Thoughts For The Day

August 3, 2020

So much to say... where to begin? 

I’m just going to start writing and see where this goes... that’s actually how I do my best writing. No thinking... it just flows.... 😊

By now most of you hopefully have seen (and checked out) that I not only have this blog, but I’ve started up a new one! I always have so many ideas floating around in this head of mine and over the years I’ve come to realize that one of the better ways for me to put everything together, one of the most effective ways for me to process anything, is to write. And sometimes I share. I don’t always share, but most of the time I like to. I feel proud of what I write and what I’ve been able accomplish....I beat stage 3 breast cancer.  

I don’t write for pity or to brag or to call attention to myself or what I’ve been through or for praise. I write because I know that there are others out there who have been in my shoes. Or might one day be in shoes like mine. Not only with in regards to cancer or breast cancer, but with any challenging life or death, fight or flight situations that I’ve come to know so well. Hard times, like even these times we are facing right now. 

I know what it’s like to feel like I can’t connect with others on a level that I need. I know what it’s like to have to look fear in the face and say nope, not me. Not ever me - and fight with everything I’ve got in me, while my body falls apart at the same time. I know what it’s like to go through something like this with 2 young children - one a baby non the less, being in my 30’s, only married for close to 10 years, having to make choices - for myself, for my kids, for my family - choices you never ever thought you’d ever have to make, let alone at an age that I, that we had to. I know what it’s like to see people my age - running around with their kids, raising babies and young children, working, exercising, going on vacations, talking about things they’ve been able to do, places they could visit, seeing friends, doing everything that I should’ve been doing - while my life was focused on one thing, and one thing alone.... not dying. And my kids of course, but not dying was it. Focused on this not only for just for a few days, not for a few weeks or even a few months... we are going on over a year and a half now. I know what it’s like to be on preventative medication after active treatment is over. And I know what it’s like to live in fear of all of this happening again. 

I know what it’s like to have to sit alone or be alone while the rest of the world keeps going.  I know what it’s like to randomly find something beneath your skin and immediately start to panic. I know what it’s like to be 30 something years old and have to see your parents faces when you tell them you might have cancer and their faces again when they hear it for themselves with the countless doctors visits we had. I know what it’s like to have to all of a sudden take 10+ pills a day. I know what it’s like to not be able to leave your bed or your house for days at a time. Every week. I know what it’s like to look at a significant other and know that everything that we are supposed to be sharing in together, is going to fall on his shoulders because I won’t be able to do my part for awhile. And that’s ok because that’s what a marriage is supposed to be like.. you pick up for what the other person can’t do.. but we know what it’s like to do this at a young age with two young kids at home, a 7 month old baby and a 4 year old, with me - their mom that once was active and busy and could do anything with them, now suddenly can’t do a thing. Is losing her hair. Is losing her strength. Is in bed a lot or in pain. And I know what it’s like to have to tell your 4 year old that his mommy has a boo boo and has to take special medicine and her hair is going to fall out, and although he doesn’t really understand the magnitude of what is really about to happen (thank g-d), his world is really about to change and at the same time we have to try to keep his life from missing a beat. And hoping with everything we have in us, that his life doesn’t have to change for the worse. I know what it’s like to have to hide in a bathroom to collect myself so my children don’t have to see me suffering. And that while I just spoke about, we don’t know how long that while will actually be.  I know what it’s like to sit in an infusion chair and receive chemotherapy- one of which is called the red devil. My cancer friends all know what that is. My cancer friends. I know what’s like to have a community of friends who have or have had cancer. I know what it’s like to talk about cancer related topics. I’m so grateful for this new community of friends that I have to talk to. I know what it’s like to have your friends and family and friends of family rally around you and help. I know what it’s like to make surgical choices and research medical terminology to understand and be knowledgeable enough to be able to make informed decisions. I know what it’s like to be so confused and not know how to make a decision. A decision that could be life or death. I know what it’s like to have PTSD and trauma therapy because of something that tried to kill me. I know what it’s like to have every single part of your body ache at the same time for days. I know what it’s like to not be able to see straight. I know what it’s like to have to remain positive and be strong, but all the while want to crawl up and just be. I know what it’s like to be tattooed for radiation. I know what it’s like to be stared at, poked, and prodded by doctors and nurses. I know what it’s like to lay under a radiation machine. I also know what it’s like to have to remove 2 body parts. And I know what it’s like to have to recover. I also know what it’s like to be in recovery and to still have lingering side effects that we aren’t sure will ever really subside. 

I know what it’s like to have to recover not only physically, but mentally and emotionally and not know how. I know how to reach out for help. And I now know myself from the inside more than I ever thought I did before. I now know what all of this is like. 

I know what all of this, and even more that I haven’t mentioned, is like and because of that, I write. And I share. Not because I need attention, not because I need everyone to know about my journey or because I need pity. None of that. I write and I share because I know what all of this is like and I want to be able to help someone else. Navigating tough times is hard. We all know that right now. I never want anyone to have to go through what I went through, but if they do, I want to be someone that that person can come to... not because I know everything because I absolutely don’t, but because I’ve been there. I know what it’s like and I can help. 

I know this quarantine time is hard.... so many choices that could be life or death. Do I see people, or do I not? Do I send my kids to school, or do I not? Do I go out to eat or do I not? Do I have people over my house or do I not? For me, these decisions haven’t been so tough. Since this whole pandemic started I’ve, or we’ve (as in my husband and I) have chosen the not in just about every situation. It’s not hard for me to stay home or stay in just my backyard or to not see people or do whatever it is or to not do whatever it is. And when people ask my how or why, my answer is easy. Because I’ve done this already. I couldn’t see people because of germs. I couldn’t go into populated places or be with anyone who had a little cold. If my kids were sick with a cold or a fever or whatever they had, I had to quarantine myself. I couldn’t go near them for days because my immune system was already compromised. So living like this now, this is easy because this time - I’m not cooped up in my bed. I can play with my kids. I can sit outside in my yard and I can think and see straight. I can enjoy life just sitting here, in my house, with my kids. And for me that’s enough. And the great thing - since my parents and my in-laws are abiding by the same precautions as we are, we’ve been able to “merge our bubbles” and see each other and I’m so thankful for that because not only can I still see my parents and my husband can still see his parents, but our kids can continue to see their grandparents. And if g-d forbid if anyone of us is in a situation where we need help, we all know that we have been safe and can help each other out without a worry. 

I’ve kind of strayed from the beginning of this post, but it’s all relative. If we all want to live and we want to be able to see our families, we have to do everything that we can to ensure that we are safe. Yes everyone has to do “what’s best for their families”, but right now I just don’t understand why “what’s best for their families” isn’t still staying home or at least following the social distancing regulations. 

I get it. You’re tired of it all, right? Well remember all I spoke about above?  I was tired of it all too when I had to do it to fight for my life. But I did it because I didn’t want to die. And now we do what we are supposed to do because we don’t want anyone close to us to get sick and possibly die. The more people you let into your bubble, your chances of getting this goes up - especially if you aren’t safe about it.  I know everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but why risk anyone’s health? 

I don’t want to see more people sick and dying. I already fought for my life and am still fighting every day. I’m not ready to have to do it again so soon. Are you ready to fight for yours or see someone you love fight for theirs? 

And yes, I know kids need socialization- but if you can’t do it safely, is it worth it? To me and my husband it’s not, but again that’s just us. We’d love to have fun. We’d love to see our friends and have play dates for our kids... but right now, being able to keep healthy and seeing our family that have been safe too, to us is most important. Everything else can wait. 

That’s all for now. Be safe everyone. 

And as always, feel free to reach out with thoughts or comments. 💗

July 24, 2020

Today is going to be a low key day. It’s the day after my monthly oncologist follow up appointment and all is good, but I get an injection each time I go, and I always know the day after I need to take it easy.  The side effects from the injection are nothing like what chemo side effects were like, but the injection still brings a whole host of their own. Headaches, fatigue, muscle cramping, bone pain, stomach uneasiness, extreme hot flashes, just to name a few. So today I rest.

But it’s ok because I think it’s also a sign that although I’ve come so far throughout the past few weeks, maybe I’m not ready to push myself as hard. I need to slow down.  Which can be a hard pill to swallow because I’m doing so well. I’ve lost weight, I can run again... but in the middle of the day I burn out. I crash and hit a wall and that can’t be good for me either.  I have to find a balance.

July 1, 2020 was my goal. Get to this date, one year after my bilateral mastectomy, and let’s start getting my body back. I had good intentions, and although I’ve lost weight and inches and I’m super proud of myself, I started out to hard. Now I have to dial back, which is ok, but it’s all  a mind game because I WANT to be able to exercise the way I want and I want to be able to move the way I want and use my body the way I want. But I still can’t. I’m not even 40 yet and I’m going through a medically induced menopause and due to that I have all the side effects that come with that as well. To all the men out there, I’m sorry that I can’t express how awful these side effects can be sometimes, but to all the women out there who know.....  it’s rough, right??  And couple that with all the treatments and surgeries I’ve had, not to mention the extreme up and down with hormones, from not being pregnant to pregnant and then to Ryan being born and then breast cancer to now my hormones completely shut off..my body has been through hell and still is!! And then my mind goes back to this isn’t supposed to be happening to me. But then again none of this was supposed to be happening to me. There’s nothing that’s supposed to be happening to anyone. I was just dealt an, excuse my language, a pretty shitty hand of cards. But I just have to keep reminding myself of where I was a year ago and how far I’ve come. Sometimes it’s not easy to realize that.

So I’ll use today to just rest and be and I’ll take the time I need to be ok physically and mentally, but I’ll be honest with all of you out there.... some days, actually most days, are still a struggle for me.. mentally, emotionally and physically. One day when I feel up to it I’ll write about all of the PTSD and trauma effects I now have and how my medical team has been working with me, but I’m not ready yet.

Sometimes I write and blog now and I don’t really know what my point it lol. I guess I just felt like getting it all out there. And just to share more about this because my journey isn’t over. So I guess what want I want to say now is that I’m still working really hard over here and your support and encouragement really still means the world.  I know I’m getting better but I have to remember to listen to my body and that I’m still a work in progress, but I’ve come so far and next year at this time when I look back I can remember how far I’ve come. This is still going to take more time for me. And I have to learn to be ok with that. 💖

Cancer.

A word that most people don’t like to talk about. Because behind the word, comes a whole host of scariness. It’s a word that brings  fear, darkness, and sometimes death. And to some, it’s a word that also brings hope, determination, and strength.  Cancer. It’s like a storm. A tornado that comes to wreck everything in its path. You seek shelter to try to escape it, you do everything possible to try to survive it, but ultimately its own force decides what it will do. This storm takes everything from those it seeks to destroy. And the ones who are lucky enough to survive it, are left battered and broken, and in the end have to rise up to be able to fight and find their way back. That’s cancer. And when those people who’s lives have been shattered from this tornado are able to start picking up the pieces, they know they will have a long way to go until they can rebuild. Their inner strength and the will to live and come back stronger and not let this tornado, that they were so lucky enough to survive, ruin their lives anymore are their driving force. Their spouses, their children, their parents, their siblings and friends and everyone within their circle come together to help rebuild. But the rebuilding doesn’t happen over night. It might not happen over a few months.  It might even take a few years, depending on how much this storm took from you. During the rebuilding process, there are other things to be taken into consideration as well. Not only the physical strain that this storm put on you, but the mental and emotional toll it takes as well. And once you rebuild and are standing once again, the physical ailments, the mental and emotional part, really never ever leaves you. You went through a tragedy. A trauma. Something that is so very hard to come back from. Because even though you might be ok now, those memories always remain. The triggers, the flashbacks, the brain memory, muscle memory, the emotional impact this storm had on you and everyone around you. You are now on the other side of this storm, but there’s still a lot to deal with inside you. Overtime, maybe they start to fade and the memories and triggers will happen less often, but the fear you now live with of it happening again, is something that you struggle to overcome. Picking up these pieces, that I was lucky enough to be able to pick up, took everything I had in me. And if I had to do it again, I’d do it all the same way to ensure that I survived this. But sometimes surviving the storm is by chance. And I’m not ready to do it again and I’m not prepared for the alternative. No one ever is, but how many can say they saw the face of evil first hand and know what it looks like and know that it is something that can happen again? The thing that differs between a tornado and cancer? Well, maybe that depending on where you live, if you live in an area that is prone to these storms maybe you can relocate.  Find a safer place to live. Maybe you can find better material to rebuild your house with if you can’t relocate. Cancer - you cant move out of its path. Cancer isn’t something we can run, hide, or seek shelter from. It’s something that can happen again no matter how hard we try to keep it away. It’s something we have to learn to live with - the mental, emotional and physical toll it takes on our entire being and the fear that it can come back at anytime. The everyday pain we live with from our treatments and surgeries are always constant reminders of the battle we once fought within our own bodies. Our own bodies tried to kill us.

I’m lucky enough to have been able to survive the storm and I’m so grateful to be almost on the other side of it now. But everyday I’m still continuing to pick up the pieces. I think I will be for a long time to come. And I just have to keep my head up and pray every day that another one doesn’t come. 💗

Tuesday June 22, 2020

Our eyes. Our eyes are pretty remarkable. They allow us to use this amazing sense some of us are lucky to have, to take in everything around us by sight. But not only are our eyes amazing for sight, they can be so much more. Have you ever looked a person in the eyes and knew what they were thinking at that exact moment? Like their eyes become a window into their minds? It’s just amazing these days with everyone’s faces covered up by masks, we are seeing everyone’s eyes so much more.  Not that we weren’t seeing their eyes before, but that’s all we have on someone’s face to see.  Sure, we look our loved ones in the eyes or friends when we talk, but how often have you been in a store or met someone new and paid attention to what their eyes are saying? I’m not sure I ever really have. And I know you can sense someone smiling, or maybe fuming, behind the mask they have on but if you pay attention to a person’s eyes, that’s where it’s at. Something amazing happened today. I saw someone’s emotions, a total stranger’s emotions through their eyes. And it was about me and my cancer journey and this person’s eyes just said a million words.

This afternoon I’m sitting in an exam room at my plastic surgeon’s office just waiting for a follow up exam and the nurse comes in and we started chatting. Before the doctor comes in, this nurse informs me that there is a new intern that just started in their practice, she’s 19 years old, interested in cancer care, and asks me if it would be ok if this intern were to come in with my doctor. She was following all Covid-19 protocols and wearing a mask as well so I said of course. With my experience this past year and a half, I’m an open book and in my opinion, this world always needs more people who want to go into the “cancer care” field.

So, in they walk and my doctor greets me as usual and then introduces their intern. I was told that this intern was briefed a bit on my story and background. That was great for me because I didn’t have to go into detail about my journey right then and I could answer any questions she had. My doctor examines me and explains a few things about my skin and how the radiated side looks different from the non radiated side. My doctor goes over a few self care things I need to do at home to help with my wound healing and asks this intern if she had any questions. She said no. But she kept looking at me. Looking at me kindly. All I could see were her eyes. And as she looked at me, I looked at her... this young 19 year old girl, and reiterated that I am an open book and she could ask me anything. She kindly continued to look at me, said no she had no questions and in that brief 20 or so seconds, her eyes seemed to say everything she was thinking in that moment. If her eyes could speak, to me they said sorry, wow, you are brave,  I can’t believe what you’ve had to go through, and so much more- all at the same time. And not that I need anyone to say those things to me, it was just nice and from a complete stranger. I know wearing these masks are a hard thing to get used to, but I’ve been doing it since this all started back in March because had to keep all my doctor appointments. Life of a cancer patient, even a “free of disease” one, still goes on even when the world stops.

So the next time you wear a mask out and you have a conversation with someone else wearing a mask, pay attention to their eyes. It opens up a whole new way of communicating. 😊

Wednesday June 3, 2020

A lot of time has passed.  I have so much to say, but where to start...

Since I’ve last written we’ve all been through quite a ride with the pandemic and being quarantined and now with the riots and the world seeming like it’s falling apart.  So much sadness in the world right now but with all that’s going wrong, there’s still so much to be grateful for, thankful for, and hopeful for.  At least to me there is.

When this quarantine first started, I was still recovering from chemo, surgery, radiation, the whole body physical limitations and ailments I had, and the emotional and mental toll that my journey with breast cancer had taken on me. All the while, still being as present as I could for my kids. Matthew was nearing the final stretch of his kindergarten year, Ryan was just enrolled in daycare a few days a week, and I was finally, finally, going to have quiet rest days again. Complete rest days and me days. Days to go to more doctors and to take care of myself so that I could heal. Then the pandemic started and the world stopped. And we were all home. So this time once again, wasn’t about me anymore and what I needed. It was about transitioning and getting everyone used to what was going to be our new normal for an unknown amount of time. The hard part - our family had already been through so much so making sure our kids, especially Matthew, were ok, mentally and emotionally from this huge change was of the utmost importance. So with all my physical limitations and ailments and all the PT I was doing and all the psychological work I was doing, had to be put on hold for a bit and I had to once again learn to move forward. So we began remote learning. Matthew had a hard time transitioning, as expected. So we had a lot on our hands with me, with Matthew, with Ryan home - making sure he was getting the interaction and playing he needed for his development, and Jason now being home too. And we have no help because no one can come into our home. And we can’t go into anyone else’s home. And we had to figure out food delivery and curbside because Jason and I wouldn’t dare go into a store, and still won’t. All I can say is thank goodness for all my years of acquiring effective classroom management skills and all my years of working with toddlers, where I was able to get Matthew  and Ryan accustomed to our new routines, while transforming our kitchen into a classroom complete with a word wall with his sight words and all the visual aids he’d need, along with all of the visual aids Ryan could use to help him with his vocabulary. Getting our family used to this new lifestyle was no easy task, as I’m sure everyone can relate, but for us it was a lot.

For me, staying home though, was the easy part. Because that’s what I had been doing. For over a year I had to be very careful with who I came into contact with. I couldn’t kiss or hug anyone. I had hand sanitizer with me. I didn’t go to crowded places or places where I could possibly come into contact with germs. I had to stay away from my kids for days at a time - especially when they were sick. I had to quarantine myself away from them and my husband. So staying home... this was easy for me. So I was able to help ease the rest of my family into it. The hard part was not being able to know when I could continue with what I needed myself to continue to heal and when I’d ever be able to go forward with the surgeries that I still needed. But I was used to waiting so what was a little while longer, right? I could do it. I had no choice.

Throughout my entire cancer journey, the part that came to reconstruction was always a very hard thing for me to decide upon. I had months of research and talking to others that had every option I had done and appointments with plastic surgeons, but it was still a very hard thing for me to figure out. I had 3 options and nothing seemed appealing to me. I didn’t want to have a foreign object placed in me (implants) for the risk of all the complications that can come from them. There was already a type of implant that was founded to cause another type of cancer and although that type was removed and is no longer being used, who’s to say that whatever was placed in me wouldn’t result in that down the line? Or I could get another infection as I did with the expanders. Or I could be fine. I just wasn’t sure after everything I’d been through if that was a risk I’d be willing to take. And after 10 years they need to be replaced. I’m not even 40 yet. I don’t want to have to have surgery for replacements every 10 years. Then there are other ways to reconstruct with using muscle and fat from different parts of your body, mostly the stomach area which seems pretty appealing because it’s like you are getting a tummy tuck at the same time, but the recovery  and the amount of recovery time.... listen... I’ve recovered from 2 c-sections and I’ve also recovered from a double mastectomy. I know what the recovery entails for both and I CANNOT imagine recovering from both at the same time. Which is pretty much what it would feel like. No way. Not for me.  And to me, we don’t have extra muscles to move around. Our muscles are in place where they are for a reason. I don’t want to move muscle and tissue around. So the only other option, was to go flat. And I’ll never forget the day back in February when I made that decision. I was so excited that I had made this decision, that I couldn’t just call them - I had to drive over to my parents house just to tell them. I felt so clear and so free - like a weight had been lifted and I could breathe and think clearer. And then my surgery date was set for May and I was all ready. And then this pandemic happened and I wasn’t sure when I was going to be able to go through with this. I had been uncomfortable for so long, I just wanted this over with and the thought of it not being able to happen or not knowing when it would happen was so frustrating.

In the beginning of May I developed some new ailments that I needed to have scans done for. Areas in my body that weren’t hurting before, began to hurt a lot and we weren’t sure what was going on. I wasn’t meaning to jump to any conclusions, but someone like me would automatically go there. So needless to say it was pretty nerve wracking. Came to the conclusion, after scans, that I had fluid buildup around my expander and that could be contributing to my discomfort. Of course we were relieved to find out that it was nothing worse, but we all agreed - surgeons and oncologist, myself, my husband and my family - that it was time for this expander to come out. So as soon as we were given the green light for all non essential surgical procedures to resume, it was go time. Although my surgery was considered non essential, it was in fact very essential to me lol. So we were doing this. I was doing this. I couldn’t wait. I could taste and feel the sense of relief I was going to feel as soon as this procedure was over with. I was going to feel free. This was going to be my closure. I could finally be done. This thing in me could finally come out and that’s the end of this and then I could really heal and recover. This was my true light at the end of the tunnel.

So this past Monday, 6/1/2020, I went into my plastic surgeons practice and had my expander taken out and I was closed up. It didn’t have to be done in a hospital because my plastic surgeon has his own OR in his practice. So now on both sides I have nothing there and I’ve never been happier with a decision I’ve made. Something that caused me to be very sick, something that was life threatening, something that caused not only me but my family so much heartache and pain, now it’s over. And I don’t have to worry as much as if I had something placed in me or had a more invasive procedure.

Today I was able to take bandages off and was able to get a good look at what my surgeon did and I can honestly say all those freeing feelings I thought I’d feel - they were there and more. I was overwhelmed by thankfulness and gratitude and peace. This is where my life can start to get back on track. I’ll finally be able to move my arms again and bend again and eventually I’ll be able to walk for longer and play with my kids for longer and not feel like my body is falling apart. This is where I start to heal and my life gets to start returning back to what is normal for me and my husband and my kids. I still have one more surgical procedure to go through but later on in the summer most likely.

I have to say though - my kids, they are the absolute greatest. My Matthew is so kind and helps out so much. He offers to get things for me and wants to bring me water and asks to make me fruit salad. When I’m sleeping on the couch during the day he comes into the room to check on me. And my Ryan is the cutest. He climbs up on the couch next to me and leans on me and sits with me. He kisses my arm where he thinks mommy’s boo boo is and they both just melt my heart. The best is when I wake up from a nap or in the morning and I hear them laughing and playing together. It fills my soul. The silver lining to this time under quarantine.... my boys are playing more together and interacting more together and it’s exactly the way it should be.

So at a time where our world is falling apart and there’s so much sadness, I have found my happy and can be at peace with myself and I can be on the mend to feeling better. And I hope and pray that others can find their way as well.

Stay safe everyone.
#teammicheleforever
💪🏻💗🙏

Wednesday March 18, 2020

This wasn’t supposed to be getting harder. I already did the hard stuff. Right now I was supposed to be trying to get back to some kind of normalcy. Instead I’m staring at the same walls for who knows how long....

A year ago at this time, for me the world was a scary place. I was fighting for my life. I hate to use this phrase but it’s the g-d awful truth, I was merely trying not to die.

It’s been determined that I have a very high case of PTSD and one of the normal/common side effects of PTSD is feeling like the world is still unsafe, under normal conditions. Now the work is REALLY unsafe, as we social distance ourselves and self quarantine ourselves. Imagine how that plays out in my mind, body, and soul. Now I have to really practice mindfulness and my breathing techniques. As long as I’m in my house with my family, and we don’t go anywhere I’m fine. Thank goodness these kids of mine don’t have to go anywhere and Jason can work from home. But then we still have the people out there that still aren’t taking this seriously and so it’s like never ending. If you are someone who isn’t taking social distancing seriously, I have one question for you.... WHY???

Just like cancer, COVID-19 doesn’t discriminate and is deadly. Just like cancer, it may not be deadly for everyone who contracts this awful sickness, but it’s showing a huge amount of death tolls everyday. And for someone who may be still be immunocompromised, it’s even scarier. I didn’t fight for my life with cancer to worry about dying from a different sickness.. at least one that has no cure. One that there’s no specific medicine or vaccine for. At least with cancer it’s something that isn’t spreadable airborne. If And at least with cancer, there are treatments.  I think I have more anxiety now with this going on than I did when I was first diagnosed with cancer, and I didn’t think that was even possible.

So these days we are in our home, homeschooling, playing, waving to friends on our driveway from feet apart.  We are video conferencing with friends and FaceTiming with family. Sometimes my kids start to lose it, sometimes we as parents start to lose it, but eventually this will end and because we stayed away and took this seriously, we will be ok. But this is extremely hard. And we didn’t think life for us could get any harder.

But here’s where the positivity comes into play. Instead of focusing on what we can’t do, focus on what we can do. We can spend more time with our families. We can cuddle more with our kids. We can use our imaginations and all of the online resources to make this a fun time for kids, not a traumatic time for kids. Turn off the news during the day. It will still be there at night. I have apps that I get push notifications for if there’s breaking news. That’s enough for me and then later on when the kids are asleep, I take a bit and catch up. If you don’t have kids, use this as a time to take up a hobby that you always wanted to do. Or practice your skills. Lots of museums are offering free virtual tours for kids. Join in on some. Not being able to have social gatherings, birthday celebrations, sporting games, and maybe even a wedding can be super frustrating and saddening. But at times like these you have to focus on THE MOST important things- you are alive, hopefully you are well, you have a roof over your head, and thankfully there is technology to help us socialize with others.

Just like cancer, I was learning to live in a new norm, we all have to do the same for awhile. This is our new norm and as long as you take precautions and are well, be happy that you are. If you have very little kids, be very happy you don’t have to homeschool them yet! It’s hard!!

I wouldn’t recommend bashing people that are having a hard time with any of this. Judgement doesn’t help. Maybe parents are having a hard time teaching because this isn’t their field of expertise but if I were asked to do your job and I had no clue what I was doing, you’d bet I’d feel overwhelmed and discouraged. And when teachers teach in the classroom, we may have to teach to 20-30 kids, but we don’t have little toddlers or babies to care for at the same time. We have the tools and the classroom management skills to reign in our students. And don’t forget, our kids are disappointed right now too. Our young ones have to adapt to a whole new way of learning. Without an actual classroom, without friends, with possible external distractions like younger siblings running around which might not be stoppable at certain times. They have to get used to all of this too. And teachers have never done this before so it’s all trial and error for everyone. This is uncharted territory for EVERYONE.

So let’s try to uplift, rather than bash or laugh at others who are struggling. Let’s help and support one another during these trying times. We are all trying to do our best to stay afloat in this crazy world. And for those of us, like me, who thought the struggling was over, are thrown right back into it again.

Kindness, support, strength, love, prayer for those who need it. That’s what we all should be doing. Don’t stress over the small stuff and if you need help, reach out. Make things work for you. Learn to adapt however you can and if you can’t get schoolwork done in a day, it’s ok. Family time is super important too and these kids need us at our best. This shouldn’t be traumatic for them. They act how we act. So try to find the good and relax. Make this fun. A new learning experience for everyone.

If we do what’s necessary now and hunker down, we all can have that many more happy times outside the home in the near future. 💗

Wednesday February 26, 2020

It’s been awhile since I’ve been able to write. I’ve wanted to write... I knew exactly what I wanted to write about... but I just couldn’t get it out.  Not sure what changed tonight that I decided I was able to get it out now, but I’ll take it because these days I’m still all over the place. Why? Because I’m still living with the aftermath of everything I’ve been through.

One of the hardest parts of going through breast cancer is actually the aftermath. The part that no one talks about because when it’s over and done, it’s over and done. You put it behind you and move on. For some, that’s doable and for most it’s what’s been done. For me, and there’s proven research to show, and for a majority of people my age who survived breast cancer, we can’t do that. We can’t brush it under a rug and say “well it’s over now so let’s get on with it” because every single day is a constant reminder of what went on just a few months ago. I’m learning little by little that during a traumatic event, even if the brain doesn’t recall something, the body does. Our bodies remember things more than we know. When our bodies remember, that sends signals to the brain and there’s a trigger. I have lots of triggers. Feelings, tastes, smells, seeing something, being in a place where something took place or something reminds me of my traumatic event. Writing. Writing became a trigger because from the very beginning of all of this I always wrote. Then comes the avoidance of these things that cause triggers. So goodbye writing.

Then your instincts are off, you are off, your whole body is off - from your head to your toes. Nothing is the same way it was before. And then you are told that this is the new you. This is your new life now. This is your new normal.  But I don’t want this to be me. I’m 39 years old and I cannot live the rest of my life feeling like this. So off I went to more doctors and I’m so glad I did. I’m learning that it’s ok and it’s normal for me to feel this way and low and behold, it can be...temporary!!

So hello PTSD and hello therapy. Hello lymphadema and hello physical therapy. Both twice a week. Hello doctors that CAN help me. Hello medications that can try to help me feel better, for now until I can undergo more surgical procedures to help me in the long run. There IS a way out of this and this doesn’t have to entirely be my new normal.

From day 1 I’ve been my own advocate. I won’t stop fighting for what I feel is right when it comes to my own health and I won’t stop researching and learning. There’s no price tag on health. And as I sit here holding my almost 2 year old boy and before I snuggled with my more than halfway to 6 year old boy, I am just so grateful I am the way I am... that I fight and I don’t give up when I believe in something, especially when it comes to health.

So it may seem like I’m ok - I’m out doing things and having some fun. And I used to feel guilty about that. Until I came to terms with realizing that for the hell I’ve been through and the craziness that I’m continuing to go through now, I deserve it. I rest when I need to, I get up when I can and I try to live as normally as possible. But I have restrictions and things that I cannot do. My upper body strength is gone, I have limited mobility, and I’m still fighting through fatigue. I sure am done with treatments, I’ve survived the worst. But that’s not the case. Don’t get me wrong- the treatments I went through were indescribable, but you go through the motions and you don’t have time to actually think or process anything. Fight or flight. It’s survival mode. Then it’s all over and you have to pick up the pieces and put yourself back together. And that part takes time. Especially with the limited amount of mobility and the limited amount of energy you do have, that time is devoted to two little ones. There’s not much time left to put ourselves back together.

So I’m here....Still fighting...Still going strong, as I always did and will continue to do. But this part isn’t easy either because now it’s not only the physical pain I’m in all the time, it’s the mental struggle as well. I have found the right doctors to help me with this part though and I have made myself the time to get what I need done. I still have more doctors to see, more procedures to be done, and more important decisions to be made. But I have the help I need and the support I need and I’ll be ok. I haven’t reached that light at the end of the tunnel yet, but I’m pushing through and I’ll get there. It will just take some more time. And I’m ok with that. Whatever it takes for me to be whole body healthy.

Just figured I’d send out an update.
💗💪🏻🙏

January 27, 2020

Live, Love, Laugh....

Those are 3 words that are on our wall inside our house. On a wall in our foyer. Hanging right above a storage bench where the kids get ready with their shoes and jackets and hats. Yesterday, while getting ready to leave the house, Matthew looked up at it and asked me what it says.  I read it to him. “Wow, mommy,” he says. “We do that. We live here, we love each other and we definitely laugh a lot.” He’s absolutely right. And those are the 3 words that carry us through everything. Live... live in the moment. Cherish everything. Love... love with all that you have. Laugh.... you have to have laughter. Laughter makes everything better. I love having that sign in our home, right by our doorway. It’s always in sight and it’s always a reminder, especially on days when we need a little reminder.

I have to admit, the terrible news over the past two days has hit pretty close to home.  The helicopter crash and then the poor girl from Freehold. Thinking of these families and what they are going through.... my heart aches for them.  Did I know them? No. But their stories...  it could happen to anyone. Just makes you realize how important it is to live, love, and laugh with the ones you love the most because you just never know what’s lurking around the corner in this crazy life.

Kobe Bryant. His daughter. All I can think about is what their last moments must have been like and how his wife and his other three daughters go on. We all fly in airplanes. With our kids, without our kids. I remember the only time we took Matthew on an airplane, I was a nervous wreck.  Before Matthew, I was fine on an airplane. Taking Matthew on an airplane... totally different story. I saw it as putting our lives in danger, or more, putting his life in danger. During the flight we hit a bit of turbulence and I don’t think I’ve ever held onto Matthew so tight, so nervous, so anxious to get on the ground. It took me a long time to be able to get on a plane again. A few weeks ago I did fly again, but by myself. I’m not so sure I can get on an airplane with my kids again anytime soon.

Now let’s talk about Stephanie Parze. The girl from Freehold, just a town over from where I live, who went missing on the night of October 30th 2019.  I didn’t know her, but the night before she disappeared it’s a known fact that she was at a comedy club called the Stress Factory in New Brunswick. The show that night wasn’t a comedy show, though. It was a medium who performed and did readings for people in the audience. The medium read quite a few people in the room that night. How do I know? Oh, because I was at that same show. I was part of the same audience, along with my father. We didn’t get a reading but sure enjoyed listening to those who did. And I clearly remember Stephanie being one of them. She spoke that night and was spoken to and her family members around her did too. I saw her sitting with her family, or whoever she was with. She was over to the right, just a few tables away from where we were sitting. I saw her face. I heard her speak. Then, just a few hours later it was reported that she went missing. Then today, the truth revealed itself. I saw the Facebook posts on our local township pages and saw the press conference that was held today, and again although I didn’t know her personally, it became real to me that I saw the face and heard the voice and was sitting so close to someone who was murdered. Left lying in the woods on the side of a road I travel everyday. A place I’ve passed by more than two handfuls of times over the past 3 months since she disappeared. Drove right by her. This poor girl. This poor family.  This crazy, crazy world. This is all just too close to home.

These kinds of things make you think. They make you think about how precious life really is and how we need to just stop stressing over little insignificant things and just slow down and live in the moment. Hold your babies. Rock them to sleep if you must. Play Nintendo with your kids. Put your phone down and be present. Get on the floor with them. These are the times you can’t ever get back.  And I know first hand, how everything can change in an instant. Thankfully with all I’ve been through over the last year, I’m still here to tell my story. But I hate to say it, my family could have been grieving. They could’ve been the ones to understand what these families are going through... maybe not the ways that these 2 things happened, but to know the feelings. Thank G-D my treatments worked and my family won’t have to suffer the way these families are. But no one knows what the future holds for any of us.

So live, love and laugh. As much as you possibly can. And do yourself another favor and lay off of the judgement. Why are you better than anyone else? What makes your way of thinking right? Just live. Live your life. Cherish your moments and your loved ones. Everyone is just doing their best to stay afloat in this world. Judgement brings dislike. Judgement brings hate. Hate is what destroys us. We have to do better.... especially for our kids.

My thoughts and prayers are with the families that are grieving right now. 🙏💗

Wednesday January 8, 2020

I feel like 2020 is the year of new beginnings.  A time of change and transitioning. It’s the turn of a new decade and within this new year and this new decade comes a new start. For me, everything feels new and changed and I’m slowly transitioning myself back into the real world. Little by little I’ve been immersing myself into what everyone else knows as every day life stuff. I’ve taken Ryan out, I’ve taken Matthew out, I’ve taken both boys out at the same time. We’ve gone places as a family, I’ve been places by myself, I’ve gone out with friends, but for all of those times that I’ve began to reacquaint myself with the outside world and learn to work with the body I’m now in, there are still many days where I don’t leave the house. Where my days are consumed by doctors appointments and follow ups.  Nights when I still can’t sleep and mornings when it’s still so hard for me to get out of bed. But I’m trying. I’m trying to learn how to manage. I’m getting better but there’s still more work to be done. I’ll do everything it takes to get myself back there and so with that being said, tomorrow starts a new challenge. A new chapter. Daycare. Ryan is going to daycare.
Part of my getting back into the swing of things means I have to face some challenges head on. Ryan starting daycare is one of them.  

My kids got me through everything. So did my husband and my parents and my sister and every single one of you that supported me and still continues to support me, but my driving force- my motivation every morning, every day, hour by hour, or minute by minute, was how I could be present for my kids. For the most part, Matthew was out of the house because he was in pre-k. But Ryan- Ryan was with me. Ryan was with me all day the day after my treatment. Every other day of the week, I fought within myself to take care of him as much as I possibly could, as often as I could. With the help of others I did. I needed to be able to take care of our little baby. The baby that took three years to get here. The baby that was colic for the first three and a half months. The baby that at only 7 months old, only just about 4 months after I was able to finally spend the time we were supposed to have had together already but couldn’t because of the colic, now had a mother diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer. This baby needed his mother. Matthew needed his mommy and his baby brother. Even though Jason and everyone else stepped in, our family wasn’t complete without mommy. My kids needed their mommy. And I needed my kids. Matthew was out of the house most of the day.  So Ryan was with me.

 Now I’m on the other end of this. The recovery end. And in order to stay on this path, of healing and recovery, the time has come for me to have to let go a little.  But even though Ryan doesn’t understand it, and thank goodness he doesn’t, he and I went through a traumatic event together. A life changing event. I know he’s going to be fine. I’m not worried about that one bit. But I know I have separation anxiety from him more than he might have from me. So I’m taking baby steps. And tomorrow another baby step begins.

Ryan has been away from me, with my husband or with his grandparents but this is his first experience away from us, away from me, with other adults and children for a majority of the day, that he doesn’t know. Ryan will only be going two days a week and I know it will take some time to get adjusted, but it’s more of me adjusting to him not being with me. I know putting him in is good for him and like I said before I know he’ll be fine. It’s me. I have to learn how to manage with him not by my side.  Thankfully I scheduled his first day when I have a day full of doctors appointments for myself to keep me busy. And now the two days that he’s not with me, I can start to do things for myself. More doctors, but maybe some more resting. I need more rest.

So here’s to overcoming another new challenge, new chapters and new beginnings. But I can’t wait until Friday afternoon already, for when he won’t have to go back to daycare until next Thursday.  💖

December 30, 2019
9:30pm

There are only a few more hours left to this year. Only few more hours left to this decade. In a little over 24 hours from now we’ll be getting ready to ring in 2020 and although I’m glad to see 2019 out, to be quite honest, it’s a little bittersweet for me.

2019 started out on a sour note. By December 31st of 2018, only a year ago, I had just had my 38th birthday and just a few days prior to that, I had just been given my breast cancer diagnosis. Last year on New Year’s Eve we decided to just spend the evening in. Ryan was only a few months old so he went to bed like normal and Matthew stayed up later than usual and we celebrated with him for a bit, but he didn’t make it to midnight (thankfully lol) and once he went to bed, Jason and I just watched the cheesy New Year’s Eve live specials from Times Square and where ever else they broadcasted from and we tried our best to stay awake until midnight. We were unsure of what was to come for the year ahead, so it was just a quiet evening. And it was fine.

January 1st 2019. Game face was on. Time to fight for my life. Survival mode took over and January 16th I started chemotherapy. For the next 4 months, I battled. Every single day. Every single hour. Some days every single minute. May 28th was my last chemo treatment but the chemo builds up, so it takes a very long time for a body to rid itself of this poison and all the side effects that come along for the ride. Especially because my treatment was very aggressive. So I continued to battle because even though chemo ended, I was still at war.

July 1st I went in for my surgery. A double mastectomy. A 6 hour procedure to remove two body parts, because one of those parts was severely diseased. The other side was elective but was necessary to proactively ensure that this doesn’t happen again. By the time I was recovered, the year was almost over and I hardly saw any of it.

A few weeks later we found out that my battle wasn’t over yet because I needed aggressive radiation. I had a lymph node effected and some evidence of disease that hadn’t been picked up on my scans that were done months ago, which is unfortunately quite common, but was fortunately removed with the mastectomy procedure. To ensure that everything was “gotten” and for preventative measures, radiation was the next step. So on September 3rd, while everyone else was returning to their normal daily lives after a fun Labor Day weekend, I was preparing for my first radiation session. 28 sessions of radiation, which ended October 10th, left me with more side effects. Side effects that get worse before they get better. So I battled for a little bit longer.

A few weeks later I started some more medications, that I’ll be on for a number of years. Injections, medications, they come with side effects. As if I didn’t have enough already. It wasn’t until about a month later, maybe around Thanksgiving, that I started on that uphill climb. But some of my side effects are long lasting and unfortunately might be my new normal.

So it’s now a month later than that and I’m at the point where I have to focus on how to manage with my “new normal”.  New normal- fatigue, bone/joint pain, Osteopenia and possible nerve damage in my left arm. Something always hurts me. I now wear glasses sometimes because there are times where my fatigue causes my eyes to get tired. There’s a lot more but we don’t need to go over everything. My oncologist said that it’s a new paradigm for me and I completely agree. So I’m taking this time right now to learn how to live and manage in this new paradigm, physically and mentally, in all aspects. Survival mode can be pushed a little to the side and I can now focus on getting back to me. New hair, new look, new perspectives, a new outlook, new medications, a new everything.

But I mentioned above that seeing this year out is bittersweet. And I truly mean that. Because although 2019 had me fighting for my life, there were some really amazing things I got to be present for. Like making sure I was with my kids at some point everyday. I saw my kids every single day. Even when I had to fight inside to get there. I did it. In 2019 Jason and I celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. Our Matthew turned 5, we celebrated our Ryan’s first birthday, we celebrated my niece’s first birthday, Matthew graduated Pre-K, Matthew started Kindergarten and there were so many other birthdays and special times in between. I reunited and got together with family that I hadn’t seen in years, I got to see all of Ryan’s “firsts” and milestones and I finally took a vacation by myself for a few days to Florida to visit one of my best friends. Over the course of the year I got to hear from and connect with so many people that I hadn’t seen in years and it just warmed my heart. I participated in an amazing photoshoot (thanks BeautfulSelf!), I was ON Dr. Oz on TV, I met Hoda Kotb on TV and I just celebrated MY 39th birthday. Throughout all of the bad and the craziness that consumed my life this year, there were so many other amazing moments. And to be able to find and remember the good moments in a year that you can barely even remember, is just a feeling that I can’t even begin to explain. But I’m doing it.

So I say goodbye to 2019, but as some might think, not good riddance. 2019 is the year that saved my life. If I hadn’t found what I found myself the night of December 9th 2018, I’m not sure what life would look like today, as we head into another new year. But I am ready for 2020. A new year, a new decade. It’s the year that I focus on the new me. I’m disease free and am slowly reacquainting myself with the outside world again.

In 2020, there are no resolutions. Just learning to live as I am now.  My primary two goals- to spend as much time as I can with my husband, my kids, my parents, my sister and the rest of family and friends and to do everything I possibly can to take care of myself as a whole, so that I can live healthy and happy.

I wish everyone a healthy and a happy new year. Only good things for everyone in 2020.

💪🏻💗😊

Wednesday December 25, 2019

Christmas morning, Christmas Day.

So fun to see everyone enjoying their day!  For us on a day like today, it’s usually an “everything is closed so what are we going to do with ourselves” kind of day. In the past, before kids, Jason and I would take part in the movies and Chinese food tradition, as you would find most people who are Jewish doing the same, but now it’s too crowded and too much planning and we just aren’t into it anymore. Maybe later we’ll order Chinese food in, but we know on a night like tonight we have to have our order placed at least 3 hours in advance, or else we’ll never get our food.

When I was younger, I remember going to Atlantic City on Christmas Eve to Christmas Day and that was always fun. Back then Tropicana was Trop World and it had an indoor amusement park. Rides, arcade games, it was the best. So my sister and I, and whoever else came to meet us down there would drop us kids off there and the grown ups would go do their thing. It was so much fun. But that doesn’t exist anymore. And we went away for for Christmas Eve/Christmas Day 2 years ago when I was pregnant with Ryan. We took Matthew to Hershey park for the night. We said we would go back last year but because of my situation, it just didn’t work out. So we kept saying for this year we’d take both the kids for the night. But Jason had to work yesterday and has to work tomorrow so it wasn’t going to work. Turns out not being able to go anywhere overnight this year as a family, was actually a blessing in disguise.

When is the last time you were actually able to say you could feel your heart feeling happy? I mean there are tons of things that happen everyday that make me happy but feeling that warm, fuzzy, happy feeling that you can feel in your heart and encompasses your entire upper body..... that’s exactly how I can describe how I felt this morning.

It’s still very hard for me to get out of bed in the morning. It’s a new me.... I have to have about a half hour or so before I actually come to, after initially waking up. Everyone here is used to it so this morning my kids jumped into our bed and we all snuggled and watched Ryan’s kids songs, and that’s my favorite way to wake up. Once I was finally up and out of bed, I took my coffee over to a chair in our living room where my kids were playing and I just sat back and watched. Jason was on the floor with the both of them but he was just hanging back too. And for the first time, in a very, very long time, we didn’t have to play with them. My two little boys were playing with each other. Without us. I looked at them, I looked at Jason watching them playing, and that heartwarming feeling came over me. Our kids are finally at the age where they can start to play together. I saw this a few weeks ago as well when I took both kids to an open play place, but it wasn’t until this morning when we were finally just hanging out as a family that I was able to see it in our own house. Just the 4 of us. Then I also realized that we haven’t sat together like this, as a family with nothing to do, in a long time as well. The weekends have also been busy, with karate and tball before it ended, and other things going on, and before all of that for the past almost year, I spent my weekends in bed. I missed out on a ton of family time. This morning and even right now, it’s absolutely perfect. Ryan is napping, Matthew is playing outside with Jason, and I’m sitting with my feet up. And maybe I’ll heat up some fun snacks for us in a bit.

We don’t celebrate Christmas, we don’t open presents up on Christmas morning, but I can assure you I have the exact same sentiments, gratitude, and all around happiness that I see in all of your beautiful family pictures this today. I feel so lucky, so grateful for everything I do have and for everyone that I have in my life, and so thankful for these precious moments where life can really slow down, even when you weren’t expecting it to or had other ideas that didn’t pan out.

A year ago today I was very frightful of what was to come. Here we are a year later and I’m sitting here today relaxing at home with my family, and I know it’s exactly where we are supposed to be. Thankful, grateful, happy, and extremely blessed. That’s what today is all about and I’m right here with all of you.

Merry Christmas to all of you out there who are celebrating today. Happy Hanukkah to the rest of my crew. And happy everything to everyone else. 💗

December 12, 2019

A year ago today I had my first imaging done. The mammogram and the ultrasound that confirmed the unthinkable. Today, here I am a year later, disease free but still working hard to put myself back together.

No one talks about the aftermath, especially the aftermath of such aggressive treatments as I had this past year. Yesterday my oncologist described it not only as a new normal, but a completely new paradigm. And he’s right. Things might never be the way they once were and so now I have to learn how to manage the symptoms that still remain so that I can return to living normally in this new paradigm. It will take some work but I’ll get there.

I’m 28 weeks out from chemo, 23 weeks out from surgery which involved some complications for a few weeks after, and I’m only 9 weeks out from my last radiation session. 28 weeks out from chemo, but I had 16 rounds of it accumulating in my body. 23 weeks out from surgery but I still have limited range of motion, nerve issues, daily pain which I’m trying to manage, and I’m still not finished with procedures. 9 weeks out from radiation, after 28 consecutive sessions, that left me with horrible burns, extreme fatigue, as if I wasn’t fatigued already from everything else, and problems swallowing food, which that thankfully was resolved. I’m not in what’s considered “active treatment” anymore but I’m still being treated, as I get injections every 4 weeks and take medication which I’ll most likely be on for the next 10 years. Injections and medication that come with even more side effects, as if I didn’t have enough to contend with already.

This past week I went for X-rays to try to figure out my nerve issue, a bone density scan which revealed that I now have osteopenia, and an ultrasound of my liver, which was a bit of a scare but turned out to be nothing to be too alarmed about at this time. These scans this week were completed at the same radiology facility where I had my first scans a year ago and the same place where I had my biopsy done just 2 days later. Needless to say, it was a little hard this time around because believe it or not, PTSD does exist for cancer patients and I’m in the beginning stages of trying to determine if I have some form of it, which I’m absolutely certain that I do.

There’s a lot that comes after “active treatment” is over. I fought a battle within my own body. I had a sickness that I needed to overcome by having poison consume my entire body that literally broke my entire body down. Now I have to build it back up. For the 10 months that I was in active treatment, it will take at the very least, double the amount of time for my body to heal. Healing and recovering with kids to raise. With life that goes on.

I’ve been through a medical trauma and although im disease free, I’m still fighting on the inside. Fighting one day at a time because I’m always tired, something always hurts, and I’m still not quite whole yet. I will be... I have no doubt that I will be whole again. But it will take time. And I’m ok with that. With the help of my family, my medical team, and everyone who has been and still is supporting me, I’ll get there. Just know that I’m working on it. I miss my friends, I miss working, I miss a lot of things. But I need to feel whole again before I can move forward. I’m slowly putting me back together.

Sometimes I feel like I can sleep for days and then there are nights like tonight when I can’t fall asleep at all. So I figured I’d write a bit, give an update, and get some things out. It had been awhile anyways.

Thanks for reading. 💗

Saturday November 16, 2019

Tonight I’m feeling grateful. I’m always grateful these days, but tonight I wanted to share it. I’m grateful, empowered, excited, and hopeful because I’m moving mountains. Mountains that might not be worth climbing to anyone else, but they are my mountains and I’m reaching that peak.

For the past 11 months my life, my family’s lives, all of our lives have been turned upside down. And not only until recently, had things started turning for the better. I became done with radiation and was able to return to somewhat of a normal life again, whatever normal may be. Because my normal now is completely different from what my normal was a year  ago.

A year ago, none of this was even an inkling of a thought. Then all of a sudden our lives changed. And although I’m done with all of what is considered “the hard stuff” I’m still being treated for having had breast cancer, to prevent it from recurring. Recurrence.... that’s the word of my life now. Living a life of now trying to prevent this awful disease from recurrence and metastasizing. So everything is different now.

It’s amazing how these times of hardships result in an entirely different perspective of everything and a completely different outlook on life. For those who have endured anything like what I have been through, we now see things in a completely different light. Not that I didn’t before, but now more so than ever, I choose to spend my time with those who I love the most. No guilt, no dwelling, no stress. I deserve to do anything I choose to do. I choose to make up for what I believe has been lost time. I don’t dwell on what has been, as I only look to the future and what could be. I live each day pretty much by hour to hour. Because I’m always tired, and I have new ailments or old ailments that haven’t dissipated, but I want to give all my days all that I can give. I want to catch up with people who I haven’t seen in ages and I want to spend time with anyone and everyone that I can. I want to spend all my time with my kids. And my husband, my family and my friends. If you want to see me, reach out. I’d LOVE to see you. Let’s grab dinner, drinks, coffee, or meet in a library. Or come to my house! I would love to have you over. I’d love to catch up with anyone.

Throughout these past few weeks I’ve had some opportunities of a lifetime. And although it might seem like I’m super fine and “a- ok” I’m still going through a new treatment that my body and my mind are trying to regulate with. It’s not easy. The side effects that come with what I’m doing now, are ones that I’ve come to have PTSD from, and yes that does exist for cancer survivors, because I did NOT want to face the dreaded bone pain that could come from the meds I’m on now. The meds to prevent recurrence that I’ll have to take for the next 8 to 10 years or so. Unless something else throughout that time becomes more effective.

So I know it may seem like I’m doing ok, and for the most part I am, but I’m still sorting through stuff. Dealing with things that most people my age haven’t faced or dealt with. I’m moving on, but trying to figure out how to do so with everything that I’ve gone through. I’m determined to make it back to the life I had before this all happened, but there’s obstacles I have to get past to get there. I’m learning to how to be “me” in a new light. I’m a new body. In a new look. Because I don’t look like the old me. And that itself is challenging. Because everything for me has changed. I’ve looked things straight in the face, that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. I’ve been through things in the past 11 months that I never even thought I’d ever have to face. And I made it. I made it through with my positivity, the will to survive, my kids, my husband, my family, and the help of my supporters. Somehow my husband held this family together. My parents and my in-laws stepped in at a moments notice. Everyone faced what their perception of evil is. But I am the only one who came face to face. I looked it in the eyes and said nope. Not me. Not my babies. Not my family. I clearly remember that evening, the night after I was called with my diagnosis, when I in fact screamed that in my car when I was by myself. At the top of my lungs.

I’ve faced evil and I’ve survived. Physically. And as each step of this journey came to be, I’ve face each one, little by little. Step by step. It’s a shame, and I’m not ashamed to admit, that I’m saddened that mental health is such a crisis in our country and that more isn’t done to help those in need. It’s a shame that therapy isn’t protocol for cancer patients, the same that chemo or radiation is. Chemo, radiation, surgery, medication, done. Cancer free? Off you go. That’s it. Your life has been turned upside down. You’ve looked evil in the face. And now you’re considered disease free,
So that’s it. Come back once a month. What about the mental state we are in during and after?  Protocol should  be chemo, surgery, radiation, in whatever order, physical therapy and counseling. The aftermath is lacking.

So I’m going to take this time in my life to better myself mentally and physically. You can’t be successful if you aren’t whole.  And I’m not whole yet. I’m getting there. And I will get there, but I’m not quite there just yet. And I’m ok with that. Just remember that those who seem like they are ok from the outside, sometimes aren’t the same on the inside. I’ve been through a lot. And I may seem like I’m doing amazing and I appreciate your super kind words. And as I am doing amazing and I know I am, I still have more to do. This is a step by step journey and I’m accepting that. I will get there, but it will take some more time. I’ve come this far, so only up from here.

And as always, I appreciate your kind words and support!!! It truly means so much and is sometimes the motivation that I need. You have no idea how many times your messages and comments have been received at times that I needed them the most. So thank you!!!
💗💗💗

Saturday November 9, 2019

When you face a horrific situation, one that you come out of somewhat in one piece, it changes you. Changes you in different ways. Some change for the worse because they can’t quite get a handle on what has happened and some change for the better because they realize that life is just too short to do anything else.

I’m one that always looks for the good in any given situation. You ask anyone who knows me best and they’ll tell you...
They say something that bothers them, I’ll try to look from the other perspective. Not that the person telling me about their situation is wrong, I just think I’m lucky to be able easily see something from someone else’s perspective. And To find that silver lining. Because I feel like everything happens for a reason.... even the not so good stuff.

You survive the not so good stuff and you end up seeing things in a different way. Maybe some people actually need to experience certain life changing events in order to think differently. Not to say that having cancer or any disease for that matter is warranted just to change someone’s thought process, but maybe being able to think differently and have a changed mind, or being able to find that silver lining in all the craziness helps to make things a little easier to take and can make others a bit more understanding and accepting. There’s a purpose for this all. When you are in the thick of it, it’s super hard, almost impossible to understand or even fathom why something of this nature is happening. But maybe you aren’t supposed to try to understand it. Maybe your supposed to just go with it and as hard is it may be to do so, to trust that wherever this is leading is what is supposed to happen. What is meant to be will be. And as hard as that might be to accept that, because some people’s journeys don’t turn out for the best, there always, always a bigger purpose for it. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, whether good or bad.

Now my cancer- bad. So so so bad on so many levels. But what I learned from my journey is something I’ll carry with me for the rest of my life. When you are given a situation where all you can do is hope for the best, that’s what you do. Unfortunately you also learn that everything is a gamble. Nothing is certain and nothing is promised. You can pray, if that’s what you do, you can talk to higher powers if that’s what you believe in, but ultimately it’s really just a gamble. And having faith in whatever it is you do to overcome your horrid situation, that everything will in fact work out for the best. You fight, you hope, you pray, and then at some point you just accept that this is happening and all you can do is exactly what you are doing and just keep on doing it.

Throughout the past almost year, I learned a lot about myself, about other people, and about life in general. I think I always knew this, but it wasn’t always in the forefront of my mind that in some way, everyone is struggling with something. Whether it be a life or death situation, whatever it may be, people are looking for validation, compassion, and support and I for one, being on the receiving end, will gladly give it back to those who need it.

Jealousy holds no place in this heart. Nor does competition, longing for attention, or dwelling. Instead I use my energy to inspire, to uplift, and support. If I can’t understand, I accept. I can empathize and sympathize. I can give love.  Because that’s what’s needed in this world. More acceptance and less judging. More compassion and less disrespect. To anyone. Just because on the outside someone doesn’t look like they are going through something, it doesn’t make what they are going through any less of importance. Just because someone doesn’t look or act sick, doesn’t mean they are well. Have compassion for people. Don’t judge. And don’t take anything for granted.

These past 2 weeks for me have been nothing short of amazing. Somehow, some of the best moments and opportunities just came before me. And maybe a year ago I might not have followed through- too shy, not enough confidence to go in front of so many people, or do a photoshoot where I was kind of exposed at times, feeling guilty for doing really amazing things, or dwelling on moments that have passed that you think “omg I should’ve done this, or why did I say that?” That’s just it. Feeling guilty and dwelling. Who stays up at night whole lying in bed trying to sleep and can’t because you either feel guilty about something or you’re dwelling on something? Those two things are really tough to rid yourself of. But somehow, one day, you just do. Out of nowhere things start making sense and start falling into place and sometimes it’s just unexplainable. I’m at that point. I still have miles to go and my journey is far from over. In fact, it will never be over as I have to do everything and anything to prevent any type of recurrence. Because life is honestly a gamble with a whole lotta faith. You pray and hope and take meds, but ultimately what happens is beyond your control. You can do all you can to try to prevent, but that’s all you can really do. So I choose now to make the most of my life. Not that I haven’t before, but even more so now. I will do what I love to do, with who I love to spend time with. Be it my husband, my kids, my parents, my sister, the rest of my family, my dear friends, and anyone else. I will make the most of my life and spend my time doing the things I love to do and will spend time with the ones that mean the most. And I will not feel guilty at all. Not one bit. I won’t dwell. I’ll look for the positives and the silver linings and enjoy every moment that I can because life is just to short to do anything else.

I have so many big ideas. Stay tuned.... the best is yet to come.....


💗💪🏻😊

2019.... it isn’t over yet, but we are getting closer. A year that seems so surreal because I’ve been through so much that now I can’t really believe that I did it all. A year ago today, none of this was even an inkling of a thought. And then just a few weeks later.... boom. Life was turned upside down. These past almost 11 months have been nothing short of crazy. Actually the past few years have been nothing short of crazy. 2014- our first son was born. 2 miscarriages, a ton of failed attempts at another pregnancy, and one concussion later on my part, finally April of 2018 our 2nd son was born. He was colic until about 4 months old, so that was challenging. And then we finally took a step on the right direction and the colic was gone and all was good. All was great. For the next 3 months, that is. December of that same year, just 7 months after our rainbow baby was born, I found a lump. Then came a week of exams, scans, biopsies, and then just 2 weeks later... bam... stage 3 invasive ductal carcinoma... I had breast cancer. A mom, with 2 young kids- one of which was just 7 months old. Out of work because I needed to start chemo ASAP and for me, teaching on the chemo referred to as the red devil wasn’t going to work. I went from maternity leave to disability. I went from not pregnant, to miscarriages, to not pregnant, to pregnant, to having a baby and being post partum, to cancer.  Needless to say my body was already a mess. So then came 16 rounds of chemo, followed by a double mastectomy with reconstruction (tissue expanders), my prophylactic side (right side) got an infection, so right expander was removed, right side skin folded and tucked to try to preserve what would be needed for more reconstruction, left expander still in so I’m unsymmetrical (which I’m totally fine with) antibiotics for days, drains for weeks, learning that there was lymph node involvement, 28 rounds of proton radiation therapy for which I traveled what should have been for 40 min each way, but took me an hour each way most days, every week day for 28 days, to starting Lupron injections, to today, where I’m waiting for the green light to start my hormone blockers- medication with more side effects, which I will be on for about 10 years. I have an oncologist, a plastic surgeon, a breast surgeon, an infectious disease doctor, a dermatologist, and a psychiatrist, because let’s face it, anxiety is a given and meds are absolutely necessary. And I’m only 38. Actually I was 37 when I was diagnosed- a week before my 38th birthday. So I did all of that. And am still doing it. But again I’m a mom of 2 and they are 2 young kids that needed their mommy present and still need their mommy present. And throughout these 11 months there were events they took place... life just doesn’t stop. There was my birthday, child milestones, a first birthday, a 5th birthday, my husband’s birthday, other family members birthdays, a preschool graduation, tball, karate, holidays, dinners, family gatherings..... so many things I didn’t want to miss out on. But I had chemo treatments I needed to recover from and surgeries where I couldn’t move or lift my baby up for close to 6 weeks, and radiation that left me with burns that it hurt to move or hurt to have anything touching that area. And I needed to rest and sleep because those days after chemo were rough. Every single side effect that was possible, it happened. The bone pain and fatigue were the worst. The fatigue, at least I could sleep it off. The bone pain was absolutely unbearable at times. Most times. So with the support of my husband and my parents and my in-laws and other family members and friends, I was still able to parent my kids and be as available as I could be. My older son was in daycare everyday so he was taken care of. But I wasn’t working so I wasn’t receiving a full paycheck so daycare for the baby wasn’t possible. I needed help. And the fact that we tried for so long for another baby and finally we had him and now I couldn’t take care him myself.... devastating. I needed something to get me through. And my kids... they were it. I found that parenting and being present for them as best as I could was how I could do it. I got up every day for them. Even at my worst, I still got up every morning to see them off or wait for someone to come in and help me with our baby because my husband had to go to work. I wanted to be involved in my kids lives. I didn’t want to turn their lives upside down too. I didn’t want this to affect them negatively, but instead later on down the line when they are older I can look back with them and they can know how strong their mother really is. And they can learn from me how to be strong and positive when times get tough. But then, how do you successfully parent young kids while battling cancer? That was the question. How do you do it? For one, I had to do a lot of research. Then I realized I just had to dig down deep inside me when I thought I couldn’t do things, rest when I needed to and push myself a little when I was able to. I needed to make modifications to suit my needs and to be ok with camping out on the floor with the baby and playing when that was all I could do. I needed to remain positive and see the good in things, not dwell on anything, be grateful for what I did have, ask for help when I needed it, and be in communication with my husband and everyone that helped us. And when I couldn’t be present because I needed to rest or go for chemo treatments or radiation treatments, when I was in the hospital recovering or whatever it was that I needed to do any couldn’t be there, I needed to be kept in the know. I needed to be part of things whether it was a picture of my son at karate or a text message to tell me that Ryan napped well, I just needed that. I needed to be kept in the loop. While researching ways to help parent these kids of mine in the situation we were in, I realized that there’s not a lot of support out there for just moms with young kids. There’s tons of support for breast cancer patients as a whole, there’s support for older women, there’s support for very young women in their 20’s or under 30 primarily with no children, and there’s support for young women under 40, but nothing solely for moms with young kids. Throughout my journey I went to several support groups and I love all of them and single person that I’ve come across has  been so supportive of me and are of each other and I love all of the connections I’ve made, but my needs differ from theirs. I needed to connect with other young moms with young kids. I needed to bounce ideas off of them and listen to how they handled situations and how they coped with what I was going through while having kids. But there was nothing of the sort. So I’m hoping to change that. I want to help other moms with young kids find the support and the connections they may need. The first step in doing that is to share my story. I am an open book. I’m not ashamed or embarrassed that I had breast cancer and I won’t push it under a rug because it’s a part of who I am now. I learned a lot throughout these past 11 months. I’ve learned a lot about myself, about others and just about life in general. I have a new found appreciation for things I never even gave a thought to prior to this and new perspectives on many things. My favorite thing to say to anyone about my journey is that I’m in no way thankful for having cancer, but I am grateful for what my cancer journey has taught me. Don’t get me wrong.... I do have my bad days and off moments and I’m not all happy go lucky every second of every day. I get tired very easily and I have things that hurt me all of the time. But I found most helpful tool to feeling better was and still is to listen to my body and finding ways to feel grateful every single day. Fatigue is a good thing. It means your body needs to rest in order to heal from the torture it’s being put through. If I rest for a bit, I recharge and then a little while later I can do some more. And if I can get through my worst chemo days and still be present for my kids, I can get through anything. These days I’m creating a daily structure for myself in order to get stronger, so that I can return to my normal activities and will be able to work again eventually. Right now I know how much I can do at a time and when I need to rest. And hopefully the amount of time that I’m able to be on my feet or be active will increase and my needing to rest will decrease. I’d love to help others get to the same mindset that I have been in. I have created an instagram account solely for documenting and sharing about my journey parenting with cancer. If you are interested in following me, find me. @momssurvivingcancer

As always, I thank everyone for reading and for their continued love and support. I’m getting stronger everyday not only because of my own doing, but also because of all of the positive encouragement I’ve received from others out there. I can’t even begin to explain how your messages lift me up especially at times where I need it the most and continue to fill my heart. 💕

#teamMichele💗💪🏻👊🏻

Saturday October 12, 2019
5:20pm

I finally have a bit to myself. It’s quiet, almost dinner time. I’m sitting out front, actually enjoying the fall temps right now. The leaves are starting to turn, there are fallen leaves all over the ground, I’m in comfy sweatpants and it’s Saturday evening.  In the distance there are sounds of kids outside. My kids were outside with us all day. Now they are relaxing before we eat, and I’m getting some downtime too. Which is good because I can only do a little at a time before I need some downtime again. So I’m resting up so I can be ok for the remainder of the night with the kids.

Thursday, October 10, 2019 was my last day of radiation. I completed 28 sessions. I traveled about an hour each way, every weekday for 28 days. The center I had to go to is a high volume center. It’s unfortunate, but this radiation center is a revolving door from the time they open at 7am until their last treatment at 10:30pm. Their morning appointments are reserved for mostly all the children and babies that need radiation because they need anesthesia. Children are mostly treated here because the type of radiation used here is Proton radiation, different from the photon radiation that most people needing radiation usually get. Proton radiation is less harmful to the surrounding organs because the radiation is given in beams, to specific areas, rather than encompassing an entire region of organs. So babies and children who need radiation are given this type. Why did I receive this kind? Because my tumors and other “evidence of disease” areas were so spread out, because I had lymph node involvement, because of my age, and other factors, it was determined that this was in fact the best course of action. Photon and proton- one is not proven to be better than the other. Data shows one is not more effective than the other, but proton is just less harmful to other organs, and since this radiation would be near my heart, I took all recommendations and went with it. I trust my medical team.

There are only 13 of these Proton radiation centers in the whole US. I was lucky enough that there is one in NJ and not too terribly far from my house. I met others who flew in from other states, adults and parents with their young children, who had to live in a hotel for the duration of treatment. Although the drive back and forth each and every day for 28 days was not easy for me, I at least got to go home, to my own house. To my kids and my husband. And I stayed in state.

Afternoon appointments were hard to come by, and as mentioned before, the mornings are set aside for the babies and children, so I got the evenings. Which wasn’t so bad, but getting back to that drive I had, anyone who knows route 18 from where I’d get on from route 9, I’d have to take 18 all the way down to Easton Ave and travel Easton ave all the way up, almost to the 287 entrance. A drive that should’ve taken me 40 min, ended up taking me sometimes over an hour each way because route 18 anytime of the day is a nightmare. And to make matters more enjoyable (super sarcastic) that’s when construction started on 18 to pave it all the way down about 10 miles worth, then line the roads, 2 lanes - both sides of the roads, so traffic was pushed into one lane both ways. I know, I know, some of you travel to work or into the city and have to deal with craziness everyday, but this just added to the roughness of it all. I wasn’t going to work or doing anything remotely enjoyable. I was going to my radiation treatments. And by the time I did this drive, I was tired already. I’d drive an hour one way, be at the center for 20 min to a half hour, if they were running on time. If not, sometimes if he waiting for an hour. That didn’t happen often, but there were a few times.  The other downside of the evening/nighttime appointments was that I hardly got to see Matthew because he’d come off the bus and I’d have to run out and most nights I missed bedtime for both kids. And again, I know some parents work nights and miss those times, but Matthew knew it was so mommy could get some more medicine to help make her better. And I knew it was for radiation. So it was just different.

Everyone at the ProCure Proton Radiation Center was beyond helpful and supportive. From the moment I stepped through those doors I was treated wonderfully. I can’t say enough good things about this place. They made an unfortunate situation into a positive experience. Every evening I’d get there and majority of everyone there that was waiting for a treatment was much older than me, and heads would turn as I walked in with my swipe card and blue ProCure bag they give to everyone, because I was the one there for treatment not to wait for someone else, but I walked in everyday with my head held high and smiled at those around me, nodded at those who gave me a polite nod, chatted with the people at the concierge desk, and clapped for those who walked out and rang that bell just as I did on my last day.

My last day was wonderful. This place- they play the Rocky Theme song as the patient walks out and rings that bell and everyone gets on their feet and claps. When I knew my last date, we made sure to show Matthew exactly when it was and we kept hyping it up. We took him out of school early, and me, Jason and both boys went up to the center, along with my parents who met us there. I finished my last session and when they were ready, they opened the doors to the waiting room and there were Jason, my kids, and my parents with balloons and flowers for me, standing along with my nurses, radiation techs, and other staff members I’d grown to know over these past 5 weeks. Other people in the waiting area were standing and clapping too. I rang that bell. For me, that bell not only signifies the end of my radiation, it also signifies the end of 10 long, grueling months of treatments. And although my journey isn’t over, because believe it or not, there is still more to be done, I made it through the worst of it. Now is the recovery, healing, and prevention portion.

Side effects from radiation are not like chemo at all, but radiation is no walk in the park either. At first, it’s not bad at all, because symptoms usually do not present itself until about 2 weeks in. That’s when the fatigue hit. Again, not like chemo, but I quickly figured out that I could only do things little bits at a time. In order to get through my day, I was on for an hour, and off for 2 hours, on for an hour, nap when Ryan naps. On again for an hour with tv on or backyard because thankfully Ryan is a bit more independent and can run and play and I can sit. Then Matthew would get off the bus and then someone would come in to help or Jason would come home and off I’d go for treatment. But I needed a lot more downtime to conserve my energy. Getting out of bed in the morning was hard and is still not easy. Takes me about a half hour to wake up and actually get up. That’s not like me. Now I can’t fall asleep at night because I have burns in several areas that will get worse before they get better. At this point, they are getting worse, which is right on target. Burns on my skin and burning sensations deep inside my arms and other areas that they hit. I’m managing, but it gets tough at times. Especially lying down at night.

Then there’s the esophagitis. The lining of my throat is always irritated because lymph nodes run up that high and the left side of my neck was a radiated area. I have a terrible burn spot there too. My throat feels like I have a lump in it all of the time and feels like I have that scratchy strep throat feeling. I’ve had this feeling for about 3 weeks, and makes eating tough. I don’t have strep- I was cultured 3 times. I have medicine that can numb my throat, but then what’s the point because you can’t even taste the food. I’d rather stick to yogurt, smoothies, protein shakes, and maybe the occasional ice cream or pudding.

So even though my treatments are done, it doesn’t feel real to me because my body just feels beat up. There’s no other way I can describe it.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m beyond ecstatic that I’m done, but I guess I’m not as overjoyed as I expected or maybe as some people might expect me to be because to me, it’s not over yet. I still have to go for injections, which I start Thursday, and will have to take medication for many years going forward. And just like everything else, it all comes with side effects. Side effects that I have to brace myself for, just in case. But once the current side effects stop and I start the upward climb, that’s when it will hit me. Then maybe it will sink in, that the hard part is done and I’m out and have gotten to the other side of this. But I’m not sure. Not sure of how i will feel or when I will feel it.

Then there’s still the coming to terms part and the aftermath, and the scans that will follow and getting reunited with everything from my life that I once had a year ago that I no longer have anything to do with now because my sole purpose for the past 10 months was to just fight for my life and be what I could for my family, for my kids. But for now, now I’m ready to rest. To enjoy life a little without being in pain. I’ll get there, but it’s still going to take some time. And I’ll still remain positive, as I have been throughout everything so far, but I’m tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally, I’m drained.

So I do what I can with my kids, with Jason, with the rest of my family because that’s what gets me through. That’s what’s gotten me through. I might not be able to do much at a time, but I show up as best as I can.

And now, this fight of my life will now be the fight for the rest of my life because there’s no way reccurance can happen. I’ve learned a lot over these several months and I’m thankful for what I’ve been taught, but now I’m ready to use what I’ve learned to educate others and to help others because what happened to me can happen to anyone, at any age.

Keep continuing to send those well wishes and healing thoughts my way!! And come celebrate with me on November 9th!! Need info on it? Contact me!! Can’t wait!!

Thanks for all of your love and support!!
💗💪🏻🙏

September 14th 2019

Everything happens for a reason....
How many of you hear that often?? I do. I’ve heard it countless times. But when something bad happens, who wants to actually believe that? That this bad was meant to be. Unless, you are so fortunate to be able to find the good in that bad. Well, somehow, most times, I have been fortunate enough to be able to find the good in the bad. It’s just something I’ve always been able to do. And with some time to myself tonight that I really needed, I was able to think and reflect, and I can honestly say that along this path that I’ve been on for these past several months, I’ve found some good along the way and now I think I’ve found some more good that can come out of my bad. And I need your help and I’ll explain why...

I’ll start off by saying that I always knew I was meant to help people in some way. I’ve always had the ability to read people really well, to listen without judgement,
and to take other sides of a situation into account. At a young age I knew I wanted to work in a profession that could help people in some way. I didn’t know what that was but I tested the waters in many different areas. And, not to toot my own horn, but I felt pretty confident in all areas I tried. So deciding which path to choose became so much harder.

To me there’s always been an interest as to how the mind works. The mind, personality and behavior have always all been quite intriguing to me. So upon entering college I decided to pursue an education in psychology. I actually have a bachelors degree in psychology and although I came to a realization that a career in child psychology was of interest to me, I never actually got to continue in that avenue. Other life stuff got in the way. So I ended up on a different path.

I was just 20 years old when I started working in the early childhood field. I took care of babies as young as 6 months old to teaching children just about 5 years of age, right before they were ready for kindergarten. I followed this path for several years. It was over the course of these few years that I knew I was meant to work with children in some aspect. It just came so easy to me. I felt, just like I could do with anyone, that I could read children easily and I could come to understand them so well in such a short amount of time. At such a young age, as just an assistant teacher, I was able to help teach these children and was able to gain their respect, all at the same time. I could be fun, but when it was time to learn, it was time and they knew it. It was just a knack I had. And I still do to this day.

From then on I continued to work with children in different areas, ultimately becoming employed as a classroom teacher in a public school district. I love to help children, to help them to see their potential and to reach their goals. For all intents and purposes, I am like their 2nd parent for the day and will treat any child as if they were my own, every single day.

Through my love of children, I found that during my later years, I knew I was always meant to be a mother. Having a knack with children who weren’t my own, only made me want to have children of my own so much more. And now that I do, I can say being able to parent and raise my own kids thus far, the way I always knew I wanted to, has been the ultimate reward. My kids are my world. And even though we had our first child easily, there was a time when we didn’t know if we would be able to have a 2nd. And even though we had a first child, not being able to have our family completed with a second child was absolutely devastating, as it should be if that’s what is desired. Finally 3 years later, our 2nd baby was born and everything I had prayed for was here. I learned to be thankful with our first baby and I thought I knew what gratitude was back then, but it was at that moment of our 2nd baby being born, that I really, thought I knew what being grateful was. Until 7 months after he was born and I was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer. Then, again, my whole perspective changed.

I’m giving all of this information and back story so that I can shed some light as to where I’m coming from today. It all goes hand in hand. Everything happens for a reason, right? So now, it’s December 2018 and I’ve got everything I’ve ever wanted, everything I’ve ever asked for and then, I’m diagnosed with breast cancer. Are you (sorry) f*%\ing kidding me? Talk about a curve ball.

Throughout my journey so far, I haven’t dwelled so much. I’ve been able to overcome my struggles, I’ve fought and I’ve helped. I know I have the support from my own family and friends, but sought out support from groups and people who have been where I stand and within the support groups I now go to once a month, I’ve found those people. We call ourselves the friends we’ve never wanted to have. Because we found each other, young and old, because of breast cancer.  I go to three different groups and they all are important to me, just as an AA group would be super important for an alcoholic, because these are people who can relate to everything I’m feeling and am going through. I’ve been so proactive in taking control of what I can take control of and I’ve even been asked to help newly diagnosed younger women, as if I am an  experienced alumni to these groups. But, I’m not. I’m still in active treatment. I’ve done my research though, have been my own advocate when needed, listened to doctors, gotten multiple professional opinions, I ask questions when I don’t understand something, and am not afraid to sound stupid or naive, AND, yes the biggest achievement throughout this entire process so far, with much help, I’ve been able to parent and navigate this with 2 very young children.

With that being said, when I was first diagnosed, the thought of going through any of this was absolutely beyond terrifying but that was magnetized even more so because my children were babies, our youngest being just 7 months old. Working with young children for so many years and my background in child psychology gave me the ability to be able to help coach my husband through telling our 4 year old, just what he needed to know, but this was all new territory, for the both of us. It was then that I knew I needed to be proactive in finding ways to navigate this with young children. I googled, I found websites and online groups, but to me, nothing is better than coming face to face and having an actual discussion or reading a book by someone who’s encountered similar situations, but every book I came across just stated the ways to look for the positives or to be grateful or how to be happy. I didn’t need that. The people I came across in my groups that I love are absolutely amazing, but most of them are older. They didn’t go through this with young children or were unfortunately younger than me and didn’t even have any children yet. I couldn’t find anyone who was like me. And then I found younger mothers just like me, but just like me they were trying, and are still trying to navigate. There’s really nothing out there solely for young mothers with kids or mothers with kids or young kids. And as cancer doesn’t discriminate, nor does it differentiate, I’m finding that the support that I need, or needed a few months ago definitely differs from others who are older or who don’t have children.

So everything happens for a reason, I’ll say again because I had the ability to reach out to those few younger moms diagnosed with cancer, like me that I now know, and we are all in agreement that the support that I’m describing is something that they could’ve used or could still use and I’ve decided that I’m going to try to help and do something about that. I want to help guide those other newly diagnosed young moms. And as I haven’t thought everything out yet, and this is a relatively new idea, I’m close to putting into action. So this is where you all come in. Unfortunately breast cancer in younger women is becoming very, very common and there are so many being diagnosed now with young kids and most of us unfortunately know one or two or maybe more. If you know of anyone, any young mother either newly diagnosed, diagnosed and going through treatment, or a survivor with young kids and might need support or would want to offer support to others and wouldn’t mind sharing their stories, please put them in contact with me if they wouldn’t mind!! Email me, fb message me, text me, call me!! If you need contact info, let me know!

Everything happens for a reason and I’m DETERMINED more than ever to find all the good in this madness.

Thanks for reading and for your continuous love and support!!!!

💗💪🏻🙏