Saturday March 3, 2019

I haven’t been writing much recently because what is there really to write? I’m living in what feels like a ground hog day where every week is the same story. And am I really supposed to bore you with my reality every week?  But then again you are my supporters and when I feel down or am having a hard day it’s you guys who help get me through so then maybe I am supposed to write and share.

People that see me on a daily basis, they know what every day is like. Monday of treatment week I start to get anxious. Tuesday of treatment week I put my game face on and get into my mode. Wednesday treatment day I go and I just do it. I come home and I’m tired but it’s not too bad. Thursday I get tired and sleep more. Friday is bearable until later in the day. That’s when the steroids and the pre-meds from the chemo infusion wear off and the neulasta sets in and I know I’m in for a rough couple of days. Friday evenings every single muscle in my body aches from my head to my eyelids, to my chest, to my toes. I had a medicine this time to help, which did help, so it wasn’t too unbearable but I went to bed fri night at 5:30pm and slept until 7am. So that was good. Then Saturday. The anxiety sets in. The blood boiling I can feel my blood racing all throughout my body anxiety. And by Saturday night it becomes the anxiety when you want something bad enough to end already. But it doesn’t. And your mind can’t focus on anything else. That’s when my eyes are a bit blurry and off so I can’t watch tv, can’t read, can’t sit in a lighted room too long, I can’t eat, I can’t play with my kids, I can’t pick Ryan up, there’s nothing. I went for a walk, I took a shower, nothing. Finally 7:30pm I took some meds and I went to sleep. Sunday comes and I’m better but not out of the woods. I wake up and I’m ok for a bit but so so tired still. I just woke up from a 2 hr nap. I know sleep is good. I wish I could go back to sleep again. It passes the time so nicely. I still can’t eat, my muscle fatigue stinks so even typing this is hard and i def can’t hold my baby for long. So maybe by tonight I’ll come around a bit more and by tomorrow I’ll be on the mend, making my way back to the well side. By the time Wednesday comes I’ll be better and then just a few more days until the next storm comes. With this next storm comes a different chemo infusion so I have no idea what to expect. I’m hoping that it will be easier than this. Let’s all hope it’s easier than this. I can do it, but just a bit easier would be just so nice. So when you see me on my good days and I may look like I’m doing good, and for the most part I am, I’m still sick though and still fighting one hell of a battle every day.