Tuesday March 26th

It’s been quite awhile since I’ve written anything.  Partly because chemo brain is for real so most of the time I can’t even think of how to put anything into words anymore and partly because sometimes my fingers don’t work quite the way I want them too so typing things out can be a chore just the same as actual pen to paper. Or I’ll get something in my head, it makes perfect sense, but then I go to write or type and it just disappears. And then I just don’t have the patience to even try and remember or try to put whatever it is into sense anymore and I move on.

It’s 3pm on Tuesday March 26th, I actually had to check the date because most of the time I have no idea what date it is. I know the days of the week because everything is pretty routine these days. I’m on the 2nd phase of my chemo treatments so I go weekly now. Wednesdays I get my infusion, Thursdays I feel very ok because of the steroids I’m given pre treatment and during my treatment, and then Fridays I crash. Fridays and Saturdays I pretty much sleep all day.  Sunday morning I’m still exhausted, but by the later afternoon I’m starting to come back. By Monday I’m ok again, Tuesday I’m fine. Then we start all over again Wednesday. And with the exhaustion comes other issues- bone pain in my back, tingling in the tips of my fingers, a chemo rash that appears in different spots, peeling skin on my hands, loss of appetite at times and a host of other ailments I’ll spare you the details of. And on top of all of this I have to try and stay healthy. Which this week I did not. It’s hard. I’m a mom and I have kids to attend to and even though Jason is absolutely taking over everything, there are times when my kids still want their mommy. Matthew is ok when I say I’m sorry I have to try to stay away because mommy has to be careful not to catch germs, but my almost 11 month old surely doesn’t get that. So last night when Ryan screamed and screamed because something was bothering him and he started sounding stuffy and wouldn’t let Jason soothe him, I know I have to be careful, and I was, but who steps in? Mommy, of course. And sure thing, he immediately calmed down. Barrier of blankets on my shoulder and against my face, not once putting my face in his. Once I got him to sleep I jumped into a hot shower and tried to disinfect myself as much as I could. But now I’m more susceptible to germs and I knew what was probably coming once I took him. So I woke up a little yucky and I have a treatment tomorrow. But it’s ok. I called my wonderful team of doctors and was told what to take, what to do, not to worry because being a mommy is still part of my life and I have to do what I have to do at times and and as long as my numbers are good and I’m feeling ok I go ahead with my treatment. Thankfully. I don’t want to skip a week if I don’t have to. So I sit here with Ryan napping on me because  I was told it’s ok, and after today Thursday will most likely be the only day before Monday comes that I’ll feel ok enough to spend time with him.

Going through this all is hard. It’s hard for anyone, at any stage of this, at any age. And everyone going through this will have their own ways to get through it all. Mine is always to focus on the positives, which in itself is a tough thing to do. My husband, my beautiful boys, my family, the friends I have, my team of doctors. I focus on the positives because even though I’m going through what I’m going through, things could always be worse and I’m so thankful for me that they aren’t. I thank everything I’ve got that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel for me. And even though I have hell to go through each week, there’s so much good I do have in my life that it’s enough to get me through. Sure I have bad days. Bad moments. When the hell seems like it’s never ending. But it ends- and the 2 or 3 good days I do have, I soak up every moment.

The hardest thing for me is I do have what’s called anticipatory anxiety. Because I know what’s coming. Even though I know I get through it, just the thought of what is going to happen is enough to set me off. And to be honest I felt guilty for feeling angry or feeling awful because there are others out there that have it so much worse. Through my team of doctors I learned that even though there are people out there who have it so much worse, it can’t negate the way I feel and I’m allowed to feel awful or angry at times. I just have to focus on the positives and that’s what I do.

And hearing from all of you, whether it’s a comment on a post, words of encouragement through a text or private message, a meal sent, or just knowing that you are keeping me in your thoughts just helps to make it all that much better for me.

There’s much more ahead for me, but I will get through this. I just have to take everything day by day at this point. Moment by moment if I have to on my off days.

On a good note, Ryan is officially walking today! I’ll post a video I took of him earlier this afternoon. It’s crazy how life is- I’m actually getting to see all of his firsts.

Treatment #3 out of 12 tomorrow. After tomorrow 9 more left. 💗💪🏻🙏