Whatever it takes for me to be whole body healthy.

Just figured I’d send out an update.
💗💪🏻🙏