September 14th 2019
Everything happens for a reason....
How many of you hear that often?? I do. I’ve heard it countless times. But when something bad happens, who wants to actually believe that? That this bad was meant to be. Unless, you are so fortunate to be able to find the good in that bad. Well, somehow, most times, I have been fortunate enough to be able to find the good in the bad. It’s just something I’ve always been able to do. And with some time to myself tonight that I really needed, I was able to think and reflect, and I can honestly say that along this path that I’ve been on for these past several months, I’ve found some good along the way and now I think I’ve found some more good that can come out of my bad. And I need your help and I’ll explain why...
I’ll start off by saying that I always knew I was meant to help people in some way. I’ve always had the ability to read people really well, to listen without judgement,
and to take other sides of a situation into account. At a young age I knew I wanted to work in a profession that could help people in some way. I didn’t know what that was but I tested the waters in many different areas. And, not to toot my own horn, but I felt pretty confident in all areas I tried. So deciding which path to choose became so much harder.
To me there’s always been an interest as to how the mind works. The mind, personality and behavior have always all been quite intriguing to me. So upon entering college I decided to pursue an education in psychology. I actually have a bachelors degree in psychology and although I came to a realization that a career in child psychology was of interest to me, I never actually got to continue in that avenue. Other life stuff got in the way. So I ended up on a different path.
I was just 20 years old when I started working in the early childhood field. I took care of babies as young as 6 months old to teaching children just about 5 years of age, right before they were ready for kindergarten. I followed this path for several years. It was over the course of these few years that I knew I was meant to work with children in some aspect. It just came so easy to me. I felt, just like I could do with anyone, that I could read children easily and I could come to understand them so well in such a short amount of time. At such a young age, as just an assistant teacher, I was able to help teach these children and was able to gain their respect, all at the same time. I could be fun, but when it was time to learn, it was time and they knew it. It was just a knack I had. And I still do to this day.
From then on I continued to work with children in different areas, ultimately becoming employed as a classroom teacher in a public school district. I love to help children, to help them to see their potential and to reach their goals. For all intents and purposes, I am like their 2nd parent for the day and will treat any child as if they were my own, every single day.
Through my love of children, I found that during my later years, I knew I was always meant to be a mother. Having a knack with children who weren’t my own, only made me want to have children of my own so much more. And now that I do, I can say being able to parent and raise my own kids thus far, the way I always knew I wanted to, has been the ultimate reward. My kids are my world. And even though we had our first child easily, there was a time when we didn’t know if we would be able to have a 2nd. And even though we had a first child, not being able to have our family completed with a second child was absolutely devastating, as it should be if that’s what is desired. Finally 3 years later, our 2nd baby was born and everything I had prayed for was here. I learned to be thankful with our first baby and I thought I knew what gratitude was back then, but it was at that moment of our 2nd baby being born, that I really, thought I knew what being grateful was. Until 7 months after he was born and I was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer. Then, again, my whole perspective changed.
I’m giving all of this information and back story so that I can shed some light as to where I’m coming from today. It all goes hand in hand. Everything happens for a reason, right? So now, it’s December 2018 and I’ve got everything I’ve ever wanted, everything I’ve ever asked for and then, I’m diagnosed with breast cancer. Are you (sorry) f*%\ing kidding me? Talk about a curve ball.
Throughout my journey so far, I haven’t dwelled so much. I’ve been able to overcome my struggles, I’ve fought and I’ve helped. I know I have the support from my own family and friends, but sought out support from groups and people who have been where I stand and within the support groups I now go to once a month, I’ve found those people. We call ourselves the friends we’ve never wanted to have. Because we found each other, young and old, because of breast cancer. I go to three different groups and they all are important to me, just as an AA group would be super important for an alcoholic, because these are people who can relate to everything I’m feeling and am going through. I’ve been so proactive in taking control of what I can take control of and I’ve even been asked to help newly diagnosed younger women, as if I am an experienced alumni to these groups. But, I’m not. I’m still in active treatment. I’ve done my research though, have been my own advocate when needed, listened to doctors, gotten multiple professional opinions, I ask questions when I don’t understand something, and am not afraid to sound stupid or naive, AND, yes the biggest achievement throughout this entire process so far, with much help, I’ve been able to parent and navigate this with 2 very young children.
With that being said, when I was first diagnosed, the thought of going through any of this was absolutely beyond terrifying but that was magnetized even more so because my children were babies, our youngest being just 7 months old. Working with young children for so many years and my background in child psychology gave me the ability to be able to help coach my husband through telling our 4 year old, just what he needed to know, but this was all new territory, for the both of us. It was then that I knew I needed to be proactive in finding ways to navigate this with young children. I googled, I found websites and online groups, but to me, nothing is better than coming face to face and having an actual discussion or reading a book by someone who’s encountered similar situations, but every book I came across just stated the ways to look for the positives or to be grateful or how to be happy. I didn’t need that. The people I came across in my groups that I love are absolutely amazing, but most of them are older. They didn’t go through this with young children or were unfortunately younger than me and didn’t even have any children yet. I couldn’t find anyone who was like me. And then I found younger mothers just like me, but just like me they were trying, and are still trying to navigate. There’s really nothing out there solely for young mothers with kids or mothers with kids or young kids. And as cancer doesn’t discriminate, nor does it differentiate, I’m finding that the support that I need, or needed a few months ago definitely differs from others who are older or who don’t have children.
So everything happens for a reason, I’ll say again because I had the ability to reach out to those few younger moms diagnosed with cancer, like me that I now know, and we are all in agreement that the support that I’m describing is something that they could’ve used or could still use and I’ve decided that I’m going to try to help and do something about that. I want to help guide those other newly diagnosed young moms. And as I haven’t thought everything out yet, and this is a relatively new idea, I’m close to putting into action. So this is where you all come in. Unfortunately breast cancer in younger women is becoming very, very common and there are so many being diagnosed now with young kids and most of us unfortunately know one or two or maybe more. If you know of anyone, any young mother either newly diagnosed, diagnosed and going through treatment, or a survivor with young kids and might need support or would want to offer support to others and wouldn’t mind sharing their stories, please put them in contact with me if they wouldn’t mind!! Email me, fb message me, text me, call me!! If you need contact info, let me know!
Everything happens for a reason and I’m DETERMINED more than ever to find all the good in this madness.
Thanks for reading and for your continuous love and support!!!!
💗💪🏻🙏
Saturday, September 14, 2019
Monday, September 2, 2019
September 2, 2019
It’s Monday evening on Labor Day. It’s 6:20pm and I’m sitting outside the front of my house. It’s my new favorite place to sit when I need to take a few moments for myself. I kick my shoes off and relax on my favorite Adirondack chair and even with the occasional noises of cars going by or other neighbors talking, I still find it so extremely peaceful out here. Due to the fact that we have an overhang over our porch, within the past few weeks that have gone by, I’ve even loved sitting out here while it rained. Sometimes Matthew would even come out here and sit with me and we’d just chat or listen to the rain. Right now I’m by myself and I’m ok with that.
I can’t believe it’s September. I think we always say that, as the summer comes to a close. I’m always sad to see the summer come to an end because it’s my favorite season, but this year I’m ok with the months flying by. I’m not trying to rush anything but the faster the days or the months go by, the sooner everything that I’ve been through throughout these past 10 months and am now continuing with over the next few months, will all be behind me because I’ve been through a lot there’s still more. Yes, the tumors were taken out and yes, I am so lucky, and I have always been and will continue to be positive about everything, but to be honest, I’m tired. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. I’m ok, but I’m tired. And I’m not done yet. The fatigue that I feel now is different. I’m not sleepy tired, but I’m just drained almost all of the time. After a full day of being with the kids and trying to stay active, even though I’m still limited in what I can do, my body still hurts. My arms, my shoulders, my back, my left hip especially. And it’s overwhelming at times. Because I’m 38 years old and I have 2 children, one of which is only 16 months old and requires a ton of attention and I want to be able to do things with him like I was able to do with Matthew. I’m determined to do so. But my body still aches and I’m always tired and it’s really hard sometimes.
I’ve been through 16 intense rounds of chemo, a 6 hour surgical procedure, an infection in one of my expanders after the reconstruction which is leaving me unsymmetrical for awhile, drains in and out me for over a month, medications like you wouldn’t believe, a million and a half doctor appointments, and because of my infection I’ve been to my plastic surgeons office so many times we are all becoming good friends... so if anyone ever needs a plastic surgeon I highly recommend my group. And now tomorrow I start my next phase - 28 rounds of radiation.
I haven’t updated in quite some time but so during my double mastectomy surgical procedure, my surgeon also took out lymph nodes to be tested. Turns out that there were traces of cancer cells in one of my lymph nodes and the radiologist that also read my pathology reports confirmed that there was more evidence of disease in other areas of the same left breast, than was shown on the mammogram and other scans that I had done when I was first diagnosed. And that not being founded until that point is unfortunately fairly common, due to dense tissue. So the mastectomy was definitely the way to go. But because of the evidence of more disease and the traces of cancer cells in a lymph node, that determined that radiation was in fact the next step for me. So, I’ll be going daily for what is called proton radiation therapy. Proton radiation is a little newer and is not commonly used for breast cancer radiation, but proton radiation will be more targeted to specific areas that need to be hit and therefore will be less harmful to the surrounding organs, especially my heart and taking my age into consideration, my team felt that this was the way to go vs the more commonly used X-ray radiation which kind of encompasses the entire area that is being radiated. One is not better than the other, as both do the exact same thing, but proton radiation is just better at targeting specific areas, which is what I need. But due to the nature of my cancer, I am going to be treated pretty aggressively, I’m being told, to make sure that everything is gotten and to prevent recurrence. And by no means will the side effects be anything like I had while I went through 4 months of intense chemo therapy, but I have to mentally prepare myself once again for the possibilities of what I could feel like. Fatigue for sure, if I’m already feeling it, burns to the areas being treated, and honestly, the unknown right now. I’ll have to go to physical therapy to make sure I keep exercising the side that’s being radiated and I have to stay as active as I can to lessen the fatigue. I trust my medical team completely though and I know everyone is ready to help me with anything I need. This proton therapy is so new that there are only 13 centers in the entire US that offer this kind of treatment. I’m super lucky to have one close enough, but I still have to travel 40 min each way, every day for 28 days, for a session that will last for approximately 30 minutes. It’s what I have to do. The center I’m going to is immaculate though and they offer so much to their patients. I even get to be apart of a graduation ceremony when I’m finished.
So here I go, game face back on, to get through this next step. I know I’ll get through it and compared to everything I’ve already done, I know it will not be nearly as bad, but because of everything I’ve been through already that’s what makes this harder. Because I’m tired. But I’ll find my strength just as I have before and in a few weeks I’ll look back on this part of my journey and I’ll realize how fast it all went by, just as the summer did. I’m not a person who is ever excited for Fall or even Halloween because it means that winter season is right around the corner, but this year I’m ready because by then hopefully it will be the start to being onto better days.
Thinking of all my teacher friends starting up tomorrow or this week! Jamesburg friends- have a great day back tomorrow and I’ll be back as soon as I can!
💗💪🏻🙏
It’s Monday evening on Labor Day. It’s 6:20pm and I’m sitting outside the front of my house. It’s my new favorite place to sit when I need to take a few moments for myself. I kick my shoes off and relax on my favorite Adirondack chair and even with the occasional noises of cars going by or other neighbors talking, I still find it so extremely peaceful out here. Due to the fact that we have an overhang over our porch, within the past few weeks that have gone by, I’ve even loved sitting out here while it rained. Sometimes Matthew would even come out here and sit with me and we’d just chat or listen to the rain. Right now I’m by myself and I’m ok with that.
I can’t believe it’s September. I think we always say that, as the summer comes to a close. I’m always sad to see the summer come to an end because it’s my favorite season, but this year I’m ok with the months flying by. I’m not trying to rush anything but the faster the days or the months go by, the sooner everything that I’ve been through throughout these past 10 months and am now continuing with over the next few months, will all be behind me because I’ve been through a lot there’s still more. Yes, the tumors were taken out and yes, I am so lucky, and I have always been and will continue to be positive about everything, but to be honest, I’m tired. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. I’m ok, but I’m tired. And I’m not done yet. The fatigue that I feel now is different. I’m not sleepy tired, but I’m just drained almost all of the time. After a full day of being with the kids and trying to stay active, even though I’m still limited in what I can do, my body still hurts. My arms, my shoulders, my back, my left hip especially. And it’s overwhelming at times. Because I’m 38 years old and I have 2 children, one of which is only 16 months old and requires a ton of attention and I want to be able to do things with him like I was able to do with Matthew. I’m determined to do so. But my body still aches and I’m always tired and it’s really hard sometimes.
I’ve been through 16 intense rounds of chemo, a 6 hour surgical procedure, an infection in one of my expanders after the reconstruction which is leaving me unsymmetrical for awhile, drains in and out me for over a month, medications like you wouldn’t believe, a million and a half doctor appointments, and because of my infection I’ve been to my plastic surgeons office so many times we are all becoming good friends... so if anyone ever needs a plastic surgeon I highly recommend my group. And now tomorrow I start my next phase - 28 rounds of radiation.
I haven’t updated in quite some time but so during my double mastectomy surgical procedure, my surgeon also took out lymph nodes to be tested. Turns out that there were traces of cancer cells in one of my lymph nodes and the radiologist that also read my pathology reports confirmed that there was more evidence of disease in other areas of the same left breast, than was shown on the mammogram and other scans that I had done when I was first diagnosed. And that not being founded until that point is unfortunately fairly common, due to dense tissue. So the mastectomy was definitely the way to go. But because of the evidence of more disease and the traces of cancer cells in a lymph node, that determined that radiation was in fact the next step for me. So, I’ll be going daily for what is called proton radiation therapy. Proton radiation is a little newer and is not commonly used for breast cancer radiation, but proton radiation will be more targeted to specific areas that need to be hit and therefore will be less harmful to the surrounding organs, especially my heart and taking my age into consideration, my team felt that this was the way to go vs the more commonly used X-ray radiation which kind of encompasses the entire area that is being radiated. One is not better than the other, as both do the exact same thing, but proton radiation is just better at targeting specific areas, which is what I need. But due to the nature of my cancer, I am going to be treated pretty aggressively, I’m being told, to make sure that everything is gotten and to prevent recurrence. And by no means will the side effects be anything like I had while I went through 4 months of intense chemo therapy, but I have to mentally prepare myself once again for the possibilities of what I could feel like. Fatigue for sure, if I’m already feeling it, burns to the areas being treated, and honestly, the unknown right now. I’ll have to go to physical therapy to make sure I keep exercising the side that’s being radiated and I have to stay as active as I can to lessen the fatigue. I trust my medical team completely though and I know everyone is ready to help me with anything I need. This proton therapy is so new that there are only 13 centers in the entire US that offer this kind of treatment. I’m super lucky to have one close enough, but I still have to travel 40 min each way, every day for 28 days, for a session that will last for approximately 30 minutes. It’s what I have to do. The center I’m going to is immaculate though and they offer so much to their patients. I even get to be apart of a graduation ceremony when I’m finished.
So here I go, game face back on, to get through this next step. I know I’ll get through it and compared to everything I’ve already done, I know it will not be nearly as bad, but because of everything I’ve been through already that’s what makes this harder. Because I’m tired. But I’ll find my strength just as I have before and in a few weeks I’ll look back on this part of my journey and I’ll realize how fast it all went by, just as the summer did. I’m not a person who is ever excited for Fall or even Halloween because it means that winter season is right around the corner, but this year I’m ready because by then hopefully it will be the start to being onto better days.
Thinking of all my teacher friends starting up tomorrow or this week! Jamesburg friends- have a great day back tomorrow and I’ll be back as soon as I can!
💗💪🏻🙏
Saturday, July 13, 2019
July 12th 2019
It’s amazing how time really flies by. I mean we experience it everyday with our kids, our jobs, our daily lives, but how often do we sit down and really reflect on the time that has gone by? I love to reflect. It’s something that I’ve grown accustomed to because it reminds me of where I’ve been and how far I’ve come with anything I’ve done and how I want to improve or do differently. This practice has absolutely benefited me in every aspect of my life.
Back in December when my journey with breast cancer began, of course I went through the mental and emotional challenges of why me but never did I let it phase me. I’m a very, very structured person who loves to have a plan in place and I guess you can say maybe spiritual in a way, where I believe that everything that happens in our lives happens for a reason, so as I looked back on all of my life experiences I couldn’t help to think not why me, but how me...how was I led to this point? And although both questions of how I was led to this point and why I was given this journey will never be answered and I’m ok with that, I always have and will always still truly believe in my heart that everything, all of my life experiences thus far have built me up and have made me strong enough to not only fight this battle, but to win this battle.
Although my journey isn’t over yet, tonight I feel victorious. Since the day of my biopsy back in December I promised myself that I would take everything step by step, and I’ve followed that since. Whether it be minute by minute, hours by hours, days by days, weeks by weeks, milestone by milestone, everything has been and continues to be a checklist in my mind. After my procedure on July 1st, I was left with 4 drains and omg were they uncomfortable. But with everything I’ve been through, the drains by far were nothing except for a nuisance. During the weeks of chemo my checklist was minute by minute, sometimes hour by hour, then day by day. Then it was procedure time and my checklist was milestone by milestone- ok surgery done, check. Got out of hospital, check. Can sleep on couch recliner, check. And every day that I could do a little bit more, was a check. Getting 2 drains out during my plastic surgeon visit this past Monday at only a week out of my procedure, check!! Ok next appointment is Friday and hopefully these last 2 drains can come out. Check! They were taken out! One more thing crossed off my list! Another milestone completed. No more drains in me and I’m only 12 days post procedure.
It’s hard to put into words and to describe what I’m actually feeling but if I try, I can say that tonight I feel free. I’ve never climbed an actual mountain but I think I can equate my feelings to something of the sort. All this time I truly felt like I’ve been climbing a mountain. I was tired and sore, pushing myself to keep going little by little. And with every milestone crossed off my list, the higher I’ve climbed on this mountain and tonight I feel like I’ve made it to the top. I can breathe a little easier, I can think a little bit clearer, except for when my chemo brain comes into play and I can’t remember something lol, and tonight I just feel stronger. And as I said before we don’t know if my journey is over yet, but I feel at peace with where I am. Tonight im sitting in my backyard but it’s almost if I’m standing on top of that mountain looking around. I had dinner tonight with friends, celebrating my milestone with good food and a glass of wine, and now as I sit here in silence, the moon is out, the sky has amazing colors, and the fireflies are starting to dance. I’m feeling gratitude for everything around me.
So what happens now....
Thursday, July 18th, that’s next on my checklist because that’s when we’ll hopefully find out about what the next step is. It could be radiation, it could be I don’t need radiation, it could be something else. But for this weekend I’m choosing not to think about it. I’m choosing to celebrate where I’ve been and what I’ve accomplished, and where I am today. The adrenaline rush after getting these drains out is crazy. Don’t worry, I’m not going overboard. I will still take it easy and follow my directions of not lifting and still not doing too much, but I’m headed into this weekend feeling amazing. I’ve never in my life ever doubted myself at anything I’ve done, but now I feel more than ever before that I can do anything and I can handle anything. Nothing can phase me and nothing can bring me down. Tonight I feel amazing. And with my new look that I was finally brave enough to reveal this week....maybe even a little badass, as my husband likes to say.
I was always tough before, but now I’m feeling tougher than ever. I’m still the same old Michele, but with a whole new outlook and perspective. I’m never thankful for my cancer, but I’m thankful for what my cancer has taught me. Everything happens for a reason....
Enjoy your weekend!! I sure am going to enjoy mine and sorry if I clog up your newsfeed with pics!!!
Michele 💗💪🏻😁
It’s amazing how time really flies by. I mean we experience it everyday with our kids, our jobs, our daily lives, but how often do we sit down and really reflect on the time that has gone by? I love to reflect. It’s something that I’ve grown accustomed to because it reminds me of where I’ve been and how far I’ve come with anything I’ve done and how I want to improve or do differently. This practice has absolutely benefited me in every aspect of my life.
Back in December when my journey with breast cancer began, of course I went through the mental and emotional challenges of why me but never did I let it phase me. I’m a very, very structured person who loves to have a plan in place and I guess you can say maybe spiritual in a way, where I believe that everything that happens in our lives happens for a reason, so as I looked back on all of my life experiences I couldn’t help to think not why me, but how me...how was I led to this point? And although both questions of how I was led to this point and why I was given this journey will never be answered and I’m ok with that, I always have and will always still truly believe in my heart that everything, all of my life experiences thus far have built me up and have made me strong enough to not only fight this battle, but to win this battle.
Although my journey isn’t over yet, tonight I feel victorious. Since the day of my biopsy back in December I promised myself that I would take everything step by step, and I’ve followed that since. Whether it be minute by minute, hours by hours, days by days, weeks by weeks, milestone by milestone, everything has been and continues to be a checklist in my mind. After my procedure on July 1st, I was left with 4 drains and omg were they uncomfortable. But with everything I’ve been through, the drains by far were nothing except for a nuisance. During the weeks of chemo my checklist was minute by minute, sometimes hour by hour, then day by day. Then it was procedure time and my checklist was milestone by milestone- ok surgery done, check. Got out of hospital, check. Can sleep on couch recliner, check. And every day that I could do a little bit more, was a check. Getting 2 drains out during my plastic surgeon visit this past Monday at only a week out of my procedure, check!! Ok next appointment is Friday and hopefully these last 2 drains can come out. Check! They were taken out! One more thing crossed off my list! Another milestone completed. No more drains in me and I’m only 12 days post procedure.
It’s hard to put into words and to describe what I’m actually feeling but if I try, I can say that tonight I feel free. I’ve never climbed an actual mountain but I think I can equate my feelings to something of the sort. All this time I truly felt like I’ve been climbing a mountain. I was tired and sore, pushing myself to keep going little by little. And with every milestone crossed off my list, the higher I’ve climbed on this mountain and tonight I feel like I’ve made it to the top. I can breathe a little easier, I can think a little bit clearer, except for when my chemo brain comes into play and I can’t remember something lol, and tonight I just feel stronger. And as I said before we don’t know if my journey is over yet, but I feel at peace with where I am. Tonight im sitting in my backyard but it’s almost if I’m standing on top of that mountain looking around. I had dinner tonight with friends, celebrating my milestone with good food and a glass of wine, and now as I sit here in silence, the moon is out, the sky has amazing colors, and the fireflies are starting to dance. I’m feeling gratitude for everything around me.
So what happens now....
Thursday, July 18th, that’s next on my checklist because that’s when we’ll hopefully find out about what the next step is. It could be radiation, it could be I don’t need radiation, it could be something else. But for this weekend I’m choosing not to think about it. I’m choosing to celebrate where I’ve been and what I’ve accomplished, and where I am today. The adrenaline rush after getting these drains out is crazy. Don’t worry, I’m not going overboard. I will still take it easy and follow my directions of not lifting and still not doing too much, but I’m headed into this weekend feeling amazing. I’ve never in my life ever doubted myself at anything I’ve done, but now I feel more than ever before that I can do anything and I can handle anything. Nothing can phase me and nothing can bring me down. Tonight I feel amazing. And with my new look that I was finally brave enough to reveal this week....maybe even a little badass, as my husband likes to say.
I was always tough before, but now I’m feeling tougher than ever. I’m still the same old Michele, but with a whole new outlook and perspective. I’m never thankful for my cancer, but I’m thankful for what my cancer has taught me. Everything happens for a reason....
Enjoy your weekend!! I sure am going to enjoy mine and sorry if I clog up your newsfeed with pics!!!
Michele 💗💪🏻😁
Sunday, July 7, 2019
Sunday July 7, 2019
8:30pm
A week ago at this exact time I was in my dad’s car headed for some ice cream. It was the night before my surgery and a few hours prior to this, I had gone to the beach and the pool with Jason and the kids and had the best day. We came home from our fun day sometime around 3:30/4pm and the mood changed. Due to the fact that I had to be at the hospital at 5:30am Monday morning, Matthew needed to be driven to camp, and Ryan needed to be cared for all day on Monday, best plan we could come up with was for Jason, Matthew and Ryan to stay over Jason’s parents house and for me to stay over my parents house Sunday night. Matthew was uneasy about staying over anywhere without Jason and so my in-laws didn’t have to be at our house by 4:30am, this was just the best scenario. My parents would take me to the hospital Monday morning, Jason would meet us there, and my in-laws would drive Matthew to camp and then keep Ryan for the day. So when we got home from the pool, bags needed to be packed. That’s when the moods started to change.
We had sat down with Matthew just the day before on Saturday and explained to him that mommy would be going to the hospital for a day or two. We called a family meeting again and this time when it was my turn to talk I said so remember this boo boo that mommy has over here? Well now that the special medicine worked and made mommy’s boo boo go away, now mommy’s boo boo has to be taken out and it has to be done by doctors at the hospital. But once it’s out mommy will be better, but I’ll stay for a night or two and then I’ll come home. And I’ll need to rest for a bit but in just a few weeks I’ll be ok. He just sat and looked at me with wide eyes and a slightly tilted head. He was processing. I said so not tomorrow but on Monday, in 2 days, mommy will go to the hospital, just like when I had to go to the hospital when Ryan was born. At this point Matthew started jumping around. Yoga, karate kicks, rolling on the floor. I was careful with what was said next. Obviously he was letting something out. I told him about our plan for Sunday night’s sleepover and he said ok mommy. That was it. He said can I go play now? And off he went. So he obviously at 5 years old had no concept of when this would actually be happening so Sunday when we got back and Jason started getting bags together, Matthew thought nothing of it. So I figured I’d better remind him, gently.
I sat next to him on the couch and said hey buddy remember the plan we spoke about? He said yeah... so I said well that’s happening tonight. You are going to Grammy and grandpa’s house tonight and tomorrow mommy is going to the hospital. His eyes glued to the tv but I knew he was listening as I could see his eyes getting watery. So I leaned over gave him a kiss and said but mommy will be ok. The boo boo will be out and I’ll be all better. And you can call me and FaceTime me and whatever you need. He said I want to come see you. I said at the hospital? He said yes. I said well I’m going to have wires in me like when Ryan was born and in bed and I’m not sure you would want to see that. He said I do. I really do mommy. So I told him that we would figure out a good time for him to come. And then, because I knew he needed some cheering up and because boys will be boys, the way to this boys heart these days is with, yes, potty words. And with everything this boy has been through in the past year with a new baby and then cancer with me, as long as it’s only in this house, I don’t care one bit. Anyone who knows our Matthew knows he’s the kindest, sweetest, most respectful, boy so a few potty words here or there, like I said in the house, doesn’t phase me at all. My motto these days is if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. So I leaned over and said hey Matthew I have something funny to tell you. He said what? Eyes still glued to the tv. I leaned over more and quietly said his favorite word these days.... butt. He immediately started laughing and rolled over on the couch and started joking around with me. I said you know what? I’ll even FaceTime you later and say Butt just to cheer you up. He’s hysterical at this point. He’s going to be fine. Just gotta get through these next few days.
So here we are, 8:30pm last Sunday night, about 3 hours after all 3 of my boys left, and my dad had just come to pick me up. We swung back to my parents house and my mom and my sister, who came down to be here for the surgery, both hopped in the car and we drove for some ice cream. I wasn’t really able to eat all day but ice cream I could totally do. I got some mint chocolate chip with rainbow sprinkles and it was delicious. And while I was eating my ice cream, my phone rang for FaceTime. It was my Matthew. Hi Mommy, remember what you said you’d say to me? Of course I do. So standing there in the middle of Cranbury at our favorite Gil and Bert’s I said Butts and we laughed hysterically and I didn’t care at all if anyone heard me.
We drove back to my parents house. The mood that evening was a little uneasy, although everyone was fine and supportive. I actually ended up falling asleep at some point. I woke up at 4:40am, we were in the car by 5am and I was ready to go. Game face on, let’s do this!!
Get this cancer out of me!!!
Obviously you all know now I’m on the road to recovery, as tomorrow I’ll be a week out of surgery already but it’s taken some time to process everything. Now that I’m coming to terms with everything I’ll definitely be writing more about my experiences these past few days. So if you want to know more, stay tuned....
💗💪🏻🙏👍🏻
8:30pm
A week ago at this exact time I was in my dad’s car headed for some ice cream. It was the night before my surgery and a few hours prior to this, I had gone to the beach and the pool with Jason and the kids and had the best day. We came home from our fun day sometime around 3:30/4pm and the mood changed. Due to the fact that I had to be at the hospital at 5:30am Monday morning, Matthew needed to be driven to camp, and Ryan needed to be cared for all day on Monday, best plan we could come up with was for Jason, Matthew and Ryan to stay over Jason’s parents house and for me to stay over my parents house Sunday night. Matthew was uneasy about staying over anywhere without Jason and so my in-laws didn’t have to be at our house by 4:30am, this was just the best scenario. My parents would take me to the hospital Monday morning, Jason would meet us there, and my in-laws would drive Matthew to camp and then keep Ryan for the day. So when we got home from the pool, bags needed to be packed. That’s when the moods started to change.
We had sat down with Matthew just the day before on Saturday and explained to him that mommy would be going to the hospital for a day or two. We called a family meeting again and this time when it was my turn to talk I said so remember this boo boo that mommy has over here? Well now that the special medicine worked and made mommy’s boo boo go away, now mommy’s boo boo has to be taken out and it has to be done by doctors at the hospital. But once it’s out mommy will be better, but I’ll stay for a night or two and then I’ll come home. And I’ll need to rest for a bit but in just a few weeks I’ll be ok. He just sat and looked at me with wide eyes and a slightly tilted head. He was processing. I said so not tomorrow but on Monday, in 2 days, mommy will go to the hospital, just like when I had to go to the hospital when Ryan was born. At this point Matthew started jumping around. Yoga, karate kicks, rolling on the floor. I was careful with what was said next. Obviously he was letting something out. I told him about our plan for Sunday night’s sleepover and he said ok mommy. That was it. He said can I go play now? And off he went. So he obviously at 5 years old had no concept of when this would actually be happening so Sunday when we got back and Jason started getting bags together, Matthew thought nothing of it. So I figured I’d better remind him, gently.
I sat next to him on the couch and said hey buddy remember the plan we spoke about? He said yeah... so I said well that’s happening tonight. You are going to Grammy and grandpa’s house tonight and tomorrow mommy is going to the hospital. His eyes glued to the tv but I knew he was listening as I could see his eyes getting watery. So I leaned over gave him a kiss and said but mommy will be ok. The boo boo will be out and I’ll be all better. And you can call me and FaceTime me and whatever you need. He said I want to come see you. I said at the hospital? He said yes. I said well I’m going to have wires in me like when Ryan was born and in bed and I’m not sure you would want to see that. He said I do. I really do mommy. So I told him that we would figure out a good time for him to come. And then, because I knew he needed some cheering up and because boys will be boys, the way to this boys heart these days is with, yes, potty words. And with everything this boy has been through in the past year with a new baby and then cancer with me, as long as it’s only in this house, I don’t care one bit. Anyone who knows our Matthew knows he’s the kindest, sweetest, most respectful, boy so a few potty words here or there, like I said in the house, doesn’t phase me at all. My motto these days is if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. So I leaned over and said hey Matthew I have something funny to tell you. He said what? Eyes still glued to the tv. I leaned over more and quietly said his favorite word these days.... butt. He immediately started laughing and rolled over on the couch and started joking around with me. I said you know what? I’ll even FaceTime you later and say Butt just to cheer you up. He’s hysterical at this point. He’s going to be fine. Just gotta get through these next few days.
So here we are, 8:30pm last Sunday night, about 3 hours after all 3 of my boys left, and my dad had just come to pick me up. We swung back to my parents house and my mom and my sister, who came down to be here for the surgery, both hopped in the car and we drove for some ice cream. I wasn’t really able to eat all day but ice cream I could totally do. I got some mint chocolate chip with rainbow sprinkles and it was delicious. And while I was eating my ice cream, my phone rang for FaceTime. It was my Matthew. Hi Mommy, remember what you said you’d say to me? Of course I do. So standing there in the middle of Cranbury at our favorite Gil and Bert’s I said Butts and we laughed hysterically and I didn’t care at all if anyone heard me.
We drove back to my parents house. The mood that evening was a little uneasy, although everyone was fine and supportive. I actually ended up falling asleep at some point. I woke up at 4:40am, we were in the car by 5am and I was ready to go. Game face on, let’s do this!!
Get this cancer out of me!!!
Obviously you all know now I’m on the road to recovery, as tomorrow I’ll be a week out of surgery already but it’s taken some time to process everything. Now that I’m coming to terms with everything I’ll definitely be writing more about my experiences these past few days. So if you want to know more, stay tuned....
💗💪🏻🙏👍🏻
Saturday, June 29, 2019
June 29, 2019- Saturday Night 10pm
I haven’t been writing much lately. There’s just been so much going on within the past few weeks, that except for the residual side effects of the chemo that I’ve learned to put up with or my weekly doctor appointments, I’ve kind of managed to put the C word to rest for a bit. Not that I couldn’t or wouldn’t talk about it, but it was nice to not have to think about it on a constant basis for a little bit.
So where have I been or what have I been up to since my chemo ended? Well, we’ve spent quality time as a family going to Sesame Place, Point Pleasant boardwalk, out to dinner together, and playing in our backyard. We’ve had friends over to our house, Jason and I have gone out on our own date nights or date days, and I’ve gone to dinner with friends. We celebrated Matthew’s 5th birthday and got to see him graduate Pre-K. I drove by myself to Haverstraw, NY to hang with my sister and my niece on the beautiful Hudson, I took Ryan to the beach, had mommy/Matthew time, and I took Ryan on his first merry go round ride. I participated in a Stomp the Monster event with my amazing, supportive family and friends to help raise money for other cancer patients and caregivers. I shopped by myself, spent time with my sister, my parents, my other close family members, my friends, and had play dates for Ryan. I also reunited with family that I hadn’t seen in quite some time. I ate foods that I hadn’t been able to tolerate in months, enjoyed some ice cream and some good wine from time to time, had some time to visit with coworkers and my class, and I finally made it to see Matthew’s last t-ball game. I’ve spent time awake all day on a Friday and have been able to stay up at night, and I’ve been functional on a Saturday and Sunday. There’s probably more, but I’m a little forgetful these days. Chemo brain is real. So, all this in a matter of 4 weeks. Do I still have pains? Yes, almost everywhere, usually all of the time. Do I still get tired easily? Always. Do I need help with the kids? Yes. But, I learned and am continuing to learn how to manage. I was told by my oncologist that for as long as I was receiving chemo treatments, it will take my body at the very least, the same amount of time if not a little longer, to return back to normal. So, I’ve been living my life and doing all of the things I haven’t been able to do in awhile, things I won’t be able to do for awhile again, and all of the things that we sometimes take for granted. Time that can never be gotten back- especially that time with my kids, my husband, and my family. Life certainly takes those unexpected turns and there’s absolutely no time to waste.
The past few months have certainly been nothing short of a rollercoaster ride with the ups and downs and twists and turns and everything and anything else in between with having stage 3 invasive ductal carcinoma breast cancer. A cancer that I found on my own with not only one tumor, but 2 tumors as I was only 7 months postpartum with our rainbow baby that we had been waiting for, for just about 3 years. It’s now been almost 7 months since the night I felt my tumors, a few days over 6 months since the day that I was given my diagnosis, and exactly 4 weeks to the day that I had my last chemo. And on this Monday, July 1st - 2 days, or as I write this, in just about 32 hours from now, I will be heading into surgery for my double mastectomy. A surgery that I’ve been waiting patiently for, for the past 6 months because all I’ve wanted since the day I was given my diagnosis was to get these cancer causing tumors and anything else related out of me and off of me. Even though the cancer is only on the left side, I’ve elected to do both. I want to do everything I can to prevent this from ever happening again. So bilateral mastectomy, which is the correct medical term for what I’m having done, here I come.
I’ve been through surgery before. When I was in 8th grade, at only 13 years old, I had my first arthroscopic knee surgery on my right knee. A few years later, in the beginning of the summer of 1999 I had arthroscopic knee surgery on my left knee. In 2014 I had my first c-section- not planned, in 2016 I had my gallbladder removed and in 2018 I had my 2nd, this time planned, c-section. So the fact that I’m having another surgery, doesn’t really bother me. Although the recovery will be a little different, right now as I’m thinking about it, I’m not at all phased by it. The unknown- that becomes the unnerving part. How much tissue has it invaded? Is it in my lymph nodes? Will they find anything else that we didn’t know about? How uncomfortable will these expanders that are being put in to hold the place for implants down the road, actually be? When will I really be able to lift my arms well again? When will I really be able to hold my 14 month old? When will I finally be able to return to somewhat of normalcy? A majority of these questions are just a wait and see kind of game and just remembering in the back of my mind that there is, thankfully, a light at the end of this tunnel and that light is getting closer and closer.
Today I was finally able to take Matthew to karate. I hadn’t been able to see him do karate since the beginning of March. I spent the rest of the day hanging out with my family. I had a water fight with Matthew, ran around with Ryan and Jason, and we had my parents with us for dinner. Tonight I rocked Ryan to sleep and I sat and played with Matthew. Tomorrow morning we are getting out as soon as the kids are up, to head to my favorite beach spot on Avon for a few hours. Soaking up every moment I can.
I have to be at the hospital at 5:30am Monday morning. My procedure is scheduled for 7:15am. Jason, my parents, and my sister will be with me. Arrangements for my kids have been made, as Matthew has camp and Ryan will be with my in-laws. I will be staying overnight on Monday at the hospital but I’m definitely pushing for Tuesday night as well, as it will be easier to rest at the hospital. Jason, my sister, and my parents will update when they can and I’m sure at some point someone will hop onto the group page and post something so you’ll all know how I’m doing once I’m out of surgery and situated and all.
Again, from as deep as my heart can go, I thank you. I thank you for all of your continued support, good wishes, and prayers. I am one lucky girl with so many people and so much to be grateful and thankful for. I appreciate everything and everyone so much.
TeamMichele is at it again...💗🙏💪🏻
I haven’t been writing much lately. There’s just been so much going on within the past few weeks, that except for the residual side effects of the chemo that I’ve learned to put up with or my weekly doctor appointments, I’ve kind of managed to put the C word to rest for a bit. Not that I couldn’t or wouldn’t talk about it, but it was nice to not have to think about it on a constant basis for a little bit.
So where have I been or what have I been up to since my chemo ended? Well, we’ve spent quality time as a family going to Sesame Place, Point Pleasant boardwalk, out to dinner together, and playing in our backyard. We’ve had friends over to our house, Jason and I have gone out on our own date nights or date days, and I’ve gone to dinner with friends. We celebrated Matthew’s 5th birthday and got to see him graduate Pre-K. I drove by myself to Haverstraw, NY to hang with my sister and my niece on the beautiful Hudson, I took Ryan to the beach, had mommy/Matthew time, and I took Ryan on his first merry go round ride. I participated in a Stomp the Monster event with my amazing, supportive family and friends to help raise money for other cancer patients and caregivers. I shopped by myself, spent time with my sister, my parents, my other close family members, my friends, and had play dates for Ryan. I also reunited with family that I hadn’t seen in quite some time. I ate foods that I hadn’t been able to tolerate in months, enjoyed some ice cream and some good wine from time to time, had some time to visit with coworkers and my class, and I finally made it to see Matthew’s last t-ball game. I’ve spent time awake all day on a Friday and have been able to stay up at night, and I’ve been functional on a Saturday and Sunday. There’s probably more, but I’m a little forgetful these days. Chemo brain is real. So, all this in a matter of 4 weeks. Do I still have pains? Yes, almost everywhere, usually all of the time. Do I still get tired easily? Always. Do I need help with the kids? Yes. But, I learned and am continuing to learn how to manage. I was told by my oncologist that for as long as I was receiving chemo treatments, it will take my body at the very least, the same amount of time if not a little longer, to return back to normal. So, I’ve been living my life and doing all of the things I haven’t been able to do in awhile, things I won’t be able to do for awhile again, and all of the things that we sometimes take for granted. Time that can never be gotten back- especially that time with my kids, my husband, and my family. Life certainly takes those unexpected turns and there’s absolutely no time to waste.
The past few months have certainly been nothing short of a rollercoaster ride with the ups and downs and twists and turns and everything and anything else in between with having stage 3 invasive ductal carcinoma breast cancer. A cancer that I found on my own with not only one tumor, but 2 tumors as I was only 7 months postpartum with our rainbow baby that we had been waiting for, for just about 3 years. It’s now been almost 7 months since the night I felt my tumors, a few days over 6 months since the day that I was given my diagnosis, and exactly 4 weeks to the day that I had my last chemo. And on this Monday, July 1st - 2 days, or as I write this, in just about 32 hours from now, I will be heading into surgery for my double mastectomy. A surgery that I’ve been waiting patiently for, for the past 6 months because all I’ve wanted since the day I was given my diagnosis was to get these cancer causing tumors and anything else related out of me and off of me. Even though the cancer is only on the left side, I’ve elected to do both. I want to do everything I can to prevent this from ever happening again. So bilateral mastectomy, which is the correct medical term for what I’m having done, here I come.
I’ve been through surgery before. When I was in 8th grade, at only 13 years old, I had my first arthroscopic knee surgery on my right knee. A few years later, in the beginning of the summer of 1999 I had arthroscopic knee surgery on my left knee. In 2014 I had my first c-section- not planned, in 2016 I had my gallbladder removed and in 2018 I had my 2nd, this time planned, c-section. So the fact that I’m having another surgery, doesn’t really bother me. Although the recovery will be a little different, right now as I’m thinking about it, I’m not at all phased by it. The unknown- that becomes the unnerving part. How much tissue has it invaded? Is it in my lymph nodes? Will they find anything else that we didn’t know about? How uncomfortable will these expanders that are being put in to hold the place for implants down the road, actually be? When will I really be able to lift my arms well again? When will I really be able to hold my 14 month old? When will I finally be able to return to somewhat of normalcy? A majority of these questions are just a wait and see kind of game and just remembering in the back of my mind that there is, thankfully, a light at the end of this tunnel and that light is getting closer and closer.
Today I was finally able to take Matthew to karate. I hadn’t been able to see him do karate since the beginning of March. I spent the rest of the day hanging out with my family. I had a water fight with Matthew, ran around with Ryan and Jason, and we had my parents with us for dinner. Tonight I rocked Ryan to sleep and I sat and played with Matthew. Tomorrow morning we are getting out as soon as the kids are up, to head to my favorite beach spot on Avon for a few hours. Soaking up every moment I can.
I have to be at the hospital at 5:30am Monday morning. My procedure is scheduled for 7:15am. Jason, my parents, and my sister will be with me. Arrangements for my kids have been made, as Matthew has camp and Ryan will be with my in-laws. I will be staying overnight on Monday at the hospital but I’m definitely pushing for Tuesday night as well, as it will be easier to rest at the hospital. Jason, my sister, and my parents will update when they can and I’m sure at some point someone will hop onto the group page and post something so you’ll all know how I’m doing once I’m out of surgery and situated and all.
Again, from as deep as my heart can go, I thank you. I thank you for all of your continued support, good wishes, and prayers. I am one lucky girl with so many people and so much to be grateful and thankful for. I appreciate everything and everyone so much.
TeamMichele is at it again...💗🙏💪🏻
Monday, June 17, 2019
Monday June 17, 2019
Yesterday marked 5 months since my chemo treatments started and it’s been almost three weeks since my chemo treatments ended. I haven’t written in awhile and I know some of you have been checking in on me and wondering how I’m doing, what’s been going on, and what’s next. I had some time tonight so I figured I’d do an update.
So how am I doing? I’m doing ok. Last week and the week before that, I kept myself pretty busy doing things that I hadn’t been able to do in quite sometime. Maybe too busy, but I was ok with that. It was refreshing to be awake and alert on a Friday night or up and out on a Saturday/Sunday morning instead of sleeping the days away. I ran and played with my boys, went for walks, saw the beach twice, among some other fun things. The most important part was just spending quality time with all of my family, friends, and all the people I love the most, as often as I could.
My chemo was over, and at the time of it ending I had 4 weeks before surgery. The first of those weeks being no cancer related things at all, except for a support group meeting. I put it out of my mind untiI needed to remember again. The second chemo free week I had support group meetings, which I love going to, and a visit with my oncologist. Here we are at my third chemo free week and we are starting back up again. Appointments Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday is my pre admission testing at the hospital because my procedure is July 1st- exactly 2 weeks from today.
As much as I wanted to put cancer out of my mind for a bit, I found it hard to do so after awhile. At night is when it would, or still does hit me. It’s not that I’m pushing myself at all, I’m just not sure of what I can handle so I try and if I’m tired or something hurts, I back down or stop completely. My sleeping is off again so I’m tired from not sleeping and just plain old tired again. 3-4 months of chemo, I was told it’s still in my body so I’ll still have side effects, though not as harsh anymore, and for as long as I received the treatments, it will take that amount of time for my body to start to become normal again. I still have bone pain, muscle aches, my fingers tingle especially after holding something in my hand for awhile, and other side effects that I’m just used to by now.
So I’m just biding my time, doing as much as my body allows, until July 1st. July 1st is my double mastectomy, lymph node testing, and expander placement.
Tomorrow I meet with my plastic surgeon to go over exactly what to expect in just 2 weeks from today. I also go back to my oncologist this Wednesday and each time I go I do bloodwork first to check all of my numbers. So let’s keep hoping my numbers stay the way they need to be so that I can go on with this procedure July 1st and get these tumors out of me!
Thanks for thinking of me, checking in on me, and continuing to support me! :)
Michele
💗💪🏻🙏
Yesterday marked 5 months since my chemo treatments started and it’s been almost three weeks since my chemo treatments ended. I haven’t written in awhile and I know some of you have been checking in on me and wondering how I’m doing, what’s been going on, and what’s next. I had some time tonight so I figured I’d do an update.
So how am I doing? I’m doing ok. Last week and the week before that, I kept myself pretty busy doing things that I hadn’t been able to do in quite sometime. Maybe too busy, but I was ok with that. It was refreshing to be awake and alert on a Friday night or up and out on a Saturday/Sunday morning instead of sleeping the days away. I ran and played with my boys, went for walks, saw the beach twice, among some other fun things. The most important part was just spending quality time with all of my family, friends, and all the people I love the most, as often as I could.
My chemo was over, and at the time of it ending I had 4 weeks before surgery. The first of those weeks being no cancer related things at all, except for a support group meeting. I put it out of my mind untiI needed to remember again. The second chemo free week I had support group meetings, which I love going to, and a visit with my oncologist. Here we are at my third chemo free week and we are starting back up again. Appointments Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday is my pre admission testing at the hospital because my procedure is July 1st- exactly 2 weeks from today.
As much as I wanted to put cancer out of my mind for a bit, I found it hard to do so after awhile. At night is when it would, or still does hit me. It’s not that I’m pushing myself at all, I’m just not sure of what I can handle so I try and if I’m tired or something hurts, I back down or stop completely. My sleeping is off again so I’m tired from not sleeping and just plain old tired again. 3-4 months of chemo, I was told it’s still in my body so I’ll still have side effects, though not as harsh anymore, and for as long as I received the treatments, it will take that amount of time for my body to start to become normal again. I still have bone pain, muscle aches, my fingers tingle especially after holding something in my hand for awhile, and other side effects that I’m just used to by now.
So I’m just biding my time, doing as much as my body allows, until July 1st. July 1st is my double mastectomy, lymph node testing, and expander placement.
Tomorrow I meet with my plastic surgeon to go over exactly what to expect in just 2 weeks from today. I also go back to my oncologist this Wednesday and each time I go I do bloodwork first to check all of my numbers. So let’s keep hoping my numbers stay the way they need to be so that I can go on with this procedure July 1st and get these tumors out of me!
Thanks for thinking of me, checking in on me, and continuing to support me! :)
Michele
💗💪🏻🙏
Wednesday, June 5, 2019
Wednesday June 5, 2019
8:30pm
It’s a Wednesday night and I just rocked my Ryan to sleep and placed him in his crib. All on my own. Something I haven’t been able to do on a Wednesday night, let alone on most nights, since January 15th. And come this July 1st, I won’t be able to do what I did tonight again for several weeks. I’m soaking up every moment, every second that I can, with a different appreciation, a different mindset, doing things I haven’t been able to do by myself in months and won’t be able to do for awhile again, in just a few short weeks.
It’s Wednesday night, it’s now 9:30pm and I’m still awake. I actually sat down to have dinner with my husband after the kids went to sleep. We ordered in, I had my favorite veggie sushi rolls and a glass of wine, and was able to have a normal conversation with Jason while we ate. I can think clearly and I’m not anxious about not feeling well for the rest of the week. What an amazing feeling.
I’ve been taking full advantage of being finished with my chemo treatments. I started taking full advantage right out of the gate- the moment I started feeling slightly ok on Saturday. That’s when I took my 30 min walk. Sunday was our big Stomp the Monster event. We were up and out early. We had fun with family and friends, I completed a 1 mile walk, and was able to sit outside and play with my kids in the backyard when we got home. Monday I took Ryan to the beach in the morning. The beach is my absolute favorite place and I decided on a whim that I needed to see it. I needed to smell my favorite beach air, see the ocean and put my feet in the sand with my baby. I went to my Avon By the Sea, yes I say my because I’ve been going to this same beach since I was about 10 years old, put Ryan in the stroller and we walked. Those of you who know my, or our beach because there’s a lot of you out here that go there or meet us there too, I walked from the pavilion all the way over the bridge to Belmar by the fishing club and then turned around and walked back. Then went on the sand and played around for a bit. The best way to spend the first Monday morning of my first chemo free week. Better if Matthew and Jason were with us, but just me and Ryan worked out just fine. Tuesday I felt ok enough to drive myself all the way up to Haverstraw, NY to visit my sister and play with my niece and drive back home again later that evening. An almost 2 hour trip each way, up the parkway, to the palisades, and back. It was a beautiful day. I had my sunroof open all along the drive, I managed traffic and those crazy parkway drivers, and walked around and sat outside overlooking the Hudson for about 2 hours while my niece napped in her stroller.
Today, a Wednesday, the first Wednesday since January 16th that I’m not seeing my oncologist and the first Wednesday in 12 weeks that I’m not sitting in a chemo chair, Jason and I celebrated this wonderful occasion by taking our two beautiful boys to Sesame Place. Tomorrow, June 6th, is Matthew’s 5th birthday and for weeks, since he knows how much his little brother loves Elmo, has been talking about how fun it would be to go to Sesame Place all together so that he and Ryan could see Elmo for both of their birthdays. Ryan just had his first birthday on April 30th. So we thought this would be the perfect day to do just that. And it was. I pushed a stroller, I actually took Matthew on some rides, we took pictures with our favorite characters, and watched the street parade. Matthew went in the wading pool and of course Ryan wanted to follow after him so Jason took them both in. Matthew wasn’t interested in watching the street parade but I knew Ryan would love it so Jason stayed with Matthew while I took Ryan over. I bought my favorite Dip N Dots, for a snack for the parade which of course we shared, I held Ryan while I danced us around in our perfect shady spot, and we watched that parade. Sesame Street was always my favorite growing up and it holds a special place in my heart so I getting to see my little Ryan’s face light up as he watched Big Bird, Elmo and his other favs dance right by him made my everything. I couldn’t get any good pictures of him watching, but the memory of what his face looked like and how he cheered for his Elmo, will be forever ingrained in my mind and that’s just perfect for me. And Matthew’s face when he was told just this very morning that he wasn’t going to school today (sorry to his teachers 😜)because we were all going to Sesame Place for an early birthday celebration, was absolutely priceless too. The time we all spent together there, not thinking about cancer or chemo, the whole day with my boys and my husband, celebrating a lot of things today, was just what I, and probably all 4 of us needed.
Tomorrow Matthew will go to school and celebrate with his friends (yes I’m sending in acceptable birthday treats 😉)and during the day I will hopefully see my friends and hang out with Ryan. Then we will all celebrate with our, omg, 5 year old. And the rest of the week and weekend and the up and coming weeks we have lots of things planned. And I’m so happy about that.
I want to do as much as I can in these next few weeks. Because even though my chemo is over, my cancer journey is not. I have 4 weeks to live as normally as I can before the next phase. The next phase- I’m going in July 1st for my surgery. A double mastectomy. At that time they will remove everything, my tumors, sample my lymph nodes, and I will be left with what are called expanders, which will hold the space for however long it needs to be held for, until I can go back in for another procedure for reconstruction. Reconstruction cannot happen at the same time as my double mastectomy because we need to wait for pathology reports to know if I’ll need radiation. If I need radiation, we start that in August and I won’t be able to have the reconstruction procedure done until 6 months after radiation is completed because we don’t want any new reconstruction radiated. If I don’t need radiation, I go back in a few weeks later to have my reconstruction. What determines if I need radiation? My pathology reports from taking my tumors and sampling lymph nodes and anything else they might find during the mastectomy procedure. Recovery time after the mastectomy procedure? I’m not even thinking about it right now but I am bracing myself and I know from talking to others that obviously from the procedure itself and from the wonderful expanders I’ll be getting, that I’ll probably be uncomfortable for quite some time. But that’s to be thought about in a few weeks from now. Not yet.
So, like I said, I’m enjoying every single moment I can right now, and I am in somewhat of a new light. This new light is a feeling I can’t quite put into words yet, but a feeling that I think that only someone who has physically and mentally gone through what I have over the course of these past few months, can relate to.
Am I tired? Yes. Do I still have some ailments? Yes. I still have bone pain at times, I’m sore today from walking so much, and I still have tingling in my hands and fingertips at times. And my strength is nowhere like it used to be. So yes my arms hurt after holding Ryan for a bit and my back is sore after 2 hours of driving but anything I’m experiencing now, I can handle because it’s nothing, absolutely nothing compared to what I’ve just experienced. I’m not overdoing it, I’m listening to my body and I’m resting when I need to, but I won’t let anything get in my way of doing anything I want to do in these next few weeks, within reason. I still won’t go to inclosed crowded public places, I still have to be careful with germs, and I’m unfortunately not allowed to go in a public pool. So I’ll take what I can get and enjoy what I can do, while I can.
The chemo did exactly what it was intended to do and thankfully shrunk my tumors so I’m now operable, but the cancer is still inside me. I love living as normally as I can for these next few weeks but am still cognizant that, as I’ve said, that my journey is not over. But as horrible as that chemo was, I’m so forever grateful that it did its job so that I’m able to enjoy more moments with my kids, my family, and everyone else right now and when this craziness is finally able to be put behind me.
Thank you all for continuing to support me and for continuing to keep me and my family in your thoughts.
💗
Michele
8:30pm
It’s a Wednesday night and I just rocked my Ryan to sleep and placed him in his crib. All on my own. Something I haven’t been able to do on a Wednesday night, let alone on most nights, since January 15th. And come this July 1st, I won’t be able to do what I did tonight again for several weeks. I’m soaking up every moment, every second that I can, with a different appreciation, a different mindset, doing things I haven’t been able to do by myself in months and won’t be able to do for awhile again, in just a few short weeks.
It’s Wednesday night, it’s now 9:30pm and I’m still awake. I actually sat down to have dinner with my husband after the kids went to sleep. We ordered in, I had my favorite veggie sushi rolls and a glass of wine, and was able to have a normal conversation with Jason while we ate. I can think clearly and I’m not anxious about not feeling well for the rest of the week. What an amazing feeling.
I’ve been taking full advantage of being finished with my chemo treatments. I started taking full advantage right out of the gate- the moment I started feeling slightly ok on Saturday. That’s when I took my 30 min walk. Sunday was our big Stomp the Monster event. We were up and out early. We had fun with family and friends, I completed a 1 mile walk, and was able to sit outside and play with my kids in the backyard when we got home. Monday I took Ryan to the beach in the morning. The beach is my absolute favorite place and I decided on a whim that I needed to see it. I needed to smell my favorite beach air, see the ocean and put my feet in the sand with my baby. I went to my Avon By the Sea, yes I say my because I’ve been going to this same beach since I was about 10 years old, put Ryan in the stroller and we walked. Those of you who know my, or our beach because there’s a lot of you out here that go there or meet us there too, I walked from the pavilion all the way over the bridge to Belmar by the fishing club and then turned around and walked back. Then went on the sand and played around for a bit. The best way to spend the first Monday morning of my first chemo free week. Better if Matthew and Jason were with us, but just me and Ryan worked out just fine. Tuesday I felt ok enough to drive myself all the way up to Haverstraw, NY to visit my sister and play with my niece and drive back home again later that evening. An almost 2 hour trip each way, up the parkway, to the palisades, and back. It was a beautiful day. I had my sunroof open all along the drive, I managed traffic and those crazy parkway drivers, and walked around and sat outside overlooking the Hudson for about 2 hours while my niece napped in her stroller.
Today, a Wednesday, the first Wednesday since January 16th that I’m not seeing my oncologist and the first Wednesday in 12 weeks that I’m not sitting in a chemo chair, Jason and I celebrated this wonderful occasion by taking our two beautiful boys to Sesame Place. Tomorrow, June 6th, is Matthew’s 5th birthday and for weeks, since he knows how much his little brother loves Elmo, has been talking about how fun it would be to go to Sesame Place all together so that he and Ryan could see Elmo for both of their birthdays. Ryan just had his first birthday on April 30th. So we thought this would be the perfect day to do just that. And it was. I pushed a stroller, I actually took Matthew on some rides, we took pictures with our favorite characters, and watched the street parade. Matthew went in the wading pool and of course Ryan wanted to follow after him so Jason took them both in. Matthew wasn’t interested in watching the street parade but I knew Ryan would love it so Jason stayed with Matthew while I took Ryan over. I bought my favorite Dip N Dots, for a snack for the parade which of course we shared, I held Ryan while I danced us around in our perfect shady spot, and we watched that parade. Sesame Street was always my favorite growing up and it holds a special place in my heart so I getting to see my little Ryan’s face light up as he watched Big Bird, Elmo and his other favs dance right by him made my everything. I couldn’t get any good pictures of him watching, but the memory of what his face looked like and how he cheered for his Elmo, will be forever ingrained in my mind and that’s just perfect for me. And Matthew’s face when he was told just this very morning that he wasn’t going to school today (sorry to his teachers 😜)because we were all going to Sesame Place for an early birthday celebration, was absolutely priceless too. The time we all spent together there, not thinking about cancer or chemo, the whole day with my boys and my husband, celebrating a lot of things today, was just what I, and probably all 4 of us needed.
Tomorrow Matthew will go to school and celebrate with his friends (yes I’m sending in acceptable birthday treats 😉)and during the day I will hopefully see my friends and hang out with Ryan. Then we will all celebrate with our, omg, 5 year old. And the rest of the week and weekend and the up and coming weeks we have lots of things planned. And I’m so happy about that.
I want to do as much as I can in these next few weeks. Because even though my chemo is over, my cancer journey is not. I have 4 weeks to live as normally as I can before the next phase. The next phase- I’m going in July 1st for my surgery. A double mastectomy. At that time they will remove everything, my tumors, sample my lymph nodes, and I will be left with what are called expanders, which will hold the space for however long it needs to be held for, until I can go back in for another procedure for reconstruction. Reconstruction cannot happen at the same time as my double mastectomy because we need to wait for pathology reports to know if I’ll need radiation. If I need radiation, we start that in August and I won’t be able to have the reconstruction procedure done until 6 months after radiation is completed because we don’t want any new reconstruction radiated. If I don’t need radiation, I go back in a few weeks later to have my reconstruction. What determines if I need radiation? My pathology reports from taking my tumors and sampling lymph nodes and anything else they might find during the mastectomy procedure. Recovery time after the mastectomy procedure? I’m not even thinking about it right now but I am bracing myself and I know from talking to others that obviously from the procedure itself and from the wonderful expanders I’ll be getting, that I’ll probably be uncomfortable for quite some time. But that’s to be thought about in a few weeks from now. Not yet.
So, like I said, I’m enjoying every single moment I can right now, and I am in somewhat of a new light. This new light is a feeling I can’t quite put into words yet, but a feeling that I think that only someone who has physically and mentally gone through what I have over the course of these past few months, can relate to.
Am I tired? Yes. Do I still have some ailments? Yes. I still have bone pain at times, I’m sore today from walking so much, and I still have tingling in my hands and fingertips at times. And my strength is nowhere like it used to be. So yes my arms hurt after holding Ryan for a bit and my back is sore after 2 hours of driving but anything I’m experiencing now, I can handle because it’s nothing, absolutely nothing compared to what I’ve just experienced. I’m not overdoing it, I’m listening to my body and I’m resting when I need to, but I won’t let anything get in my way of doing anything I want to do in these next few weeks, within reason. I still won’t go to inclosed crowded public places, I still have to be careful with germs, and I’m unfortunately not allowed to go in a public pool. So I’ll take what I can get and enjoy what I can do, while I can.
The chemo did exactly what it was intended to do and thankfully shrunk my tumors so I’m now operable, but the cancer is still inside me. I love living as normally as I can for these next few weeks but am still cognizant that, as I’ve said, that my journey is not over. But as horrible as that chemo was, I’m so forever grateful that it did its job so that I’m able to enjoy more moments with my kids, my family, and everyone else right now and when this craziness is finally able to be put behind me.
Thank you all for continuing to support me and for continuing to keep me and my family in your thoughts.
💗
Michele
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