Tuesday March 5th (yesterday)

It’s only 6:30am Tuesday morning. I’m just lying in my bed and I’ve never been so grateful because I can already tell that I’m starting to feel like me again. Thank goodness I can feel me.  Not medicated me, not groggy me, not I can’t function me, but me. I’m back. And I Iay here not ashamed to say I’m crying tears of joy this morning because it’s never felt so good to feel like me. Calm me. The past few days were agonizing, as I couldn’t feel like me at all and everything felt worse this time around. A new medication to help with nuelasta side effects gave me even more anxiety and I just couldn’t shake the feeling.  Which caused it to build and build and for the first time I had a bit of trouble because I couldn’t get back to feeling like me as quickly and I became so anxious that I gave myself my first panic attack. I didn’t know I was doing that. I thought something was wrong. My blood pressure, something spread, who knows... but it was just all me, in my head. I couldn’t calm down. I’m ok now.  And I’ll be ok.  I’m so lucky to have the best support system- husband, parents, sister, friends, and an amazing team of doctors who are willing to go more than the extra mile to help me. Seeing me at a moments notice just to ease my mind, finding ways to help me. And why do I feel like this now verses a few days ago? Well I’ll be working on getting to the bottom of that too but probably because this is a lot. I know I’ll be fine at the end of all of this but to get there is just pure hell sometimes. There are things within myself I still need to process and work through since this nasty sickness came into our lives. It happened and I just literally kept on going. No time to really let it sink in. Questions that will never be answered like why me and why now. And then there are those times when I don’t feel so great and I have to push it aside and just be a mom. That’s hard. And now it’s Wednesday morning and I’m still ok and feeling even better than yesterday. But perfect example is last night I was so beyond tired because I was up at 4am Tuesday morning for whatever reason and all I wanted to do was go to bed early last night. But Matthew had trouble sleeping and wouldn’t stay in his bed and kept coming out to us while I was on the couch watching tv and Jason was making Matthew’s lunch for today. I couldn’t go to bed because then Ryan started crying so Jason ran into Ryan and I stayed with Matthew. Matthew actually fell asleep on me. On the couch. Snuggled up into me and fell asleep. My 4 and a half year old who we are registering for kindergarten today. He hasn’t done that in years. So I just sat there and soaked it up. But I didn’t go to bed again until late again because he came first. Which is fine. But like I said there are times when I feel yucky and I have to push it aside. Or sometimes I can’t push it aside and Matthew has to see me, or I have to leave the room.  There are times when I’m by myself and my brain won’t shut off. I’ll learn how to manage better. And it’s Wednesday again and now I have lots of things planned for the rest of the week until Sunday at least. Because then next week starts and it’s just a few days away from what’s coming again.  And now I don’t know what to expect because it’s a new chemo. Will it be harder? Have no idea. I’m assuming it might be. Because this stuff in me is poison and it’s attacking everything in my body to get rid of this cancer. And each time I go I get more and more of it. I know my bone pain might be a little worse. But aside from that it’s the unknown again. I’ll have my game face on as I always do and do what is necessary. I’m just again so thankful for my team of supporters. And medication. I’m learning that sometimes just the right kind of medication can be good for me right now. And I know by posting all of this I’m making myself that much more vulnerable but I know that I have lots of people following me and following my blogs. And every so often I get a random message from someone I hadn’t heard from in years to say I made them go get checked or if there’s anything they could do for me to let them know or to share their stories of it happening to them, a family member, a friend, or just to say they are thinking/praying for me. It means the world to me. So thank you. I hope what I’m going through can at least help someone else somehow. Something good has to come out of all of this. 💗💪🏻🙏